Would you like to be on Mumsnet's research panel? We're especially keen for parents-to-be and new parents to join. You can sign up here - there's (nearly) always a great incentive on offer for your views.

devastated!!! :(

(57 Posts)
Jasss123 Tue 17-Sep-13 10:08:41

after a year together (and 7 years of being best friends!) me and my partner decided to try for a baby! six months later and I find out I'm 8 weeks pregnant! cannot contain my joy and just wanna tell the world, I tell my once-supportive boyfriend and he hits the roof saying he thought it would take longer than this and he's just not ready telling me to get rid of it otherwise he'll be 'miserable for the rest of his life and it'll be All my fault'. gutted! as if that wasn't bad enough, I then think I've miscarried and the doctors think so too, so they send me for a scan at the hospital to confirm it where he doesn't come with me (or to any of the other appointments) and I'm elated to find that little heartbeat on the screen fluttering away! I bring home the picture to show him and he tells me to throw it away because if we're getting rid of it why would we need a picture?!?! I really don't wanna get rid of it, its the last thing I want but I really don't wanna lose him either and now he keeps badgering me daily to phone up and book a termination but I'm trying to put it off for as long as I can, am I wrong to do so? does it make me a bad person to risk the best relationship I've ever had with the best friend I've ever had? I'm now 9+1 and should be having prenatal apps ect but I'm so confused and don't know what to do!!!

Naomilouise1992 Thu 19-Sep-13 12:12:46

I had an abortion when my partner decided after trying for a year he didn't want it, found out after he was having an affair? DO NOT do it if its not hat u want! Nearly 3 years on and I still have the scan photo of that baby and there's not a day hat oes by where I regret it! I am now 20 weeks pregnant (wasn't ment to be) it was an accident an I hve been with this partner for a year, he wanted me toget rid of this one at the beginning but told him to come to the 12 week scan with me then we wud decide, (I wasn't ever gunna get rid) but he came round and now we can't wait!!! U can do this alone if u need to, worst case is u will split up! but you might not talk for few months then once he's had time to get his head round it eat back together! but if he's any decent man there's no chance he will not be apart of his babies life! And if he doesn't then ur better off without xx

Vicki070712 Thu 19-Sep-13 11:28:34

I was in a very similar situation as you was in what I thought was a very secure loving relationship thought I had found the one, discussed marriage, kids etc then I fell pregnant by accident that's when it all changed, he went nuts was throwing glasses, plates etc. I knew myself I really wanted this baby, he on the other hand did not wanted me to have a termination even offered to pay for it privately!, that was the end of us the pregnancy was hard on my own but had great support from my parents, sister & best friend my perfect baby boy was born a month early & I can honestly say I've never felt so much love for someone in my life hard to believe considering what I feel for his so called father. 6 years on I'm happily married to a wonderful guy that I know realise is the one & I have another beautiful son & I wouldn't change a thing that has happened it's made me a better person. I'm not going to lie being a single parent is really hard but seeing him smile & laugh for the 1st time, talk his 1st steps his 1st word, 1st day at school it filled my heart with so much pride knowing that I've shaped him into the wonderful, handsome, caring, loving little boy that he is today it gives me such satisfaction.
If you really want this baby which I think you do, then don't let anybody tell you that you can't it is you that will have to live with any regrets and what ifs, also I feel that if you do decide not to carry on with the pregnancy you may end up resenting him & loosing him anyway.
Good luck x

gillybeandramaqueen Thu 19-Sep-13 09:57:56

He's NOT the best friend you've ever had!!!!!! A best friend would never treat you like this in such an unfeeling, cruel and callous way. He sounds like a controlling, manipulative, selfish wanker. He contributed significantly to your current pregnant state. Your relationship will never work if you get rid of this wanted baby at his say so... you will end up hating him forever and suffering very much.

Pantomime Wed 18-Sep-13 22:26:41

I was going to post maybe considering that he could be having a massive panic about the sudden reality of being a father and so on and so on but I honestly don't feel I can in anyway justify the actions of this person.

Please look after yourself, maybe go and stay with some friends or family for a few days. If you want this baby then he should not be allowed to force you to do anything. Get some support asap.

TeaAndANatter Wed 18-Sep-13 19:55:05

Hi Jass,

I hope this finds you feeling less confused than when you posted. I would recommend that (if you feel you want to), you contact your local Women's Aid service for a chat and a cup of tea. They can meet you in a cafe, or at their office, or at your home, and they won't tell you to leave or make you feel like you have to do anything that you're not ready for.

Lots of women think that Women's Aid is for when they are being hit, or want to leave the relationship. That's not true. It's for women who are ready to leave, women who want to stay, and for women who are so confused by what their partner is doing to them that they just don't know what's for the best any more. It's for when women are hit, and when women are terrorised in different, more hidden and confusing ways, like maybe is happening to you.

I hope that you find the support you need, and that your future gets better for you, and for your son or daughter if you feel able to keep him or her. I always liked that silly phrase about women being like teabags - it's only when we're in hot water that we find out how strong we are. It feels true to me. We are absolute warriors. We live in a culture of pornography, and rape, and inequalities, and male created war, and we survive by the strength of our sisters (hope that doesn't feel too 'out there' for you to access right now).

