I know I am being silly .... but I just can't help being terrified ....

[Ghosty]

S'only me again.

Like the title says ... I know I am being silly but I am just terrified that I will lose this baby. I can't get it out of my head. I am 9 weeks on Saturday and there is no reason to suggest really that there should be a problem as my boobs are like rocks and I am feeling permanently sick and I am putting on weight BUT I just can't help it. This morning I had a bit of discharge ... nothing nasty, but managed to convince myself that the baby had died like last time (I had a funny discharge 2 weeks before I started bleeding).
I have even got a scan tomorrow morning (begged my m/w for it) even though there is no real need. I am convinced there won't be a heart beat and I even dreamed the other night that I am not pg at all and I have imagined it all and that the sonographer will laugh at me.
I am not sleeping ... and want to cry all the time.
Oh god Oh god Oh god ... somebody slap me and tell me to get a grip .... pleeeeeeaaaase!!!

[lilibet]

You poor love. Wish I could say something to make it all go away for you. Its dreadfully sad that your last baby died but there is nothing to suggest that this one will, you are pregnant and there is a little life growing bigger by the minute inside of you. You will feel so much better after your scan and when you can hear the heartbeat. You don't need slapping at all, all your anxieties are perfectly understandable. I'm sending you massive hugs and will remember you and baby in my prayers. Does your dh know how you are feeling?

[anais]

I've never had a miscarriage, but I felt the same as you throughout both pregnancies. Both my pregnancies were fairly easy in terms of physical symptoms, but both my babies had 'problems' detected during pregnancy, so that kind of emphasised things.

Don't be too hard on yourself. Just try and relax and enjoy the pregnancy. Hugs from me too.

[Eeek]

You're not being silly. In fact it seems to me you're being very brave. You're understandably worried given what's happened before. You had a tragedy and you're bound to be looking for signs that of another one. I can't offer you any solutions that you haven't thought of yourself. Do whatever you can to reassure yourself as often as you need to - go in for scans every day if you feel the need. Is someone going to be with you tomorrow? How is your dh/p coping?

[Wills]

Oh Ghosty - I soooo know how you feel. I'm sure you probably read the "mum 2b following miscarriage" thread so you know that Marina, Katherine and I know how you feel. I can only tell you what helped me. Funny films, good books, definitely mumsnet etc. Even now at 31 weeks I still don't feel safe enough to buy anything but I don't constant worry like I did during the first few weeks so it does get better. As for getting a grip... don't be so hard on yourself! What's this, stiff upper lip. Of course you're scared, anyone who has been through a miscarriage and is normal would be! Better to laugh though. So are you a "pray before you go to the toilet and avoid it at all costs" or more like me and a "that was a trickle and I'll madly dash off right this second regardless of what I had been doing!"?

I'm not sure how I got through my first few weeks cos they're ghastly but books definitely helped and talking about it on mumsnet helped as well.
Loads and tonnes of cyber hugs

Take care of yourself.

[Marina]

Ghosty, you DON'T need someone to slap you and tell you to get a grip, you need to be kind and gentle to yourself and accept that feeling like this at least some of the time during this pregnancy is not silly. I'm so glad the midwife gave in to your pleas for an extra scan - did you tell her why you particularly wanted it? I have found that being honest with the health professionals looking after me this time has helped. Ditch your inhibitions about "making a fuss" etc and if you are worried about losing the baby, tell them how you are feeling. It has been mostly (about 90%) my experience with everyone involved in my care this time that they appreciate and accept why I am so paranoid.
You suffered a great loss, it is not surprising that you are having vivid dreams in which your underlying fears are exposed. I've had the "baby dies and health professionals laugh in my face" nightmares too, I bet a lot of women experiencing pregnancy after loss get them.
I cannot recommend bereavement counselling highly enough, if you feel you can get a referral to someone local to you with whom you can build up a rapport. It has been so helpful to talk through the psychological implications of dealing with the loss of a child, while carrying the hope of new life - and to keep it "separate" in some respects from all the bloods, heartburn, concrete breasts etc.
And like Wills says, you can come and join our thread - the gusset inspectors are waiting and you can keep Pie company as we prepare to check out!
Big hugs to you. I have a scan tomorrow as well - a 34 week growth scan. Let's hope that 1000s of miles and almost 24 hours apart we both have lots to rejoice in.
When I was nine weeks pregnant I NEVER, EVER thought I'd get that far. And am I pleased and positive about it? No, I am terrified, just like you. But, once I got past the point at which I lost Tom, I started to feel more confident about this baby, little by little. I hope and think the same will apply to you.

