Trying to just get on with life

[NewToAllThis11]

Hi all
I hope this doesn't just turn into a rant, but I fear it may do...
My DS was born at 27 weeks and is now 15months (12 corrected). He has been home from hospital for almost a year and is the most wonderful, lovely, scrumptious little son I could wish for. He is still small (2nd centile), but seems to be fine in all other respects and is meeting his corrected age milestones.

My DH and I feel so lucky to have him, considering his dramatic arrival in the world and even though it was only last year, it feels like a long time since he was born. I had counselling while he was in hospital which really helped and I genuinely feel at peace with everything that happened, although looking at photos of him when he was very little still upset me and I jump at any kind of alarm, which must be a hangover from the sats machines.

My issue is really other people's reactions to me and my son. We go to quite a few baby groups and people there ask me about his birth, time in hospital, whether he will have learning difficulties so often and I hate talking about it. Luckily I have a really nice group of friends with babies the same age, but if I didn't, I would be really put off going to any groups. I live in quite a small area and I feel like I am known as the woman with the premature baby.

This morning, a woman from the library at a group I was at insisted on giving me a book pack for children with special needs because DS was premature. Now if he did have additional needs, or if he does in the future, I will explain that he does and hopefully get him all the support he needs. But I feel really irritated by people just assuming that there will be something 'wrong' with him when he is just a small boy trying to get on with his life after a difficult start, or that I must be a deranged mother to think that I can just get on with my life or treat him like any other baby.

As anyone who has had a very premature or I'll baby will know, it is a hellish time that you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy and you couldn't even begin to explain it to someone who hasn't experienced it. I'm not in denial - I just want to move on with my life for the sake of my family and myself!

Sorry - very ranty!

[NewToAllThis11]

Meant to say has anyone experienced anything similar or got any advice? x

[Valdeeves]

I haven't had your experience as mine were past thirty weeks - so on the less noticeable weight scale of above 5lbs. I 've felt like my prem babies got me noticed infact usually it's me spreading the awareness.
As for additional needs, I think that's insensitive of that lady and not what you need right now.

[Valdeeves]

Didn't get me noticed I mean

[Valdeeves]

Feel free to rant - it's hard having a prem baby - I had two!

[NewToAllThis11]

Thanks Val --at the time I just took the book and wanted to get the hell out of there, but on reflection I do think it was massively insensitive and inappropriate. I looked at the pack when I got home and it's for children aged 2-4 who are blind, partially sighted or have fine motor problems, none of which apply to my DS.
It is hard, especially when you end up talking to strangers about it almost everyday.

[plentyofshoes]

Yes I had loads of crap off other people with ds. He was born at 33 weeks and fell off the charts. He was very small as a baby/toddler.
I had a woman follow me around toddler gym class once asking if ds would be delayed at school. So rude. Small comments constantly. I am a very confident person but it had me in tears many, many times.
Rant away. Nearly 6 years later it still annoys me. He is still slim which is no bad thing!
Dd was also prem, she has caught up very fast though. I took her to baby groups when she was younger and still smaller tgan averagr. I was prepared this time and I commented back which ended many "small" conversations.
Your ds is doing amazingly well. Many term babies have long term issues. Enjoy your time with him.

[plentyofshoes]

Also complain about the woman in a polite way. It was insensitive and it will stop her doing it again to others.
I complained about a sales woman at Next as she made inappropriate comments about the size of my ds compared to her "big son." People need to think before speaking.
My rant over

[MultipleMama]

I've had similar experiences and I politely tell them off and return with a sarcastic comment, yes it's okay for them to be curious. I saw this post and it summed things up.

One person asked about his gestation after she asked in a polite manner why he was on oxygen, to this point she was very polite and wasn't intrusive, and when I said 31 weeks she replied "oh not that early then, I know baby that was born at 28 weeks who nearly died," I literally wanted to hit her but I just walked away.

[NewToAllThis11]

Thank you, plenty, and multiplemama I think I've heard all of those! It sometimes feels like prematurity is the gift (you don't want) that keeps on giving. A lot of the time I give DS' corrected age when strangers ask me about his age, but I usually explain about his prematurity when at groups etc. as he's so small.

I do find it amazing how insensitive people are. I don't really mind people asking me about it in a sensitive way, but so often they're amazed that a baby could be born so early and when it gets to his birth weight, I almost think they don't believe me when I say it was 1lb 7.

I sometimes feel its other mums who can be the most judgy in a kind of 'that sort of thing happens to other people' kind of way, as though you expected it all along.

And I hate feeling like I'm other peoples' 'story', as in 'someone I know had a baby at 27weeks' kind of way.

Argh - feels good to have a little rant!

[MultipleMama]

Yea I hate that too. I also hate when they start using his weight as a competition, "oh he weight 1lb 9oz well mine weighed 6lb" like it's something impressive when just insensitive. It's almost like anything you can do I can do better. As awful as that sounds.

I've heard all those too and it's been mainly other mothers who do it, I even had one preemie mum say something.

I'd rather have a child ask as they're so less concerned and more curious. My 4yo nephew asked who much Halo weighed when he was born I said as heavy as your box of cereal he replied "that's heavy!" It made me smile and he even thought he had a big head which made me smile so much! :)

[MsVenus]

Have a read of this article on the BBC website

m.bbc.co.uk/news/health-27984883

My ds was born at 26 weeks and is now 5 years old and just finishing reception year in a unit within a mainstream school. It was and is tough but you take one day at a time and measure each little step as progress. My ds progresses everyday and things people take for granted I am so thankful for because it could have been a different story.

[NewToAllThis11]

Thank you, MsVenus, that's a really interesting article. One of the consultants mentioned looked after my DS in hospital. I'm glad your DS is making good progress and I completely agree about not taking things for granted. I burst into tears the first time my DS sat on his own for a minute. I tend to feel relieved when he progresses developmentally as he should, rather than excited, IYSWIM.

Sometimes I wish I could just fast forward the next few years so I could know how my DS is and whether he is going to find things more difficult, but I also don't want to look back and regret that I spent so much time worrying.