'Born-again' brother coming for Christmas - what to do? (long, sorry)

[Sophiev73]

My brother is coming to stay over Chrsitmas and I need some advice on what to think about it all. He was always rather difficult when we were growing up and was frequently moving to the 'next big thing'. About 10 years ago he became 'born again' (for want of a better description) and for a few years was, frankly, unbearable. He spent a lot of time criticising our lovely parents for never challenging their deeply-held Catholic faith and his own church, the 'Exclusive Brethren' were clearly the only right-thinking people on the planet. He has since moved to New Zealand hwere he now evangalises on the street and is leading many church groups. I am obviously pleased that he has found that which makes him so happy and fufilled, but the family schisms which have been created by it worry me. He used to tut when I swore or blashpemed, and was so abusive of other faiths that my mother refuses to have him stay with them over Christmas which is why he, his wife and young son will stay with us. He also has very different parenting views to my own. How should I handle this situation? Should I tackle him about things as they arise or just keep schtum for a quiet life? Has anyone got a similar experience they could share?

Thanks for taking the time to read this!

[Pruni]

Message withdrawn

[Pruni]

Message withdrawn

[Sophiev73]

Thanks Pruni, I know I should get into the Bible discussion, but my experience is that you can get the Bible to prove pretty much whatever you want it to prove... You're right about the blaspheming. Perhaps I'm just expecting it all to go wrong...

[Sophiev73]

Yep... if you know any good jokes for this situation, sling 'em here!

[PrettyCandles]

I'd say keep away from all Bible discussion. Go no further than "I respect your faith and your choice, but please, in the interest of family harmony and brotherly love, respect my choice as well." And bite your tongue.

It's really sad when families break up, but particularly so when it's over a matter of faith - and don't most of our faiths place great importance on respect and love within the family? To my mind, those of us with more relaxed views have to take responsiblity for maintaining the family bonds.

[Sophiev73]

Good point Prettycandles, I do consider it my responsibility to maintain links between my brother and my parents, although I get annoyed when my mother can't forget the past and my brother won't consider flexibility... We meet up so infrequently, do you think I should take this opportunity to discuss these very importnat things, or just let it slide, be pleasant and leave it to stay the same?

[sorrell]

Oh blimey...run! Sounds awful. Huge sympathy.

[Pruni]

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[Issymum]

My family has had a few schisms in its past (parents had a very messy divorce when we were young adults) and we found that it took years of being polite, being kind and generally applying a social sticking plaster, before the wounds had healed enough for any of us to feel that it was safe to talk about the bigger issues. I know that this may sound like classical British repressed emotion, but outside the skewed world of Reality TV, it is sometimes better to wait a while, a long while, before confronting past pain.

[expatinscotland]

How about laying a few ground/house rules, and if he feels they're unworkable, offering to find him alternative lodging.

I agree w/cat, and would mention, 'For the sake of the childrens' enjoyment of the holiday', I'd like to establish some rules.

In writing.

Give him a copy.

Come to an agreement.

Then post them somewhere public in your home and gently remind them of the agreement you have for an enjoyable holiday.

No, I wouldn't keep schtum, b/c it shows my kids that it's okay for those closest to me to disrepect the values of the home we have. NOT ON, IMO.

[Issymum]

I should add that you can still be kind and polite but point out gently and firmly how irritating it is to have someone else make negative comments about how you choose to parent your children or your religious choices!

[PrettyCandles]

Let it slide, let it slide. My aunt taught me a very valuable 'mantra':

He's saying this because he has a problem.
His problem is nothing to do with me.
Therefore what he is saying is nothing to do with me.

It really helps.

One thing I would insist upon, though, is that he respect you and your dp as heads of your household, and not criticise you in front of your children. BAs are often very respectful of authority, and this is the one point on which I would stress your authority in your own home.

[expatinscotland]

I agree, PC, I'd make it clear that some respect for our home's values was in order.

That goes w/o saying, but as your bro doesn't seem to see this as a boundary, it needs to be clear to him that it is.

[MaryBS]

The main thing is he doesn't criticise you in front of the children OR seek to instruct the children without running it by you first.

If you start trying to preach tolerance by using the bible, he'd probably quote something like the devil using the bible for its own purposes (I've had that thrown at me before now!)

Good luck - it sounds like you'll need it!

[Sophiev73]

Thank you everyone - although I'm not exactly dreading it, his visit has put a new perspective on the 'Season of Goodwill' so I'm going to make like Tiny Tim...

[fairyjay]

You must talk before the visit.

[fairyjay]

And then you can all have fun at Christmas.