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Real dilemma with a friend, don't know what to do

(54 Posts)
MaryMcCarthy Fri 27-Dec-13 19:08:36

She has just announced she is pregnant with a guy she's known for around 7 weeks, however she found out today she is near 10 weeks pregnant. and she was having sex with someone else immediately before meeting the new guy.

I know the peculiarity of ovulation means she could technically be ten weeks pregnant despite first sleeping with the new guy seven weeks ago. And she insists it's the new guy's. But she also insists she was on the pill. I just wondered if I could share the timeline of events here and see if it added up to anyone else? because I'm still not convinced.

If this isn't the right forum for such a story then I apologise and I'd be happy to be redirected, but I hope you can help because I'm extremely close to this girl, she's earmarked me as a godparent and it's really taking up a lot of my thoughts at the moment.

SweetPea86 Sat 28-Dec-13 17:30:58

Mary really sorry that they are so many bitchy people on here who aren't helping and just being nasty.

I understand your concerns it's good that your not taking beibg a god parent lightly.

I like you have a best friend who is forever telling porkies or mis leading then truth and it's very frustrating.

Maybe have a talk with her and tell her your concerns.

Is the new guy going to be supportive to her after only 7 weeks.

If she isn't being honest just be there to support her as a friend and if your slightly concerned about being a god parent tell her that your not ready for that responsibly yet.

Funny how many people are telling you your to invested in her life but yet have time to write nasty comments on here

Hope things work out for you

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Sat 28-Dec-13 17:13:59

Thanks Somerset smile
preens
Admittedly its through watching Jeremy Kyle a lot daytime tv absolutely feel sorry for those people who grew up thinking someone was their parent then finding out they weren't .. Devastation all round.
Maybe (it does happen) one of them will step up even if they are not the father but she should at least give them that chance.
She'll need a good friend though if both men decide to walk away. At least the DNA will point to who is going to have to support the child

Fedup1992 Sat 28-Dec-13 16:41:11

3rd of November she "joked" about bring pregnant?? Maybe she knew there was chance!

I'm confused. Horrible situation to be in!

And she should be truthful!

But I can't believe u know all the info!

based on being 10 weeks on dec 27th and assuming a perfect cycle and ovulating on day 14, my calendar points to conception on or around november 8th.

i cant remember the exact dates of her sexual history timeline but regardless of what is or is not right in friendships, she has had more than one sexual partner in a tight timeline so i dont think you could eliminate the possibility of either guy being the father.

to me it boils down to a)is she being honest with "dream boat" about the possibility that hes not the dad b)is this woman emotionally equipped to take on parenthood regardless of paternity?

the ops had her head bitten off for questioning the underlying facts. i dont think that makes her judgemental. shes just adult enough to realise that honesty is the only solid basis for trust and that the life her friend is choosing to bring into the world shouldnt be marred by doubts and dishonesty.

sounds like the friend has a little growing up to do.

SaucyJack Sat 28-Dec-13 12:11:16

Both the child and the father have the right to know true parentage in my book.

You can be a friend to someone without having to blindly support them through doing something you feel to be massively morally wrong.

Somersetlady Sat 28-Dec-13 12:05:47

Thingathatgobumpinthenight you speak perfect sense! Whoever the child belongs to the father deserves to know. To trap someone into believing they have fathered a child when it may in fact have nothing to do with them is vile and op i can understand why you would question your feelings towards your friend.

This - potentially poor - guy was obviously looking for casual sex on the internet and not a lifelong commitment after a few weeks to fathering a child which may or may not be his!

If you can make her see that she should be VERY sure the child is his before she tells him or at least be honest enough to say look i think it's yours but i cant be 100% sure until,after the birth then he is free to make a decision on his role in her and the baby's life with all the facts.

The op has already said the friend has a history of lying If she will play god with someone else's life like this then what other situations would she manipulate or lies would she tell to suit herself and her own wishes.

I think it far better you come to look for advice and opinions on mumsnet than confide in someone in your circle of friends where you risk inflaming the situation with the conversation being repeated.

- maybe i am slightly biased as a close friend has recently found himself in this situation where the fling is now chasing him for money and is currently awaiting dna results which the mother wouldn't agree to since baby's birth in march -

meditrina Sat 28-Dec-13 05:05:31

You say you are young, and you refer repeatedly to the pregnant friend as a 'girl' - does that mean you/she are under age?

I are there specialist youth services in your area? They should be able to support her in any aspects of the pregnancy.

There is no way to sort out paternity when unprotected intercourse has happened within a few days with two different men. We can guess the likelihood until the cows come home. But at least she can sort it out with a DNA test once the baby is born.

Lj8893 Sat 28-Dec-13 04:52:36

You sound very judgemental. Comments about meeting up
In a hotel room etc are completely irrelevant so don't know why you felt the need to say that.

A true friend would be there, gently ask thier friend if there could be a possibility it could be Geoffs baby etc, and hand hold. She's 10 weeks pregnant, smitten with her bf and very hormonal. Of course she's going to panic and say its definitely his, she will be desperately trying to convince herself.

I agree that she does need to be honest with all involved (although your not involved!!) but she needs her friends (that's you apparently) support to do so.

