Advice on parents staying over when baby is born - LONG

[Orissiah]

Hello all,

I need some advice, especially from women who have given birth before. My parents are elderly and struggle to get around much. I live in London and they live in Norfolk - so a fair bit away. I would dearly love them to come down to London immediately when my daughter is born and enjoy her first few days. This they can do via train - no problem.

But their lack of mobility means I am reluctant to book them into a hotel and rely on taxis to get to and from my home. This leaves the option of having them stay for a week or more in my house. They do not know anyone else they can stay with. This seems fine to me but I am nervous because I may get stressed out with them being around 24/7 while I may want to spend long periods alone bonding with my baby and husband - just the three of us.

My in laws also live far away but they are healthy and mobile enough to make their own living arrangements so they can pop in and out but leave us when we need to be left.

If I asked my parents to come down a week or so after the baby is born then I may hurt them and also it will hurt me. Once they are here, I wouldn't have to do anything for them because inside the house my mother especially is happy cooking and organising things (my father, though has early, very mild dementia).

Am I stressing out for nothing? What is the likelihood of me wanting to keep visitors at the minimum as I bond with my baby? Will it all get too much having my parents living with us 24/7 in the first 2 weeks?

Sorry for long post.

O
30+2 weeks.

[fluffyanimal]

Personally, I think it's nice for a girl to have her mum around when she's just had her first baby. I think your in-laws should understand that. If your mum is the type to want to get on and do the cooking / washing up / laundry, then you'll probably be really glad of her help. Do you think she'd be happy to do that and just stay in the background so that you and your dh can get on with the bonding process?

On the other hand, how much caring for does your dad need? If he needs a lot of care, it might be too much of a strain on you.

Whatever you decide, be prepared that you will be pretty emotionally sensitive at this time, so don't be surprised if you get snappy and irritable. Just make it clear to your parents (who should hopefully understand anyway) that it's just the particularly new situation getting to you!

Congrats on your pg and good luck for imminent birth btw.

[WriggleJiggle]

It depends how well you get on with your parents really. Do bear in mind though that you may stay in hospital for a few days after the birth, so if they come down immediately there may be some hanging around the house on their own because you are not there, and there would be the added problem of arranging transport to and from hospital if they wanted to come in and see you.

I would personally do first week no visitors, second week everyone is invited.

[choccypig]

Could they stay at same place as in-laws ?

[Notyummy]

My mum and dad came and stayed for 5 days when dd was 2 weeks old. Its really about how comfortable you are with them. I would put them off coming immediately, as you may want to sob irrationally in private for a few days when you have the baby blues! In addition, depending on how the feeding is going, it may be nice to have your privacy in the very early days whilst you are trying to latch baby on etc. If you want to sit naked on a plastic bag on the sofa whilst you fanjo airs, with boobs a-swinging, then you should be able to...what a great image eh? If they are going to look after themselves when they get there, and you are relaxed around them, then it would be nice to have them there...but think about the timing of their arrival.

[champagnesupernova]

Hi there
Congrats on your pg I am vaguely in this situation - MIL thinks she's coming to stay in the first two weeks. She will not be but I have to deal with it a lot sooner as I'm 40+2!!

I would do everything you can in advance to make it easy for them to stay out of your way if needs be. Put the TV (and DVD player?) in their room, and maybe get a travel kettle so they can have tea and coffee in there if they need it.

Draw a map of your local area with all the key walkable points of interest on that your mum could take your dad to e.g. park, shop for milk/bread, local cafe where they could where they could go out for lunch somewhere if you and DH and the baby need some time alone. Or indeed if you want them to take the baby out so you can get some rest.

I reckon your ILs will understand - can you ask DH to explain?

Best of luck with it all and try not to stress.

[MrsTittleMouse]

I would personally try to arrange it so that there is no-one else there when you come home from hospital. Just because you will have been in a very public place up until then, and it is nice to get home and have some peace and quiet and to think only of yourself.
It does depend very much on the relationship that you have with your parents though...

