Supporting friends with a baby in special care

[Quodlibet]

Hello all

I'd appreciate some advice and wisdom. Some dear friends have a baby in special care and quite poorly after a traumatic birth (baby is currently stable but with an uncertain long-term prognosis, mum pretty battered too), and we are thinking how we can support them when they might be too shocked and stunned to be able to ask for help for a little while.

Can anyone give me and tips for practical - and emotional - support? Or point me in the direction of any previous threads?

Thanks in advance.

[Quodlibet]

Sorry - I should have said - baby is full-term, but suffering after a problematic delivery. I hope this is the right place to post as many here will have had experience of a baby in special care for an extended time.

[newnameforanewstart]

Ok, things you can do

Ask how they are feeling and LISTEN its is amazing how often this is forgotten.

If your friend is not able to get the special care baby unit without help, could you go and help and give her DH a break?

Start cooking, because when and if they get home they will need a stock of easy to eat meals whatever might happen

Would your friend or her DH appreciate anything from outside the hospital? Food, Clothing, magazines etc?

Are they in a general post delivery ward or in a side room?

Does your friend need an advocate to help her speak up about things that are important to them, skin to skin, kangaroo care, expressing etc?

Could you just go and sit and have a chat with her and give her DH a break etc?

I hope this all works out, and Mum and baby are home safe, sound, and well soon.

[Valdeeves]

Text and keep a day to day contact to show you care.
Hand cream is a great gift - due to all the hand washing in SCBU.
Prepared food is great too.

[Valdeeves]

I second the magazines!

[Quodlibet]

Thank you - great advice. We are on it with the freezer meals (helpful for anyone with a newborn in my opinion!)

[newnameforanewstart]

Hospital food can get people down sometimes. Does your friend like any snacks? Drinks? Nibbly bits? Something that she really enjoys might help make her feel more like her self iyswim and will help a little to keep her spirits up, she needs to eat to keep her energy up but it was the one things I couldn't be bothered with. Someone bought me a load of yummy nibbly bits and I did pick at them and it got me eating. Sweets can be good too, favourite books, magazines, etc help to keep her mind a little occupied something that is easy to pick up and put down. Think comforting things that your friend likes.

Lip, hand and face cream are always great!

NICE tissues - the once that don't make your nose feel as raw.

I know a few people that the misting cooling sprays have gone down really well.

Washing clothing might be very much appreciated too, does she need any supplies of things like breast pads, maternity pads, big comfy knickers or yoga pants that might not make her feel too sore. (Friends were much better at picking me up bits that EXDH, and I felt more able to ask them, they also got bits that they knew I would like)

Would helping her wash her hair or get changed etc make her feel a bit more human? Oddly practical stuff was the thing I struggled with the most, couldn't wash my hair and DH was blinky crap at it. A friend popped in took one look and something along the lines of "I'm here, why don't you pop home and pick up x,y,z bits DH" Once he'd gone we have a good cry, then she asked what is the one things that you really want, anything?" She helped me wash, dry, brush and put my hair up and really did make me feel better. It let me clean off that yucky feeling iyswim.

My bet would be that the thing she wants the most, is a hug and a chat.

[BellaVida]

I would say the emotional support is the most important, especially when she leaves hospital. My twins were in SCBU and leaving the hospital without them was so upsetting. I just got home and sobbed for my babies.

Whilst she is in hospital, anything to help her feel a bit more human

• things to freshen up, but which aren't too strong smelling. Baby wipes are great too and anti bac hand gel.
  
• nice clean nighties and then loose comfy clothes so she can dress easily.
  
• plenty of drinks, snacks, magazines etc.
  
• maybe a little notebook so she can write down any thoughts or questions she needs to ask (I remember being pretty 'foggy' after the birth).
  
• little teddy or snuggly for the baby. They can put it on the incubator or cot in SCBU. I always thought SCBU looked so cold and scary, but this helped me.
  

Most of all just be there. She will be feeling such a mix of emotions. Thoughts to you all.

[zzzaaaccc1]

all of the above.

A txt each day just to see how they are i had a friend that did this and it just said hows things but it made me feel like some one was there for us.

had another friend who popped in each day to let our dogs out again somthing we worried about but this made it so much easier as we were out of the house all day long.

offer of lift to hospital or back again if her OH has to go back to work.

Again just be there if she needs you. x

[Poppet45]

Handcream!! The hospital antiseptic washes left my hands raw and bleeding after 80+ days. And I still treasure a particular shower gel my sister bought for me whole I was still in hospital in the early days. The smell is so comforting and evocative... And my dd is almost three. And be a pest about offering to drive her to and from the unit. She wont want to ask but its such a help. Hope her dc is making progress.

[Poppet45]

Oh and good on you. You sound lovely!!

[Poppet45]

Be prepared for the lo to amaze you all too. They are the toughest little things.

[beccajoh]

Hand cream.

[plentyofshoes]

I have alot more time for certain friends now and those are the ones who stayed in touch via text alot.
They listened after and never dismissed what I went through even when it really hit me, which was one year later.