If you have Faith as small as a mustard seed you can move mountains...

[marjproops]

So why aren't any mountains moving?

been a commited Christian 25 years, through thick and thin, abuse,rape,assault,destitution,you name it its happened, I kept praising through my circumstances etc etc all the scriptures etc etc....

today has been the straw that broke the camels back.

cant say what happened but id like to know where God is.

PLEASE do not throw scriptures at me, I know them all and what they'll be.

why do so many bad things happen so much? I don't stand there going 'come on, let me have it'. I don't go looking for it.

I remember in a bible study someone sayin 'why do some of us get more tested than others? why?

and iftheres supposed to be 7 years of harvest after 7 years of famine, why has my 'famine' lasted all my life?

does ths happn to anyone else?

[LondonBus]

But if you lose your faith, what will you have left?

[marjproops]

its how I feel right now.

I don't feel ive lost my faith, I feel like ive lost God.

you know the size of a mustard seed>you can hardly see it.

[MissAnnersley]

I feel like you do sometimes marj. It's horrible. For me it passes but I do get angry with God.
Prayers unanswered and unrelenting crap in life is hard to take. So I do get angry and I think that's okay.

[PatsysPyjamas]

I can't offer much help in the way of religious guidance, but I couldn't read your post without replying. You sound terribly sad. Is there anyone you can talk to about things, who won't expect God to have all the answers?

[marjproops]

ive been massively let down by my church. in fact I fel like contacting my vicar (its a small church so its not like hes majorly busy) he knows whats been going on, and a shephrd is supposed to look after the sheep.

he hasn't asked me in over a month. he knows I had a fall 2 weeks ago and virtually bedridden, and have a disabled child, a few people in the church know and not ONE HAS OFFERED a hand.

my best friend lives in another country. I have no family, only the church family really.

and a few sundays ago it was all about we are all parts of the one body, about JAmes 2:14 onwards, faith without works etc etc.

and you don't do things to get things back but ive given YEARS of service and gone out of my way, even with DC, and nothing.

no wonder people don't want to know and call Christians hipocrites.

its not ALL Christians, maybe I need to change church.

and yes I am angry at God. not just in our circumstances but stuff goingon in the world too.

[PatsysPyjamas]

I think you should contact your vicar. That's what he is there for, after all. Perhaps people don't realise how much you are struggling. Perhaps they are caught up in their own lives. I think this quite often happens when people -like you - give so much of their time/energy and others just come to expect it. They forget you also need their time and energy too.

[marjproops]

that's my worry though, that they think im one massive pity party and say im not the only person in the church that needs help and im being selfish or something .

that's why im unburdening here!!

and the vicar DOES know how much im struggling I told him when id had the fall and he knows my DC well. knows im alone with her.

it really hurts spiritually. Christians aren't perfect by any means, I know, I have many many faults myself, but I suppose one expects more from a church? 'practice what you preach'?

I also know were not on peoples minds 24/7, I hardly EVER ask for anything from anyoneso when I have and theyre too busy -yet when something needs doing in the church suddenly everyones available (this must be making atheists hands wring with glee!)?

Im well aware people have their own isses and schedules and families but not to even take one minute to ask after us? they know how much hard work DC is and that I have no other support network (except mumsnet .

im so sorry, im just feeling so scraping the bottom of the abyss.

[PatsysPyjamas]

You don't know that people haven't asked after you, that you haven't been in their thoughts or prayers. I'm sure you have. You need something more concrete though. Can you ask for specific help from the church community? Perhaps people don't know the best way of helping, especially with a disabled child? Is there any support outside the church you can access - your child's school, medical help, anything like that? Maybe the best option in the long run is to find a different church, but in the short term and while you are bedridden it seems like it might be better to call in favours/support from those you already know.

[marjproops]

its usually the people you hope though isnt it?
today 'the good samaritan', someone i hadnt seen for ages, called round and saw how we were and they stayed and helped for 4 hours!

and told me to call on them anytime. they also said (they used to go to my church too) that its awful the church havent helped more as they know whts wrong.

as for other help....just glad that DCs homeschooled as thered be no one to halp there, no family support, we're on our own.

its not just just though its been a lot of things accumilating over the past couple of years.

thanks all for your support btw.

[yamsareyammy]

change church
are you obeying the scriptures?
dont get the bit about 7 years feast, 7 years famine
what version of the bible do you use
would there be a problem if the chilrden went to day school
do you socialise at the church?

[marjproops]

old testament, story of Joseph (he of the colourful coat) and his dream interpretaion and what happened.

NIV version or Good News version of the Bible.

I obey ALL the scriptures and more.

that doesnt make me better or worse than anyone else though, im still not a perfect person.

please correct me if im wrong but it sounds like youre saying if 'i dont do asd im told why should i get blessed?'

thats not how it works.

yes we socialise at church.

[yamsareyammy]

I dont take the story of Joseph to have anything to do with good and bad parts of a Christian's life. Just a description of what happened to the place or world back then.

Agree that no one is perfect.

Why would you be obeying more than what is in the bible?

[yamsareyammy]

I wonder whether you are trying too hard, not too little!

When did the terrible things happen to you?
Before or after you became a Christian?

[marjproops]

All my life.

