anxious dad-to-be - any advice?

[elportodelgato]

My DH has been absolutely wonderful throughout my pregnancy (it's our first and he has been so supportive, helpful, involved and loving) but now d-day is approaching (I am 37+4) I think he's starting to panic about things eg: a) being the sole provider b) never sleeping again c) all my affection for him being diverted onto the LO d) something going wrong at the birth e) our relationship changing beyond recognition... the usual general worries about how drastically our lives are going to change.

Can anyone give me some advice about how to make him feel a bit better about all of this? I am pretty bloody anxious myself plus tired, hormonal etc but I want to make him feel looked after and let him know that it will all be OK. Any advice from dads would be very welcome!

[scottishmummy]

the most profound thing is that two Become Three your wee unit expands for baby and it is Brilliant!

dont set high expectations (we were too unrealistic)

Dont worry

slob out, its okay to wear PJ at 3pm

Online groceries - so much less hassle

take away food - mmm treat yourself

trust your own instincts (everyone sticks the tuppenth in) do what you feel is right

i really have discovevred a new depth of love for boyfriend, not only is he a great man he is a daddy

all the traits you love in your dh (funny, kind, etc) will make him a good daddy and you a good mummy

[Cathpot]

I am a mum, but I know that my DH would say the same if I could drag him screaming onto MN. In many ways it may be better that he has a realistic grasp of what may be coming and be better prepared! With our first child we had problems with all of the issues you mention apart from an easy birth and it was hard but it is short term, really even when it feels like it will never end. Our second child is now over one and although my DH has had the odd wobble this time round, it was a hugely less stressful experience as he knew the early intensive baby stage does end. We now have time for each other in the evening, we are not exhausted, I am back in reasonable underwear etc etc. What helped was him having a friend with children a little older who could say this is the hardest bit, dont worry. Sometimes I felt that I ahd to do everything, cope with the baby and reassure my DH that he was still loved and I was so tired, I resented having to boost him. I think it is good that you can talk about it now, that you can warn him that you might not be able to show it but having a baby does not somehow reduce your love for him, that you can include that baby without losing anything.

[elportodelgato]

LOL at "reasonable underwear" Cathpot, I think both of us are beginning to wonder if I will ever get out of giant granny knickers and regain my sex drive!

DH does have a few friends who are dads already so maybe I should encourage him to talk to them about the horrors and joys of the early days, as well as giving him lots of reassurance at home. I can sometimes feel myself getting resentful that he needs to be supported - after all it is ME who is doing the hard work here! - but I need to remember that in lots of ways it is going to be a bigger shock for him than for me. I've already had all my freedoms curtailed and my body taken over. Meanwhile he has just been idling along for 9 months with life going on more or less as normal other than his DW getting fatter each week. The arrival of LO is certainly going to be a shock and I'll have to be careful that we both take it easy

[DaddyJ]

It's perfectly normal to worry about all the things you listed.
Who likes uncertainty and the feeling of not being in control?!

As for a) - babies are actually not that expensive, I was surprised how well we coped on 1 salary plus fairly low maternity pay
b/c - the first 6-12 months can be difficult but you two should believe in your team:
you will come through it, and the experience will actually make you stronger!
d - relax, go to the NCT classes (knowledge and preparation are good against nerves) and just be positive
e - course it will change, you are going to be an even better team with new exciting members!

And if all fails: tell him to come to Mumsnet and share his worries here!
It's a scary place full of gobby mums but we'll look after him

[theyoungvisiter]

I'm not sure that there is much you can do to stop him worrying - his worries are normal and it's probably better that he's letting them out rather than just bottlign them up while shouting I'M FINE, I'M FINE to the world.

As long as you are talking about your feelings (both of your feelings) you will be fine. Just keep telling him that you love him and keep talking.

After the birth I think it can be really hard to think about anything apart from your new baby, but it's worth making sure your Dh is involved as much as possible, even if he seems a bit shy at first. I have been quite shocked at how some of my (very good!) friends have pushed their DH's out of childcare. I don't think it's intentional - it's just that they are so involved and happy to be mothers and somehow the dad gets excluded little by little.

