expecting number three - so am I mad?

[clary]

This may seem a bit silly but I just thought I'd see if there was some online support from the lovely mumsnet pals. I'm pg with baby no 3 - it's planned and we're delighted. I shall have three pre-schoolers, but being in my late 30s didn't really want to hang on too long. The weird thing has been the reaction from people. Close friends have been really sweet but a lot of colleagues/more distant friends have said either a) is it a mistake? b) you're very brave! or c) are you mad? Certainly didn't think I was mad. I just love and adore my little DS and DD so much, and I really wanted three. Maybe these people don't actually like their kids that much, or resent them for taking their lives away (as they see it?) - in which case why even have two? Actually I feel my kids have given me my life and made it so much more meaningful. I would never condemn or question anyone who had eg five children or maybe just wanted one - fair enough, it's your decision - so why are people saying this to me? AM i mad?? please all you mums of 3 or more, come to my aid!!

[PamT]

I knew, whilst still pregnant with no 2, that I wanted another child after him. We got a lot of similar comments but it was very much our decision. It is difficult with three children - a lot of people say that it is no harder than 2, but I find it difficult (maybe I just wasn't really cut out for it and would have struggled with 2 anyway) but they are also very rewarding. The world isn't set up for larger families, you find that family tickets are for 2 adults and 2 children, holidays are for a family of 4 and not all cars have 5 full seatbelts, so there are most definitely obstacles in your way. I also know many people with more than 3 children so it is by no means a large family - and if you enjoy it - why not!

[GRMUM]

I had the same reactions Clary when I was pregnant- as I already had a boy and a girl nobody could understand why we wanted to have another!!!most people assumed it was a mistake and when I said that I had had a coil removed in order to become pregnant I could see from their reaction that they didn't believe me.What the hell!It was a wonderful decision-number 3 upset and rearranged all the family dynamics(very cosy before- boy for Dad and girl for Mum)My husband has recently suggested several times that we have another(!) but I feel I'm too old now(46) and too far away from baby things(youngest is now 8)
So anyway my answer is you're neither mad nor making a mistake.Enjoy!!!

[WideWebWitch]

I'm not a mum of 3 or more but these people should keep their opinions to themselves! Honestly! congratulations!

[grommit]

Why don't people just mind their own business! When I was pregnant with no. 1 some coleagues, som of whom I do not know very well, asked if it was planned - what a personal question.
Clary - no you are not mad!!!!

[WideWebWitch]

Hey, I can top that. When I was pregnant one of my staff asked me if I knew who the father was!!!!! I did as it happened

[Bumblelion]

I also found when I was expecting No. 3, everyone kept asking why I was having another one as I already had one of each. Well, I was having another one because I wanted to and at the end of the day it was our decision and DD2 is one of the best things that has ever happened to me (DD1 and DS1 being the other two best things!). Enjoy!

[threeangels]

Same thing happen to me Bumblelion. I had a boy then girl and then boy3 came along.

[soyabean]

Same here: boy1 (10) girl (7) and boy3 (3) People did think it must have been a mistake but he wasnt! I felt that 2 'should' be enough and they would have been of course, but it somehow felt too neat and tidy, so we decided to have a third. Certainly no 3 has altered the family dynamics, partly because he can be quite a terror, but the other two are briliant with him and it just feels right. No more though, definitely! The age gap can be hard to manage, one abt to go to secondary school, and one just starting nursery. And I've just turned 40... I did feel that the pregnancy was harder with no 3, no complications, but just more tired (not surprising I guess)
I am new to Mumsnet, but its a good discovery and I'll be back!

[bells2]

WWW - when I announced I was pregant, one of my (senior) colleagues piped up with "I can't imagine you having sex). As you can imagine, I didn't quite know how to take it!

[mears]

If you think the reaction you have had so far is bad wait till it is number 4! You would have thought I had committed a major crime. Congratulations Clary and just ignore all those ignorant folk

[SueDonim]

I don't recall anyone saying anything like that to me when I was expecting no3 & 4. (two ds's followed by 2 dd's) Everyone seemed really pleased - maybe because it wasn't them?? Or maybe they talked about me behind my back, especially with a 21yr age gap between first and last baby. (Soyabean, I had a newborn and one about to graduate from uni when no4 arrived!!)

To be honest, I couldn't really care less what people said/thought although I was peeved when the hospital asked me if all my children had the same father.

Enjoy your pg, Clary.