Fedup1992 Sat 28-Dec-13 04:01:17

If she's saying th person is the dad, believe her

She's not a nice person if she's lying.

I thought maybe this was about you when I first read it, I don't know.

And as for thinking the baby coming out with brown eyes, my mum must of had an affair with the milk man, my mum and dad have brown hair, I'm a ginger with brown eyes, and my brother is. Ginger with blue. Xx

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Fri 27-Dec-13 22:39:27

Hmm. I think you should encourage her to be honest.
The baby has a right to know who its real father is. DNA tests aren't majorly expensive and would clarify things
I don't understand why it seems to be ok that its a man being deceived here, imagine the feeling if you were a woman handed the wrong baby in hospital
Women are sure their baby is theirs, men just have the woman's word for it, or DNA if there is one done
What if he pays maintenance for the child and it's not his? Having deliberately deceived him IMO she should be done for fraud

She's done nothing wrong sleeping with whoever except she could have taken better care of her sexual health by the sounds of things, now though there is a baby, who deserves nothing less than to know who their father is, and be cared for and loved.

YABU posting such detailed stuff on tinternet confused but a true friend would support her no matter what, nothing wrong with backing away from being embroiled in this or being baby's godmother, or steering her in the direction of finding out the truth for the baby, but if she chooses not to, if you're a good friend you'll be there to support and not judge her I guess

AHardDaysWrite Fri 27-Dec-13 21:41:42

Look. The bottom line is there's a baby who will need love and support once born, regardless of his/her paternity. If you're godmother to this child, you're just that - godmother to the child, not the mother. Can you not offer the child your love and support, regardless of what you think about his/her mother's behaviour?

mskellyanne Fri 27-Dec-13 21:33:22

Ring Jeremy Kyle grin

carrotcakeandwine Fri 27-Dec-13 21:28:39

If the child is born with brown eyes everyone will know of her deceit

someone has been reading too many detective novels, I think.. hmm

HarderToKidnap Fri 27-Dec-13 21:14:59

Well if it is ten weeks since her last period the baby is much more likely to be new guys than geoffs. Having said that, your loyalty is with her here. The road ahead may be quite tough for her and she needs you. I would offer unstinting support, let someone else be the moral police and sit in judgement on her. Don't worry about that aspect of it, your job is to be the friend you've always been. If the scan date comes back indicating that she conceived prior to meeting new guy, then you could have a gentle chat about how she wants to play it and be there for her. X

MaryMcCarthy Fri 27-Dec-13 20:56:00

If the doctor told her 10 weeks ago based on her last period, does that mean her last period would have started 10 weeks ago? If so, I don't think the timeline adds up.

Even questioning her is going to have serious implications to our friendship so I need to be sure of my doubts before I go to her.

Doctor could have told her ten weeks based on last period.

Op, you need to decide if you're her friend or not. She's in an incredibly awkward/emotional situation and is going to need support, not judgment.

mskellyanne Fri 27-Dec-13 20:49:38

Basically you ask ... Are you sure it's his ?? Job done

Mishmashofstyles Fri 27-Dec-13 20:47:39

If it is you, stop beating yourself up. Casual sex as a single woman is not a crime.
Getting on well with someone on the internet doesn't mean you belong to them. You did nothing wrong sleeping with Geoff. Tell the internet chap if you have doubts about the dates. If he is decent he will understand.

If you are the friend, you do sound over invested. Step back.

Won't Geoff wonder about this baby when it appears?

mmmuffins Fri 27-Dec-13 20:42:07

I'm unsure why you are getting a slating on here. I certainly would be very uncomfortable if I knew that a friend was possibly in denial or lying about the parentage of her child. It is very big burden to carry, especially as you watch this internet man change his life. This could be a very devastating lie.

I think initially the best thing to do is encourage her to be honest about the uncertainty of paternity. I don't know what you should do if she doesn't admit there is doubt.

MaryMcCarthy Fri 27-Dec-13 20:39:44

I don't know if she had a scan but she insists the doctor has told her 10 weeks.

Feeling terrible now and hoping the thread could be deleted in case she or anyone who knows her reads it.

Thanks to anyone who offered sincere advice

HarderToKidnap Fri 27-Dec-13 20:35:52

Did she have a scan today? Otherwise there is no way anyone could tell she is ten weeks, or six weeks, or whatever. Even if doc took a hcg blood test on the spot and got the results back today, it still wouldn't tell you how far along she was.

oldbaghere Fri 27-Dec-13 20:35:02

There is something about this you're not telling us

ziggiestardust Fri 27-Dec-13 20:34:14

toffee that's what I thought.

MaryMcCarthy Fri 27-Dec-13 20:34:05

Why would I say 'let's wait and see?'... she asked me to be godmother immediately upon finding she was pregnant and I accepted straight away, overjoyed. I'm now scared that my paranoia is going to ruin my closest friendship, but I can't help it. I'm struggling to talk normally to my friend at the moment like we do every night - I need to say something but don't even know how to word it. I feel there's nowhere else I can turn.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Fri 27-Dec-13 20:33:11

Is this really you who is pregnant?

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