I want to run to DS's rescue and stop him getting picked on by the playgroup bully, however....

[mumatuks]

I know that DS needs to learn to stick up for himself, and I can't go fighting his battles for him all through life!

He's only 3 though, just started a playgroup around the corner (literally) from us and loves it, except comes home telling me how this boy has swung off his arm and pulled him over, or he's hit him. This boy is rough with most kids, as I saw it for myself when I took DS for his look around.

On collecting DS today I saw this boy physically move DS by grabbing his t.shirt. (and DS is not on the small side) It took me to shout "hey excuse me!" (no not the best thing, but first polite thing that came to mind) before one of the playgroup carers pulled this child off DS.

I've said to DS that he has to say very loudly "ouch! You're hurting me!" or something along those lines. I don't know if he does or not.

So basically, do I change DS's 2 mornings a week to days when hopefully this boy isn't there, or do I carry on with his days and toughen him up? After all, I can't rush to his rescue everytime and chances are there'll be the same kind of kid in his class at school.

BTW, this boy is 4, but missed the last school intake, will he go to school in January by any chance?

TIA

[McDreamy]

This is tough because I feel the same as you, just want to protect her from the school bullies and unfortunately I don't know the answer. I kind of glare at any child that I see picking on her to make sure they know I know (IYSWIM) I don't know if this is the right thing to do as will they just find a time to pick on her when I am not around. Sorry not much help but I share your pain!! Maybe some of the mums with older children will be able to advise.

[Bozza]

I think this is tricky. I suppose really you want to arm him with sufficient coping strategies to sort it out himself. But it is difficult. Is sounds like this is what you are trying to do, and you have to remember that your DS has only just started so will still be finding his feet.

The older boy may be bored/frustrated if he has just missed out on the school intake, which could affect his behaviour. It will depend when his birthday is and if your area does a January intake whether or not he will start then. If he was 4 before 1 Sept then he will start school in Jan I would have thought.

[mumatuks]

Thanks MD, I did the glare too, and I held this childs eye contact without trying to look like I was, just to let him know I'd seen him.

I'll probably get flamed for saying this, but we arrived at playgroup at the same time as said child. He child had no seatbelt on in the car, was stood up between the 2 front seats. Shot out the car without his mum, ran across a busy street, and then pushed in front of us to get in said alot to me!

DS is such a gentle thing, but maybe that's the problem! I've brought him up too nice?!

[Bozza]

mumatuks it does sound like you need to help him learn to stand up for himself. This a very hard aspect of motherhood I am afraid and I still have this issue with DS who is nearly 6.

[mumatuks]

You're right Bozza, I was just reading the whole thread over again and twas thinking "I've got to step back and let him learn now"

Arghhh... it's so tough being a mum!!

[Bozza]

It is something you don't realise when they are babies and you are worrying about all the weaning, milestones type stuff. But watching them step out into the world can give you such mixed emotions.

[McDreamy]

It is tough being a mum, I don't want her to toughen up but I know she has to. She just wants everyone to be friends and somehow I need to teach her that life isn't like that and she mustn't be the doormat! Like your son my DD is too nice

[mumatuks]

I take it it doesn't get any easier then!?

You can probably tell he's my first DS, I guess by the time DS2 and 3 get there I'll be a bit more used to the idea!

[Bozza]

I think younger siblings tend to be a bit tougher anyway. My DD is 2 and she is used to standing up for herself with DS who is 5. But sometimes DS does need some help.

[juuule]

Maybe you can't run to his rescue every time something happens but if this is happening frequently I would intervene or at least talk to the carers about what is happening and how they see it and are handling it. Being supportive of a 3yo when he is being pushed around doesn't mean that will end up fighting his battles all his life. But it might mean he will know he has somewhere to go if something gets too much for him.

[rarrie]

I've told my DD (3) that if someone pushes or hits her, she tells them that they musn't do it because it is naughty... but she is quite a bossy little girl! However, I would also have a word with the nursery workers and say that your child has been upset by this boy and ask them to please keep an eye on him for you!
HTH

[busybusymum]

Sorry but I dont necessarily agree with the "Got to toughen them up" approach. They are only little, a word with the preschool staff asking them to keep an eye on your child would be a start.

