My dds DT teacher wrote for her target that " Dd will try to arrive on time for lessons".
After asking her what the teacher meant exactly, she replied that since she has compiled this section of the report herself, she had picked it from a set list as it was the shortest and therefore the easiest to type!!!!!

Snorks, I love that one.

As a boy, my DH was greatly encouraged by the following comment on his school report: "X sets himself extremely low standards and consistently fails to achieve them."

My boss writes frequently about the "Role Book" ie attendance book. I have bitten my lip hard I can tell ya. It is "Roll Book" people innit?
Reminds me of new colleague who sent his first mass email advising that there would be interruptions to email and internet and apologising for any incontinence as a result. Spellcheck damn you!

One from my youth 'PomsMum's tennis has improved significantly this term - I have even seen her hit the ball once'. Those were the days....

For literacy we once had..
"Joshua concentrates for long periods on the task at hand"

His name is Joseph and he has a very short attention span unless it's science,geography or history.

"E** is very confident at telling time to half past, O'clock and is beginning to tell time in quarter to and quarter pas. She must now try to check her work for mistakes......" - hmm pot kettle black?

DS1's pre-school report: "He is more shaw of himself now" .

I purchased a book some years ago of famous people's school reports. My favourite was, I think, Richard Briers (although I could be doing him a disservice if it was somebody else completely) whose head teacher wrote: 'Briers is under the impression that he runs this school. If this situation persists one of us will have to leave'

My niece got a particularly crap English report once (undiagnosed dyslexia as it turned out) on which her mother had posted the comment 'Spooling is a problem'.

Smartiejake - I was wondering just the other day how the festival had gone. I'm so glad it went well. Thanks for letting me know.

Samson - feel free to use it! I was rather pleased with it myself. I suspect the irony might be lost on the parent concerned, but I felt better for having written it!

Crotchetdiva thank you!

Rofl @ these

Many years ago a collegue of my Mum's sent out many reports saying "He handles his equipment well" ... the double entendre was not pointed out until another collegue, who happened to have a child in the school, received her DS's report

I think reports now are, in a way, more inventive than before. DS1's is always positive but, reading between the lines and knowing my own child, every one has managed to say that he is loud, opinionated and doesn't stop talking

Just to add though, that nobody - including the professional proof-readers school pays to check all of our reports - picked this up ...

Making excuses, me? And there's me, supposed to be a linguist!

Shouldn't that be uninterested, CrochetDiva? Given that this is Pedants' Corner and we're discussing teachers' howlers and all...

It is part of my job to proof read these. The best one I have seen is "must make use of the dictionery" from an English teacher.

Thank you ... duly noted for next year's reports!

Crochetdiva, my inner teacher nerd would want to point out the difference between disinterested and uninterested.
Sorry...
< sneaks off to pedants' corner >

Ooooh Littlefish - I like it!

Littlefish that is fantastic I think I might use that one myself if you don't mind

littlefish that is priceless!

<Gets pad and pencil to write down Littlefish's comment for future use>

Slight Thread hijack- On another note Littlefish my orchestra took part in their music festival last week and were praised acclaimed for their performances of "RUle the World" and "Love is all around"- (the second of which was suggested by you!) Thanks again for the idea.

This year, I wrote something along the lines of...

X has perfected the art of talking and listening at the same time. Whilst this is a great talent, it has the unfortunate effect of interfering with his classmates' learning.

My mother was known to correct poor spelling in the teacher's comments in my exercise book, and send it back in with me... <cringe> Surprised I managed to get out of school alive, really!

These are my favourite comments that I wrote this year:

"I am very concerned by X’s behaviour in class. Her continual disruptive behaviour not only prevents her from concentrating in class but at the same time disturbs her fellow pupils. This has led to her gross underachievement in French. She is totally disinterested and makes a great song and dance about being asked to attempt the smallest task. A radical overhaul in attitude would be of great benefit to X."

Z is an extremely able young man, who, I am afraid, is wasting his talents. His frequent disruptive behaviour not only prevents him from concentrating in class but at the same time disturbs his fellow pupils. What saddens me the most about this is that Z is a very able student, and could be achieving at the highest levels. A radical overhaul in attitude would be of great benefit to him. I look forward to seeing Z’s true potential next year.

Now I know it won't make the slightest bit of difference, but it made me feel better!