[mears]

Ghosty - your feelings are completely justifiable and you will keep having 'wobblies' until you can have the reassurance of feeling the baby move. Perhaps tomorrow after your scan you will feel a bit more confident. I remember feeling the same as you when I became pregnant after my miscarriage, but once I felt movement I found I did relax.
I can't believe how far Wills and Marina are now into their pregnancies - the reality of a baby seems so far away at the beginning but time passes really quickly. All the best for tomorrow - and for you Marina - hope you get good views on your scans

[Metrobaby]

Ghosty - everyone here has written such good advice here and I don't have really anything to add except I am thinking of you and sending you lots of cyber hugs too.

FWIW - I think its perfectly understandable how you are feeling especially after your loss. If at any point you want to have extra scans or midwife visits, please don't be scared in asking for one for re-assurance. Thats what I've found them most valuable for and they never ever made me feel like I was being over anxious, silly or that I was wasting their time.

I remember in the later stages of my pg, dh could hear dd's heart - so I often used to wake him in the middle of the night in a right state asking him to check. Needless to say dd, often used to reward him with a hefty clout !

Thinking of you anyway. Good luck with your scan.

[ScummyMummy]

Oh babe. I think everyone here is so right. This sounds normal and inevitable after your miscarriage. You absolutely DO NOT need a good slap. More like a good hug and the chance to keep grieving. Being pregnant again doesn't undo the fact that you miscarried and lost a baby and that's bound to make you feel extra scared this time round, I'd have thought. Hope the scan is reassuring and remember we're all thinking of you on here. xxxxxxxx

[SoupDragon]

Ghosty, I worried about all those things throughout both my pregnancies and I'd not lost one. It's perfectly understandable.

[crazynow]

Ghosty, I'm the same as soupdragon, with prg no. 2 I constantly worried about the baby dying and even though I heard the hearbeat and had a scan at 12wks seeing it move about, I still worried until about 17wks. I'm 28wks now, but still have days where I think the babys too quiet and prod the tummy to get him moving because he's very active and if he has a quite day I worry! I'd not lost one for me to be like this.

So I'm sending you loads of hugs and hope your little one does some circus acts for you while your being scanned.

[Melly]

Ghosty, know exactly how you feel, it really is hard isn't it when you've had a miscarriage, the trips to the loo, what if I lose the baby etc & no matter how hard you try sometimes you can't think about anything else.
I hope all goes well for you when you have the scan today, I'm sure you will feel much better once you've had the scan.
Take care & look after yourself.
Melly xx

[WideWebWitch]

Oh Ghosty, so much good advice here. Try to be nice to yourself, I agree - you need a hug rather than a slap so I hope DH gives you loads of them. Cyber hugs coming your way from me too.

[pie]

Everyone hear has given you such wise words, so I'm just want to back them up.

This pregnancy is my first after my m/c and I'm 24 weeks today and only just last week thought about buying anything for the little one. I'm still checking for blood everytime I go to the toilet. I don't know if you'll ever feel ok until you hold the baby in your arms, but thats ok.

As will says, come join the for mums2b moving on from the pg after mc thread in a few more weeks I'll be the only one left, but everyone on there knows how terrifed your feeling right now, and its such a support.

{{{{}}}}

[M2T]

Ghosty... cant really offer any better advice. But I hope things settle down soon for you and you can really start to enjoy your pregnancy..... especially when you can feel those re-assuring wriggles. Hope all goes well at the hospital.

[bunnyrabbit]

YOU ARE NOT BEING SILLY!!!!!

With your hormones playing havoc with your emotions and your justified nervousness after the MC, your entitled to be as scared as you like. Stop being so hard on yourself.

I had a viability scan at 7 weeks (after some bleeding) and was convinced that there wasn't a baby and never had been, just a late period. Burst in to tears when I saw the heartbeat.

I can't really imagine how you must feel, as
I am very lucky in that I haven't had an MC, but I still feel nervous, anxious and terrified.

Whenever I don't feel the little one for more than an hour I start to worry and think about phoning the midwife/doctor/DH.

I'm 31 weeks and am convinced that I won't make the distance, that something horrific will happen, car accident, fall down the stairs etc.
On Friday the doctor said I have a urinary infection and I measure a bit small.... that really helped!!!

But in the end, what will be will be.....

You will get through this.
You are strong enough.

