Happiness, worry and anxiety, also stressful job .

[Perplexedaschips]

I have written this here rather than in mental health as I don't think my problem is serious enough to warrant actual treatment etc
It's more an emotional health/ personality/ happiness issue that I am wondering how to deal with.
I have an extremely stressful job. I suffer with occasional anxiety although the rest of the time I am happy and settled. I do have a mildly obsessive nature and have tested highly on the scores for highly sensitive personality.
I first noticed a mild anxiety when I had trouble settling my youngest child at school, some six or seven years ago. When I picked him up I had a feeling of dread until I saw he was ok. The rest of the time I was fine.
Now, I cope well with work and enjoy the challenge. When something very upsetting happens as it does in the nature of my job from time to time, it can stay with me and I feel upset and worried for a few days.
I am about to change jobs within my organisation. When I went into work yesterday to do some admin, I was worried I would see my previous boss with whom I have had a minor dispute over leave. When I went in, I felt very very nervous and anxious. I quickly did what I had to and left then at home felt ok.
I know my job helps me to grow and develop personal skills and am overall more confident than before I was in my ft job, but how to deal with these bouts of nervousness, tendency to take things to heart and worry.
Do I just distract myself and try to see the bigger picture, or am I fundamentally unsuited to such a stressful and sometimes distressing job ?

Hoping for guidance as to what to do when I feel like this and how to become less nervous over the longer term.

[Perplexedaschips]

It's as if I would be blissfully happy retired in my garden, yet I know that over the longer term I would not be as fulfilled and maybe it as calm...the confidence of working makes me less anxious.

[Perplexedaschips]

Anyone?

[Perplexedaschips]

.

[cheapskatemum]

Hi Perplexedac, in my last job I was extremely stressed and started suffering from anxiety, whereas I never had before, so I can empathise. Is it possible to speak to an HR manager at work? If the stress is part & parcel of the job you do, which is how it appears from what you have said, your employers should have in place systems for helping employees to deal with it. To do any less is bad practice. However, I know from friends (ironically, particularly in the NHS) it can be professional suicide to own up to such feelings at work.

[Perplexedaschips]

I'm afraid so. You would get help but it would become generally known somehow, and since a lot of promotion in te nhs is by reputation and word of mouth it woud affect your prospects.

I don't think I am suffering with stress as such acutely. I thinkI am sensitive to things and get a bit anxious sometimes . I wonder how to minimise it.

[EmpressOfBedlam]

I have a book called Mindfulness in a busy world or similar and it has a relaxation/meditation cd with it. That really helped me and I am similar to you in that things stay with me and I take comments to heart and worry about them.

[ShutUpLegs]

I come from a long line of anxious women - I remember my grandmother being very worried about all sorts of things and I am noticing it increasing in both my mother and myself as we age. I also see the same traits in my oldest DD.

I am seen as someone who is organised and copes well with stress - and I am. Stress is not my issue - anxiety is. I am aware that I go through phases of feeling anxious and my sleep gets affected - often quite badly.

Sometimes its a flag that there is something specific worrying me - and if I am honest with myself I can pin point a dreaded phone call or something I haven't done that I know I should have done. Forcing myself to tackle that thing usually solves the anxiety.

More often, these days, there isn't one thing. I find I have to focus on my physical well-being - get some exercise, cut back booze, refocus on a balanced diet - and try a mantra of telling myself that fretting about general doom is counter-productive and unhelpful. Often its about making myself see proportionate risk - after our loft conversion, I got very anxious about the house falling apart and was getting obsessive about crack-checking and researching stress-loads in buildings. When I started losing sleep, I confessed my fears to DH who very practically took me though loads of pictures on the Internet about harmless cracks v bad cracks until I was able to restore a rationale view of it all. (I think he thought I was a loon but he was very calm and patient!)

I seem to be able to manage it like this - I guess it is a bit of the Mindfulness approach.

[thegreenheartofmanyroundabouts]

I've had a number of high stress jobs in the past and the job I have now has moments of high stress. It mostly comes out in dreams for me. I've found over the years that some things do help.

One is to have something to do outside work that I love. It used to be gardening. My garden is so small now that I have to find something else but anything that is creative seems to work. When I have a big stressful period coming up I get a creative project ready to go so that there is something to turn to.

Another is to have someone to talk to who is outside the situation. If your workplace offers confidential counselling it might be worth taking that up just to get started.

Keep healthy. Eat properly, take exercise, lay off the booze. Easy to say; harder to do.

As a Christian I pray and that covers practices like visualisation, meditation, daily review and sometimes shouting. Meditation and mindfulness might help. Vigorous weeding or pruning always makes me feel better.

