My feed
Premium
Please
or
to access all these features

Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.

Pregnancy

Is an abortion the right option for a woman terrified of being a mother?

47 replies

luxmundi · 09/12/2008 22:40

I don't know what to do. I despise contraception, because i use it, the double-dutch method if i can get it, and it still bloody fails!

Right now i'm so depressed i can't function - maybe that's the fact that i've not been able to clear my bowels for weeks, that i sleep 16 hours a day and i feel like throwing up even though im starving. I'm miserable beyond words.

I'm sure my boyfriend will either leave or well, become so remote our relationship will just wither.

I think an abortion is probably best for me. I had one before - i didn't want to but my boyfriend and i agreed it was the best thing to do, and I was very upset about it, it was the single most excruciatingly painful experience of my life, but this time it doesn't seem taboo, i feel much more...grown up about it. I just don't think i should ever have children, maybe the last abortion traumatised me, but i don't want children anymore. But i don't want to go threw with the abortion because it is so painful and messy and i'm worried afterwards i WILL change my mind - i'm so contrary. Add to that i still feel like a murderer for last time because that child was wanted (if not planned). This one was actually wished for...then i got my wish without trying for it and oh my god, what was i thinking! I don't want this! I don't i really don't, i'm not ready, motherhood is not beautiful, it is HELL. Even if you have just 1 child to raise, is it still not a financial drain and an absolute unremitting nightmare? I have no patience, and i am incapable of loving something that doesn't show me love, i'm one of those people who completely switches off when slighted, i don't like it, but it's my hard wiring.

I thought...when i have kids i'll be much more enlightened, i'll be matured...i'll own a house with a forest and i'll be able to teach them philosophy. It's all gone array!

I just think i'll be a terrible mother. I'm planning on starting a phd in clinical psychology, i'm still studying for my MA, i know i'll get help from the state to pay for child care etc but that feels like sponging....i was planning on keeping my savings for buying a cello! Not for putting a deposit on a house to rent! I will not be a stay at home mum ever, whatever age i am - this is the sort of example i want to make to my children in any case. But i don't know if i can cope with that.

I am a lazy cow i think, i might not be a party animal, but i do what i want when i want, i just...go, wandering alone at night with my camera, to the shore, ok, it's a bit lonely, but maybe i'm a loner. I'm worried i don't have the personality to have someone with me all the time, i'm too selfish. I will resent it. And children are just so damn ungrateful! I was a horrible horrible little brat and all my cousins etc have given their parents total hell too, and the father isn't much to go by either.

I just can't think of anything good about parenting. It's stressful, it's messy, babies and toddlers are unappealing and unattractive little mites who make mess and scream. Parks bore me. I have no idea what to do with little kids, older ones i like, little ones....hm, and then, i've not spent much time with older ones either.

I often find that my life feels dull now i admit, that i would possibly welcome a distraction - but i need 8 hours sleep or i turn into a terrifying hydra. i'm not a going out sort of person, though i make a big effort, i have a few not so close friends, a not close family who live miles away (not my choice; they just aren't very loving people, my mum all but threw me out when i was 15 because she wanted her space back) but that tells me having a child will be harder not easier = no support networks.
My boyfriend is taciturn and hot and cold which upsets me deeply. He doesn't want children until we are financially secure. Curiously when we first dated 5 years ago he was lovely and affectionate, he taught me how to love because i'd never experienced love before, but now we've swapped roles completely, now the more affection i show him, the more he takes me for granted and flirts with other women etc.

I am under no illusions (from experience of my family) that children get on with their parents, no, they argue, throw violent tantrums, grow up, piss off to the other side of the country and phone you occasionally if you're lucky - it seems like child bearing is a cruel joke. Funny...i've only started thinking like this since i was pregnant. I've read most parents regret their children, or rather, the oppotunities they prevented them having. I'm not sure what they will be; my cousin was a mother at 20 but she manages fine, but i just feel very, very uneasy. I can't even drive for goodness sake!

I'm terrified of losing my 20 something stomach to stretch-mark ridden bloat (like my hips, and breasts, got stretch marks as a teenager) I starved for many years to get from being an overweight teen to a slim and attractive 20 year old. That was suffering.

I know that IF my boyfriend was behind me, i'd go for it, because i'd have what i've always wanted - security, he is emphatically NOT, and i don't trust him at all because he is not reliable. He is sensible however, but we have no security, little money, and we have things rotting in the fridge because we are both still in the student frame of thinking...

