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I need help understanding my feelings...

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thankfeckitschrismas · 15/12/2013 21:25

I'm rc, but not devout. Tbh I'm kind of jealous of those who are devout because they don't have any doubts.

I have so many doubts, that I'm paralysed with indecision.

When I was a child I went to a Catholic school, but only went to church spasmodically. In my teens I thought : if there is a God, he knows how I feel. If there isn't a God then it doesn't matter.

I married my husband in a register office because he'd been married before, and the church wasn't important to us at the time.

13 years we tried for a baby, then we conceived through ivf. My dad (who doesn't go to church at all, but claims to be catholic) said "what you are doing is against God, and you will get what you deserve"

I thought she was a gift from God , and we had her christened. I took her
To church every week for five years.

Then my world started to fall apart. I lost my job. Made redundant by the most spiritual man I know, he hugged me and told me he'd look after me, then he got his subordinate to sack me. Incidentally when he sold his company he made it a condition of the sale that my colleague was kept on while I was cast aside.

I got a temp job, was rammed from behind in a car crash, spent weeks in hospital and lost that job. I started to fall behind on my bills etc

I found out I had tumours on three of my organs....the list goes on.

While I was in hospital noone from the church visited, noone missed me.
Then I got thinking, why was all this bad stuff happening while I was going to church?

In all the years I hadn't been practicing things hadn't been so bad, but now...things were just awful.

So I stopped going and things got worse and worse, lost 3 more jobs, unemployed for a year, finally made bankrupt in 2011. Then I was too ashamed to go back.

Then two years ago stated my own cm business, and it's doing okay. We are making our bills

my now 10 year old dd has said she wants to go go church agan, and I took her tonight

The prestigious did look pleased to see me at the end, but all the prayers have changed...I feel like a complete fraud and hypocrite. I don't feel worthy and I don't belong

Is there anyone out there who can talk to me about how I'm feeling and help me understand?

Tia

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Tuo · 15/12/2013 22:45

Hello TFIC. I am not a Catholic (I'm Anglican), but I did waver for a very long time (nearly 30 years) before going back to Church and committing to it fully again, after going throughout my childhood and stopping in my late teens, so I do empathise with your feelings of not belonging, feeling like a fraud, etc. For a while, after I went back, I thought that everyone would magically be able to see all my doubt and fear and lostness... that they would know that I wasn't 'one of them'. But it never happened like that. Instead people seemed pleased I was there, so I stuck around, and the lostness and fear started to dissipate first, as I felt more comfortable there, and finally the doubt went too.

So I guess my advice would be not to feel as if you need to deal with the doubt first, before you can start to fit in and feel you belong. For years I put off going because I didn't feel properly 'qualified' - I wasn't sure I could recite the whole Creed without crossing my fingers for the bits of it I wasn't sure about... and I felt that unless I could do that then I somehow shouldn't be there. Whereas what I now feel is that church is exactly the right place for people with doubts - the best place, in fact, to get those doubts resolved.

It's great that your DD wanted to go to church. I have found that having my DD with me (I have two - one comes, one doesn't - it's up to them...) has been a great help in getting to know people and also getting a bit more involved in things.

I'm so sorry that you had such a rough time in the past and I am glad that things are looking up for you now. I'm also sorry that you didn't feel that your church was there for you when you needed it. Have you gone back to the same one now, or are you trying a different one? Personally, I don't believe that God makes things happen to us, nor do I believe that 'everything happens for a reason'. It sounds as if you dealt with your difficult times with strength and energy and resilience. It's clear that you don't need faith as a 'prop' to get your through the hard times. But maybe there's something else in it for you. For me, I have found greater peace of mind and greater happiness than I had before. To all external appearances my life has barely changed at all - and yet I feel that it has changed - and that I have changed in it - utterly... and for the better.

I hope that that may be your experience too. Meanwhile, remember that Jesus explicitly sought out those who felt as if they didn't fit in, people who'd struggled or were struggling, people who doubted... and he ensured that they felt his love for them. I don't have all the answers - I wish I did... But I wish you well.