[kkgirl]

I tend to agree with PamT that three is an awkward number for holidays, family tickets etc, and also two's company three's a crowd. I have often felt that I should have another to even it up but I'm not going to.
But at the end of the day if you want three then its up to you and you sound as if you really love children so good luck and ignore what people say, there is always someone with some comment or other to make

[lou33]

I agree with mears, I had the most depressing reception to the news that I was pg with number 4 (now 20 months old), even to the point of an aunt asking me if I was going to "get rid of it"! It's noone elses business but yours and your partner's, so as long as you are happy then tell them all to sod off! Congratulations from me btw!

[janh]

bells2, how rude! Can you imagine anybody saying something like that in any other circumstances????
(I mean I can never imagine anybody I know having sex anyway but that sort of remark is hardly appropriate when we're talking about babies, even though we all know that's how you get them!)

Anyway, clary, I have 4 - 2 girls and 2 boys. I was offered consoling remarks after DD2, which I thought was a bit off, and presumably the same people thought that once we had DS1 we would stop! But unlike mears, when DS2 was on the way I can't remember any really negative comments - maybe I was just lucky (or didn't get out much). (I know a family who have 7 - the eldest is 24 and the youngest is 5. They are a lovely family and the "baby" is delightful.)

I never had 3 pre-schoolers, have to say I think you are very brave for doing that! But congratulations, I know you will find it very rewarding (possibly most rewarding when they are in bed! ) and I do love seeing families of little children trotting around and chatting to each other. (Have you seen the top-up university fees thread though? Better start saving!)

[Lindy]

A message to all of you on this thread - I am probably one of those women who takes a deep breath & tries to mutter congratulations when I
hear about another pregnancy.

I hope this doesn't come accross as mean and heartless but I was a very reluctant mum at the age of 42 and in a million years would never consider having another one, so on a completely personal basis, yes, it is 'mad' to me that anyone has another one, (yet alone two or three or more!!). To me, having a child & being a mother has been so .............. difficult/strange/unexpected ........ I really don't know how to articulate my feelings accurately but it is something I just couldn't go through again by choice so I am amazed that people do (just as well for the future of mankind!). I am not a 'career woman' (no offence to those who are) - in fact you can see my views of the GF thread; your comments have made me realise that I may come across as rude, in reality perhaps it is just bewilderment?

[Java]

Were they joking about being mad - sounds like something I'd say - I have 2 lively boys and couldn't manage another - we need one parent per child on outings to keep any semblace of control!

[Deborahf]

Congratulations Clary - I am very pleased for you and your family. I have two lovely children - ds (6½ and dd (14 months). We hope to start thinking about another baby next year sometime. My ds is actively encouraging us - he says he'd like another brother, sister, brother, sister, etc, etc!!! I told him not to hold his breath

[zebra]

I find the British very conventional; and 2 is the usual number of children.

[Chinchilla]

I would never have the nerve to ask someone if a baby was planned! Bloomin' cheek. I only have one at the mo, but eventually would like another, once I have got over the minefield of the first two years. Dh is not so sure though!

Clary - congratulations, and good luck! Three pre-schoolers is something that I KNOW I wouldn't be able to cope with, but you sound fine with it. BTW, although I couldn't cope with it, this doesn't mean that I (or other people who may be less tactful in their surprise) don't love my (their) ds, or that I (they) resent him (theirs). Some people just speak without thinking. Ignore them and enjoy your pregnancy.

[bells2]

Totally agree Batters. I make a point of never asking people if they are trying etc, taking the view that if they want you to know, they will volunteer it. I also make a point of never asking people who live together whether they intend to get married. DH and I lived together for 6 years before we decided to get married and we both felt genuinely harassed during the majority of that time as to our intentions.

[monkey]

Clary, I'm really sorry! I know just what you mean I found people to be so incredibly negative about ds2 and because we chose to have them close together everybody assumed ds2 was a mistake. Granny in law's rection was 'don't you mind', best friend's reaction was, you've already got one". No one was pleased for me. Only 1 person said 'congratulations', and that was a stranger on the bus when I was out without ds1. I still feel very bitter!

God knows what it'll be like when/ if I get pg again (trying for n. 3). Hope you enjoy your pregnancy & baby, clary, I feel exactlt the same as you do. I dug out an old tape the other day - Julian Cope & on it was 'world, shut your mouth'. couldn't help but smile wryly to myself.

[SueDonim]

Do you all really know people who go round asking others if they are trying for a baby or if they plan to get married??? I'm staggered, I truly am, I just don't know anyone who would be brass-necked enough for that! Or maybe I'm just unobservant, as I'm not interested enough to ask and generally couldn't give a monkey's anyway.