Perhaps you could help at one sessions and see what is actually happening.

(Sory that is my honest opinion please dont shout at me for sharing it )

[fruitcake]

Sounds nasty and know what about this as my 3 yr old ds is also picked on... by my bf's kid! He's a real menace. Iranian father & Italian mother so he's quite spoiled & indulged. Since our 2 dds are bfs also, we've got a problem. I've actually told the kid off when he's bitten or kicked or punched my ds, which he does regularly & boy, is my friend annoyed when I tell her kid to back off! Now she's inviting my dd & me to her house, but not my ds as she says she doesn't want them fighting (my ds has learned to fight back). What does she want me to do, leave him outside?

[joelallie]

There is no need to just sit back, or go in guns blazing. Speak to the staff and see if they have noticed anything. It won't just be your little boy that is being hurt I expect. Yes, teach him coping strategies - shouting 'no, that hurts' is a good one - but it wont hurt for the staff to keep an eye too.

[threebob]

At ds's preschool there is the token rough kid and all the staff are great about getting the other kids to "use their words". They all say "stop, I don't like that" and walk away. He gets no response and no friends and has learnt that it doesn't make for a fun morning.

All the children deal with it really well, they learn they don't get attention for telling tales, and that there is no point winding him up hoping that he will snap and will be put in time out.

So having the rough kid can be quite educational - but the staff have to be united and consistant.

[redbullandbump]

my first instict when i read this was hes only 3!!!!

IMO hes far to young to start sticking up for him self and i would have to speack to the teacher or head about it.

when ds was 3 and at a nursery school there was achild there who was allways picking on ds and ds was coming home with bumps on his head and i was allready specking to the school about it all, for me the final straw was when this other little boy poked ds in the eye with a little car ds eye swollen up and couldnt open it we ended up taking him to A&E with it, luckily his eye was ok.
but as the school wasnt doing anything about this other little boy i took ds out as i wasnt prepared for him to be this boys punch bag.

And allthough ds was diagnosed before this as having ASD and the school wouldnt intervien(sp?) i dread to think what they would of been like if hed been NT.

You need to put a stop to this now before your ds gets hurt phyicaly by this other child.

[emmatom]

Definitely speak to the staff. You've seen it with your own eyes so you're not just assuming things are going on.

Just politley and calmly tell them what you've seen happen and how it's worrying you and would they please pay extra attention to the other childs behaviour (especially when with your son).

Then give it a bit of time to see if any improvement. If not, go back to the staff. They are getting paid to look after your child and keep him safe, so you're not asking anything untoward.

[Winston]

Just been reading message and hope you are still checking for message. As with other mum on this thread my DD1 also had a similar problem at her nursery. A boy on one of her days kept picking on her and it led to him lashing out at her and scratching her. It wasnt a little mark either, he was holding on to her face and digging in and the carers had to pull him off. It happened four times and each time she was scratched badly. AT first I was trying to be all diplomatic about it and saying I understood the nursery was in a difficult situation as his parents were aware but going through a difficult patch. However, as time went on I was more upset as my DD1 started not wanting to go making it so hard to leave her. My DH is so hot headed so I tried to keep hom out of it until the last time when he flipped. He left work without telling me and stomped in to nursery and made a huge scene. He threatened to sue the nursery and speak to our loacl paper. When he called to tell me I was mortified (but secretly chuffed with his fatherly attitude!) but I tell you something, the problem ended there and then! The boy has had a special care worker come in, had his day moved to a day my DD1 isnt in. The nursery have done everything they can to put our minds at rest. SO what I am trying to say after all that is sometimes us mums try and see things from both sides and because we need these people and dont want to rock the boat as they are looking after our children, sometimes we just need to treat them the same and give them a kick up the arse. Its down the the nursery to solve these problems. We pay BIG money for them to take care of our kids. Speak to them and give them the kick up the arse. Your child is only 3 not 23 so still needs his mum or dad for help.