What range of emotions did you go through and did you feel cheated of a normal pregnancy?

[DontlookatmeImshy]

Ds2 was a 35 weeker so not particularly prem compared with most people here but i still have this wide range of emotions;

being happy and relieved that he is now home safely, feeling guilty that it may have been something i did/didn't do that made him arrive early, feeling bitter towards/jealous of other woman i see who are obviously about to pop a full term baby out, and still coming to terms with how fast it all happened - despite being in hospital anyway I didn't realise he was coming until i was 8cm dilated - I thought i was just constipated!!!, are just a few examples.

I assume most of these feeling are normal but wondered how other people felt after their premmie arrived.

[alfiesbabe]

All of those emotions and many more besides. It's a rollercoaster isnt it? I knew there were problems with the pregnancy from about 28 weeks, and from that moment I just woke up every day feeling a sense of dread. When she was delivered (at 35 weeks)I felt tremendous guilt (my baby had IUGR) even though it was totally misplaced, as there was nothing I did that contributed to it. I felt totally isolated from the other new mums in hospital because they had their babies with them and mine was on another floor in SCBU. I remember feeling angry when a baby arrived in SCBU suffering from withdrawal symptoms as his mum was a heroin addict. When your baby is fighting to live, you can't begin to understand how anyone could ever put their child at risk. When dd came home, I felt releived, but highly anxious, even though this was my second baby. I have to say (and I hope this doesnt upset anyone but I'm being honest here) it also made me feel very anxious about baby number 3 (even though everything was fine). I couldnt relax and enjoy the pregnancy at all -partly because i was now considered 'high risk'. I know I'm lucky though, as I had a totally straightforward pregnancy and birth with my first baby, so at least I have had the joy of an uncomplicated pregnancy and a natural birth in a midwife unit.

[There]

My second daughter was born at 33 weeks while we were on holiday overseas. The stress of getting all our documents together to get her a birth certificate and passport, organise family to look after our eldest daughter and other such problems in a way helped keep our minds off the fact our daughter might be in danger. In fact she was fine from day one and we were home in the UK two weeks after the birth.
But all the same, strange lying in your hospital bed without your baby next to you, leaving the hospital without your child, distressing knowing they're crying in their incubator and you're not there for them. Their start in life is so different to what it naturally should be.
Didn't feel guilt as the doctors managed to convince me that it was nothing that I had / had not done. When I see a woman about to pop at full-term, I must confess I feel relieved that I only had 7 months of pregnancy! (hated both my pregnancies). I also appreciate how lucky we were to have no complications and a baby who fed well straight away, as we were the last ones in and the first ones out.
But yes, an emotional rollercoaster, fuelled by all the usual post natal hormonal chaos!

[mymatemax]

Certainly a range of emotions but i've never felt cheated of a normal pregnancy - The only advantage of ds2 being born at 28wks was that I didn't turn in to the elephant I was with ds1
But i have felt fear & sadness watching him go through so much, relief that he survived, guilt was it something I did?
Although he is disabled I realise just how lucky we are & all the "what ifs" won't change a thing.

[TinkerbellesMum]

I felt guilty because I couldn't carry her to term, because my body had failed her, because my body had failed her sister and that was why it failed again, because she had to have formula, because I didn't have milk for two weeks and she obviously wanted it...

I felt angry at myself for all the above, angry at the Dr's who took my birth away by giving me a general, angry at mothers who didn't seem to care about their baby (like seeing them huddled in the shelter smoking).

Felt jealous of women who could go to term, of their bump, of their birth, of holding their baby after they were born.

It took me a long time to feel anything positive, even when people sent me congratulations cards I didn't understand it I thought it was too soon, almost like I thought she was going to die too. Even now my postive feelings are because of her, she is a wonderfull child who you can't help but love and lights up the room, that's what makes me happy, her start just makes me sad, but numb and I can't explain that.