So weird, a year ago i would have loved all the responsibility of being a mum, because i was at a lose end, but now i'm career directed and i think i must have gotten smarter or wiser, because all i can see now is a long tunnel of depression and physical and emotional pain - and i feel so ill. Post natal depression for me do you think?

And being a single mum? The thought terrifies me. I'll hurt it, ignore it, i won't be able to cope and my family will consider me a failure, again. I'm one of those people who buys a new toy and sends it back when they get bored..i know i can't do that with a child and i am TERRIFIED. Absolutly terrified. What if we don't like each other? I know if i give birth and my partner isn't there i will just cry and cry and it will be so much more difficult.

I want to send it to private school - can i be sure i can afford that by the time its old enough?? I can't say i have a hundred things to do that a child would prevent, i don't actually have that much i want to do other than write and paint and research. All i can think is, this man doesn't love me enough to love our child...and i want a family that is loving and secure because i've never had that. I just don't want to feel so scared and stressed and unloved and unwanted by this world that has lost all the magic i saw as a child...and i don't want my child to feel like that either. I don't want a burden, i don't want my child to feel burdened with me! I don't want to be tied to anything because it terrifies me, i want to be like a chameleon...(i love that movie chocolate, if i could have that and my child then i'd be happy, lol, unrealism.)

And what about a sex life? Dating? I read damage to the vagina can = never to have good sex again! My favourite past time! i can do some amazing things with those muscles at the moment. My boyfriend may not be interested anymore...well, he wont. And i am pathetically weak - i mean, i go queasy from the pain of a paper cut. Childbirth? I'll be traumatized for life. and then what if i DIE! I have books to write, i have research to conduct...what a waste of the feminist agenda...

I should note you are hearing the worst fears here, i don't have room for the positives in this post but point them out if there are any that you can see. I just can't deal with this anymore. I want to feel proactive. I don't want to make another stupid decision that i'll regret, either way. And why the hell do i keep craving vineger on salad?

And then i keep it and there is the risk of disabilities. Oh god...i can't comprehend the psychological toll of that on me because it was unplanned. I mean, blind, deaf, ok, that's not so bad. But seriously mentally or physically challenged? And the chances of that happening because i'm in this situation...well if feels like the chances are high because i'm thinking about it.

How much of this is down to stress and terror? I don't know. Tomorrow i'll be thinking 'i want it' but do i want it because my boyfriend is an arsehole and i want to hurt him? BAD reason! (i also want to get rid of it because i love him, lol) Or do i want it because i want to love it, i want someone to love me? SELFISH reason. Do i want it because i'm afraid of being abandoned again? Why not get a dog in that case?

Reproduction. I don't understand being human.
I don't understand why i can't feel happy.

OP posts:
Report
whoingodsnameami · 09/12/2008 22:50

I rearly dont know what to say, but you urgently need proffesional advice, reading your post I was flipping from pity, anger, and, disbelief.

Report
Zebraa · 09/12/2008 22:50

Sounds like you're in a bit of shock.

How old are you?

When considering an abortion, it really must be your decision. You have to be able to say to yourself in the future, "I did what I thought was best in that moment in time".

I really don't think you need to justify your reasons, as it really has to be your decision.

Go to the drs, explain your situation and they'll put you in touch with the right people.

Report
Zebraa · 09/12/2008 22:51

I'm not sure whether you're mentally unstable or just severely in shock. Either way, speak to your Dr tomorrow morning.

Report
whoingodsnameami · 09/12/2008 22:56

luxmundi, its late now, you may not get many replies, I will bump it for you tomorrow if need be.

Report
Ginni · 09/12/2008 23:01

Gosh this is a long post, it feels rude answering it with something so short! Do you know how far gone you are? You really do sound unhappy, could you get some counselling from a professional on this issue perhaps? I'd also have thought it would be worth speaking to your GP about your sad feelings, it sounds like you have been feeling this way from long before you found out you were pregnant - your GP may be able to prescribe medication or refer you for counselling/ CBT. It does sound like you have made up your mind to terminate, but might be worth discussing this with a professional before you make up your mind for sure.

Report
mumhadenough · 09/12/2008 23:02

I too can't decide whether you are in desperate need of some counselling or you are just in shock are are vocalising.

