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Pregnancy

bad egg drug addicted brother wants to be here for the birth of my first born ... please help ...

165 replies

eandz · 13/05/2008 10:31

i figured i'd ask you guys.

Heres the situation: there are 4 kids in my family, me (24), my brother (20) and my two twin sisters (16). my sisters and i have always been quite good at school/responsible children...we were all class presidents (my twin sisters are president and vice president) on the honor roll you name it, we've got the certificates our parents went to ivy league schools and we were told that ivy leagues were expected of us...so i went to an ivy league, my sisters are more interested in lse/oxbridge...but our grand parents went there so our parents cant really object. (I married a guy who went to ox and it wasn't a big deal) ... so schools for my sisters don't seem like they'll be a big deal either...this is just being said so you know what kind of parents i have.

my brother on the other hand is a complete loser. Being the only boy my parents felt like he needed extra help, even made us do his school work for him because they thought his laziness was due to being a boy and that he would catch up.(he never did)...when we (the girls) were fed up with doing his school work/chores/projects my parents started to bribe him to do his own work...he got a brand new sports car the week after he destroyed the car i spent two years working for (he managed to pull out the engine out from UNDERNEATH) while he stole it during a marijuana spree with his friends...i had been studying at the time).

my sisters and i had to pay for our own cars, i had to pay for my first university degree...in fact (me and the twins) were even encouraged to leave home to learn to be independent when we turn 18...to travel between breaks and explore...

my brother barely graduated high school, has been smoking pot and doing recreational drugs since he's been 12 and says it's because he's depressed...no one understands him...no one loves him. My parents have put him in rehab a total of 7 times in the past 4 years...which is the only reason he's been kept out of jail. He was caught selling 9 yr old children pot when was 12...and now that he's 20 he hasn't even started uni especially because there is no university in the states that will take him. He tried a junior college for a bit but was expelled for cheating and lack of attendance. (the days he went in were days for exams and...he cheated on those days).

My sisters are graduating high school early (1 yr earlier than average) so they can move to London from Texas and go to Uni in the uk because my brothers habits/friends and attitude scares them. (this is completely their own choice)...

My parents (my mother is a medical doctor herself who is actually practicing and my dad is an art history phd who is a stay at home dad ) seem to think that my brother has some sort of illness and his behavior is due to 'self medication'... Although my husband and I have no problem whatsoever taking in my little sisters (the three of us are inseparable anyway) I do have a problem with my parents defending my brothers actions even though I feel like they've contributed to them by letting him be this lazy/stupid.

The real problem however is that my parents want to come for my last month of pregnancy to oversee labor, delivery and they want to stay for a few weeks after that to help me settle into being a mommy. The catch is, that they would bring my brother (who because of his excessive drug use-- not only needs 24 hour supervision but also is violent when he doesn't get things he wants) and they want him to participate in this family process because they say 'it might straighten him out'...

when i told them that this would be overwhelming, unnecessary and intrusive they got defensive...when i told them the truth about how much i don't want my brother around myself, my child or my husband my dad flipped out.

my brother is an incredibly destructive and very manipulative...and my folks don't seem to want to take 'no' for an answer.

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geordieminx · 13/05/2008 10:36

WTF..... You're taking the piss surely...

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JosafineArmarni · 13/05/2008 10:37

for a visit with your broher then ok, fine..but to stay a few weeks with him before and after your baby is born, expecting YOU and your family to put up with his moods AND violence is pathetic, its your little family, not a circus, if he needs 24 hour care i would feel incredibly unsafe with him around and you dont need that for you or your children!

Your parents are trying to kill him with kindness and they have to show some respect to you and your sisters too so if this means they wont come cos he cant then they should respect that and understand your reasons!

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geordieminx · 13/05/2008 10:38

Evidentally not...

I think " my brother is a drug addict, and as he being supervised by my parents he will e at the birth of my child" would have done.... rather than all that school blah blah blah... infact I have no idea what an ivy school is....

Sorry

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MissusH · 13/05/2008 10:38

Hi eandz,

Labour and birth is about you and your baby, (closely followed by DH ) and you are perfectly entitled to tell your parents NO!!

I know they are 1st time grandparents and want to be involved but walking on eggshells for the last few weeks of your pregnancy is not going to help you when labour finally happens - too much stress!!

I think you need to be strong and stick to your guns - too right it will be overwhelming and intrusive.

How is DH supporting you through this?

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geordieminx · 13/05/2008 10:39

Sorry for being rude.

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doggiesayswoof · 13/05/2008 10:43

"The real problem however is that my parents want to come for my last month of pregnancy to oversee labor, delivery and they want to stay for a few weeks after that to help me settle into being a mommy."

This is the weirdest bit about your post tbh. Why do your parents need to be there for the last month of your pregnancy? you are an adult.

Your parents sound very controlling.

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JessJess3908 · 13/05/2008 10:43

If you want to be as smart as you say you are - then stop being such a little girl and stand up for yourself.

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eandz · 13/05/2008 10:44

my husband is one of those people who doesn't like confrontations.

he doesn't want them here either...but we also don't want my husbands family to get involved with telling them not to come. it might be a little mean.

