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Pregnancy

Disappointed of gender?

29 replies

CLM123 · 20/09/2013 21:02

Hi ladies,

So I found out today that we're having a little princess only thing is when she told me all I felt was disappointment... I was adamant she was a boy! To the point where I bought boy things! (More fool me eh)

Just wondering if anyone else felt this way? I just feel awful at my reaction I guess it was more of a shock than anything. I've sorta come around to it now and getting quite excited but still feel a slight pang of disappointment. Am I being selfish? Just worried that this will affect how I now feel about the pregnancy and when she comes, and that scares the bejeebas out of me because that would break my heart.

Any reassurance or similarities would be kindly appreciated and please be nice, thank you.

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lolablu · 20/09/2013 21:07

well gender scans aren't 100% accurate, boys can wear girls clothes and visa versa. (confuse everyone ;)

Im sure it will come with time...

MrsPatMustard · 20/09/2013 21:30

Had a similar experience a two weeks ago - was desperately hoping for a girl (have always always wanted a girl) and found out it's a boy. It's unlikely we'll be able to have another DC so have had to adapt to the idea that I'm never going to have a daughter.

Had a few days of feeling a bit low but funnily enough, it is passing. Increasingly am starting to feel that all this gender stuff doesn't really matter. I have a friend who had a child with severe learning difficulties and had to watch as her DC got sicker and sicker and then died. My baby looks healthy and that is the only thing that matters.

Just give yourself some time to adjust - you'll get there...

RhondaJean · 20/09/2013 21:36

I had this twice.

I desperately wanted boys (would still love one but the ship I fear has sailed). Especially the second time, as I knew it would mot likely be my last pregnancy, was difficult.

All I can say is, we do have an overdose of oestrogen in the house, but my girls are most definitely not princesses of any sort. My oldest is a martial arts gold medallist, and keen musician; my youngest plays for a girls football team, they both love pokemon and star wars, but just maybe they have more in common with me than sons because we can also do the makeup/ shopping stuff that boys just couldn't or wouldn't.

They are 9 and 14 now btw. But I remember that feeling, I was so glad both times I had scans because I was convinced they were both boys. Tbh the births were so traumatic I was just glad they were in one piece afterwards for bit.

RhondaJean · 20/09/2013 21:36

Oh and the second time I already had a little stock of blue hats/ gloves / vests too I was so certain.

DaleyBump · 20/09/2013 21:53

These threads always go the same way. Hope you're wearing your flame retardant pants, OP.

CLM123 · 20/09/2013 21:58

Thank you for your posts and yes that's what I felt, should be grateful that they're healthy just a little harder than that.

Praying I will come to terms with it soon and return to how happy I was. Seems so irrelevant and petty but just hand on heart thought she was a boy.

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CLM123 · 20/09/2013 21:59

Daley, don't quite understand your comment? Not a regular lol

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RhondaJean · 20/09/2013 22:02

Clm I get you 100percent but I promise it's something you deal ?ith and get over. If I had gone on to be able to have a son afterwards, I doubt I would even remember it now.

Daley is posting because you are due someone along telling you you are a disgrace and should just be happy whatever it is (which you will be ) and I have seen some really nasty things said on these gender threads.

cravingcake · 20/09/2013 22:02

We have a wonderful DS and found out we're expecting a girl this time. Both my DH and I said before we knew that if we could choose we would love to have a girl this time so we are very happy. We've known for a couple of weeks and even though we are over the moon to be expecting a healthy girl I have still had moments where I've been a little bit down that I wont have 2 boys .

Its perfectly normal and part of the joy of pregnancy hormones. You wont love the child any less and you will probably have had the same emotions after the birth so don't feel guilty about it.

Boobybeau · 20/09/2013 22:09

I think what Daley means is that there are a lot of people on mn who are desperately ttc or had MC's or have very poorly babies and would do anything for a healthy baby regardless of its gender. I'm not trying to make you feel bad as you can't help how you feel but just sayin'

ShowOfHands · 20/09/2013 22:25

These threads are often enormously supportive I find. Of course it will be a very difficult thing to read if you are having problems with fertility but what you're feeling is common and you don't have to filter your reaction through anybody else's feelings. It's an honest reaction and you already recognise it for what it is. There are many, many threads dealing with the same thing, most very supportive.

I promise you now, once your baby is here, you won't be disappointed or upset at all. Your baby is your baby. Completely unique and so much more than whatever might be implied by the presence or absence of a penis. But you feel shocked and upset. That's fine. Remind yourself that you have no concrete reason to be upset, don't let it cloud your feelings or make you anxious about the birth or bonding. It's quite common and it passes. You will love your magnificent little baby for who they are, not what they have between their legs. Honestly. When it comes to it, it's surprisingly simple.

I always wanted a little boy. When I found out I was having one, I felt strangely flat and subdued. I know why now. It's just a door closing. A possibility for a life ending as another one unfolds. It's an uncanny feeling and not logical at all really.

CLM123 · 20/09/2013 22:26

Yes I understand that and I think it is silly for people to complain about petty things but I'm not just simply explaining how I feel and asking for some reassurance. Pregnancy does crazy things to us so I often find myself questioning whether its 'normal' and I don't think anyone should be penalised or criticised for doing so.

Thankyou Rhonda and 'cravingcake' really appreciate it! :D just a shock to the system after calling her a him for so long haha only myself to blame really. Our baby is going to be cherished either way!