[LaDiDaDi]

I felt like I'd missed out on that first night with her lying next to me in her cot in hospital, holding her after delivery and dp and I cooing over her. Those things could make me sad if I thought about it too much.

[BecauseImWorthIt]

I'm sorry if I sound insensitive. I don't mean to.

DS1 was born at 38 weeks, after my waters broke at 36.5 weeks.

DS2 was born at 36 weeks. Again, waters broke - but this time birth was immediate.

Both times I was just grateful that I had a child that had survived.

I had positive births both times, with very supportive medical teams.

What on earth is to regret? The outcome both times was a healthy child. Why on earth would I be jealous of someone else with another experience? What have I missed out on? I gave birth both times, just as you have given birth to your child.

Sorry. Just don't get why you would feel robbed/bitter/envious, or whatever.

[TinkerbellesMum]

BecauseImWorthIt, my first daughter was born alive at 20 weeks, because of that my second daughter was born at 31 weeks - although they treated me for what caused the first one my body can't go to term anymore. I had to look at my daughter lying in an incubator for weeks knowing my body put her a healthy baby there and that my body failed her by not giving her the milk she needed.

Do you know how much I would have loved to have carried my girls to 36 weeks? 38 would have been wonderful! It makes me so mad when women complain about being pregnant, side effects of being term or waiting to go into labour or trying natural induction. They don't know what a gift they have to be so far through with a healthy baby (that wasn't aimed at you, it just fitted with that paragraph)

My daughter is doing well but she's not healthy - I'm glad yours were - she has to have an inhaler because her lungs are so small they close up, she has had croup and bronchiolitis TWICE (they are only normally diagnosed once) she has to go to A&E every other month and has 3 or 4 visits each time, her nose runs constantly because she is so prone to infection (she was just violently sick in the car because her nose was running and it made her cough). I have to live with the knowledge that I did that to her, I should have spoken to my GP years ago about my symptoms, I was in labour 27 hours with my first daughter and 20 with Tink I should have got help sooner, failing the first meant I failed the second.

This isn't meant to sound like it's against you, it's how I talk to myself daily, I'm just letting you into my head a little so you can maybe see the answer to your question a little.

[purpleduck]

Wow, Tinkerbelle - i have not had any of these experiences, but please be kinder to yourself. I don't know your specifics, but what has happened is in the past. You can help your children now by practicing a bit of forgiveness - to yourself. Have you seen anyone for these emotions - have you spoken to your gp/ midwife/ counsellor?

[AitchTwoOh]

tinksmum. try not to be so tough on yourself, you are a wonderful mum and try so very hard to get things right. i can't imagine what it must have been like to lose dd1, it's such a terrible shame.

[purpleduck]

oh, Tink I am so sorry, I didn't realise you have lost one

[TinkerbellesMum]

I have my logical side and my emotional side and usually my logic wins over and Tink is such an amazing child as I said you can't help but love her. Mostly my feelings are of the past, I don't quite see her as the same baby, in the present I'm more positive, if that makes sense. Usually I start thinking about things and Tink does her "Singing in the Rain" dance and I forget all about it lol.

Thanks for the hugs

[chipmonkey]

Tink
I had placenta praevia and started bleeding very heavily at 32 weeks. Within 24 hours ds3 was born by emergency CS under General Anaesthetic. Before I went into theatre I remember one of the nurses telling the other to "inform Unit 8" that ds3 would be arriving.
Now, here in Ireland, there had been a documentary series about that same Unit 8 which is the hospital's NICU and SCBU so my heart sank and I thought, "Oh, I'm having one of those babies" a tiny little scrap wired up to all those machines.
The incubator put a distance between us, he didn't like to be touched, it was dh who told me that he did like having his little hand held and I felt all the worse that I hadn't figured that out for myself, that dh was a better parent than me. I was sore and tired after the CS, staff had been too busy to bring me upstairs to see him and I really felt that to him , I could have been anyone, he had no way of knowing I was his Mum. no-one had told me his feeding routine or that it was on a chart on the wall and so I missed a lot of feeds to begind with. I was lucky in that I had a great milk supply from the start and he never had formula, which did make me feel a little better.
It does make me emotional thinking about it but he's 3 now and the picture of health and a very feisty little man. And he definitley knows who his Mammy is now!