You really need to speak to your GP, have your pregnancy confirmed and ask them to refer you to the right people to help you talk through your decision.

BTW many of the feelings you mention I felt too and I had a planned pregnancy. I'm by no means the worst mum in the world, but I'm not the best either.

Oh and when you get that first smile when they're about 6 weeks old and its all meant for you, it makes it all worth it, every single little bit.

Report
wrinklytum · 09/12/2008 23:03

I think you need to discuss this with a professional counsellor,also.

You are right that children DO change your life irrevocably.

I never wanted children,and both pg were unplanned but I went ahead and now have 2,one with quite severe learning disability(Undiagnosed before birth).I have a partner who is chronically ill.This happened post the dcs.I love them with my heart and soul,I never believed it was possible to love another human being as much as I love my dc.The trouble is there are no guarantees in this life.

It is exceptionally hard at times,but also the most joyful experience at other times,and you are right to consider all the what ifs,but it sounds as if you need some advice to channel all the fears you have,so you can make a decision that suits you.

I hope you find some "space" to analyse what you really want.It is very scary when you first become pregnant,and you need to do what is right for YOU whatever decision you eventually choose.

Take care,Wrinkly x

Report
festivedollyx · 09/12/2008 23:07

You sound like you have posted before with exactly the same situation??? are you rainbowserpent??????? have you still not made a decision??

Report
Zebraa · 09/12/2008 23:09

I hope I didn't sound rude or uncaring, but anyone reading this can see you're feeling very emotionally unstable.

Speak to your GP in the morning. Get some sleep and rest. If you really need to speak to someone, you can call:-

CareConfidential Helpline - 0800 028 2228

... to discuss your unplanned pregnancy and your decision to have a termination.

Report
luxmundi · 09/12/2008 23:09

I'm just telling you my fears, none of the good parts i've thought of, i'm fishing for counter arguments. And i'm venting because i have no one to talk to, counsellors are useless, they just nod. I'm 26.

OP posts:
Report
luxmundi · 09/12/2008 23:11

lol, and i'm not unstable darlings, i'm just one of those people who says it all and doesn't hold back. Why bother? Get it all out there, see how justified it looks on the page.

OP posts:
Report
wrinklytum · 09/12/2008 23:15

What are the positives you have considered?

Report
NowICanSpellGeansaiNollaig · 09/12/2008 23:15

I know, this seems familiar. You sound so self-consciously articulate, like you're getting a buzz out of your own brilliantly written article post.

Maybe you're suffering from analysis paralysis. SOrry if that sounds trite. I think there are anti-depressants that you can take while you're pregnant. I think you can do anything you want to do, if you look outside a bit more and inwards a bit less. I hope this doesn't sound cruel, it really isn't meant to, but you sound in a particularly self-absorbed frame of mind. Channel this rapid fire stream of thoughts into anything you want to do or be after the baby is born. It's hard, but it's possible. After a baby is born, it's all the other stuff that seems like the extra stuff. You never think, well if I could get rid of the baby life would be perfect. YOu'll think, how can I make life better for baby and me?

fwiw, I'm a fairly mediocre mother! Not a bad one, definitely not a bad one, but I'm not an absolutely wonderful one either. That's not something I normally boast about! But the children seem happy and I wouldn't send them back!

There are things I've put off because I've had young children, but I have plans and they will get off the ground. Perhaps for the first time in my life. Never had the drive or the focus before.

Report
reluctant1stimer · 09/12/2008 23:15

I don't know if this will help, but reading your post has made me feel a lot better. I have never wanted kids ever but find myself 8 months pregnant with a lot of feelings similar to yourself. its refreshing to hear that I'm not the only one. fortunately for me my other half is thrilled about our baby, he can't wait. Personally (although i feel really guilty writing this) I wish I'd never got pregnant. I'm worried that I won't ever get maternal feelings, be a crap mother and basically I'm selfish and liked my life being about me! On the other hand, there are a few positives in your post that I think about too. Why would you worry about sending your child to a good school if you didn't care? Why would you worry about spoiling it's life by not being a good mother? You say you don't want your child to feel like you did. Well that's a really good starting point. At least you know what made you unhappy as a child and can make efforts to make your baby happier than you ever were. There are some good instincts in there. Like the others say, see your doctor asap or your midwife, (mine has been so understanding and supportive) and talk through your fears. You/we can get through this. Good luck and hugs whatever the outcome.

