Would you like to be on Mumsnet's research panel? We're especially keen for parents-to-be and new parents to join. You can sign up here - there's (nearly) always a great incentive on offer for your views.

Reactions when you tell people you pregnant? Like disrespectful comments.

(101 Posts)
Sarahmains40 Mon 30-Sep-13 17:32:04

Most people have been really happy for me. Funny a few people when I told them I'm pregnant they say well your not married or when are you getting married? Seriously it's 2013. I'm 27 and my OH is 29 we've been together for 10 years he is my only ever boyfriend and I love him dearly. We are engaged for about 3 years but just haven't got around to getting hitched. We bought a house together and renovated and invested a lot of money in to that. We work full time so in our free time we like to go on holidays etc. Before baby gets here lol.

To me money is better spent on other things than a wedding that I know will get totally out of control. (Nothing wrong with having a massive wedding just not for me )

We both decieded when we do get married we will do it in a registry office on the quite and cheap.

But after these comments I feel like my OH and I aren't seen as a proper couple. Tbh my relastionship is better than a lot of marriages I know.

It's the one thing I never thought would be a problem untill I've told people were having a baby.

spatchcock Tue 01-Oct-13 23:01:10

"People always ask us if we planned it. I am going to say 'no, it was an accident, we meant to do bumsex'"

grin

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Tue 01-Oct-13 23:00:38

I had "was it planned?" from 3 people with my first pregnancy. I was 30 ffs.

For dc3 I had "oh, and you had just begun to get your life back" from a good friend of mine hmm It was a much wanted (trying for 6mths) 3rd child!

I huffed. (subtly.)

Want2bSupermum Tue 01-Oct-13 22:54:16

Penguin I think they did find it useful and it def wasn't the first thing I said. They all still speak to me and I didn't see any threads on MN at the time about a loony friend telling them to get married!

Sadie I understand why they ask if you are pregnant by the same man but I like the way my obn asked me. I think she said 'So will this one look like DH as well then?" DD looked just like DH for the first 3 months. DS still looks identical to DH.

Sadie204 Tue 01-Oct-13 22:28:13

With DD1 we weren't married but had been together 6yrs, both working, own house etc. I got plenty of when's the wedding? We did get married when DD was 7mths but was already engaged for a long time before that! Also got a couple of is it congratulations? What else should you really say lol. When we told my DM that we are expecting again this time woth DC4 her first words were never mind shock Had loads of people asking if we own a tv aswell. Nothing can beat MIL reaction to holding her first born 6hr old DGD 'Well you broke the chain cos my family only have boys first!' Should have been a sign but 6 yrs later and she hasn't seen DD since that day. Although apparently had commented to other members of DH family that it seemed odd that it wasnt a boy first and were they sure he was the father!! shock

Also hate when MW asks if you are pregnant by same man. Seeing as I've been with DH since I was 16 (he was 17) and he's the only man I've slept with, I should hope so lol.

So sorry to read some of the stories on here. Pregnancy is supposed to be one of the most exciting times, shame on some of your families and friends for their comments! sad Its one thing to get it from strangers but close ones its out of order!

EmB1715 Tue 01-Oct-13 21:36:58

I can't count the amount of times I've had: 'you didn't waste any time'. We got married last December and found out I was pg end of March. Just seems so nosy and causes embarrassment. Totally unnecessary.

morgs22 Tue 01-Oct-13 21:07:22

My sisters just asked what the fuck I was thinking, then once the shock was over started talking about names and stuff like that, DP parents asked why I was having sexual intercourse before marriage with their son (I actually laughed at that point) then told me if I don't get an abortion DP would be dead to them (they mean it). Kinda worried about telling a few people at work I know most will be kind and supportive but I work with a couple people who can be so cruel and inappropriate with what they say... so just gonna play it by ear I think and not take anything personally.

ThedementedPenguin Tue 01-Oct-13 20:51:50

Thanks supermum I was thinking of situations but I didn't come up with them. That's a very good point in those situations.

I'd imagine your friends found it very helpful, I'd hope if I was in the position someone would pull me aside as sometimes you don't think of these things. I'd like to think I'd be happy to receive such information as long as it was the first thing I heard after announcing smile

Delayingtactic Tue 01-Oct-13 20:50:14

Senior at work: well you'll never become a surgeon now. Might as we'll be a GP.

Irritating and frustrating in equal measure. Misogyny abounds.

Want2bSupermum Tue 01-Oct-13 20:42:57

Penguin It depends on your situation. One friend was with her DP who owned their house. Her name wasn't on the title. I think that puts her in a tough spot should things go wrong. Getting married means that house is now jointly owned. The fact he was open about this concerned me. I thought it was odd that anyone would say that sort of thing in public.

Also, should you decide once you have children to work less the DP will need to support their child but not you. That again puts in you in a weak position should your DP decide to call it quits. Also, if you work less your pension will be less if you split up.

Then there is the old chesnut of what happens should your DP pass away. If you are not married you need to pay death duties on the estate you inherit that is over GBP325k. For most people that isn't a problem but is becomming a lot more common now house prices are so high.

The advice I was given 5/6 years ago was that only thing I would be on the 'hook' for is child support if I wasn't married to DH. I doubt things have changed all that much.

RaRaZ Tue 01-Oct-13 20:06:45

God this is horrendous! I don't think I've ever said anything more personal than "Oooh how far along are you?" or "Wow, that's exciting!" to a pregnant person hmm Where do all these horrible women come from???

