really need help form late potty training mums and please no nasty comments

[bumbly]

OK have posted a bit before on this and was accused by several mumsnet folk that i was totally incompetent basically because a 2 1/2- 2 3/4 year old back then was not potty trained

well one month to go to 3 and not potty trained

story

MIL had been secretly putting him on potty and then not telling me till i rang her and said he did pee pee on potty and she said oy yes he has been doing it with me! ok i thoguht ..leave it at that still not ideal as i should be teaching these things not mil..but little one sometimes sat and played on potty and peed and couple of times did poo

i was leaving it all to play by ear and letting my little one lead the way

one night MIL babysits and he poos a lot in nappy during sleep - they smell it i think and then mayhem

she screams at me when i return crying her eyes out saying lo has big psychological problem as not potty trained and angrily threateningly said i must train hin two weeks and etc etc and went tottaly bonkers on me

i was stunned ...i have no issue with lo pooing at night and don't know what potty training has to do with having a big poo at night

he also weed on my mil and i think because he was woken up and scare..never ever has happened wiht mne since was a newborn

i was told to ring health visitor and that this was a serious problem

i have no issue with potty training being late as mil and a lot of mumsnetters say

health visitor actually said i was being bullioed and laughed and said i was doing right thing to let little lead way

yes little one is now refusing to go in potty whereas was sometimes going before - only wants nappy

advice from mums who have had late potty trainers..how did you go about about it??

thanks for any advice

[activate]

1. I would ignore MIL and tell her to but out - it does not matter when and if you potty train - in Switzerland they don't and kids just start to use the toilets when ready
   
   
2. In UK we do tend to potty train - this won't IMO work as child led though
   
   if you want to potty train
   
   leave it a while till he's got over hig pain
   
   identify a clear week and go for it - on the potty every half hour, until he does somthing then treat or big whoop of excitement and then continually remind him "Do you need a wee? or poo?" and take him if he hasn't been

[poppy34]

Tell your mil in to butt out as sounds like age is making it worse. Sounds like you are going in the right direction and forcing the issue isn't going to help.

[poppy34]

And know two friends whose ds were over 3 when trained and took route other poster suggested (or picking a week and doing it).

[bumbly]

forgot to say whenever tried to put pants he immediately pees in them hence my feeling he is not ready

put them - he goes in room and pees - re put dry ones and he pees

fell bad he had to go through that!

[StealthPolarBear]

DS was 3 in april and still not potty trained
every now and again we try but we can ask every 5 minutes (literally) and he says no then wees on the carpet. He has on sensation of needing to go.
We got all excited the other night as I got him undressed for a bath then had to nip off and do something and I said (as I always do) don't wee on the floor, if you need a wee use the toilet. I came back 5 mins later and he was on the toilet But no more since.
3 is old but not that olf. Your MIL needs to butt out.

[StealthPolarBear]

"continually remind him "Do you need a wee? or poo?" and take him if he hasn't been "

But to me that's not potty trained - it's just careful timing. Is that what people mean? And how do we get from that to a child who tell s you when they need to go?

[StealthPolarBear]

and sorry OP you asked for advice about potty training - as you can see I don't have any

[charliesweb]

DD didn't wear pants until she was over 3 and DS2 (3 next week) is still in nappies. Both are very verbally articulate for their age and I think developmentally ready to wear pants. However, from my experience with Ds1 (wearing pants from 2 years 11 months) and DD2 it is easier and much less stressful to wait until they're ready. They won't wear nappies forever.

With DS1 we were much more proactive at encouraging him to use the toilet/potty and we had problems for a while with him pooing in his pants. DD chose when she was ready to start wearing pants and has been dry during the day and at night ever since.

My friend was told by her nursery to get her DD in pants by xmas (she was 2 year 6 months) which she did after 2 weeks of stress and recently she has regressed and is deliberatley weeing on the floor.
Your little one will be ready in his own time.

[MadameGazelle]

Hi there Bumbly, DS1 was 2.11 when he was potty trained - I had a couple of attempts that ended up with him back in pull ups within the day , however, deep down I knew that he wasn't ready - he couldn't say that he needed a wee or a poo, and also didn't say when he had actually had one in his nappy. I was starting to panic as he was starting nursery 3 days after his 3rd birthday and the time was getting closer and closer, but one day he got up and asked to go on the toilet and that was it - he was trained within 3 days, and also dry at night at the same time which was an unexpected added bonus.