Report
NorthernLurkerwithastarontop · 09/12/2008 23:15

People - this is the posters first post but it reads a lot like this
and this by the same poster

op - there is a lot of relevant advice on those threads whether you're that poster or not. Either way - you need to professional help. A website is not going to sort your life out for you.

Report
sticksantaupyourchimney · 09/12/2008 23:18

I think you would benefit from some counselling, but I also wonder if you have considered adoption? Or if you continue your pregancy and find you can't cope for the moment, you can apply to have your baby fostered short or long term.

I am not saying these things because I am opposed to a woman's right to choose, merely throwing them into the mix as possiblities: when I was PG I did waver wildly between thinking 'I can't possibly have a baby' and 'I can't have an abortion' and it rather comforted me to remember and consider that adoption/fostering existed as options.
I continued my pregancy and have a much-loved 4-year-old now but every woman makes her own choice for her own situation - it's just that the choice isn't entirely binary.

Report
tiredlady · 09/12/2008 23:18

I will probably get flamed for this, but if you are that ambivalent about the thought of motherhood then you may well not be ready for that responsibility.Termination may be your best option.

There are worse things in this world then just not being born.Being born to a mother who does not want you is one of them.

Get some professional help and talk to your partner

Report
NowICanSpellGeansaiNollaig · 09/12/2008 23:23

ps, I think you ARE the same girl as before, with the controlling boyfriend who blames you for everything?

Listen, if somebody gave me a nine yr old chld tomorrow, I wouldn't know what to do or say to him/her!! But because your children grow older with you, you always feel that their age, whatever that is, is the normal age for a child to be!

Also, even though I'm a mother, I'm still nto a 'natural' with other people's children. But I know my own children. They're like people. People first, children second, and like any 'people' knowing them makes all the difference. Makes it a lot easier. If I babysit somebody else's children, I feel like I'm acting. Should I admit this?! But you just do it on auto pilot for your own children. Some times you feel irritated by them and some times you're knocked sideways by how cute they are.. but a lot of the time it is auto pilot for me. Hope that doesn't sound too weird to the other mothers. ??

I couldn't drive before I had children. ANd now I can. So that's one thing I've achieved since having children. I also feel it's helped me sort out the small stuff from the big stuff. I used to get upset about what I now realise was petty and unimportant.

Your post is so negative about children! You take every possible negative scenario and assume they will aLL happen to the worst possible degree, and it's not like that.

Report
festivedollyx · 09/12/2008 23:24

Northernlurker my thoughts exactly!!!!!!!!!! i think this is either the same troll or someone who is in need of serious help

"I'm planning on starting a phd in clinical psychology" sounds like last poster also, perhaps trying and failing to play a psychological game!!

Report
mrsboogie · 09/12/2008 23:24

See how justified it looks on the page? You're kidding right? You've posted this lame shit in one form or another now about four times on different that I have seen.

If the self absorbed mentally unhinged ramblings that you keep coming out with here are really the genuine contents of your mind then for god's sake please just get the abortion you are so clearly desperate for and use your PhD brain to prevent yourself getting pregnant again. Then do yourself a favour and get some therapy.

If they are not genuine and you are getting some kind of sick buzz out of this then you should really go away and stop taking advantage of all the kindly meant advice that you keep on receiving.

Report
festivedollyx · 09/12/2008 23:26

Student
previous termination
dislikes children
arsehle
hates the thought of child with disability

Too much!

Report
festivedollyx · 09/12/2008 23:26

should be arsehole bf!

Report
beanieb · 09/12/2008 23:28

Get an abortion, leave your loser partner, do your PHD or Masters or whatever. Maybe write a book. I agree with NowICanSpellGeansaiNollaig, you seem to revel in your wit and get a buzz from this.

Reading it I felt like you were trying your hardest to get people to go all pro-life on you.

Report
mrsboogie · 09/12/2008 23:30

you'd think she'd make a bit more of an effort to disguise the writing style obviously not THAT clever.

Report
MissyK · 09/12/2008 23:31

Other than the ages everything else seems to be the same, even down to stretchmarks like in teens etc. MA PHD, Mother other side of the country..

If you're not the same peoster & this is genuine you need to see your GP asap.

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.