The vicar has asked me if I want to be confirmed. What's the most polite way of refusing?

[Meglet]

We've been going to the same church a few times a year for 7 years now, mainly to kids services plus Easter and Xmas.

The Vicar has suggested I attend a pre-confirmation meeting to aim to wards being confirmed later this year... but I really don't want to. I've got no interest in it and I have no idea how to diplomatically say thanks but no thanks.

I'm crap at things like this. How offended will they be if I turn them down?

[Clobbered]

"Thanks for asking. I don't feel ready for that yet, but I'll certainly give it some thought". "I'm just not comfortable with the idea at the moment" etc.

There's no reason for them to be offended or to push you to do this if you aren't comfortable. If they do, then I'd find another church - they're not exactly thin on the ground!

[AMumInScotland]

I'd guess they'd be mildly puzzled but not offended.

If you don't want to be confirmed, just say No thanks, I don't feel that's the right thing for me at the moment.

But... why go to church if you don't believe in it, and why not say publicly that you believe in it if you do? None of my business, but worth having a think about it yourself, as the vicar might (hopefully politely) ask something similar.

[joanofarchitrave]

Blimey, are there many vicars who ask why members of their congregation come to church? No one's ever asked me

[Meglet]

muminscotland I like the stories and the morals behind them. I can't even say I go for the community because I don't have much in common with most of the people there, they're lovely though . I have ASD so I struggle with church but I think it's good for the kids too.

clobbered thanks, I'll try and phrase it like that.

I'm so crap with confrontation .

[Tuo]

Meglet - I'm sorry that you've been put in a difficult situation by this. I'm sure that your vicar was trying to be helpful, but I can see why it has made you feel uncomfortable. Please be assured, though, that it's perfectly fine to say, simply, 'Thank you, but I'm not interested at this time' or words to that effect. Rest assured, too, that having said 'No thank you' you will not be any the less welcome. (My mum for instance came from a Methodist family and went to a Catholic school, but has attended an Anglican church - on and off - for most of her adult life. She has never been confirmed and doesn't go up for communion. As far as I know no-one has ever questioned her about it. It's entirely her decision to do what she is comfortable with.) Churches are open to all - there's not an entrance test and it's perfectly fine to come along for the stories, or hte community aspect, or the singing, or the coffee and biscuits afterwards for that matter... Please don't see saying 'no thank you' as being confrontational: you are just being honest and your vicar will respect that.

Joan - Asking if Meglet would be interested in being confirmed is very far from asking why she goes to church. I suspect that the vicar saw it as an invitation to find out more/become more involved, to someone s/he sees regularly enough to assume some level of interest. Part of the purpose of the classes is to prepare people to make a (hopefully lasting, certainly sincere) commitment to the church and to their faith, so it'd be illogical to ask the question about why the individual goes to church before attending the classes, though it might be relevant at the end of them, before the confirmation itself, iyswim.

Good luck with replying, Meglet. And I hope you'll continue to go to church whenever you feel like it and not feel uncomfortable.

[ElephantsNeverForgive]

It's a difficult one, fortunately I think our church has worked out I don't believe a word of it and come because DH and DD1 do.

I like the sense of community and the quiet sense of doing what people have done for 100's of years. There's a certain sense of peace in an old church, I love our local cathedral and go there if I need a serious think.

I thought they might ask DD1(16) again, she's sidestepped them by being on holiday a few years ago.

My guess is someone with sense (probably the choir master) has sussed that DD goes to sing and do any other odd job that needs doing, if she doesn't fully do the God bit it doesn't really matter, she does her service to the church and the village more than most teens.

[gingerdodger]

I think there are sometimes people attending church who would love to be confirmed but are too shy to ask or don't know how to go about it so maybe your vicar was just trying to help.

I would just say no thanks I don't think its right for me but I do enjoy coming and bringing my family.

My experience is that churches are happy to see anyone who is interested enough to turn up and join in.

[Lovelydiscusfish]

My dh had this - he just sort of ignored it and it went away.
A better approach might be just to say "I don't feel ready for that right now." It doesn't necessarily imply you ever will, but is gentler than an outright rejection if you don't feel comfortable giving one.
Any vicar worth their salt should understand and not push you, anyway. I'm sure they are just happy to have you there!