This is making me nervous - it's my first year teaching and I am good at spelling etc but am scared I was so relieved to get them done, that I may not have checked them enough! And I assumed they would be proofread by the office staff but it seems they may not be... fingers crossed

We have to use a comment bank at my school. My niece recently won the 'Walk to School Award' at her primary. She lives about 3 miles away and gets driven in every day

When I was at secondary I go
'Wonderstuff is not as bright as she thinks she is' How rude!

Ds2's report was fine until about half way through where it said 'Excellent work Jacob!'.
Ds2's name is not Jacob.....

I have been known to write x is able but idle in my reports over the past few years. I can't see the point in writing a report that does not tell the truth.

My DD (Reception class) had a comment in her homework book "well done, you must OF listened well" instead of "must have". Was tempted to correct it (with red pen of course!) and send it back.....

My favourite 70s report comment which I have wanted to use for many children is "x is able but idle."
I always proof read my reports but a mistake gets past me every year. Ours go out tomorrow so I am waiting for the parents to tell me what the error has been this year.

1990
My brother's French teacher wrote in his report:
"X must first learn to speak English before he can master French"

Saying that, I did once write in a childs book, "Well done, Chloe, you are writing of the sentence"
No idea what I was trying to say.

LOL Rustybear, probably!

"Oldspeckledtam is good at environmental geography". Knowing I was useless at all things geographical, Mom queried it at parents evening. The teacher's response? "She looks out of the window a lot!"

I'm paranoid about anything I send home to parents and check everything! Touch wood, I've never had anything returned.

"Oldspeckledtam is good at environmental geography". Knowing I was useless at all things geographical, Mom queried it at parents evening. The teacher's response? "She looks out of the window a lot!"

I'm paranoid about anything I send home to parents and check everything! Touch wood, I've never had anything returned.

70s again - not on a school report but just a comment on a piece of writing in my exercise book "You must try to be more careful in your work Pamela".

My name is not Pamela.

..That's great. Teachers were a bit more inventive with their comments in those days.

We still think it
Just not allowed to say it now, unless you want to reap the whirlwind. That's why I never drink alcohol when writing reports, and always check what I wrote after midnight in the morning. Just in case I was too too tired and thus too truthful.

ROFL Redlentil - Im from Bolton and when I try to speak Greek on holiday it comes out sounding like Peter Kay on Ouzo!!!

My gcse English teacher wrote, 'livings work is purple, with grey spots' my Mum still laughs about it.

DS1 had a real flare for creative writing in Y3. I thought he might just glow brightly from time to time.

DD2 is making great strides. According to her report, she made extraordinary progress with eye contact this year.

Are they trying to manage our expectations, do you think?

art in second year (think that is yr8 in england. My mark for that year was -D, well was a D but -D for colour sense. You couldn't get below a d on my school reports but his teacher had to put a -D in.

What was worse was the comment.

"Colie - tries to best of her ability"

This has scarred me for life and I always doubt my colour sense when dressing. Never listen to any advice I give in the style section of mumsnet.

Early 90s, DS1 - "X takes a bull in a china shop approach to art".

My brother, in the 70s, had "X dislikes PE with an unusual passion and is seldom seen to move".

I wrote in one of mine that a child was 'frequently defiant and challenging' - couldn't see the point in beating about the bush! Reports don't go out til next Friday though...

That's great. Teachers were a bit more inventive with their comments in those days.

My Mum had 'S is no trouble and takes none'

The only one I remeber is from PE and was short and to the point: 'Hair is apathetic'. I'd never heard the word but I knew it wsn't a compliment.

Back to the 1970s:

'MrLentil is perhaps the only child ever to speak French entirely in a Wigan accent.'

I proof read for 8 teachers - most of the mistakes are typos rather than spelling mistakes, or cut & paste where they forget to change from she to he - the fewest mistakes are normally from the 60 year old and the dyslexic teacher in his late 30's, closely followed by the youngest one. I'd probably better not say who makes the most mistakes, as my posting name is known in the staff room....

DS2's report was remarkably pretty much what I expected.......

"level at entry" - pretty average
"level at June 2009" - slightly above average

"things to improve on" .errrrrmmm struggling there slightly to find things to write about him <<<<<<<is aware is sounds like she's bragging>>>>> - so she filled that bit up with more blurb about what he's able to do LOL

DS1's should be interesting based on their open evening recently where we got to look at their work. Start of this year I went to a parents evening and looking at his books before I went in I was horrified to see pages and pages of unfinished work, in all his subjects. His teacher said then that he rarely finished work so although he appeared to be doing OK she could't be certain.

