DD scared of public toilets - hampering toilet training

[RosemaryWaterlow]

DD is 3.4 years and has been scared of public toilets (which can be anywhere - cafe, shopping centre, park, toddler group, museum etc) for a long time. Not sure why or when it started really, although I do remember her getting very distressed when I took her into a cubicle with me when she was about 18 months old and again when I had a to do a very rushed nappy change in train station toilets when she was about two.

It has got to the point when she won't even go through the doors into the washbasins/dryers bit of the toilets with me, let alone into a cubicle when I need to go. Luckily when we go out, we're often with other people so if I need to go I leave DD with them, rather than have her shake with fear and get very distressed if I try to take her with me.

We've been back-and-forth with potty training for about 6 months (sits on potty or toilet, but hasn't done anything yet; sometimes wears knickers indoors and has had a number of accidents). She's certainly physically ready as she can hold her wee for hours and is often dry overnight, but the genuine fear she has of toilets when we're out is really holding me back really going for it.

She just won't go into a toilet when we're out (I have tried...) and I'm worried that she'd rather wet herself rather than use a toilet when we're out. I do have a pottette, but she is a very tall 3 year old, so that's not really an answer as a young toddler might look cute using a potty in a discreet corner, but not a child who looks about 4.

Just don't know how to tackle it really. My DH says we should just concentrate on getting her toilet trained at home and going when she's out will fall into place, but I'm not so sure.

Thanks for reading this rambling post. Any ideas gratefully received! Going to bed shortly, but will check in tomorrow morning.

[girlywhirly]

I think that DH has a point. When DD is trained at home, you can work on using toilets everywhere else. I would let her use the potette out and about, if that will keep her dry. Ignore what other people think, you do whatever you need to. At least she will be able to hold on for long enough for you to find a discreet place. Now that summer is here you can go all out on the training and it won't be unusual to use the potette outdoors. It also won't be unusual to see lots of other small DC weeing in drains/on grass/on the beach etc.

A lot of DC are afraid of the loud electric hand dryers in public loos, some hate the lack of privacy, some hate any loo that isn't their own familiar one at home, some think they might get flushed away etc. How is your DD with enclosed spaces? Just wondering if she is a bit claustrophobic. I would do a very gradual desensitisation by offering a reward for just going into the wash basin area of the public loos without a fuss, then when she is used to that offer a reward for coming into the cubicle with you (but not using the toilet) although you could give an extra reward for using the potette in there. Graduate to a reward for sitting on the toilet even without doing anything, and eventually for doing something. If you want to dispense with the potette at this stage there are folding childs loo seats you could use.

[StupidTrombone]

Ds was scared of handdriers. What really helped was finding that our local Tesco had 'magic' toilets and sinks - the kind with a handsfree sensor thing that you wave near. Once he got used to going there he branched out and at 4 will go anywhere.

He's had a lot of issues with withholding eg after starting nursery or being ill. There isn't much you can do except try and be patient. Have you tried a little role play, teddy goes to cafe, has lots of drinks, goes to cafe toilet. Just to help her get used to the idea. Some children are just more sensitive to everyday things.

Does she go to nursery? I think getting used to the nursery toilets helped him get used to being away from our own bathroom.

[RosemaryWaterlow]

Thank you - some really good ideas here from both of you. I think I feel a bit more relaxed about it after reading your responses!

We're going all out with potty/toilet training from today. DD has been in knickers since she woke up (6.30am). She had one accident on the dining room floor this morning, but hasn't wee'd since, even though she has had plenty to drink. She is sitting on a towel on the sofa and the potty coming with us from room-to-room.

I did put pull-ups on over her knickers to go out though. She wanted just knickers (maybe I should have gone with it...) but I said she would have to try to use the toilet when we were out if she needed a wee. We were going to story time at a children's bookshop she is very familiar with. She immediately became distressed so I offered the pull up over knickers, which she was happy with.

The slight-claustrophobia thing has crossed my mind, but she is fine with going in lifts etc. I think it could be a combination of the sounds and the lighting is often a bit strange in toilets. I will definitely try the rewards for incremental progress - thanks girlywhirly.

She starts pre-school in September, StupidTrombone. I briefly mentioned the issue to one of the staff when we went for an open afternoon recently and they said that it is something they can work on with us.

[Rosa]

Another hand dryer dd here - she hated them with a passion and would scream if one went off when she was in a cubicle . Now at 5 if she sees a dyson one then we have to stay as long way as possible.
I also held her over until she became too heavy as it helped. Now I have the toilet seat covers - the paper things however if there is a big bowl or a disabled loo ( when its a shared one before I get flamed for going in a disabled loo) she hates them and will ask if there is a bush she can wee behind !!!