When I was pg earlier this year, totally unplanned, my mother not only asked if bf would be marrying me, but also informed me repeatedly that that I'd never cope, would have no money, bf would split up with me from the stress, she and my dad wouldn't help at all, and I'd be stuck all alone in our flat in a shitty area with a tiny baby and no help or support. Unfortunately she convinced me so well that I had an abortion sad.

'Are you with the dad?''

I was 17. No reason to ask personal questions like that. A kind person might ask 'have you got some support? The nappies sure stack up!' like one person did (in a polite, jokey enquiry which I didn't mind) or whatever. As it happens, I wasn't for one very, very good reason.

ThedementedPenguin Tue 01-Oct-13 19:53:24

want2besupermum do you mind explaining what contracts us women need set up? I don't see how having a baby makes me vulnerable.

Mine isn't as bad as some (thankfully)

When we told Dps mum and dad one was like why another? The other one said what you trying to fill that house up there. This will be dc2. They have 4dc themselves.

MrsPatMustard Tue 01-Oct-13 19:48:33

Well....when I say 'good grace', I mean outwardly I'm showing good grace. Inwardly I'm a psycho, hormonal bitch from hell.....

MrsPatMustard Tue 01-Oct-13 19:47:23

"Can't see you as a mother somehow..."

Have taken it all with good grace but the urge to scream 'Go F*ck yourself' is overwhleming.....

MrsDeVere Tue 01-Oct-13 19:18:12

'If you want to do something about it you had better be quick' GP.
'If she tells you its yours don't believe her' BIL to OH
'You had better sit down because I have something awful to tell you' DM to DF

All of the above were about my darling girl. My firstborn and my only DD. Taken from us when she was 14. I was 25 and working and in a relationship with her dad who I am still with nearly 24 years later hmm

other gems aimed at me at various times:

'Do they all have the same father?'
'Single mum?'
'Being pregnant after 35 is discusting (sic)'
Someone bursting into tears when they found out I was having another boy because having a girl would have made losing my DD all better hmm
'I bet you really want a girl'
'You are so lucky to have all those boys, I only have girls'
'OMG you must be mad'

We could have a whole other thread about things said to us after we have the children.

Want2bSupermum Tue 01-Oct-13 19:16:30

Congrats. DH's aunt and uncle asked why we needed more than one! They have a major chip on their shoulder about their DD being better than DH. Their DD had one DD who is lovely but spoilt beyond belief. DH was pissed off with their attitude.

I will say that I have pulled friends aside after they have shared their news to say they need to either get married or get to a lawyer so contracts are drawn up. For a woman, having a child puts you in a vunerable position and you need something in place to protect you and your child(ren) should the relationship breakdown or one of you passes away. I don't think my friends took offence to this. I did it quietly and out of concern for them.

Sarahmains40 Tue 01-Oct-13 19:06:52

Norah those comments are horrible. Congratulations and sorry for your losses. Your right tell them a few months after baby's born nasty comment no one should ever have said to them

As for the rest shocking at how in your face and irrationing people are,

Xenadog Tue 01-Oct-13 19:01:57

I have never wanted kids and at 40 never thought I would have them (PCOS issues too) so when I found out I was pregnant it came as a real shock to me and DP - incidentally we will only have been together 2 years when LO arrives.

Everyone except for one bitch woman at work has been really, really kind to me. This woman however spent a whole week looking at me, staring and then laughing! Bloody rude isn't the word.

Luckily I am now happy with the situation and don't give flying fig what anyone says/thinks but had I been in the least bit sensitive it would have really crushed me.

Some people are just foul aren't they?

Hope2014 Tue 01-Oct-13 18:54:04

Father of DP to my DP:

"Is it yours?" (We've been together 4 years)
Then
"Was it planned?" (!!)
Then
"It's a big commitment' (!!!)

Hope2014 Tue 01-Oct-13 18:51:31

Shocked guy at work:
"gasp but you're not married!"
Me: "that's right, I'm not"
Guy: "*looks relieved* oh it's ok, this 'happened' to someone else I know - they got married later and she's ok now"

!!

Handbagsonnhold Tue 01-Oct-13 16:00:38

Ah op I'm 40 and only 8 week (not told a soul)...but not married to my oh .....we already have dd age 3 and my oh is almost 50! Funny thing is ....now we are so ancient no one even asks about the marriage thing anymore.....you guys enjoy it and ignore any ridiculous comments....how awful!......good luck

Ginnytonic82 Tue 01-Oct-13 15:40:41

My mil said, "how can you do this to me, I'm far too young to be a grandma?!" She had Dh when she was 16 - he and I are expecting our first at 31, so not exactly our doing!

People can be very insensitive and rude. I don't understand why people feel it's ok to comment on other peoples lives. As long as you're happy who the hell cares?! Good luck with everything and ignore the stupid comments .

Emilycee Tue 01-Oct-13 15:34:41

Oooh that was quick! We got married in April, are in our mid 30s what do people expect?! I think because I am quite irritable at the moment silly comments wind me up! smile

firstimer30s Tue 01-Oct-13 14:49:33

From my younger sister: "omg, I can't believe this is happening to me, I need time to absorb it"
From my older sister: "whatever you do, make sure you ask for an epidural and don't take anything else they offer you"
From my grandma: "don't eat too much, although people will know" (I was 3 months and not showing) "as you've got fatter"
From my dh's grandmother: "don't diet, you'll have a small baby"

Wishfulmakeupping Tue 01-Oct-13 14:23:38

My bf and I had similar comments we'd been together 11 years when we found out we were expecting not married either so we had a lot of comments about that.
I also had some lovely comments that people though we didn't want kids as I'm too selfish and others though I was 'barren' nice people around.
My advice- smile and fuck what people think smile
Congrats by the way

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now