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RhondaJean · 20/09/2013 22:33

Show you nailed exactly how I feel/felt - as I put it on another thread it's the grieving for the child that will never be even as you love the one that is.

CLM123 · 20/09/2013 22:34

Showofhands thankyou immensely for your post! Extremely helpful and you speak many words of wisdom!

I was mainly writing to see if it was common as I was a little taken aback at how I felt when we was told and just thought my poor little baby this should be a very happy time for us so felt rather guilty but just couldn't help feeling that way!

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ShowOfHands · 20/09/2013 23:11

CLM, it's just the rational side of your brain warring with the emotional side of your brain. You feel shocked and disappointed. You know realistically this is unfounded. But still you feel it. So you feel guilty and ashamed and worried. Really, it's fine. When you have the 20wk scan and find out the sex, it tells you a massive thing. And oddly, tells you nothing at all. Your little baby you know nothing about except for what reproductive organs it has. And it is massively inflated in its importance because you know nothing else about them. You don't know how they giggle or how their tiny little hand will feel in yours or what the small snuffles of breath will feel like on your shoulder as they snuggle into your neck and sigh. Honestly, that baby you're having is a whole little person and you'll find out very soon that their very existence transcends any of the misconceptions you have now about what being a boy or a girl 'means'.

Talk about her name, what you will call her. It might help to go out and buy an outfit for your baby, for the baby you know you're having. Buy her a dress and hang it in the corner of your room and look at it in the morning and know that your daughter will wear it. One day really soon you'll wake up and instead of feeling nervous or unsure when you glance at it, you'll just see something which represents the child you will have, not the one you won't and you'll feel nothing but excitement. And a few weeks after that, the dress will be screwed up in a laundry basket, covered in dribble and poo, having been worn for 3 minutes and abandoned in favour of easy to fasten and wash babygros.

Congratulations.

ShowOfHands · 20/09/2013 23:17

I had a girl first btw. I always imagined and hoped for boys for myriad reasons.

I love my daughter with a fierceness which surprises me. She is the most magnificent and wonderful person I have ever had the privilege to know, let alone love and raise. She is simply the best thing I have ever done and I cannot express how much she is exactly the child I was always meant to have first. She isn't a girl. She's my family. And she's brilliant. I have a boy too. The feelings and experiences of having him are the same. He's my family. He belongs here. Their places in our lives are assured and equal and related in no way to which one of them has a penis.

All this I know solely in hindsight. When pregnant, I had no clue and my hormones and worries took over. That bit passes though and boy will you love the next bit.

BigKicker · 21/09/2013 00:28

I had pretty much the same experience and got a little bit of slack on here for saying I was disappointed. That was a couple of months ago and with time I've totally come around. It's all psychological as I think if you had no original feeling it was one sex or the other in the beginning you wouldn't be so disappointed when you find out. X

Xenadog · 21/09/2013 08:46

We were both convinced we were having a boy and then when the scan result said girl it really floored us! We are happy now and have picked a name, been given loads of pink stuff from friends and are ready for the arrival of a baby girl. It took a little time to get used to as we had named the baby with a boy's name but giving the baby her own name has made her seem real and lovely but it did take a few days for it to sink in. Give yourself time, ultimately you will love this baby regardless of gender - I was one of 6 children, my brother was the oldest then my parents had 5 girls. They really wanted me to be a boy but once born they were just so happy that I was healthy - this is how you will feel too, OP.

Xenadog · 21/09/2013 08:48

Oh and I was baby number 6 so all their hopes were pinned on me being a boy too!

Stevie77 · 21/09/2013 09:13

I completely understand and sympathise with your feelings. We've found out we're about to have a boy but have so desperately hoped to have a little sister for DD. I was convinced it was a girl, there was no other option as far as I was concerned.

My emotions are a bit high so I don't really want to elaborate at the moment, but wanted to chip in and let you know you are not alone.

SaucyJack · 21/09/2013 09:58

I think it's perfectly usual to have a preference, and very common to feel initially disappointed to find out you won't be having the child you've imagined.

FTR I've always wanted girls. I don't like other people's sons any less than their daughters, I just can't picture myself being the mother of a boy. I've had two daughters so far and am hoping for another girl this time round if I'm honest. (Boys have willies FGS! What does one do with one of them?)

CLM123 · 21/09/2013 10:45

Again, thank you for your posts ladies. They have all definitely put me slightly at ease I just feel so guilty at my reaction but I am slowly coming round to it was just panicking that this would alter my feelings towards it all but very relieved to know its quite common!

Xena - quite funny you should say that my mum had 7 girls and 1 boy and she too was convinced that my youngest sister was a boy! Praying the same isn't on the cards for me, couldn't imagine having 8 children just to have one boy!

I mean I always thought I would have a mixture of genders and it wouldn't bother me but just the fact we had been calling the bump a 'he' for so long was very difficult to register when she said its a girl. We too picked a boys name and everything!

Wishing all you ladies the very best with parenthood and again thank you for taking your time to reply to me, you don't realise how much I appreciate it!

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StupidFlanders · 21/09/2013 11:10

Damn showofhand that made me teary! So true!

ShowOfHands · 21/09/2013 11:15

"Boys have willies FGS! What does one do with one of them?"

Oooh I know this one, I know. Pick me!

Repeat after me. Try and sound weary:

"DS, take your hand out of your pants and leave it alone fgs. It's not a toy and GOD IS WATCHING".

Ta-dah!

SaucyJack · 21/09/2013 11:26

Oh I can do that. I say it to his/her father enough times a day.......

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