Vicious rumours coming from someone I used to go to church with!

[nearlythree]

Dh told me a couple of weeks' ago that he'd been tipped off a rumour was going round our village that he is having an affair. I know this isn't true. Both of us and the 'other woman' (a mutual friend) felt very awkward about this - I know it will have reached the mums at school by now and hate picking up dd1. Anyway, last night dh found that the rumour was started by a man I used to go to church with! He and his wife still go and she is both secrtary to the PCC and chair of the school governors! I am so angry.

We think he started these rumours because he saw our friend waiting for dh outside the pub, she works there and was giving dh a lift home. What this man doesn't know is that her dd plays with our dds, she doesn't know very many people with young children here and sometimes she brings her dd for tea or we meet up and take the dcs out together. She gives dh a lift as a way of saying thank you. In fact I have asked her to be ds' godmother.

His motives can only be malicious. Our friend's dd is 1 and our children are all under five. What did he think would happen if I or our friend's dh had heard these rumours and believed them? The lives of four children could have been ruined. (Btw dh spoke to her dh as soon a she heard and he was furious too, and obviously doesn't believe it.)

I am so angry. I am sure he has told his wife although I don't know if she's repeating it too. I really want to stop him and show him how pathetic he is. I have thought of ringing our parish priest and telling her, notifying the school, and of course going rounfd there and having it out with them - they only live a few doors away. I really need to do something.

But should I really be turing the other cheek? Dh says let it go...(think he intends to have words with him next time they are in the pub...)

[MaryBS]

I don't think I could let it go. I also don't think you should assume that what is heard on the "grapevine" is necessarily true either - things can get distorted. I would start by talking to your priest, see what she advises. In the meantime, you can 'disprove' the rumour by openly demonstrating your friendship with "the other woman". That would probably be one of the easiest ways to dispel the rumour.

Whether or not you confront the 'perpetrator' depends on what sort of person you are, and what they are like - whether it could be resolved amicably.

Whatever you do, I think its worth getting to the bottom of the matter, and possibly the only way that can be done is to speak to the people who 'started' the rumour.

I hope and pray you can get this sorted - I know you don't need this sort of grief.

[ilovecaboose]

Do you definately know that it has come from them? If so I would confront them and point out how much hurt and humiliation it has cost you, your dp and friend.

HOwever I would be tempted to let it go after that. The more you speak to people about it the more it will get around and fan the flames so to speak. Ignore it and hopefully it will go away. Hold your head up high and pretend nothing has happened and it will be last weeks news soon enough.

It must be upsetting though.

[nearlythree]

Thank you for your replies. We haven't changed our relationship with our friend, although she was so mortified that at first she offered to stop meeting up. She will definitely be our ds' godmother. I feel so sorry for her, the woman always comes out of this the worst.

Dh was tipped off by someone who goes in the pub - not a particular friend but someone who has been on the receiving end of the gossip too. From him dh found out that half the village knew of the rumour, and who was repeating it (our friend's dh's bil, believe it or not!) Dh saw that man last night and he told dh who started the rumour off, and someone else told dh this was true. All sounds so pathetic written down but it's really hurtful esp. in a small place like this.

Mary, you are right we don't need this, although I don't doubt dh at all - he didn't deny anything because he didn't need to. But it's just something else to get stressed about.

My instict is to talk to the wife. I thought we were friends of a kind, she was confirmed with me so would be surprised if she is muck spreading but I bet she knows. Really want to tell our priest too though, but probably not for good motives!

[ilovecaboose]

not nice at all. Glad you haven't changed your relationship with your friend.

Try and rise above it - but easier said than done.

[Marina]

Actually, I would tell the priest, if he is the sort of person who is good at discouraging gossip.
If he is seen to be on good terms with both your families it's a prompt to the congregation that he is not listening to rumours.
Sadly just because someone is a regular churchgoer or even on the PCC does not make them a nice or an honest person IME. So glad you have not let this spoil your developing friendship with the other couple.
Jealousy is often the basis for this sort of rumour-mongering

[nearlythree]

Hi, Marina (I used to be ionesmum - don't know if you remember me - nice to see you ).

