My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.

Pregnancy

How do I know if the time is right to try to get pregnant?

15 replies

loopylou2 · 09/12/2008 10:27

Hi everyone

I don't have kids and really needed some advice from people who DO have kids. I'm 24 and my partner is 26. We've been together for just over 2 years, we're unmarried and we're trying to suss out the right time to start trying to get pregnant.

We've just moved into a rented 2 bedroom place. I've got a good job which I like and have been there for 6 months. My partner has been at his current job for a month and is planning to stay long term.

Recently- okay for the past 10 months or so- we've talked every single day about when to start a family. I've watched TV shows, looked online for info, drawn up a rough financial plan- you name it. I've paid close attention to pregnant female friends, watched people with little kids when I'm out and about. All that stuff.

Ive tried really hard to put myself off of this idea or make it less appealing but the best I've done is got bored of daydreaming! I know that the money is a major worry for me even though I'm on an okay wage. And I know as well that I could be earning £45k a year and it still wouldn't seem enough to have a baby on.

I've prepared myself for the idea that once we start ttc there might be problems which take years to sort out, or we might conceive instantly and have a baby with us by next October.

I just ran out of my prescription for the contraceptive pill last week and am considering just staying off of it to see what happens. But I'm still hesitating, still feeling scared by what might happen as well as hopeful.

My family all live 250 miles away and my partner has grandparents nearby but thats about it. We are a bit isolated and I've tried to think this through- does being pregnant lead you to opportunities to make friends with other pregnant women?

I guess what I need now is someone who will be honest- we've done all this mental planning for a child- how do know if the time is right?

What if I can't return to my job after maternity leave?

What if my family are unsupportive?

Argh!! So many questions!

Can somebody please help, share your experiences of pre-pregnancy and the first few months with me- how many of you out there planned your first child, how many did it just happen? How did you break the news to everyone? How did you cope with a whole new little life? etc etc

Hope to hear from you all soon, sorry it's a long post I just had to get all this out of my head.

Take care everybody thanks for your help

OP posts:
Report
mrsboogie · 09/12/2008 10:44

Gosh you have given this a lot of thought. I think the answer to your question is that for most people there is never a "right time" to get pregnant. You can always find a reason why it would be better to do it some other time. But that doesn't stop most people!

Money and jobs etc are important of course but the really important thing is your relationship with your OH. Is it strong? do you intend to be together forever (as much as anyone can ever say that) Do you have any unresolved conflicts (such as one of you who likes to party a lot/spend the whole weekend playing golf) that might be exacerbated by having a baby? If you are happy together then why not go for it?

I guess the main thing to be prepared for is that being pregnant can be hard, tiring and a bit of a hormonal rollercoaster, your OH may not relate to the pregnancy quite as intensely as you will as it isn't happening inside his body and it all seems a bit unreal to him - of course most blokes are very supportive - that is just a common issue.

Then, once the baby is born, the first 6 weeks are a bit of a living nightmare (to put it bluntly) exhausting for you while you and your baby figure each other out and he or she settles into being in the world. It gets easier as the weeks pass and by 12 weeks you will be finding it much easier and more enjoyable and will have a beautiful little one smiling up at you - perhaps with mummy's eyes and daddy's cheeky grin and you will be so proud of yourselves, madly excited by every new thing the baby does and will be able to think of nothing better in your whole life than sitting holding them while smelling the top of their head.

If this sounds like it's for you - then happy conceiving!!!

Report
Neeerly3 · 09/12/2008 11:00

everything mrsboogie said!

DH and I had been married for 6 months ish when I fell pregnant - much whooping and back slapping from everyone (I mean we were married, we were SUPPOSED to have babies)....at the 12 week scan we saw two ickle hearts beats - again much whooping and back slapping - how fabulous everyone thought (of course its fabulous before reality hits!)....

I gave birth at 28 weeks, that was shock number 1. 8 weeks of traipsing to and from hosp, plus nearly loosing one twin. Then they came home, shock 2. Having a newborn is a shock to even the most solid of relationships, having two, well it was touch and go for me and DH for a while.

They are now 4 years old and the absolute joy of our lives and I am also 29 weeks pregs with DC3! DC3 is planned - beginning of this year we decided we really weren't done having babies and we felt ready. The twins were a baptism of fire, survive that, survive anything - I'm ready for whats about to happen, I won't be expecting too much, I will KNOW that I'm not supposed to enjoy the early weeks and I won't feel a failure for crying several times a day.