But I agree with scottishmummy - I love my DH more than ever now he is the father of my baby. I have so much new respect for his strength and stamina and cheerfulness. Having a baby has doubled my love for him because now I love him as my partner and as the father of my child, it definitely hasn't taken anything away. (well, actually Dh would probably point out that we used to have a bit more sex. But I will just kick him back into silence )

[cosima]

mummies are the experts, they have to teach the daddies what to do so he mustn't take offence when you get ratty and tell him off for doing things wrong, but you try and be patient with him and let him learn

[colacubes]

My dp was terrified whilst I was pregnant, scared to death, but it just fits, like they were always there, he will love it.

[theyoungvisiter]

"mummies are the experts, they have to teach the daddies what to do"
?

I think DH and I went on a learning journey together - NEITHER of us knew what we were doing! Comments from me like "I'm the expert" would certainly have pissed him right off!

Who says mummies are the experts? In the early days DH could often quiet DS when I failed - and while this didn't make me feel like a million dollars, it made him feel like the best dad in the world and my heart swelled with pride at how loving he was.

Of course now I spend more time with DS than he does and I do know things that he doesn't, but that doesn't make me the "expert", it just makes me the lucky person who works 3 days a week when he works full time.

[beforesunrise]

i think it would be weird if he wasn't having these worries tbh- and i am amazed he is sharing them with you, whcih is a really good sign so a good place to start i think!

men don't like the feeling of not being in control, and things WILL be hard for a while, and they will def be different- you will all get there in time!

i know that dh and i found the first year quite hard- looking back we should have talked more and i should have given him more space to talk about his fears and stress (but i was so stressed myself...)

i did tell him recently that i was so proud of him and how he helped me remain calm and strong throughout, that to me he evolved from "just" a partner to the cornerstone of our family and i found that wonderful- he was really touched and said it would have really helped him if i had told him at the time. so there you go- don't forget to tell him how you feel too!

AAANNNNDDD if things really get too much- there's plenty of counselling out there. this time round (am due in 1 week!) we have promised to each other we'll look for help before it all gets too much.

i think we are a much better couple now for having gone through some hard patches- i know i love my dh in a much deeper and complex way.

[cosima]

okay, okay, all you jump down the throaters! what I mean is this; mums get lots of help, advice,tips, support from HV , midwives, chatting to other mums, mumsnet etc NOT TO MENTION, maternal instincts so they learn very fast about their new baby, and sometimes I think to dads it can look a bit like 'How come they know when they are a first time mum too?' I should know this cos my wife does.
But there is no shame in not knowing what to do and should not feel like failures if they have to ask for help, and YES, of course sometimes dad has a better idea than mum.
When my ds was born and i was in the hospital the nurse showed me how to change a nappy, then when my dh came I felt like the expert and taught him how to do it.
BTW, it makes me feel terrible when other mumsnetters 'highlight' your comment and criticise it. I mean the beauty of a chat room is that you get many opinions, and you could just offer your own without having to name and shame somebody elses

[cestlavie]

Well, I hate to say it, but he's pretty spot on about his worries and I was exactly the same before DD was born.

Let's be honest about this, the simple truth is that having a new baby is hard work, both physically and emotionally. And (contrary to cosima) both the mum and dad absolutely should be doing it together, so, yes, if your DH is the decent guy you make him sound like, then he will right in the middle of that sleep deprived screamathon with you. You also have to work harder on your relationship as a couple than probably at any other time beforehand.

I'm yet to meet another guy who says "Boy, were those first few months fun or what?" I have, however, met plenty of guys who say things like "They do sleep through at some point though, right?" or "Sex does happen again, doesn't it?" or even "Turns out they show Argentinian football on Channel 5 at 3.00am".