Sending you very best wishes, sister x

Frecklesandspecs Wed 18-Sep-13 18:28:24

Ps my Dh didn't come to my first scan either. He came to second though and I think it was then it sank in for him. Plus found out its a boy after 2 girls:-)

Frecklesandspecs Wed 18-Sep-13 18:26:23

Hi hun. I'm married and pregnant with third. I went through all this at the beginning of this pregnancy. Dh didn't want it and wanted me to terminate. I couldn't and here I am 34 weeks and we are all excited waiting for the baby to arrive.
He was scared but about half way through he got over himself. Stick to your guns and he should stick by you. Just give it time. I know its upsetting but you cannot go through with a termination on his behalf. That would destroy anything you have anyway. X

lolablu Wed 18-Sep-13 17:28:07

hey.

i know what its like. Iv skimmed all these messages and they say the same thing over and over again. That your boyfriend is abusive etc etc.

I know what I thought when I read that from my friends, and strangers, that they dont know what they are talking about.

it took a lot of years of acceptance to realise what it was for myself. to take action for myself.

please, take this as a wake up call, make this question every action, every niggle yyou have had.

i truely hope you are able to become strong through this and if not accept that your bf is abusive, that at least in this situation he is wrong and something needs to happen to change the situation. you have another life to think about now...

i hope you will find your way through. it is a difficult situation.

katebakes Wed 18-Sep-13 15:04:12

He's a vile person.

My husband was 22 and in the middle of his dissertation when we found out I was pregnant and he has been nothing but loving and supportive.

This is a much wanted baby and you shouldn't even consider having a termination if you don't want to. You'll regret it forever if you do it for him and quite frankly, he's not worth it.

I am so sad and angry for you. Please rid yourself of this pathetic waste of space.

BlackberryandNettle Wed 18-Sep-13 13:52:45

Quite honestly getting out of the so called relationship would be my first priority, you need to put yourself first, before him and the baby. This is your baby and I'm not suggesting you shouldn't keep it if that is what you want, but at the risk of sounding very harsh being mother to this man's child at all would leave you open to all sorts of manipulation from him in the future (things like refusing to pay child support, objecting to you seeing other men, possible battles over access/custody, making then breaking arrangements). Sorry to sound so negative but he does sound like the kind of guy who might do things like this.... Not a reason to terminate your child but something to think very carefully about.

I agree buslady . Hopefully shes read back some replies

CoffeeGuzzler Wed 18-Sep-13 13:40:43

Oh dear!!! I really really hope that Jasss is reading all these messages and that she has a support network in real life.

MadBusLady Wed 18-Sep-13 13:37:06

Looks like the OP isn't coming back.

BlackberryandNettle Wed 18-Sep-13 13:35:20

Quite honestly getting out of the so called relationship would be my first priority, you need to put yourself first, before him and the baby.

BlackberryandNettle Wed 18-Sep-13 13:30:53

Hi Jasss, just to reiterate what others have said, his behaviour is controlling, selfish and abusive. Easier said than done but I think you should leave him, then decide for yourself whether you want to keep the baby.

babycakemumma Wed 18-Sep-13 12:44:19

Leave him and make a life for you and your baby.

You'll regret a termination.

mirry2 Wed 18-Sep-13 08:40:35

If you want to keep the baby, don't have a termination. You'll regret it for the rest of your life.

HopeS01 Wed 18-Sep-13 08:38:29

I'm so sorry for you, OP. Please, please (if you want to, which it sounds like you do) keep your baby. You will never regret that decision, but you will certainly regret the alternative

Stay strong
thanks

Sarahmains40 Tue 17-Sep-13 21:24:46

If you got rid of your baby because of him the relationship would be already over. You would just end up resenting him. You clearly want the baby maybe its him you should think about getting rid of. Don't let him push you around in to something you would regret.

You deserve so much more respect than this. I really hope you work out what you want and I'm sorry your going through this.

Just remind your boyfriend that you'll be the one carrying the baby for 9 months having massive changes to your body.

Hope your ok sad xx

you need to leave this man! there is a lot of support for single mums with your background and you and your baby will be better off without him!

How dare he say 'i thought we had more time' when he knew you were both TTC!!

Please please please do not bow down to him and get rid of your little one. Your baby is more important than any man. If thats what you want to call him.

Just imagine this scenario.
You terminate your pregnancy, stay with him for another year and then you break up. How would you feel knowing that you got rid of a baby for this man who treats you like crap?

sorry if this is a bit shouty, i just really hope you see sense!

I wish you all the best xoxo

FastWindow Tue 17-Sep-13 14:49:44

He is NOT your best friend.

Would you treat any friend of yours like this?!!

Yonihadtoask Tue 17-Sep-13 14:30:04

Lots of excellent advice OP.

I can only agree with all the previous posters.

This man does not have your best interests at heart.

Do what you want to do. Don't make a decision based on anyone else. This baby would be your responsibility if you decide to have it. If you decide not to have him/her, then you have to live with that decision as well so decide only for yourself, no one else. There is no right or wrong decision, just that you have to live with the consequences either way. So do what is best for you, no one else.

Thumbwitch Tue 17-Sep-13 13:50:48

If this is the best relationship you have ever had then you really must have been out with some awful losers! This one isn't any better.

If his response to you carrying his child is that you should "get rid of it" then frankly, his arse is the one that should be shown the door.

Can't bear "men" like this.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Tue 17-Sep-13 13:45:56

Jass, please dump this vile bullying excuse for a human being. Also suggest you post on the Relationships board as the wise women there will be able to support you.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now