[PutThatInYourPipeandSmokeIt]

I would think that the prefect solution would be to invite them down and explain that as it stands at the mo, this is what you want but that you have heard that people can go a bit doo lally after the birth and turn into irrational psychopaths and if that happens, you may ask them to go home again but not to take it personally as it will only be your hormones .

I had my MIL here the day after DD was born for 9 days. She stayed at a B&B up the road BUT was here from 9am to 11pm so may as well have stayed here. She was no help at all and DH was run ragged looking after all of us. I didn't want her here as I felt i had to be polite etc but had no choice in the matter. Couldn't send her home anyway as she'd come from the states.

[PutThatInYourPipeandSmokeIt]

I agree - my one thing was wanting to come home to an empty house.

[cockles]

I would arrange for parents to come for the day only if at all possible to see the baby asap after born, maybe when you are still in hospital, then to stay for no more than 2-3 days after you are at home. Avoiding day 4-5 after birth if at all possible (that's when you have meltdowns!) But I agree, the time you first get home it can be lovely to be just you.

[PutThatInYourPipeandSmokeIt]

Why do they have to stay as long as a week or more?

[Orissiah]

Thank you for the speedy responses (I love MN). I had thought about asking my parents to come down several days after the birth to give me some time to adjust to being a mum and bf-ing in private and having emotional tantrums if I needed But because my MIL and SIL would be free to pop over for an hour here and there right from Day 1, I felt bad that my parents would not be able to see the baby immediately also. I'm not sure my husband would be happy if I put a 1 week embargo on all visitors - especially as my SIL lives round the corner and my MIL will stay with her.

[foxythesnowman]

Its a tricky one. Could you check out some local B&Bs? Perhaps if you find one you like you would feel more comfortable to have them staying there.

You will have your up and down times after the birth, while you suss out what the heck it is you are meant to do, whilst trying to remember what you need to do and feeling like you've been hit by a truck! This is the one time you can (and should) put your needs above everyone elses.

Good luck, hope it all goes well for you

[PutThatInYourPipeandSmokeIt]

That's exactly the situation we had. DH felt that because my parents were only an hour away, they could have immediate access whereas his mum couldn't. Hence her planned arrival. I was perfectly happy to tell my family that they could come for a half hour visit maybe 2-3 days after the birth and then not again until we all felt like participating in normal life again. DH was the one that was thinking it wasn't fair, not MIL but her visit happened anyway.

Interestingly for No. 2 (due in July), MIL was muttering about coming to stay again within 2 weeks of the birth and DH told he in no uncertain terms 'I am not making that mistake again'....'you are not coming'. She said she would be happy to help with cooking etc, at which my mouth blurted out 'but I asked you if you wouldn't mind cooking one evening meal last time and you didn't did you?'. .

[PutThatInYourPipeandSmokeIt]

For what it's worth - I think it is MUCH easier to have your own parents (if you get on with them) than your ILs.....there is something about feeling you have to be polite / entertain / provide meals at meal times etc. Our culture has trained us for behaving a certain way towards the older generation and more so when they are not related to us.....very hard to get away from that. Even more tricky when you're feeling post-birth like. I tried to tell DH it would be like my mum staying for a week to 'look after him' when he's just had his prostate removed....

Ask your DH - could he face your parents staying with you? Although he's not the one who will give birth, it's in his space too and he may desperately want it to be just you guys...

[fluffyanimal]

My mum stayed from just before the birth for a week after the birth. I was so glad she was there, and I felt so terrified at being left alone when she left - well I wasn't alone, I was with DH, but my mum had had 3 children and DH was as inexperienced as me! I guess it all depends on your relationship with your parents really. My mum and I are very close.

[Notyummy]

cockles...agree at day 4/5 being the meltdown period.

I remember lying in the bath (having been sent there to relax by dh) with a flannel over my face to stifle the sobs.

'Whats wrong?'
'I don't know?...waaaaahhhh! Stop being nice to me, it makes it worse.'

Combination of hormones and lack of sleep (even when dd was asleep, I woke at every snuffle). I was VERY glad it was just the three of us. We laugh now at the memory of me wailing at Big Cat Diary because I thought the baby cheetah was about to get munched by the lions. I am usually a rational (if not slightly stoney faced!) individual.