If you are prone to worry then talking to someone about those underlying scripts may help address that. At least if you recognise them you can spot a worry patch and get some other strategies into place (dig the veg patch, take the dog for a walk, make a jumper)

Hope that helps.

[Perplexedaschips]

Shutuplegs, can relate to your experience. I also cope well with stresses and am a ' coper' . However extreme stress can affect me, such as traumatic experiences at work.
I am not always good at looking after number one.
I get anxious about certain things.. The dc having accidents, arguments or conflict in the family,worrying about being badly thought of, letting people down.usually about someone being hurt.
I was recently on holiday and felt completely worry free. Back home the worries returned.
All my life I have had a tendency to scan my mind thinking what am I worried about today...sometimes it's just where to park at a new place, sometimes it's about the dc going out .
Oddly at other times I can be in an extremely stressful situation and be completely calm. I also don't stress over a lot of things others do....bills, deadlines etc.
I think starting a new job is bothering me.

[Perplexedaschips]

I find work hard in that it pushes you to your limit physically and mentally.

[OneEggIsAnOeuf]

A few people have mentioned mindfulness, and if you can put the effort in to establish a regular practice it would be ideally suited to what you are experiencing. There is some information here, and this book has the complete course and CD. It is more than meditation - it explores the feelings of anxiety and dissipates them. I have found it life changing.

I have quite a severe anxiety disorder that includes social and health anxiety. It means i can't drive, go into shops on my own, answer the phone etc. If someone has toothache i think they are going to die. I gave up my career as it was a massive contributory factor to my anxiety. I'm telling you this for two reasons.

Firstly, after the initial relief of giving up work i found that the anxiety was just transferred to things at home, and i found what should have been fairly pleasant low stress jobs that i was doing instead just as anxiety-inducing as my far more challenging career. If you have an anxious disposition it will always find something to latch onto unless you deal with it.

Secondly, some anxiety is perfectly normal but it can worsen over time and becomes a problem when it starts to influence your behaviour. The behaviours (like avoidance) become patterns that are then hard to break. If you can tackle it before it gets out of hand it will be much easier to cope with. Mindfulness has helped me enormously and while i am still anxious i can deal with it instead of it controlling my whole life. The other thing that works for me is yoga - i have a daily practice and the combination of exercise, releasing tensions and meditation is very transformative.

[Perplexedaschips]

Very useful post oneegg thanks.
Initial thoughts are I agree that reducing stressors doesn't always help. I am v proud of my work, and the fact it is recognised as stressful gives me pride that I can cope. Ultimately I may move a little sideways to tone it down a little but it is a great source of pride and development for me.
I went on holiday and felt initial relief and happy...but as you say that was soon replaced by coming home and getting anxious about being not at work(?) and then being behind with visiting the dentist.
Small things t.ake up my anxiety and attention whereas when at work I plough through everything feeling a lot more on top of things.

It's odd because people say I am very calm, and indeed I am very calm with every day things and with emergencies, but inside, I have my own mental list of worries. As you say, often something I have out off and then find it hard to get done( avoidance)

Well read again later, have to go out but thankyou very much

[Perplexedaschips]

Put off

[Perplexedaschips]

I am very impatient and find relaxation quite hard. I am always on the go.
However, to act now about finding positive ways to reduce anxiety will help me for the rest of my life...healthy or unhealthy choices.
I am 50 so this could be a turning point .

[Perplexedaschips]

On the plus side I don't drink or smoke.

[OneEggIsAnOeuf]

It's generally the case that the people who need to learn to relax the most are the ones who find it the hardest to do!

Mindfulness is good because (once you have learnt the basic techniques) life becomes a meditation. You can be washing up, walking, doing the shopping - you don't have to sit there with your eyes shut for hours. It is helpful to think of relaxation and certainly meditation as doing rather than doing nothing. You are actively engaged in a process.

[EmpressOfBedlam]

oneegg I totally agree and I can feel work anxiety creeping back in as the holiday draws to a close so I am going to get back to the cd and book.
Thanks!

And good luck with the cd and book OP, it really does work.

[ShutUpLegs]

I think the anxiety over the little things (dentists or kids fighting) are a lightening rod for the bigger stresses of life. If I actually sat down and thought about what I am actually responsible for at work from a legal perspective and the number of contracts that have my name on them as the responsible person, I would sit down and weep. In some ways, that stress is so big I can't get anxious about it so my brain chooses other smaller things to get anxious about instead. Those things are more manageable so that is why they come into focus as being an issue.