Everyone was telling me to start training him at 2 years old and the pressure did get to me tbh, but now I realise that all children are different and some do take longer than others. DS2 is 2.7 and still in nappies and I am not going to train him until he shows that he is ready - he sits happily on the toilet every morning and night but with no pressure and until he says he wants to get off (sometimes 10 seconds, sometimes 3 or 4 minutes), and that's how I'll carry on until he reliably starts weeing in the toilet and understanding what he's doing.

In hindsight it was a lot less stressfull potty training DS1 that a lot of my friends found training their LO's at 18 months - 2 years - weeks and weeks of being housebound or dealing with wet clothes every time they went anywhere, and we also have the added bonus that DS1 is dry at night whereas a lot of their children may have trained early but at 4.6 they are still wearing pull ups at night, which I think stems from them being routined to going to the toilet but not understanding the natural urge to need and go to the toilet.

HTH - please don't stress about it, I think your MIL is being very unreasonable and bullying - it's your child not hers.

Also, to answer your question about how to start training - I would put your LO on the toilet (totally bypass potty altogether) every morning as soon as you get up and every night before the bath - no pressure, just lots of praise if he does somthing and lots of praise if he doesn't, he will get there eventually.

[StealthPolarBear]

And DS is dry at night too - weird

[IWillNotNeverEatATomato]

DS is 3.5 and we have only just potty trained him

well actually we are still not completely there - we went to a Christening today and he wet himself in the church

he just wasn't ready before, I kept trying to introduce it without success, and then he just got it

most of the books I have read say 3 is a better age to toilet train them anyway, particularly boys.

[Meglet]

We didn't crack it with DS until he was 3.4. I tried him at 2.6 (utter disaster, pee-ing every 15 mins), 2.9 (nightmare) and 2.11 (waste of time). We eventually tried again over New Year as we were at home a lot and he was finally able to go for an hour or so without pee-ing.

In short, he still had accidents every day until March, although they were usually late in the day when he was tired. We used the feel 'n' learn trainer pants when we were out and about to save the hassle of wet clothes but I still took him to the loo all the time. At the start of April it finally clicked and he's only had 2 accidents since. And the real stroke of genuis is that he has night trained at the same time and been in pants at night for 4 weeks now with no accidents .

Your MIL is bonkers.

If your DS isn't ready then he isn't ready. Try again in a couple of months and see how it goes.

[MavisGrind]

Bumbly my ds1 only decided to go into pants (his decision) at 3.2 and nearly a year later we still have the odd accident (this morning was the latest in fact) and he's definately not ready to come out of pull ups at night.

Your son will get it when he's ready - it's your MIL who has the problem. I agree with going straight on the toilet, loads easier in the long run. Hope you don't get too stressed about this (easy for me to say!)

[TeaOneSugar]

If I had my time again, I wouldn't think about potty training my dd until at least 3 maybe 3.5.

Your mil has really overstepped the mark, I would be furious.

[Wolfcub]

I didn't really bother trying with ds until he was about 3 1/4 and it still took a fair while. He just wasn't ready before and attempts to make him try just left him distressed, it wasn't worth upsetting him for. Ignore everyone else, do it when you and your child are ready.

[chegggersplayspop]

In the past I think people potty trained much earlier, but I don't think they were trained as such, it was just a matter of taking the child to the potty/loo at regular intervals so they would go at regular points. To me, potty trained is when the child knows they need to go and initiates it themselves.

Both you, and your child need to be ready for it - for me and my DS2 it was when he was nearly 3. At my DS's nursery most of them have gone through this as they have approached 3 - this is not late at all!!

I posted the bit below on another thread recently about my own experience (I killed the thread actually, but don't let that put you off )....

I posted on here 2 days into trying to get him trained from a wee perspective because I just couldn't see how he would get it from a wee perspective. There were no signs he needed a wee (no hopping, twitching etc) and he was just wetting himself all the time. I just couldn't see how he would get to 'know' when he needed a wee and he was getting frustrated by me asking him all the time. I was giving him a smartie every time he did a wee in the potty, but I really don't think this had any effect to be honest.

I found it was necessary to let him wee in his pants for the first couple of days because he quickly realised it was uncomfortable and I think this is what eventually taught him to look out for the signs. He went through these phases:

1. Wee in pants and not notice
   
2. Wee in pants, notice and pull off trousers and pants immediately (but not tell me)
   
3. Realise he was about to go and start to undress but not get to potty on time
   
4. Realise he was about to go, undress and dash to potty on time
   And finally...
   
5. Realise he was about to go (and show signs of needing a wee), tell me, and then we could get to potty or somewhere to wee with plenty of time
   
   I bought a second potty so I had one downstairs and upstairs so he could dash to it quickly when he needed to. I also, at the start, took him to the loo (without asking him if he needed to go) at frequent points in the day (before we went out, after he came in from being out, etc etc).
   