But three key things. Firstly, as CapricaSix says, if you go into it with your eyes open you'll probably be pleasantly surprised that it's not quite that bad as you fear beforehand. I remember before DD was born thinking "I can't wait til DD is born, but it's a shame that I'll never go out/ sleep/ see friends again and my life is now over". It's amazing how quickly your life adapts to fit the new arrival, for example, watching the football with the baby sleeping on your chest instead of a Stella or seeing friends for dinner at theirs, rather than a restaurant. So yes, it is hard, but not as scarily hard as it probably feels right now. Secondly, you have this utterly wonderful and amazing new person in your life which you and he will love like you've never loved anything before, and just as you're about to have them air-freighted to Brazil in the middle of a three hour screamathon, you'll look at them, and just want to fall to pieces with love for them. Everything else suddenly seems trivial in comparison. Thirdly, you are a family. Beforehand really you're just a couple. You might be married, living together etc. but basically you're just a boy and girl going out together. But when you have a child together, you really are a family and you become a parent and you all look at each other, and love each other, in a whole new way.

Hope this helps - if he's really hassled though, just ask him to come onto here and ask the guys on here outright!

[scottishmummy]

mummies are not expert, we make mistakes, cry, stamp, get scared.in fact this "expert" "mum" you shoud know kind of adds to stress.I nee to be a great mummy stress - NOPE you just are mummy thats all

those bloody baby experts need a good skelped arse too. what you eventually figure out is, baby does NOT know that you dont know LOL so wing it

when we brought lo home - we were terrified hadnt a fecking clue, muddled through on sleep deprivation and diet coke.but hey we got there (everyone does)

this is not a gender issue it is a parenting issue. mp dp has the knack of ssssshhhing lo into submission. i never did

Finances - buy cheap baby grows woolies etc they grow so quickly

a fianancial re-adjustment is required yes. methodologically work things out.

dont go daft on must have items (cos most of the time you dont need 'em)

make some you adult coupe time for DVD, chat, glass of wine

take any offers of help that are going

[theyoungvisiter]

cosima I'm sorry if my picking up your comment made you feel bad, but I felt it was unhelpful and that novicemamma deserved to know that while that was your view (and you're entitled to it of course!) there were other mothers out there who didn't/don't feel that way.

I don't criticise every comment I disagree with but the reason I picked yours is because I felt it risked making novicemamma feel bad for not feeling like the "expert" when her baby is born. Hopefully she will take to it like a duck to water, but God knows I felt pretty clueless when DS was first born and felt that this tiny bundle was expecting me to know exactly what to do and how to change him etc. Pressure from other people to be an "expert" certainly wouldn't have helped.

Secondly I think it doesn't help novicemamma's situation particularly - she is looking for tips on how to get her DH through a rough time, not how to make him feel like an idiot who doesn't know about his own child and has to be taught things.

Obviously you have a right to say whatever you like - but I have a right to disagree.

Finally I wasn't trying to "jump down your throat" - just to offer an alternative viewpoint. If I was rude or offensive I apologise (although I don't think I was) but surely mumsnet is about getting as wide a perspective as possible on parenthood? We are all different, my experience clearly doesn't reflect yours but there's no crime in stating that.

[cosima]

maybe i am being over sensitive cos i am feeling misunderstood - what i mean is that no one indeed knows what they are doing, the mum is the expert because she is doing whatever she thinks, has to get on with it without really knowing, and this is what I think unnerves the dads, because they think how come she knows what to do and i don't? Mums do what feels right, (and absorbs loads of info from other people around them all the time) and just wanted to say that its okay for dads not to know, and admit that to their wives. We are experts, cos whatever we feel is right has to do.I meant just trust yourself, it was meant as a confidence booster, I should have put experts in inverted commas.

[madmouse]

For me it was important funnily enough to let dh know time and time again that I am just as much a novice as he is, that women are not born knowing how to mother and that we would just have to mess it all up together. In trying to build up his confidence I have sometimes inwardly sworn at my baby for settling the moment I picked him up while he had been screaming at dh .