Finding a positive cycle of reinforcement is useful - usually doing the thing I am putting off is not as bad as I'd feared or the client meeting I have lost sleep over nearly always is perfectly calm and reasonable. I try to keep that reality in focus and not let myself get sucked into downward spirals.

[EmpressOfBedlam]

That is so true shutup about the thing you lose sleep over being perfectly reasonable once you actually get to it.

[Perplexedaschips]

I went out for a walk to the sea to entertain ds and do something positive. It's hard for me sometimes to enjoy myself. Yet when I was away on holiday I was in heaven and felt happy...there was however, literally nothing to worry about.

Even from being a small child I loved being driven around by my dad and feeling so safe. I even like it when a friend is driving/ entertaining me at her house. But I am the one who is responsible for making everyone feel safe now. It may not be helping that my dh is not the most supportive and I basically take care of the house, cleaning, money, holidays, children, childcare,paperwork,cooking , buying food.

I need to focus on goals and keep perspective and stay positive.
I will check the links, thanks. Sometimes I wonder if I do need a clinical psychologist etc to find out what the ' problem' is.
When my children were small I felt happy.

[Perplexedaschips]

The way I see it , I have a choice in this as well. I can choose to become the person I want to be
Leader
Not a complainer
Inspiring
Kind
Organised
Knowledgeable
Positive
Confident
Hard working
Encouraging
Achieving
Sociable

If I have learnt anything from some of the challenges of the last few years its that you must focus on goals to achieve each step of the way.
If I feel sad and worried inside, I could use all the tools life has taught me, to overcome this phase and move forward or I could complain, comfort eat, turn to drink etc...but that would all end in destruction.

Life isn't easy, we have to make choices.

[OneEggIsAnOeuf]

Just a quick thought on your comments before i hit the hay.

It is fine to focus on goals - we need to sometimes, but just be aware that you don't become too attached to them. Once we have achieved a particular goal we move fairly instantly onto the next one. It is important to be aware of the things that make us happy right now and to not lose sight of these things striving for something that will give us a transient happiness in the future.

[EmpressOfBedlam]

Good list! I think that sorting one or two of them will automatically sort the rest eg if you sort hardworking and leader you will therefore already be achieving, confident and knowledgeable IYSWIM.

And good point egg.

[BusyBusyBusy1]

I relate to a lot of what OP and others have said. Have always been an anxious person, but also on the outside appear very calm and confident! Anxiety only seems to relate to certain things while other issues which could generate anxiety, I am completely fine about. For me it is generally related to the responsibilities of work.
I found CBT helpful, particularly using distraction and the technique of writing down my worst fears and rationalising why they were unlikely to happen. But it is also useful to acknowledge that the worst case scenario COULD happen, and realise I would survivive it. Also, as others have said, exercise, and for me, getting out to socialise with others.
One thing I found useful was to assess where my strengths and weaknesses lie ie what do I enjoy doing and what do I not enjoy. Based on this I have actively chosen to no longer do certain activities at work but have really developed the other areas. This isn't avoidance - it is actively going with what I am good at. For years I had the feeling that if I found something anxiety provoking I should just do more of it, which obviously made me perpetually anxious. I read in a book that if there is a task that you don't have to do, you can choose not to do it and that is fine. So, for example, if I don't like walking on high narrow mountain paths, I just choose not to include that in my holidays anymore, or plan a route that doesn't involve them.
Asking around, anxiety is so common, and as others have said, definitely seems to run in families. One good thing is that I have become very sensitive to anxiety in other people, so hopefully have become a nicer and more empathetic person too.

[ShutUpLegs]

Perplexed You are so right about the partnership balance!

For 5 years, DH was the main breadwinner while I was with the babies and I loved it. I absolutely loved being a SAHM and developed loads of new hobbies, sewing and gardening and baking and just adored it.

Now, with hindsight, I realise that it was a soap bubble and that as lovely as it was, I was sort of sticking my fingers-in-my-ears and chanting LALALALA. All the big anxieties were sitting with DH who crashed and burned after those 5 years and for the last year, I have gone back to work full time and felt that burden settle back onto my shoulders. My anxiety levels have gone back through the roof.

We still don't have the balance right and he needs to pick up the slack somewhere and we are working on that. I think to need to think about your DH and what he is doing. He can not be allowed to be not supportive - that is not fair.

I acknowledged that leaving DH to do it all wasn't fair then and him leaving me to do it all now is also not fair. He is back on his feet and now needs to chip in with the domestic side if he is no longer providing the top level income. And after a fairly acrimonious anniversary meal out, he held his hands up to that.

On the plus side, I am much more confident now that I am earning again and I do enjoy the work. But I can't take care of everything - and when I try to, that is when the anxiety begins to leak back in.