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Join our Philosophy forum to discuss religion and spirituality.

Philosophy/religion

Fellow Athiests: How Do You Cope With Church?

48 replies

NotQuiteCockney · 29/10/2006 20:02

This is a problem that is only going to get worse, over the next few years.

I am an atheist. Never been religious, never been baptised, not interested.

I'm really not comfortable in churches. Partly because I'm worried I'll do the wrong thing, etc etc, but mostly because I don't like to pretend to be religious and do the singing, and the standing up and sitting down. But of course I don't want to stand out. Also, because I don't belong there, I am not religious, I should not be there!

Helpfully, DS1 is going to a church school. (I know! If there was a good atheist school available to us, he'd be there. There isn't.) So I will be going to more services soon.

Should I just mouth the words? Sing them? (I don't know the tune! I don't know the words! And I'd feel such a fraud, anyway!) Aaargh.

The whole thing just annoys the aitch-eee-double-hockey-sticks out of me, tbh.

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Tinker · 29/10/2006 20:04

No, I affect an expression of detachment and bemusement with my mouth clamped shut.

NotQuiteCockney · 29/10/2006 20:05

Really? Doesn't your face get tired?

I was at a blessing/naming thing today, and I found myself mouthing the words I didn't agree with, and saying the ones I did ... gah ... too much like hard work ...

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Tinker · 29/10/2006 20:07

Well I usually am detached and bemused. Was raised as a Catholic so still take childish pleasure in rejecting it all. Don't fake it, that's daft.

albatros · 29/10/2006 20:08

I find it shocking that you are sending your DS to a church school when you are an atheist, you are prepared to inflict all this s**t on your son

moaningpaper · 29/10/2006 20:08

Don't say anything - and just sit through the service

People REALLY don't mind - they are just glad to see new faces

We often have 'visitors' and that's nice. It doesn't matter whether they "join in" or not - that's not the point. People aren't tutting. Most people are too wrapped up in their own thoughts to give a toss about anyone else.

(Unless you are in charge of an Unruly Toddler, in which case you will be tutted ;))

UnquietDad · 29/10/2006 20:10

Why is he going to a church school if you are an atheist? Not having a go, just interested. I'm sure there's a good reason.

NotQuiteCockney · 29/10/2006 20:11

Oh, I was in charge of an unruly toddler and an unruly 5-year-old today. But it was quite a nice church with a corner with toys and books. Granted, all the books were Biblical ... and to think I told DS1 he couldn't bring his Lego 10 commandments book with him that morning!

Seriously, albatros, I'm not thrilled about the church school, but it's quite moderate C of E, not bible thumpers or anything. And the UK is a religious state, so it's probably good that he get exposed to it, and get used to it, so he's not as twitchy as me about it all.

(It probably helps that DH went to quite a similar school, and was raised C of E, and is quite a relaxed atheist now ... he sings along, though.)

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NotQuiteCockney · 29/10/2006 20:12

UnquietDad, our local state school options are Not Good. And some of them are CofE, I'm sure. There's a local private school, but it's not great, and is nondenominationally Christian, which really means there are some bible thumpers in there anyway ... the C of E school he's at is very nice, very very good, lovely atmosphere. I just wince and cope with the C of E bits ...

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foxinsocks · 29/10/2006 20:13

why are you going to church though?

even if he does get in, surely you don't have to go to church?

NotQuiteCockney · 29/10/2006 20:13

(And yeah, I resent the complete and total absence of non-religious private schools anywhere near me! But that's not DS1's schools fault, and they're quite clear about the fact they're a church school and not going to change ...)

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jasnDISMemBERED · 29/10/2006 20:14

I have a buddhist friend who comes to a church toddler group and sings "Thankyou for ...toddler groups name " at the end of each session. Most people don't notice, and no one is offended.

I am an athiest but was brought up cofe so I do know the words and tunes. I actually like some hymns and still sing them, but others I stand, and fake it. (At least 1/2 the congregation does this for one reason or another, so you wouldn't be alone)

I don't pretend to believe, and don't say the prayers etc, just sit and stand according to everyone else. I think it would be better not to go at all than to go and be direspectful.

NotQuiteCockney · 29/10/2006 20:14

I'm expecting there will be singing in the church or other school events there? The church is their school chapel.

And I was in church today for a nephew's naming ceremony. I end up in church for weddings and funerals, too.

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foxinsocks · 29/10/2006 20:14

I was at a church school as a child (for several years - and sang in the church choir) - I went to a funeral recently and realised I can recall verbatim the entire communion service

loads of people didn't know the words though so I'm sure you could just sit there and read the Book of Common Prayer (or whatever it is called!)

fishie · 29/10/2006 20:15

i have to go occasionally for work and have even had a minor performance role a couple of times. if you go to the same service (they have different ones at different times) you will very quickly get the hang of what to do. i wouldn't choose to go but do find it sort of soothing, if rather boring. and you'll become part of the community really fast, which is presumably the aim here.

NotQuiteCockney · 29/10/2006 20:15

I don't want to be disrespectful! I don't have anythiing against religion or religious people! I just don't want to be dishonest.

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NotQuiteCockney · 29/10/2006 20:16

Oh, no, don't think I'll be joining any community. That would be too weird.

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foxinsocks · 29/10/2006 20:16

NQC, was it you that I chatted to on here (ages ago) about your boy going to school with Z?

NotQuiteCockney · 29/10/2006 20:17

Yes, that would be me, I think. Z being the year above, right?

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NotQuiteCockney · 29/10/2006 20:17

(I know, it's not a "church", the school chapel, exactly, is it ... eeep. I've never been in, yet.)

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foxinsocks · 29/10/2006 20:17

not sure but we both knew the mum

is this the school you are talking about?

NotQuiteCockney · 29/10/2006 20:18

Yes, that's the school.

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NotQuiteCockney · 29/10/2006 20:18

When we toured, I asked the headmaster if they included evolution. DH was quite .

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sfxmum · 29/10/2006 20:19

i was brought up catholic in the seventies and one parent was very very left wing well fastest route to atheism. happy with it and will do my best for my daughter to attend a secular school at least at primary level.
having said that I LOVE all the pomp and ceremony of proper catholic church all the incense and the more Latin the better. i go along a couple of times of year for that alone

do as you see fit really i am more worried about indoctrination of little ones

jasnDISMemBERED · 29/10/2006 20:19

If you're only going to services for school events anyway, surely you won't be the only non believing parent there?
Didn't mean you were planning to be disrespectful (sorry)just that imo the sitting/standing bit is the bare minimum so as not to stand out.

harpsichordcarrion · 29/10/2006 20:20

oooh good question.
personally, at weddings, funerals, christenings, harvest festivals with little playlets in them and the many hundreds of church services I seem to end up going to, I sing the hymns with great enthusiasm but I don't say the prayers or repeat the cathecism or anything like that. I don't mind the singing - after all I sing a lot of church music for "fun" and to entertain others, and I see it as appreciation of art and also courteous.

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