[AussieSim]

I still find it hard to talk about. DS1 was 35weeker (I had threatened labour at 25 weeks and was in hospital for 3 weeks and then house bound on drugs for the remainder)and came out OK but he was taken to a special unit 40km's away and I couldn't join him for a couple of days. DH changed his nappy and kangarooed him before I did. And all I felt when I saw him for the first time in the new hospital was anger about us being separated - it really got in the way of us bonding initially. The nurses had already given him bottles of formula and a dummy by the time I joined him and then he had bad jaundice which was aggravated by my breastmilk. We stayed in hospital for two weeks. I got crap all help with breastfeeding and was made to feel like a bit of a failure and went home with bleeding cracked nipples. All in all I wouldn't wish my experience or premmie baby experience on anyone.

DS2'2 birth was text book and the difference in my attitude and bonding - well ... I am now 27weeks with DD1 and nervous about having another complicated pregnancy and premmie baby - but no one else thinks it is likely, which I don't find that comforting ...

[shabster]

I had a strange pregnancy experience with what I thought would be my firstborn.

We got to about 25 weeks and midwife said she thought baby was going to be a 'whopper' great thought I - I am only 4ft 11in this is going to be fun.

When I got to 34 weeks was taken into hospital with pre eclampsia. This was in 1981 when routine scans were not the norm. On the 18th December they decided to x ray me (think they had run out of ideas) and, suprise, suprise I was having twins!

They were born 10 days later at 38 weeks. Felt I had slightly missed out cause if I had known it was twins I could have 'milked it for all it was worth!!!'

Dont be hard on yourselves - a baby safely delivered (even with health problems)is 100% better than the other side of the coin.

[BecauseImWorthIt]

Tinkerbellesmum - sorry to hear your story. It must have been very difficult for you, and sounds like it continues to be so.

But it wasn't your fault! It's nothing that you did!

The difficult thing for all of us is that there really isn't just one way to be pregnant/have a baby, but all the books/magazines do tend to portray the whole thing in this way. When it doesn't go 'right' (like having a miscarriage, which also happened to me) then it can come as quite a shock.

But you're here, and you have your children - which (let's face it) not that many years ago would not have been the case.

[TinkerbellesMum]

Yes there are problems still, but as I said, it's mainly in the way I view the past. Unfortunately feelings aren't a choice and when you've had the lead up I've had to having a baby, you really can't expect to have a great time of it (I didn't even go into having miscarried triplets).

I don't believe we go through anything for nothing. I see the reasons for things because I am a logical thinker. I have to see Lily-Hope's birth and death as saving me and Tink. If she hadn't survived birth they would have called her a miscarriage and "one of those things". They wouldn't have tested me for everything under the sun and wouldn't have found out that they could treat me in my next pregnancy to prevent me losing the next baby. They can also treat me on a day to day basis so that I don't have any of the other symptoms that I could get.

Because I had such a hard start I value what I have more. I work hard to make sure she has a good life. I try to make decisions that respect her as an individual - not saying anything against people who did the things I didn't do - such as using real nappies, slings, following BLW and extended breastfeeding (NAK now lol). Because I had a hard time I want to help others, I started a Peer Supporter course last week. Funny thing is that the women I will be helping probably haven't had as hard a time as me, but it was because I was in hospital so long I got good support.

Yes, those negative feelings are there, but there are good ones too. I can appreciate having a healthy baby when I have one in the ground. I can be grateful to the NNU for working so hard to save her life, to the Nursery Nurses who got her breastfeeding, who never turned down the measly 1ml I gave them, who never let me give up trying to breastfeed. But I can still feel as bad as I described too. They're not mutually exclusive feelings.

