...and I copied it before deleting it, in case it was useful or interesting for anyone. At the time I was being pushed into having an abortion, as a single mother with depression. I have removed names to prevent identification. It describes the thoughts and feelings I was having. I eventually left the father of my baby, as he became increasingly abusive, and kept the baby, who is much loved
I just wanted to help people in the same situation.
This was written on the 4th, 6th of October 2006, then the 3rd November 06, in an online diary.
I have to buy a walkman. I need to listen to my tape and see if it helps before the bad stuff really kicks in. If it starts at 6 weeks, it'll be 6 to 8 weeks of it. That's not forever.
Last night Polly (cat) woke me up, she had been sick on the bedroom carpet. I stumbled out of bed, my first good sleep in a few days...and saw what looked like dismembered body parts from some creature, a large torso and arms and legs in amongst the mess. I thought, Oh, typical, with what I'm going through at the moment. I went to the bathroom to grab something to clear it up with, and on returning found a pile of simple chunks of catfood, and some fur. It didn't remotely resemble what i had 'seen'. I must have had a waking dream.
Feel uneasy as to why T is being so nice. This pregnancy is so 'hush hush' to everyone except me - I'm telling anyone who will listen, friend or stranger. Because I may not be allowdd to be pregnant for very long. I have a week left. I also have cystitis. Going to GP this morning. Hope to ask for some phenergan as well.
T will be round later. he thinks, mum thinks, dad thinks, I'm having an abortion next weekend. Nobody seems to think this child deserves a chance.
I might be the worst mother in the world, is that what they are saying? Everyone loves M. But I can't help but love my baby, and I feel as if I'm being told, over and over again, not to love it. Not to keep it inside me where it belongs.
Why am I so bad I don't deserve a baby? I can't understand. Yes I get depressed but so do many parents, single and couples...it's HARD bringing up a kid, or is it just me? Sorry I'm just so miserable about it. I could use someone saying it's the right thing to do.
T has been attentive and kind today. He drove us to the vet. he doesn't want to make love but he kissed me a couple of times. I said I was scared of what he would say if I couldn't go through with the abortion. he held his head for a while. I think maybe he is being nice now so I do what he wants me to do. And if I don't do it, there will be hell to pay.
it's not fair. if he was carrying the baby, and I didn't want it, and tried to get him to kill it, how would he feel? He wouldn't kill it for me, for anyone. He has integrity, and so do I. I never intended this pregnancy. I hoped for it but didn't intend it. He didn't seem too fussed about taking precautions.
So why is it suddenly not his responsibility to deal with the result of his actions?
We're grow ups for heavens sake. Not teenagers. he owns a house, I rent a house. We've both raised children before. he has no kids living at home. M is nearly school age. I have helpful family, so does he. He has a car, good work prospects. I want another baby, and then no more will be ok.
I want to tell him, I can think of various reasons why I would be better to have a child with some other bloke, but at the end of the day, I've conceived one with you, and I'm happy about that. you're the only one who isn't. Mum is only worried in case you run off and let her do all the work again, like R. If she knew you would stay, she would support us no end. He is the only one causing a problem with this!
I have started to love the baby already. it's really strange. I love her, she makes me laugh! I have no idea why.
I want to ask him, when his ex was pg, did he try to make her get rid of it? Interesting.
Well, I'm pleased to report some progress in the world of parental relations, honey. He is being super nice and we are being careful not to hurt or upset each other, as we both hate to be apart and are afraid it could happen again. Ursula Hesper ........ is your name now, in my mind...and if you are a little chap,.........or maybe just ........, if you like that. I hope T does. We have to share you, you know...and I have always liked these names. But we'll see. Ursula means 'little she-bear'. Hesper means 'Evening star'. I'm 8 weeks four days now and I am still getting bad times with the morning sickness, mainly having to think and force myself to eat when it is the last thing I want to do. I am coping on the majority of days though. I hope it will go at around 11 or 12 weeks, though this may be optimistic...I believe it went at about 16 weeks completely last time, maybe a bit continued throughout, but only when I went to sleep and got up suddenly. Everyone says they stopped sooner the second time.
I am hoping to have you at home. T won't be there, but Mum will be about with M. Who is asleep right now...your brother, M. he's a dear. You will adore him as everyone does! He will have had his fourth birthday by the time you are here. He will help look after you.
people are being nicer now. Mum especially is starting to get a bit excited. Dad is resigned, he's been here before. Ivy my Grandmother is a silly old bid and I don't feel able to visit her after her comments. So we will leave her out of it for now.
I can see you pushing my stomach outwards now, sometimes. you wax and wane like the moon. I like to see your presence and know that you will be real and I will hold you one day. I feel so in love with you, you strange little pup, I can't understand it, it surprises me! But you have me already, you are loved so much. Daddy will love you too my precious. of course he will. He'll be a good dad.
I'd better go now but stay safe little one and back soon.
Your mummy xxx
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I don't know if this is helpful but I have just found an online diary I started early in pregnancy last year.
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Flllightattendant · 03/01/2008 08:05
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