Anyhow, fast forward to this open evening last week. I looked at his books and while there was still a fair amount of unfinished work there was still considerably more of each block of work done that previously and a LOT fewer comments about it. I asked his teacher how he was doing with completeing work and working quick enough

"oh well, I suppose he's improved a little bit"

- I could see that he'd made a MASSIVE improvement since the parents evening so will be interesting to see what she says in his report.

"Geography is not his forte. He would do well to find his way home!"

(Actually not my DDs reports but this was written on one of my dad's friend's reports in the 50s!)

The one I noticed on one of DD1's reports last year was how she apparently appeared to change sex half way through. ("Report Writer" obviously doesn't check for gender when used to compose generic reports.)

DD also was reported to have composed her own music using tuned and un-tuned percussion when I know for a fact that she hasn't so much laid hands on a triangle all year!

One of the problems in our increasingly computer literate society is that the spellcheck can identify poor spelling, but not homonyms or wobbly grammar.
So if you don't proofread carefully, you are stuffed.

Are most of the teachers making these mistakes fairly young and fresh out of training college? In my experience they tend to be the ones with the slapdash spelling and punctuation.

mysteryfairy... that's awful! I'd be so tempted to send that back with a comment.

DD has "learnt to use apostrophe's" this year - perhaps her teacher will follow suit at some point?

I don't know anything about your musical talent, daisymoo, but could it be that you made your contribution by staying away?

My music teacher wrote on year that I'd 'made a significant contribution to the school orchestra this year' - I'd never been in my life!

Reports are so insipid these days - we have to take our entertainment anywhere we can find it...

DS2 uses a wide range of throwing, catching and hitting skills on both sides of his body.

does that mean he can hit children no matter what side they approach him from?

I spotted one in DH's reports for a child in his class

"Littleboy should remember to prof read his work"

These are great

LOL - what a good thread

We haven't got ours yet, and I would be thrilled for DS to get a "DS enjoys singing and is broadly in tune" comment - excellent!

Numberfour, were they trying to say you were boring?

LOL Unquiet Dad!

At the end of my last term of art, before O levels "tkb has absolutely no talent whatsoever for this subject, but she tries hard and her liquorice allsorts drawing is coming along well"

Shabster - depends on the school. One of my colleagues just wrote about a Yr 12 boy who needs to buck his ideas up big style,"Failure will be his constant companion".

'Shabster is totally useless in all aspects of Mathmatics but remains cheerful and well mannered at all times' Oh I long for the 70's when you were allowed to say things like that!!

ours went out yesterday afternoon, so I expect the flood of parents next week LOL

I had a restless night last night wondering if I had used the correct flair in my reports.

My dd "needs to work on punctuating sentences". The next sentence of the report was missing a full stop.

Lol at flare

Thanks everyone. Finishing writing my reports today so some good suggestions here

My DH still has every one of his school reports from 1973 onwards. He was 'sensible and cheerful' for 15 years.

[not sure when he turned into the bad-tempered bugger I have grown to know & love]

one term i was "conscientious and diligent" and the next term i was "diligent and conscientious".

I once got
'Does good work but need to be more involved in class'
for geography.
Which I had dropped the year before.

No no no no no?!!!!!

My little brother was once described as 'carless at spelling'

There was a teacher at DS's school who was notorious for giving everyone the grade 2B (which generally translates as "I don't remember who this child is")
One summer term, he gave it to every single child in the class, including the one who had moved to France at Christmas....

DT1's sentences are 'not also complete'

LMAO Unquiet!!

My son is doing reasonably well in French, with good attitude and behaviour grades.
He dropped it this time last year, perhaps his teacher hasn't noticed.

" it is her writing that is most effected"

It's the damning with faint praise I've enjoyed:

"DS enjoys singing and is broadly in tune"

I had a flare for music when I was at primary school

it's probably in her PE bag

Reminds me of my secondary school PE report: "Quiet progress."

My dd apparently particularly enjoyed sports day - she wasnt there!
She is also confident in counting from 1-10 and beyond - she cannot count beyond 5

Oh well I am impressed that apparently she can teleport herself to other places whilst also appearing to be with me

We don't send out reports with howlers - but only because first I proof read them and then the head proof reads them - we haven't had a mistake get past both of us for years
But I do find that inevitably the sentences that have typos and punctuation errors are the ones encouraging the child to take more care to avoid silly mistakes...

My favourite this year was the boy who had a 'god eye for design'

I'll start off...

My DD apparently has "a flare for storytelling."

It would be useful to know where she is hiding this distress rocket. It might come in useful.