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doggiesayswoof · 13/05/2008 10:45

I should have said - it's entirely up to you who is around at this very important time for you. If you don't want your brother there, he should not be there.

Your title says that your brother "wants" to be with you. Does he really? Or is this just what your parents want?

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eandz · 13/05/2008 10:46

my mom doesn't like the uk medical system. and at first was really angry that i wasn't having the baby at her hospital. she thinks if she comes for the last month it would be useful to me.

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beaniesteve · 13/05/2008 10:46

Ignoring teh fact that your brother probably fel inadequate and looked down upon....

this "who because of his excessive drug use-- not only needs 24 hour supervision but also is violent when he doesn't get things he wants" would make me say no.

So say no.

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doggiesayswoof · 13/05/2008 10:47

I'm confused.

Why should your husband's family have to get involved? Surely you and your dh between you could sort this out?

With the sort of family stuff you have going on, your dh had better get used to dealing with a bit of confrontation if he wants to support you imo

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moyasmum · 13/05/2008 10:47

Your parents have been supporting you to be indipendant and to do the right thing all your life. They have done this by making you live your own life - something they seem to have forgotten now.

You are starting your own family, you and partner make the rules.

Brother is a liability, he has no place in your family until he earns a place, certainly not as therapy, what are your deluded parents thinking?

I suggest that your parents do not even visit when they say they want to . Its clear where their priorities lie and you can do without the pressure. You have your helpful siblings lean on them a bit . Do not let anyone else lean on you!

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eandz · 13/05/2008 10:47

Oh, I haven't spoken to my brother directly since I got married. He seems to want to come because it's legal for him drink here without being 21.

I've stood up to my parents, it's just my dad really got angry. So I'm actually looking for a way to resolve the issue and still be on good terms with my parents.

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doggiesayswoof · 13/05/2008 10:48

Are YOU happy with the uk medical system and how you will be looked after?

surely that is more important than what your mum thinks

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eandz · 13/05/2008 10:50

I'm just afraid that my parents might call up my husbands folks and get them to try to 'reason' with me...so i'll let them come. In the end, I know they'll still get on the plane and get to my house somehow, they are incredibly determined people...even if my husband and i say no repeatedly.

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Saturn74 · 13/05/2008 10:52

WRT to your parents wanting to "oversee" labour, delivery and the first few weeks - did you ask them to do that?

If not, I think they are being extremely presumptuous.

The blurb about your brother and your schooling is irrelevant to the situation.

Either you want your parents and your brother to come and stay, or you don't.

And if you don't, you need to say "thanks, but no thanks" to your parents, and tell them they are welcome to visit once your baby is born.

Your husband doesn't need to get involved either really. They are your family. You need to put the needs of your child, your husband and yourself first.

If your parents are upset about this, that is a clear signal that you have made the right decision. You need support and kindness at this time - not emotional blackmail.

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Enid · 13/05/2008 10:54

your parents sound very controlling

no wonder your brother ended up on drugs

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eandz · 13/05/2008 10:54

I'm not that impressed with the care I have personally received on the NHS (I was told I had miscarried and then a week later found out I hadn't). But I'm fine with the private care I'm getting and I'm fine with having my baby here. It's important since I'd like my husband to be apart of the delivery.

My parents were trying to get me to give birth in the states for the last 4 months...our family is quite close with the exception of my brother.

and Beanie- you are probably right that he has feelings of being inadequate but I feel like he's contributed to them himself since my sisters and I have always been willing to help him, find him help...

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beansprout · 13/05/2008 10:55

Bottom line is that the only person that can sort your brother out is him. This is not going to make him better and will create problems for you. I assume your parents are coming over from the states hence them wanting to bring him?

You are an adult, you can say "no".

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Nancy66 · 13/05/2008 10:55

There really is no issue here. You tell your family that their plan is not convenient for you and they cannot stay.
If they turn up anyway then don't let them in. They'll get the message.

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fragola · 13/05/2008 10:55

It might help to write to your parents telling them how you feel, then you'll get a chance to put your points across before your dad can get angry again.

You don't have to criticise your brother if you think that would make the situation worse. You can just explain that you appreciate them wanting to help you, but you need feel calm at this time and having a house full of people would probably stress you out.

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Lauriefairycake · 13/05/2008 10:56

"So I'm actually looking for a way to resolve the issue and still be on good terms with my parents."

No, you're looking for a way to please them so they won't be angry with you. If you want to please them at all costs like the good girl you have tried so very hard to be then you can have your brother and all his attendant crap here.

If you want to be an adult and be respected for your own decisions then you're going to need to strap on a pair and stop people pleasing. This is your new family, your new life and your husband doesn't want them here, his feelings should also be taken into account.

And your parents should cut your brother loose, the problem has stemmed from you all trying to rescue him by doing his homework He needs to want to get straight for himself and he won't with everyone nannying him. (I'm a drug and alcohol counsellor)

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DeeRiguer · 13/05/2008 10:56

your independence should tell you that it is your and your dh's call, he and your baby to be are your most important considerations atm
not fucked up parents and druggy bro

your parents sound uber interfering esp after foistering independence upon on you gals

geordie i agree the ivy league schooling background was way too much information imho

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Enid · 13/05/2008 10:58

lauriefairycake is spot on

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