   We pretty much cracked it in a week and its been a really painless experience. I don't think it would have been like this if I had started any earlier though, it was important we were both ready for it (mentally).
   
   I can also recommend the No Cry Potty Training Solution book, which I used for a few tips.

[HSMM]

I am a CM and all children are different. Some are dry at 18 months and others are approaching school age. Don't worry about it. When your child is ready they will be toilet trained and dry, with only occasional/very rare accidents. I remember my mother hassling me about my DD from about 9 months old. She toilet trained herself at about 3 yrs old and stayed in nappies at night until she told me she didn't need them.

[cece]

What's the rush?
Why is your MIL and others so stressed about it?

Mine were both quite late and I intend DC3 to be the same.

I have just waited till they tell me they don't want to wear nappies anymore. Leading up to this I have occasionaly mentioned that when they are bigger they won't need nappies and will wear big boy/girl pants. Eventually they just say I don't want nappies anymore mummy and they then wear pants and use the toilet. Easy no stress involved!

I did the same for being dry at night as well.

Using this method DD was dry day and night by 3 and half. DS1 was dry day and night by 4 and three quarters. He took a while to be dry at night.

[compo]

Aw humbly sweetheart, your ds isn't late to potty train, training at 3 is fine
can your dp have a word with mil? Does she look after ds on her own for childcare reasons ? She's going to give him issues if she's not careful so may e avoid leaving him with her on his own if possible

[StealthPolarBear]

THANK YOU cheggers I have posted exactly that question! So feeling wet really does lead to looking out for signs
Trouble is...3 days of not going anywhere

[whydobirdssuddenlyappear]

Bumbly my DS didn't train till he was 3.5. And even then only once I stopped pushing him to do it and relaxed. He just wasn't ready before then. There's nothing wrong with what you're doing. If you haven't already, try reading this. It really helped me. Remember, it's a natural learning process your child will go through, just as he learnt to walk. You can't rush it. Ignore anyone who tries to make you do so.

[AnyFuleKno]

your MIL sounds crackers to say the least. Imagine making such a massive drama out of a poo. Your poor ds!

She is seriously overstepping her boundaries in putting him on the potty without your knowledge, and I would be firmly telling her that she has caused a setback here and she must follow your wishes. I'd then drop all mentions of potty training for at least a month or two and if you think he's ready, start from zero again.

[FiveGoMadInDorset]

Well for those concerned about lateness, DD was finally there in November last year when she was 3.10 months. A bout of constipation later and she uis stii in nappies at 4.7 months and under a paediatrician but not getting any better. So well done and pleasekeep fingers crossed that she may get there soon. DS (2 yesterday) tells me when he has pooed an takes his nappie off when he ash peed so a far easier prospect.

[chegggersplayspop]

Glad it helped Stealth, 3 days is still very early so don't give up hope! We had a couple of false starts before we got beyond the weeing and not realising stage anyway.

I don't really have a problem with the MIL trying the potty (other than her not telling you, which is a bit out of order as it undermines you a bit). We had a potty in the house from when DS was about 2 and would encourage him to use it from time to time to get used to it. So about a year before we 'trained' him, he was used to using a potty. Before we tackled the wees he had been using the potty to poo most of the time anyway without me training him as such. I think he just realised it was more pleasant to poo on the potty than have it squished in his nappy and then being upended to be wiped clean.

[DinahRod]

Ds did it at 2.1, dd at 3.4 (going against stereotype) quickly. Hwr, dd has has managed to go throughout the night without lifting, unlike ds, so there is definitely something to be said for leaving it longer.

What worked with ds and dd:

• talking about being a big girl/boy and wearing grown up pants and reading/talking about a gender appropriate book about using the potty (even though mine used the toilet from the word go because that's what they see dh and I use)

- dc choosing grown up pants - usually some tv character
- toilet step & toilet seat always in place
- going cold turkey and just putting them in pants when I knew we could spend 3-4 days in and around the house (didn't want to confuse them by going back to nappies when going out) and expecting lots of accidents the first couple of days - ds had 3 messy days and then just got it, dd 2.
- "never mind" when the inevitable accidents happened and a reminder to tell mummy

• turning it into a race to get to the toilet and having their own special soap (e.g. palmolive dispenser that looks like an underwater scene) and making bubbles in the sink - to make it fun. Would also sit down in the bathroom and have chats whilst they were on the loo to make it a nice time
• lots of praise and phoning saintly grandma to tell her all about it if there were any successes