This is long - so apologies.
My oldest friend is under normal circumstances pretty bossy and opinionated but usually it doesn't bother me that much..
I am 7m pregnant now. She knows (or at least she WOULD know if she ever really listened to me!) that we delayed ttc for many, many years as we were worried about a) finances and b) passing on my DH's hearing loss to a baby. She did nag and nag me for years about why we weren't just having babies and never seemed to get the message that it was a difficult subject.
She also has a long history of being judgmental and opinionated about property matters. Despite the fact she comes from a very very wealthy family and can easily afford to live in a large house in a lovely area, she has never accepted the fact that - - er - we can't! We would have loved to have moved to a nice family home before even starting ttc but we could not afford to. We would love to move NOW to a nice family home (we currently live in a small 2 bed flat) but we are still saving and will not be able to move for another 6 months to a year. That is just life; we cannot afford to do anything else. She has gone on and one about what a 'mistake' we have made not moving before the baby is born and doesn't seem to get any hint that we could not do this (obviously I don't want to actually come out and say ffs, we can't AFFORD it, as I think finances are private things and don't want her stickybeaking any further into it).
She ALSO has a long history of being opinionated about baby-rearing methods: she used one particular method (won't say which one) and has said to me in the past not even all that jokingly that she would not let me and the baby come and see her if I don't use the same method as my child will be a horror if I don't do exactly what she did with her children...
Yesterday this friend upset me on the phone because she started asking where 'on earth' we were going to put the baby. I said of course the baby would sleep in with us for 6 months. Incredulous, she asked, 'seriously, you're not planning on turning your study into a lovely nursery with pink walls etc?" I said no, because I will need it to work for at least the next 2 months. She said, "oh, for god's sake, Emeraldgirl, you're so hopeless! Maybe I should temporarily adopt the baby and have her come and live with me until you sort yourselves out!
A hilarious 'joke'. I laughed it off (wasn't sure what else to do) but put the phone down as soon as I could and cried. It touched a raw nerve as part of me would obviously love to be able to provide more space and beautiful things for the baby; I know those things don't really matter but my friend really upset me as she honestly seemed to be saying that it was Bad Parenting not to have got a beautiful nursery all ready. I know that it's not, but it upset me nevertheless. I was also upset because I know I should have said something and I get depressed by the fact that she can be such a bully.
I had to see her today (couldn't cancel...) and she started on about schools - what on earth are we going to do about schools, because lots of schools need names putting down at birth (she has not even considered that we could not afford private or may well not want private even if we could!!!). I tried to put a stop to it by saying, "look, we just want to get this baby out healthy and safe and then we will think about next stages." This is very specifically an issue with me because I have been so worried about our baby being born hearing-impaired AND because I have general anxiety about other disabilities (I am generally a very anxious person and pregnancy has been hard in that regard. Again, my friend would know this if she ever listened to me). My friend laughed and said, 'oh, for God's sake, if it were up to you and your DH you would never get ANYTHING important done! You'll regret it when you don't get into any schools because you left it too late!"
Again I left as quickly as possible and came home.
Now I am thoroughly upset and fed up. I have always been the very best friend I can be to her, supported her through awful things in her own life such as divorce, and I feel completely bullied and belittled. I dread the moments like when she realises I am NOT going to use her child-rearing methods, as she is so critical. My other close (and nice!!) friends live abroad so it is hard to find anyone to rant moan at about this!!
She is in some ways a good person, she is very generous and buys lovely things for the baby and says she will help when the baby comes (oh, Lord, please no!!) and I don't think she has any idea she is being quite as insensitive as she is. She is however NOT a person you can criticise - the last time I told her I was unhappy with something she had done she didn't speak to me for almost 2 years (not an exaggeration). I have avoided her as much as possible since being pregnant but we are very old family friends and I can't just never talk to her or see her.
In addition I am struggling because I went to a concert with my friend today and her and her other friend kept asking if the baby was kicking to the music... telling stories about how their children always went berserk when loud music was played. I have told her how worried I am that the baby can't hear and yet she still kept asking. FWIW the baby WASN'T kicking to the music and now on top of all the other crap I am stressed about the deafness issue all over again.
Sorry for the rant :( I am just really feeling quite battered and bruised right now.
Does anyone have any advice for how to handle this in future? Anyone have a friend like this? Or would anyone mind just being nice to me because I feel so low right now?
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Please, can anyone tell me what to do about this? Nobody really to turn to.
33 replies
emeraldgirl1 · 05/01/2013 15:45
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