I know only too well that being on the PCC doesn't make someone nice, dh and I have left our church in part because of a PCC meeting I attended, I'd written a report into provision for the under-fives and said we needed safe areas for children to play and some kind of structured activity for the. I'd left dd1 with a temp of 39 to go to the meeting. Anyway, all the women on the PCC went for me, belittling everything I said. 'Why can't children be bored in church?' 'I want my children sat in the pew with me, not off with their friends.' 'No-one wants these ideas, you just want what is good for your children'. In the end every time I opened my mouth they laughed. I got no support from our priest - a woman - even though I'd written the report at her instigation. I quit that night and haven't been back since.

Think you might be right about the jealousy, dh is very popular in the pub and our friend is quite attractive.

I am going to have another talk to dh, to see if he'll agree to me ringing the priest - even though we don't go to church any more she keeps in touch. But at the end of the day it's dh's call as he's the one whose reputation is being slurred, not mine.

[HumphreyComfreyCushion]

I honestly think the best thing to do would be to ignore it.

Your family and the family of this friend should go places together, so everyone can see what great friends you all are.

Churches are the perfect breeding ground for gossip, IME. If you confronted anyone, they would probably only deny it.

If you attempt to tackle anyone about the rumours, it will only prolong the issue, and give them something else to say about you.

I can't see the point of going to the priest - their remit isn't to sort out who is or isn't spreading gossip - if it was, they'd never get anything else done in a country parish!

Brave it out, and the village gossips will soon move on to someone else.

I know it will be hard, and you must be really angered and humiliated by these stupid rumours, but try not to sink to the level of these people who have nothing better to do than meddle in other people's lives.

They are childish and petty.

Show them that you are not.

[ready4motherhood]

I think that it should be in the remit of the Priest to stop so called religious people from treating others in this way. It is not a very Christian way to behave. I can't believe that "churches are a breeding ground for gossip" that is sick!!

I'm disgusted that church goers would behave this way.

[nearlythree]

Thank you both for your support. I suppose I want them to realise that they could have wrecked my childrens' future - ds is only 5 mo for goodness sake. Our dcs and myself have all been really ill this yr esp. dd2 and dh is the rock of our family. They must know at least a little of how hard things have been for us. It's not very Christian of me but I want to see if they (or he, to be fair - not sure how involved his wife is) would dare to go to church knowing that the priest is aware of what he has done. And I also want them to wonder who else knows how sick he is, just like I have to wonder who thinks my dh is a cheat every time someone stops to talk to me.

[Marina]

Ionesmum, sorry to hear you have been so unwell this year, and the children too. Hope you are all feeling better now.
And rotten luck about your horrible-sounding PCC. Ours was riven with factions (mostly over the ordination of women) but there was less gossip than is the norm of the C of E, I think
Our current church is five families and lots of old ladies and it works much better as a mutually kind and supportive community, I think.
I am really surprised to hear any parent of an under-five opposing a properly organised way to get their offspring out of most of the service! We were counting the minutes until dd could start Sunday School with her brother this autumn, hurrah! No more retrieving her from the Lady Chapel, the organ loft, wedged head-first behind the prayer-stool etc.
Congratulations on the birth of ds and sorry all this misery at church has clouded your happiness and baptism arrangements XXX

[ready4motherhood]

Nearlythree... I say talk to your priest, if only to have someone "objective" to advise you. That is what a Priest is there for! IMO!

Don't you worry about your thoughts "not being Christian" - you are behaving impeccably under the circumstances. I would have confronted then about it!!! You are handling it well. But they shouldn't be able to continue to spread malicious lies about people, and people need to know that they are doing this! they are the ones that are not Christian!

All the best.

[nearlythree]

Marina, thank you, ds is a darling, so funny and placid. How are you?

It is amazing that any parent doesn't want their children to get anything out of going to church, isn't it? They pride themselves on being 'child-friendly' because they are happy for children to run around (except of course not everyone is 'on message' about that one) but if I want my kids to run around I take them to the park. In church I want them to experience God! The services are 'all-age' which in practice suits older primary aged children very well but is too much for little ones and patronising to teens. A good friend of mine was complaining that her dd gets bored but says she won't change because she enjoys it herself, which seems counter-productive to me. We occasionally worship at the village Baptist church, we aren't going to join and they know that but are so welcoming and have a Sunday club for all ages. They have a new pastor who is herself a mum, we haven't been to one of her services yet but will soon.

ready4motherhood, thank you, it is kind of you to be supportive, I hate the way these people have made me feel, I'm not normally so angry or someone who wants to get my own back.

In fact, thank you all for believing in my dh.

[MaryBS]

We believe in you, and you believe in your DH, thats enough for us!