Im so by the book I AM the book, I WROTE the book.

but being honest and nice gets you nowhere these days, never has, i dont know why i just dont tell the world and his wife to bogoff anfd have done with evverything.

its my fault.

i was led to believe that God was a Gandalf, genie of the magic lamp, wizard ....wave a magic wand and it all goes away.

not going to say anymore now. thanks to those supporting, i just have to get on with iot as always.

[yamsareyammy]

Anytime you want to rant or talk, you are free to pm me

[marjproops]

yams im sorry but i feel you are judging me without knowing me. or misunderstanding what im trying to get at?

im not very good at expressing myself.please correct me if ive taken it the wrong way....(.saidf i wasnt going to post on this any more ! )

[yamsareyammy]

Not sure what to say, so I will send you best wishes.

[yamsareyammy]

I have decided I am miffed.
I can see that it is no wonder that people from your church hesitate to come and help you.
A person that tries to help does not want the way you react to it.

People that try and help do not want or need you thinking it is in some way judging you.

[headinhands]

Morning Marj. I'm not a believer but hope you don't mind me posting from a different perspective. It's clear you feel that you need more support than you're currently getting so a practical solution would be to think of ways you can widen your social networks. Are there other groups you can join. Maybe a local home ed network? A support group for parents with disabled children? Making new friends doesn't happen overnight does it but it's something to consider when you're feeling better so that you have more avenues of support if/when you have another difficult patch.

[cloutiedumpling]

I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time and that you don't feel you are getting much support from your church. Somehow, it feels so much worse when we feel let down by our church than if we are let down by other people. I'm not sure why, but I know it does. I agree with Yams when she says that it sounds as though you are a person who is strong and is seen to cope with things. A problem with this can be that when a strong person needs help, it isn't automatically as obvious to other people as it should be because folk are used to seeing that person coping with a lot of stuff. How about inviting the vicar around for a chat and telling him how difficult you are finding things at the moment? You'd also be free to join us on the prayer thread. A lot of the people on the thread have gone through or are going through difficult times. Although we are all geographically spread out we can still be a cyber support for each other. Finally, when I'm feeling low I like reading the Psalms - now there is someone who too understood just how shit life can get. If it is good enough for the Psalmist to rail against God then it is good enough for us too.

[Virginiaisforlovers]

Maybe you need some help outside of a church environment. Relying on one form of support whatever it is can be dangerous. I'm an atheist so I hope you don't mind me posting my opinion but maybe you would feel stronger if YOU took control of things rather than relying on a god to?

[madhairday]

Just wanted to add my support, marj. I go through times where I feel God is far and I can't seem to hold on to faith even the size of a mustard seed, let alone bigger, and things seem hard. And yes, quoting bible verses isn't always the most helpful thing, although there is something I think in standing on the truths, however we feel. It can be hard though to hold on to it - sometimes it's a skin of our teeth thing. Thing is, even when we feel like that, God is constant, the everlasting arms are still underneath. But do shout, rant and rave at God - the psalmist seemed to find this cathartic, and I certainly do.

I'm so sorry your church are being crap. Church is very much a human institution, and get it wrong, sometimes spectacularly. we all know how it should work, and even strive to make it work better, and it can be glorious when it does, but people get it wrong, and forget, and get caught up in their own lives, and don't give enough thought to others - I'm certainly guilty of this. I think we need to ask for help - perhaps as pp have said they think you're coping. Sometimes the vulnerability involved in asking for help can be helpful to others too - they see that you need them, and perhaps respond to this, and then know they can ask for themselves too.

I've got chronic health problems and have sometimes torn my hair out at lack of help from people, but it's usually turned out they think someone else must be helping, it's all 'you're so loved people must be running round you' but no, not always the case. I've had to ask, and people have generally responded to this. They don't always 'get' it though.

I'd have a chat with your vicar, and is there a pastoral team at church? Also a good idea to seek help from other agencies I think, as pp have suggested.

I do hope things feel better for you soon. It's too easy to say 'hold on' - sometimes it's more a case of allowing yourself to fall into the pit, while knowing God is at the bottom of it and catches you. You don't have to strive to have this faith or to make yourself - sometimes it's OK to let go.

[educatingarti]

OP
I know how you feel - I think!
Don't be afraid to ask these questions of God.

A long time ago I was thinking the same kind of thoughts as you, sitting in my car - to get a bit of private space - and saying to God -"Where were you when x, happened and y" and so on. A friend of mine had told me that some Christians, when they were feeling hurt and angry with God, found it helpful just to picture Jesus on the cross. I remembered this and thought "Well OK I'll do that then" in a fairly mechanical way, but as I was trying to picture Jesus on the cross and shouting at God and asking where he was, I had a very clear thought that God was saying "This is where I was", about the cross.
It hasn't solved all the difficulties but it has helped me to remember that God isn't aloof from our difficulties but has suffered with us and for us.

I still get angry though!!

[GameSetAndMatch]

Ive been let down too by the church, in times of trouble.

I suppose you expect Christians/churchgoers to 'practice what they preach'. and when they don't, for whatever reason (they may be busy with their own lives and problems) they are deemed hipocrites.

I like the hymn 'what a friend we have in Jesus'.

Thats been in my mind recently, when everyone else fails, Jesus is there.

I understand the feelings towards God though, asa stern taskmaster.

I get that a lot.

mostly support on this thread but theres a bit judgment too as Ive read through them. Op needs support, encouragement, not judgement.