[TinkerbellesMum]

It wasn't my deliberate fault, but it was my body that saw Lily-Hope as something that shouldn't be there and it is my body that thinks babies don't need to go to term because it never has.

It was my fault though that I ignored contractions or allowed a young inexperienced A&E dr to fob me off with a UTI when I couldn't pass water and was actually in labour. It was my fauly I allowed my contractions to get to the point where they were 90 secs long with 30 secs break before I went to hospital.

[HairyMaclary]

I do know where you are coming from Tinkerbellesmum - it was my DS1's 3rd birthday party this weekend and last night DH and I were talking about how 3 years ago we still thought we had a whole trimester of pregnancy to go. It made us both (although me more!) sad as he has to go through so much, he is disabled as a direct result of his prematurity and he has to work so much harder than everyone else to do everything. I wish that I could take that away and make his life easier so that he doesn't have to ask every time we go to the hospital (which is nearly every week) if it will hurt him . I wish knew at the time that I was in labour earlier and was more forceful in getting something done about it, although in reality it probably would not have made a difference. I don't feel cheated of a normal pregnancy, but I did find my second pregnancy wit DS2 very stressful, particulary around the 29 week mark when DS1 was born. I am very grateful that DS1 is around but I do find the anniversary of his birth a bit of an emotional time.

[sweetie66]

Oh I can so understand all your feelings tinkerbellsmum! I have them too all the time. My DD was born at 31weeks and like you this was caused by my body attacking her (I didn't know this when I got pregnant). From 12 weeks we were monitored constantly and had none of the joy of our first baby. We bought nothing and I felt constantly on edge worrying that something was happening. The one day the consultant just said he "had played God for long enough" and he needed to get her out. He had litterally been waiting to the point where he thought she was dying to get her out. I had a c-section and she was immediately taken away from me, I just had a brief glance. I never saw her till later that afternoon and never actually touched or held her for 4 days. she remained in NICU for 9 weeks during which time I and my DH were limited to what we could do for her. She had some horrendous things done to her which we had to watch (for her good but even so) She has a heart defect which has meant surgery and she faces more every few years. She also has breathing problems due to be ventilated and when she was 6mths she died and had to be rescitated(sp?). Not a day goes by when I don't wish everything had been normal and yes I do feel I have missed out on things (I became obsessed with watching birth programmes) You cannot imagine sleeping with other new Mums but not having your baby next to. Nor frantically trying to produce the milk she needs even though it is too early to come. I wasn't sent any cards or flowers as people weren't sure if we were happy or if she might die! Seeing people leave with their babies would send me into floods of "why me?" BUT now I know I have the most gorgeous loving little girl who faces everything with a bravery which makes us very proud. While everything didn't go as planned we did get the most precious thing in the end. Sorry hope this helps and makes you realise you are not alone in these feelings.

[TinkerbellesMum]

You've reminded me of things I'd forgotten. I was in a mixed ante/ post natal ward and they tried to keep the bays ante/ labour / post so as not to disturb people, myself and another prem mum were put in an antenatal bay. I woke up one morning in a puddle of milk, I'd never had so much milk before and I realised in the night they had put a new baby in with us. I was so upset and guilty that so much milk had been wasted.

I just wanted to say I didn't post all that to show how sorry I feel for myself, I posted it because I want the OP and anyone else reading this to realise it's normal.

[violetskies]

Firstly I must say I am a serial name changer.
My son was born at 26 weeks, but I had not found out I was pregnant until 12 weeks, so effectively I missed out on the first and lst trimester. He weighed 1lb 6oz.
I now I can never look back with regret , I think you have to move on, because if you don't, it will eat you alive. Yes my baby has cp, gdd, and ws born with a hole in the heart, chronic lung disease, iffy kidneys and he had to be comatosed for a month as he couldn't poo. But, the bottom line is he is alive and a vital functional himan being who brings more love and laughter into our life in one day than most people have in thier lives ever.
I made good friends in the scbu unit, my friends both had their babies at 23 weeks and four days and the babies weighed 1lb 6 like ds. Their births I find harder to come to terms with than I ever did with ds, because they were born in the time span you can have an abortion. I never thought I would be against LATE abortion, but J and P have changed that for me. (please note I say LATE not ALL)
Anyway, hello!