Simple answer to you I guess is there is never a right time unless you have already got kids - so at least you are prepared for whats gonna happen. The 1st one (or two) is a real eye opener. A close friend of mine divorced her DH a year after her baby was born - she said to me, a baby can make a strong relationship stronger, but can completely break one that is cracking already.....basically don't romantasise it - it's not all cooing and smiling at baby and each other, it's a long hard slog. If you and DP are solid and both want the same thing, then start BABY DANCING!!!!

Report
June2009 · 09/12/2008 12:14

Couple of questions for yourself:

How strong is your relationship?
Is anything in particular stopping you?

Is your current partner on a trial period at work?

My dh and I were together 8 years b4 we got married, 2 years ago.
We started ttc in July and I got pregnant in September so it can be quick.
Same as you, we got a bit worried that it might not happen at all and we knew we wanted children.
Sometimes we wish that we had children already tbh. (I'm 32 and dh 34).
But we also wanted to build a stable business, travel a bit, and buy an old house and renovate it, all of which we thought might be easier without children.

One of my best friends had a baby with a rebound guy right after her husband of 10 years split with her, for her probably the worst time to be having a baby, but she doesn't regret it and she is happy, I think once the baby is here you just make it work.

Another one of my mates had a baby with her husband, then was dumped while pregnant, she is also happy.

I think there is only so much you can plan ahead.
As long as you feel that everything else could fall appart and you would still be happy... that is how we feel.

And I wish I had an answer for you but it's a very personal choice ;)

Report
ButIForgetMysElf · 09/12/2008 13:29

My story:

I only met my DP just over 2 years ago on December 2006. We're no spring chickens - I was 33, he was 42. We had both wanted children for ages but neither of us had met the right person so it just hadn't happened.

So, a year later (Christmas 2007), when we both knew that things were emotionally right and we were definitely the person the other wanted to have children with, we decided to faff about no longer and just go for it. Neither of us were getting any younger!

Unfortunately things were put on hold for a couple of months when I discovered a lump in my groin, and had to have surgery on Valentines Day to remove several cysts, which were thankfully benign, but had two months of painful recovery time while I healed where we physically couldn't try for baby.

We conceived the very weekend we started trying - and our baby is due three weeks today. I am now 35, DP is 44.

I'm on maternity leave now, and cannot go back to my job as it was a residential position Mon-Fri, 60 miles away from home and would be impossible to return when I am a Mum - so financially it's going to be struggle, I don't know where or when I'll be working again, or what I will do. However, other people manage, it's not like we're on the breadline. We'll make it work, and I've never been happier in my life.

We had a bit of stick when we told DP's parents - we're not married and have no intention of getting married, but they're deeply religious and that was the first thing that came into their heads when faced with the news that they were going to become grandparents for the first time, which was a bit sad - they're over the moon now though. Everybody else was just happy for us.

As for making friends with other pregnant women - that's something I've found quite tricky. My antenatal care was local to my job, but I transferred 3 weeks ago when I started my maternity leave - so all the foundations I'd made are all having to be rebuilt here at home. I went to an antenatal class yesterday and to be honest, found it quite hostile - nobody had any inclination to speak to each other, so I'm not holding out much hope of meeting potential friends there! But I'm sure all that'll change once the baby arrives.

Good luck in whichever choice you make!

Report
littleboyblue · 09/12/2008 13:36

There is never a right time, IMO, if you try to wait for this right time, you'll never start a family.....

Report
CookieMonster2 · 09/12/2008 17:33

Just a few points I would add:

  • You can always argue you can't afford children. No matter how much you earn, they will cost you a lot of money. However, if you plan carefully they don't have to cost anywhere near as a lot of people spend.


  • No matter how ready you are, when you first get pregnant you will think 'what have I done' as the realisation hits you .


  • Making friends with other people when pregnant I wouldn't say was easy. However, my experience of pregnancy is spending as much time as possible at home on my own in front of the TV. However, once you have a baby there are loads of groups to join and its an excellent way of making friends with people in the same situation as you.


  • We don't have family near by and it hasn't been a problem. Once you have had the baby and you make friends you will build up a good support network anyway.


I'd go for it. If you think about it too much you will always find a reason to wait.
Report
brettgirl2 · 09/12/2008 18:58

Personally I think there's no rush. I had been with my partner for 10 years before I got pregnant and they were the best years of my whole life (well up to now anyway). It is true that it might take ages but the chances are that it probably won't - I got pg the first month after coming off the pill as do many people if you read around the boards. I think everyone generally thinks it will take ages because they are the stories you tend to hear about.