[milkmoustache]

Also depends how big your house is - would you have to share a bathroom? Would there be another room they could use as a living room if you are wrestling with BF and need privacy? Would your DH be happy to shoo them away nicely but firmly when necessary?

To be honest, you can't underestimate the effect of the massive wave of hormones after you get home - like others, I desperately wanted to see just the 3 of us as I was over the moon but desperately vulnerable too! I don't think that just post-birth is the time to be worrying about how your father is coping given his condition. You ARE allowed to put you and your new born first and call the shots!

[Orissiah]

To be honest, I would be happy with just my mum with me but my dad is the worrying one. He won't be able to help it but he may just get in the way and because he has mild dementia he can't be left alone.

[TheBlonde]

I would recommend a quick visit (no overnight stay if possible) when the baby arrives
Then wait until 2-3 weeks before possibly having visitors

[onepieceoflollipop]

I don't want to be negative, but I wonder if your dad, when out of his usual surroundings and with all the excitement (which can be stressful iykwim) of a new baby may become a little more confused. My Grandad sadly had dementia and I work in mental health so I do know a little bit about it.

It is very common for someone with dementia to seemingly cope a lot better in familiar surroundings (i.e. his own home, where presumably it is your mum and him and relatively quiet)

I am not trying to be negative, just looking at all the considerations.

[Orissiah]

OnePieceOfLollipop - thanks for insights. Yes, you are right - he will feel a little disoriented but he knows this baby is on the way and he will want to see the baby asap. My mum's mind is more agile and she will want to be here immediately too (and I would love her to be here, it's my father I'm really worrying about I guess).

[claraquitetirednow]

Haven't read all your replies but personally I can think of nothing worse than having ANYONE to stay immediately after the baby is born - it is enough to have to worry about looking after the baby and yourself, let alone any visitors.

I would invite your parents for the day soon after the birth (perhaps while you are still in hospital if you stay the night) and then ask them to come down for a few days after your dh returns to work - this is when you will need the help most.

[PrimulaVeris]

Hello Orissiah. It's a long time since I had my babies but reading your post made it all flood back.

My dh's parents (100 miles away) came down shortly after each birth, made own arrangements, did loads of practical stuff to help and went after 2 days. Brill.

My parents (100 miles away, opp direction) were a bit more like yours and with some mild health issues. For dd (their first grandchild), they INSISTED on coming down for 2 weeks, for ds for 1 week. Without asking. As dd was a caesarean their presence was useful, but for ds we just had to ask nicely to leave after 4 days. They just sat around, gazed admiringly and cooed but did nothing practical unless asked. After both births hormones all over place, and to cap it all dh ended up going to work because they were there - so no early bonding as a family unit, and strained relationships all round.

Even a week is too long. Suggest maybe 3 days in second week, then ask them down again for short period 2-3 weeks later or visit them so they know when they are getting their next 'fix'.

[onepieceoflollipop]

Yes I agree with Primula re "booking" their next fix with them, Works with my mum. She gets anxious if the date isn't on her calendar.

[beforesunrise]

sorry, not read other threads as in a hurry. i would say it all depends on your relationship with them (esp your mum) and how self sufficient they are.

if your mum is anything like mine- then totally go for it. she came over and cooked and cleaned and did endless loads of laundry and kept going to boots to get me bits and pieces and tidied up and kept me company through all those horrid baby blues times and milk coming in and omg baby just sprayed poo all over the wall moments. i was seriously knackered from giving birth and i couldn't have made it without her (dh had to go back to work after a week, and even then, he was prob even more clueless than me!). the key is- she was not a visitor, she was my mum and she came to take care of me, not to gaze at the baby (in fact she barely held her for the first 2 weeks). our relationship was enormously strengthened after her stay.

but if your parents need taking care of... then NO NO NO NO> sorry it sounds harsh, but you will be tired, emotional, sleep deprived and very very busy. the last thing you need is having to make cups of tea and cook for 2 extra people (you'll be doing well if you manage to feed yourself).

only you know what it will be like though...