5yo DD pooed in the softplay

[mumfail]

Naturally I've name-changed for this as I am so incredibly embarrassed!

DD potty trained without any major problems at around 2.5/6 but even now still has occasional accidents where she just leaves it too late to go and then has to rush to the loo. Usually we'll have a day where it happens a couple of times but the rest of the time she's fine.

About a month ago, she did a poo in her knickers which fell out on her best-friend's bedroom floor - luckily her mum is cool and didn't mind, but I did as there's no excuse for that - she goes to this house once a week so it wasn't unfamiliar territory.

Then yesterday we were at a soft play centre and all the kids started pointing at a poo that had been left on one of the mats. Someone put a stool over it until staff could be found to clean it up and the kids were saying it was someone's little brother. About 10 minutes later, DD came out and asked me where the toilet was but said I only needed to show her but didn't need to stay (which is normal now she's at school), but being a place she doesn't know well, I said I'd just wait outside the cubicle.

Anyway, I glanced in to check she was ok and saw poo all over her knickers. She'd done more in the toilet, but it was suddenly very obvious it was her poo in the softplay. I hurriedly washed and dried her knickers before anyone came in and told her not to say anything (which she wouldn't as she was obviously even too embarrassed to tell me). And we got away with it. Of course I feel terrible for not owning up but I just didn't know what to say - it was so humiliating as I'd had no idea it was her when it happened. When we got home I noticed her socks were wet too and she wouldn't say why but I guess she'd wet herself somewhere too despite me constantly asking her if she needs a wee.

I really don't know what to do. The fact that she won't even tell me and just carries on playing is the most worrying part, but I also wonder if this could actually be a medical problem or is just down to laziness.

Please can someone help me do the right thing. I don't want to make it worse but we are always reminding her to go to the loo and she just doesn't. And please don't flame me for not owning up, I still feel terrible about this.

[scarlettsmummy2]

I would take her to the GP, there could be a whole host of reasons why she has started day time wetting and soiling.

[Linskibinski]

She's still little, accidents happen! Don't worry about it, I can't see any point in seeing the gp. Just put a couple of extra toilet trips in to your normal routine. Don't make a drama out of toilet ing or you really will end up with problems!

[Singlesuzie]

Without drawing any attention to the fact there is an issue i would start giving loads of positive praise for using the toilet, even a little treat each time she does, and extra praise for going to the toilet herself without having to be reminded.

[differentnameforthis]

If she is still having accidents you need to make her use the toilet, not just ask her if she needs to.

Not a bad idea to get it checked though, just to make sure..

[Singlesuzie]

And when she does have accidents, no disapproving looks or telling her off. Be matter of fact about it when you discover it and reinforce the idea that she uses the toilet next time. "Ok lets get you changed. And next time we're going to poo in the toilet arent we DD? And what do we get for pooing in the toilet? That's right a treat, good girl"

[mumfail]

I try not to be annoyed with her, but we'll say please can you try for the toilet before we go out/before you go to bed/etc and she will refuse and say "I don't need the toilet!". Then 10 minutes later will be rushing to the loo.
I also felt that me keeping quiet about the accident and telling her to was somehow reinforcing that it was something she should keep doing.
We had a bit of a giggle about it later when she was having a bath and tried to make light of it as she'd had a bit of a cry.
It's more the fact that she claimed not to realise it had happened and didn't tell me that I'm worried about. She's quite mature so I think offering treats might be more demoralising (that's what we're doing for her little sister at the moment after all). But seriously. She's 5! She shouldn't still be pooing in her knickers like that (I get that skids might happen!).

[Singlesuzie]

I also felt that me keeping quiet about the accident and telling her to was somehow reinforcing that it was something she should keep doing.

No , she will be aware that it was out of embarassment and was probably relieved that you said it.

My ds is just turned 5 and we have always had problems with pooing in pants rather than a regression and i just know that treats work with him. I can understand that DD might think she is too big for that now. Is there anything she might go for? Like promise of a certain trip to somewhere special but obviously wouldnt be able to go if she wsasnt able to use the toilet as the trip is just for big girls?

[iK8]

Firstly it's really normal at 5yo to still have accidents. Some children also find constant reminders to go to the toilet unhelpful because it can becone a battle of wills (there's not much you can control in your life when you're 5 but choosing when or if to go to the loo is one of them) and because it can also stop her listening to her body and getting to know when she needs to go and the difference between needing to go and being desperate.

What I would do is stop insisting she goes to the loo. Just completely stop mentioning it because it's not working now is it? What I would also do is always do a quick orientation for any new places along the lines of "let's just go and have a look where the loos are so we know if we need to go". I also say to mine "it's ok if you have an accident but you must tell me/your grown up. We won't be cross but we need to know." I do also say when we have the really needing the loo jiggle "dc, if you need the loo this is a good time to go because if you have an accident you will have to stop what you're doing to get cleaned up and that takes much longer than just nipping to the loo" and on bad days when dc is actually River Dancing instead of just going to the sodding toilet: "if you need to go then go. I can see you need to go so I will be cross if you have an accident because you leave it too late".

These things seem to go in phases where you'll get a bad week or a cluster and then it seems to sort itself out. Obviously if it's all the time then a trip to the GP is sensible.

I think you need to have a word with yourself about the embarrassment though. It's only wee and poo and she's only 5. It will get better but pressure does make it worse. A spare pair of knickers in your handbag, small pack of wipes and a nappy sack are discreet and will make coping with an accident easier - which will make things less stressful if it does happen.

[mumfail]

Thanks for the really helpful comments. I will try some of these suggestions - including the opposite of what we're doing by not asking her. I'm always saying that having an accident interrupts her play far more than nipping quickly to the loo but she just doesn't take it in.
And my embarrassment yesterday was at the reaction of the other mums there all turning their noses up and saying how disgusting it was. Cos of course their precious DC would never do such a thing!!!

Thanks again - it's good to know she's not completely abnormal!

[midgeymum2]

Oh my goodness my 5 yo Dd had an 'accident' recently at soft play, luckily (?) was just a wee but copious amounts of it! Same problem, she needed to go but was too busy playing and left it too late - she made it to the toilets but not to the actual loo and was completely soaked, shoes and everything. We were actually attending a party for a friend of 3yo dd2 and fortunately I had brought a change of clothes for dd2 so managed to strip dd1 and squeeze her into dd2 s teeny clothes and socks. Luckily there was only about 10 mins of the party left and I don't think anyone noticed (I did tell the staff and clean the toilet) but it certainly tests your problem solving skills eh? She wasn't really cross with herself and very embarrassed, to the point of tears so hopefully she won't do this again ! I didn't see the point in telling her off, she knows she made a mistake. And I'll never go out anywhere again without a complete change of clothes for both kids

[whotheduckisalice]

I just wanted to say poor you! You must have felt awful. I love how things like that would just never happen to anyone else... Can quite see something like that happening to my DD in future though!