doing the right thing(marraige &bible)

[ROUNDandROUNDINCIRCILESMORETHA]

For 18 months i have had alot of problems in my marraige in which my dh will not consider couples or individual counselling. I have been working damn hard to do the correct thing listen ti my wise friends who are elders and stay because of my faith
it has now got to the point i do not feel i can. He seems to use me as a place for his frustration and treats me like a child if i dont agree with him or he cant get his on way. Last night i asked if it was possible for him to collect something today this turned into an argument in bed with him ending up banging his head several times on the headboard. I cant keep living like this i want to be obiediant but i am not being respected and feel very unhappy. The next day he acts like nothing happened. I am considering going to a solicitor about a trial seperation but i do not want to let the church or family down, but i cant keep being with someone who treats me like this or have a normal discussion without becoming aggressive.i posted here as i thought there might be someone wise from a church background to advise me rather than in relationships again.

[Lucked]

He is taking for granted that you will never leave which gives his behaviour free reign. I have never known a church leader who would support a woman staying with an abusive partner and I am catholic so I don't think your religion plays into it.

I hate the term obedient, there is a reason most women don't say obey in their wedding vows and why churches are happy with this- it is sexist and outdated. I think respectful is better as it applies equally to both. You partner has NO respect for you.

I think you definitely need to separate, sooner rather than later if you are hoping for him to get counselling. I think if you leave it too late (and it already might be too late) or for him the relationship won't be worth saving because it has deteriorated so far.

Remember him getting counselling is one thing but he has t change too. From MN I now know that you shouldn't get couples counselling in cases of abuse as these men can be very manipulative in the sessions.

[DrewsWife]

I read what you wrote and your elders are being unreasonable. you are having to live with this situation. its clear that it is making you miserable.

he is unhaply too and using outbursts of behaviour to make you mkre uncomfortable.

in my church we believe that if you have done your best then you shouldnt be miserable.

do the trial seperation if its what you want. God never wants you to be anything but happy.

dont be led by others who dont live with you so cannot possibly see the actual situation you are in.

you as a wife have obligations yes, however... God made woman from mans rib to be kept safe in his arms. you are not made from the bones in his feet to be trod on

if your elders disapprove.. dont allow them to judge you.

[AMumInScotland]

You will not be letting anyone down if you decide that his behaviour is making it impossible for you to stay in this marriage.

Even the most 'traditional' bits in the bible about wives submitting to their husbands also include similar statements about husbands being expected to be loving towards their wives. He is not behaving as a good loving husband should. You have tried to work at it, tried to get outside help. But he is refusing to honour his side of the commitment.

If you have reached a point where you feel separation is the next step for you, then I think you need to take it. And if your Elders are negative about that, then you need to tell them, politely the first time and then increasingly bluntly, that you have worked at this and are not prepared to stay in a marriage when the other party in it is not prepared to play their part.

[ROUNDandROUNDINCIRCILESMORETHA]

Thank you for replies.he says he is not stressed and i said well he is as its reflecting in his behaviour and making me feel threatened. I have told him i cant keep on living this way and he needs to decide whats changed and where to go from here.
yes church kp saying that God wants people to stay together which is true but not when he has been reacting in agressive ways. I think God would rather iam happy and free to serve him then in a marraige where i am full of stress thats stopping me from being able to concerntrate on Him.

[AMumInScotland]

Well done you for recognising that, and not being cowed by the idiots within your church. God does not want people to stay in a marriage at all costs. I'm sure He would prefer that marriages did not fail, but that doesn't mean ignoring it when they quite clearly have failed/ are failing.

If God did want women to stay with aggressive husbands who showed them no respect, then I'd say that nobody ought to align themselves to a God like that. Even if such a God could somehow be proved to exist, I would be disgusted at anyone who chose to call themselves His follower.

Therefore, either God is not like that, or God is like that and should be ignored and contradicted at every step!

And, personally, I would say that the God who was incarnate as Jesus of Nazareth most certainly wasn't like that.

[GrouchyKiwi]

I think you're right that a trial separation might be a good idea. It might give you both the space you need to work out what issues your marriage has and the duties/responsibilities that come with (like loving and respecting each other, etc). And it might be that your church has some way of facilitating this, so talking with the minister could be a good place to start.

If you do go down this route, I'd suggest stressing to your husband that this is to give you both space to evaluate your marriage and your relationships with God.

A good book I read recently that helped me understand a more traditional reading of biblical marriage is this one: www.amazon.co.uk/Love-amp-Respect-Emerson-Eggerichs/dp/1591452465?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21. My DH is not a Christian but he found it helpful too. And it's not as black and white as the cover suggests!