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to not tell MIL when I go in labour...

(36 Posts)
rodandtheemu Tue 26-Feb-13 11:29:57

Hi...
Im due in 8 weeks and it's DP first child. MIL is very head strong and has assumed/demanded that she will be also at the hospital too. As she was with her other dgc.

I went to talk to SIL who said she was in and out every 5 mins during labour, going for smokes then actually started banging on window when she was actually giving birth so DH would come out and speak to her. He ignored her and MIL kept knocking.

MIL actually told me the knocking story too but said she was knocking on window as no one came out and told her what sex the baby was. She was quite bemused at this as to why they would be so inconciderate!

I feel i cant trust her to sit in waiting room so dont actually want her at hospital at all!

Also i dont want her grabbing baby when she is born stinking of fags.

I've spoken to DP last night about it and suggested NO one comes to hospital and then just have every one come to house when i get back some every one can meet her together.

The thing is MIL will be absolutly devostated if she cant come up, we are planning on not telling any body when i go in labour. She will freign the wounded puppy and make the whole birth about her. I dont know wether to tell her no one will be there before hand or just smile and nodd when she brings it up.

WWUD?

rrreow Tue 26-Feb-13 13:16:38

I didn't tell anyone. You never know how long it's going to take and you'll have enough worries without having to take into account how someone else is feeling. It's YOUR birth, YOU get to decide. If your MIL decides to be petty about it afterwards that is her problem, not yours.

Emsyboo Tue 26-Feb-13 13:18:33

Don't tell her and put in your birth plan and let midwives know you just want it to be DH and you they will hopefully stop her if they know she is not welcome and if it's the same rule for your parents it doesn't seem as bad.
No way would I want MIL near the labour suite! What does your DH think? Is he supportive?
I agree about letting her visit on the ward when my in laws came round after DS was born they wouldn't even let me sit down I had to find a deck chair as the lot of them arrived on mass and took all the sofa and chairs. Not ideal 2 days after giving birth and of course they expect you to cook them food and make drinks.
At least on the ward you are expected to wash your hands (will help with fag smell yuck!) and limited visiting hours!
Good luck she sounds a nightmare

Dogsmom Tue 26-Feb-13 14:22:25

I'm another who isn't telling anyone either and don't understand why anyone would want to? It's my first but I can't imagine sitting at home timing my contractions and thinking 'I'll ring so and so to tell them'.
What's the point?
It could be false labour or one that is going on for days.

I also don't want to stress people unneccessarily, they wont benefit from sitting around waiting for updates and my husband certainly wont benefit from having a string of texts and calls for updates.

Another thing is that I want a few hours of just me, my husband and my daughter, stress free, getting to know each other, it's a once in a lifetime thing and I can't imagine anything worse than having visitors turn up wanting to take her off me.

Kateliztmum2be Tue 26-Feb-13 14:43:38

i'm having a similar issue with my MIL.
She is very opinionated about things and rather than offer advice kind of tells you what is best!

I'm a long while away from giving birth but have already discussed with DH, it will just be us two together when the time comes.

Can your DP not have a word with his mother? perhaps coming from him it will be better received?

Labour can be stressful enough without having to worry about others who aren't really involved. I think you have to be strong in this instance and you and your DP need to stick together!

I hope everything works out for you, wishing you a safe and stress free arrival!

x

milkyjo Tue 26-Feb-13 14:59:52

I would make it clear from the start that people will be told after the birth and it will just be you and partner there - to avoid any sneaking around and covert operations which may lead to more stress and arguments afterwards (which with a newborn you don't really need). But then I've never had a problem with pushy parents or PILs. I think either way you need to make sure MIL is defo NOT in the room with you! Good luck xx

Kafri Tue 26-Feb-13 16:28:01

Another one who didn't tell anyone I was in labour. Was admitted to hospital the day before with high through the roof BP and didn't want visitors while I was in pain.

Had decided with DH, who was happy to go with my wishes, early on that we would keep it to ourselves until DC's arrival.

Called the grandparents once I was all cleaned up and had the obligatory tea and toast. DH called my mum and I called his. Was lovely to say 'Hi Grandma' to each when they weren't expecting it. Well, obviously they were expecting it at some point round about then but we hadn't told them we weren't telling anyone so as far as they knew i'd not gone into labour IYSWIM.

Neither were upset at not being told as they were too excited at having a new grandchild and wanted all the details about him.

So, don't tell them anything. Don't even tell them you're not going to let them know until there's a baby. Just keep quiet and make the call afterwards. She'll be excited to have a new baby around so probably won't bother being offended. and if she is offended, tell her it was a private time between you and DH and to p* off grin

I'm 9 weeks with our first and only a few minutes after telling the MIL she said, 'oooh I'm not going away in September now, I'll want to be outside that hospital with a flask!' It's not due until October 1st and the holiday was going to be 1st week of Sep! and why would she be outside with a flask? Basically she has assumed that we will tell her when it all starts hasn't she! I only want it to be me and H2B at the hospital during labour as I don't want to think MIL and FIL could 'pop in' any minute. I could be legs akimbo, pooped myself, anything!!! I want to have the baby with only H2B and MW, get cleaned up and try to feed before we tell anyone. I haven't spoken to H2B about it yet but rest assured, whatever he thinks, IT AINT HAPPENING LIKE SHE THINKS. I don;t like the thought of the pressure either, knowing someone is waiting in the same building to pounce on baby soon as it pops out. Trouble is, they only live about half hours walk from Hospital (they don't drive), so if they get wind we are there, they will turn up. Oh god, I know exactly how you all feel and I hadn;t realised until writing this how much I DONT WANT ANYONE TO KNOW until I'm ready.

I just know that nearer the due date, they will be all 'any news', 'let us know if anything starts' etc and we'll prob nod and H2B will feel guilty and tell her angry

rainand Tue 26-Feb-13 18:09:50

OP, I posted on your other thread, do not tell her. And if she gets upset later, just make an excuse up, but leave that to your DH to sort out.

34PinkLadyApple, start preparing your husband mentally to not tell her.

I just worry that my labour will be long and dh will need someone to vent/talk to (and hence may call his mother/sister). I'm having a discussion with mine today just to make sure we are both reading from the same page!

Kafri Tue 26-Feb-13 19:25:40

maternity units are very secure. my mw tokd me it was to keeo the babies in and the unwanted visitors out. You'll all get your time with baba as yiu can only have a limited no of people on delivery and any mw will gladly tell any extras where to go.
then on mat - certainly ny mat ward anyway - visiting was limited to an hour in the aft and an hour and half ib evening apart fron partner who could be there 12 -8. they were very very strict about it.

dont fret yourselves about it. honestly it won't be an issue. if you don't want to be the bad guy in it all then let the mw tell any unwanted visitors where to go.

rodandtheemu Tue 26-Feb-13 20:19:58

Thanks for your replies! I actually think im going to tell her when she next brings it up. Along the lines of '' my dm wants to go( she wouldnt dream of it) also so there wont be enough room for DP! so no one is going except DP.''

I actually thought it would be better having no visitors at all and just seeing them at home but as rockchick and emsyboo suggested it dawned on me i would be up and down like a yo yo at home!
confused argh!

I think im going to just go bed with baby too when I want them to go as my friend was gve birth at 6am and was allowed home that day and when she came home Fils sat there till 12 at night and had to get up with other dc at 7 for school!

Catchingmockingbirds Tue 26-Feb-13 20:23:47

Definitely stand your ground and tell her it is a very special moment for you and your dh and you don't want other people there, but to be safe you shouldn't tell her when you go into labour too just incase she decides to overrule your decision and come along anyway.

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