I think there are advantages and disadvantages to both, but I certainly don't regret leaving conceiving until the age of 30 - I'd obviously have been in much more of a hurry if we'd been older when we got together!

Report
angel1976 · 09/12/2008 20:17

Hi loopylou,

Just to point out that many companies do not grant you maternity leave till you've been there at least 2 years. I would check with HR discreetly whether that is true for your company?

I don't think ANYTHING can prepare you for having a baby. And the first few weeks/months are pure hell (for me anyway!). But I now have a cheeky 9.5 month old baby who is so adorable that my DH and I cannot imagine our lives without him.

Good luck!

Ax

Report
ilovetochatupsanta · 09/12/2008 20:25

are there other things that you and your partner want to do such as a special holiday or maybe buy a house, i'd say do those things first as once a baby comes along it won't be so easy.
if you and your dp are planning on staying together forever then instead of thinking why wait, i'd think why rush. have time as a couple, have fun as a 2 before you become a 3 and save some cash.
i felt broody for years but we wiated till we had bougt and done up our house, saved money so i could be a sahm and had fun and holidays and i'm glad we waited a bit as now we can have family fun and family holidays and i don't feel i've missed out on anything.
i made more friends at baby groups but not while pregnant.

Report
llareggub · 09/12/2008 20:32

Actually the information below about maternity leave is incorrect. You are entitled to statutory maternity pay where you have been:

  • employed by the same employer continuously (some breaks do not interrupt continuous employment) for at least 26 weeks into the 15th week before the week your baby is due; and
  • earning an average of at least £90 a week (before tax)

    I ummed and ahhed about the right time to have a baby, and like others, there will never be a right time. Money is less of an issue as I thought it would be, as we spend less on things we saw as essential previously like dinner out a couple of times a week. We are also healthier and happier, I can highly recommend it.

    I would echo what others have said about ensuring that your relationship is strong before you start down the baby road. It can be very challenging, no matter how prepared you are!
Report
LynetteScavo · 09/12/2008 20:38

Blimey you have given this a lot of thought!

Do you plan to get married? If so I would do that first - I speak as someone who got married with a 4 month old baby, which in one way was lovely, but in another was a lot of hard work.

Have you done all teh travelling you want to do? Travelling with a baby, while possible is not as relaxing as travelling with just adults.

Do you want more than one child, and do you want your children close together or spaced out?

I wanted a baby more than anything in the world - then during my eldest child's first year of life I found myself thinking "I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy" and was totally bemused why anyone would have more than one child. (I now have 3 children, so I guess it must have got easier)

A friend of mine lived of only her husbands salery for a year before conceiving - to get used to only one income as she decided she wouldn't go back to work, adn they also had savings for baby stuff.

I think the time to decide to have a baby is when you are physically aching for one.

Report
vicky11 · 09/12/2008 20:49

There is never a right time....... We waited and waited loads od excuses mainly money. 10 years later now in our 30's we have 2 kids under 2 and boy how we wished we had done it sooner!!!! They really do bring us joy, laughter and tears!!! Now I think I'll prob be an old granny before my kids have kids!!!!! Do what you feel right !!! xxxxx

Report
angel1976 · 09/12/2008 21:17

Oops sorry about the wrong info about the maternity leave...

It's best to check with your company as every company does it differently! GL!

Report
heverhoney1 · 09/12/2008 21:39

My answer - You never know!!

Blind leap of faith in my case!!!

Report
emma2617 · 10/12/2008 09:05

loopylou I was exactly the same as you about 12 months ago!! Leading up to xmas me and DP started talking babies, we had been together just under 2 years I was 21 and he was 28! I did the same as you as I am a serious control freak...researched how long it migt take (as I had the implant) how much it would cost etc etc and then eventually in May 2008 we took the plunge and got my implant removed. We knew it could take up to a year for my cycles to return to normal and also DPs little swimmers have problems but low and behold I was pregnant within 3 weeks!

when I was about 6 weeks pregnant DP decided he didnt like his job so started job hunting, that worried me as he would begin a 6 month probation at his new place...fingers crossed all goes okay when he has his evaluation in January!! I had been in my job for 9 months when I fell pregnant so I was pretty secure, but our joint income is only £35k and we are in rented accommodation as well...and we decided to move when I was 3 months pregnant!

I know thats a little rambly, but that is how my life has been since we took the decision to start trying...god only knows what it will be like once bambino finally shows his face!

There really is never a perfect time to get pregnant and you will never truly think you can afford it either, but you find the money from somewhere!!

Happy conceiving!! (if you decide to go ahead!!!)

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.