[violetskies]

Firstly I must say I am a serial name changer.
My son was born at 26 weeks, but I had not found out I was pregnant until 12 weeks, so effectively I missed out on the first and lst trimester. He weighed 1lb 6oz.
I now I can never look back with regret , I think you have to move on, because if you don't, it will eat you alive. Yes my baby has cp, gdd, and ws born with a hole in the heart, chronic lung disease, iffy kidneys and he had to be comatosed for a month as he couldn't poo. But, the bottom line is he is alive and a vital functional himan being who brings more love and laughter into our life in one day than most people have in thier lives ever.
I made good friends in the scbu unit, my friends both had their babies at 23 weeks and four days and the babies weighed 1lb 6 like ds. Their births I find harder to come to terms with than I ever did with ds, because they were born in the time span you can have an abortion. I never thought I would be against LATE abortion, but J and P have changed that for me. (please note I say LATE not ALL)
Anyway, hello!

[DontlookatmeImshy]

Thank you all for your replies, they have really helped, especially Tinkerbellesmum. I'm so sorry to hear your story. Although my experience is nowhere near as bad as yours, you posts have been very helpful. (I also just had a look at your profile and Isobel is gorgeous )

BecauseImWorthIt - Im glad you don't get it, (don't mean that in a nasty way) because I wouldn't wish the feelings on anyone. I wish i didn't feel that way, it's not a way i choose to feel, and I certainly don't dwell on it but it's still there. It is something i think i will eventually get over. It will just take time. Like TBM said the feelings aren't mutually exclusive. I remember the 1st night in SCBU feeling gutted that ds2 had to be there connected up to tubes and monitors, yet at the same time feeling so thankful he wasn't as badly off as the other 4 babies in the same room as him.

I think part of the reason I feel cheated is because with ds1 i spent 3 weeks (from 34weeks) in the ante-natal ward due to grade 4 placenta previa. Was booked for a cs at 38 for which i had time to get used to the idea, but ended up having a massive bleed and a crash-section at 37 weeks. I lost alot of blood and it took a hell of a long time to recover. Maybe I was being naive but once i found out there was no chance of pp again this time I felt this was my chance to have a normal pregnancy and birth. Ds2 was also a good weight for a 35 weeker and I have stopped telling people that the midwives said he would have been 8lb+ at term because of the comments like "oo I bet you're glad he came early then". Errr.... No!

Like alfiebabe I am apprehensive about a potential no.3. I found out after ds1 was born that the midwives had been suspicious that something was going to happen with me soon, which explained the sudden increase in monitoring the 2-3 days before i bled, and the constant queries of "can you feel those tightenings". I couldn't feel them but they were blatant of the traces. This time i felt them but they didn't show on the trace??!!. On one hand if i am prone to earlier labours next time I hope I will be more mentally prepared. On the other hand i don't know if i even want to risk it.

[sweetkitty]

Wow at the stories on here, I had DD1 at 37+5 early but still term, she was a little scrap although a monster compared to some on here, she struggled to feed and had jaundiced but that was all, I feel very lucky.

With DD2 I was 41+5 so at the opposite end but yes it can be frustrating going overdue but it's a 100 times better than being early. DD2 was a big healthy girl, you just don't have the same worry with an overdue one.

If I were to be given the choice, early or late I would chose late every time. Your premmies must be so so extra special to you all.

[violetskies]

Sweetkitty, he is no more special to me than his sister. My kids are equally as loved and wanted as each other.