Please let us know how the scan goes.. BR

[Enid]

Ghosty, like others on this thread I've been there!! I had to go on holiday when I was 9 weeks pg after a mc. It was horrible, spent the whole time running to the loo checking, felt EXTREMELY anxious and just didn't enjoy being in Spain AT ALL. I had a scan at 10 weeks as I had a bladder infection and convinced myself I was miscarrying. I went a bit loony I think, but of course its natural to feel like that. I did stop worrying (quite so much) by the time I was about 15 weeks. Try try try to relax and pamper yourself, nice baths, whatever you normally do to relax, it all helps and I hope your scan went well. x E

[nettie]

Ghosty, hope the scan goes ok for you, and helps to calm your worries a bit! I had a miscarriage before ds2, found that I didn't enjoy being pregnant with ds2 at all, but managed to be brave and aim for each milestone, first scan, first movement , heartbeat etc. Didn't truely relax though until screaming baby presented to me in delivery room!
Relax and take care.

[Katherine]

Ghosty - they only way you are thinking you are being silly is thinking you are silly IYSWIM. Oh its lovely to catch up with you and I am SOOOOOO pleased for you. But I'm afraid it just won't be the same this time - you are bound to be scared. You've got to take it one day at a time until you get past the major milestones and you will still be paranoid. Small comfort I'm afraid but just remember that just because you are paranoid doesn't mean things will go wrong. Oh I so wish I could be there for you today. What time is your scan? Hope its early so you don't have to wait too long. I barely dared look at the screen on my 13 weeks scan this time and when I saw everything was OK my eyes went so watery I couldn't really see much afterwards. Hang on in there. Remember we are all here..... Hugs

[StripyMouse]

Just want to add my big bundle of hugs and best wishes for you, Ghosty. Please let us know how today has gone for you and hope that it reassures you. I will be thinking of you and sending my most happy and relaxing thoughts your way

[bunny2]

Ghosty, I know when I eventually do get pregnant again, I will be exactly the same as you. It is so normal to feel your fears after a mc so dont be too hard on yourself. Big cyber hugs to you.

[monkey]

I felt the same gripping fear practically every minute of my 1st pg after early bleeding. I counted every minnute, and I'm sure made myself twice as bad. I don't remember the pg, & certainly didn't enjoy it - I just remember the fear, and I haven't even had the miscarriage as such that you've had.

Even now, half way throught the 3rd pg, I'm counting the days, constantly looking at the calendar. If it's at all possible, I'd suggest you try not to do this & try to distract yourself. Easier said than done - I'm not following my own advice!

Have you had the scan yet? I wish you well, I'm sure you'll be fine & I hope it helps relax you. Hope you can at least push the fear to one side so you can enjoy your pg at the same time. All the best

[Ghosty]

Thank you all so much for your lovely messages of support. I am feeling all emotional (there's a change ) because of you all!
The scan is at 10.30 this morning (Friday now in NZ!) ... it is 7.45 am now ... so I am on tenterhooks about it. I just need to see/hear a heartbeat and I can relax a bit ... until 12 weeks!
I had a lovely afternoon with Sibble and Britabroad yesterday who cheered me up and talked me through it too so if you are reading this you two ... thanks!!
Oh how I long for the days of my first pregnancy. Then I knew about risks of abnormalities and m/cs and all that but all of that stuff happened to other people not me ... I skipped in for my 12 week scan and skipped out ... I offered my arm happily for blood tests not even knowing that they were testing for this, that and the other ... never once checked my pants for blood or anything ... never once worried about pains or cramps or any of that. I slept when I needed to ... I had a day off when I felt the need ... Oh it was joyful .... the road to childbirth was a golden one ... I was a goddess bearing the fruit of life .... and nothing was going to get in the way ...
And then of course I gave birth and I was hit by a sledgehammer and thrown on that roller coaster of 'new parenthood' ... long labour ... c/s ... stitches ... cracked nips ... leaky tits ... sleep deprivation ... the 'why is he crying?' ... blah blah blah ...
So here I am ... doing it again ... but this time the road to childbirth is fraught with obstacles and fear and worry and danger ... the what ifs ... the scans ... the tests ... miscarriage ... still birth ... damage to me or baby ....
I just want to get through the next 31 (!) weeks and hold that baby and be back on that roller coaster of having a new baby ... rather than in this nightmare that is called the first trimester!!!!! It's the not knowing what is round the corner that is so hard!
Anyway ... sorry for the ramble .... been tossing and turning all night thinking things and thought it best to blurb them on to mumsnet .... 'better out than in' IMHO!!!!
Thanks again girls .... will post later with news of scan ... love ghosty xxxxx

[1stimer]

Hi Ghosty,
I hope the scan has gone well, my thoughts are with you, can't say much else that hasn't been said so eloquently already. I send a hug from the Bay of Islands. At work now but will check in for a report if youre up to one...