I have a 4 yr-old dd like this and Ii've just been talking to her teacher about as she sees it too. I used to be like this and it has caused me a lot of problems so I would like to try and encorouge dd to be a bit more willing to get out of her comfort zone. It's especially maddening when she stops doing something she's actually very good at because she doesn't think it's perfect.

I have had some success with modelling 'failure' - but only if it's genuine, e.g. showing her scribbles from my early childhood that weren't as good as she could do herself.

I have a potenial one of these! It's DD who is 4 and I recognise alot of these tendancies. She is a terrible loser and faffs about over the most minor things. I know alot of DCs do at this age but this is ridiculous. She has very specific ways of doing things. The latest things are how the socks go on. It drives me nuts! She has to have a her duvet straight along the bottom of her bed, her tights only just below her belly button, sleeves rolled up to the elbow at all times, seams of socks to be straight along the toes. I make her sound very odd but she is in fact extremely sociable and lovely. DH is a perfectionist too. In fact he has equally bizarre standards about the duvet. Luckily I am slothenly so it dampens the whole thing down

Oh yes, a manual, I could do one of those as well. It feels to me like my perfectionist tendencies and his are quite differently manifested - I will work at something until I get it right which is how I approached school - whereas he is more likely to give up early in anticipation of it going wrong. On my particularly frustrated days, I like to blame dh's genes .

Glad you're feeling a bit more positive though, foxinsocks.

I think the problem is that as they get older, they know full well what you are up to (praising the effort ). I'm feeling a bit more positive after talking to you lot because it does seem that all these perfectionist dcs' behaviour is very similar. I sometimes feel like I need a manual for ds!

Sorry, lily - I didn't mean I would actually say "silly mummy", I just meant that he usually knows now if I draw attention to my mistakes as a "learning opportunity" .

I don't ever do 'silly mummy' wilbur, because dd would hate to be thought 'silly' so I try to emphasise the 'having a go is the best thing' and hope she latches on to that!

saint - yes, that's something we have definitely started trying to do and it's interesting to see that it does seem to work. Ds1 is far more satisfied to be praised for his hard work than for just being brilliant (which he is, of course ).

I read an interesting thing, can't remember where, suggesting that one really helpful strategy is to make a real point of praising trying/ hard work RATHER than success/ cleverness

So, 'wow, that's a great drawing, looks like you really worked hard to colour that bit'

rather than, 'wow, you're so good at drawing, aren't you clever' etc

The rationale being that a child who's praised for their cleverness can be really scared of failing and therefore cutting off the reason they're loved, iyswim, even if you don't act all disappointed when they 'fail'

Have started doing it with mr perfecto ds1, and it does seem to have taken some of his terror of trying stuff he might not be able to do straight away; he's another one who's very able at a lot of things, and has maybe got a lot invested in his self-image as a 'clever boy'

Lilybolero - I think your approach about showing you getting thing wrong and not worrying about it is a good one and I do try similar - although ds1 is a bit old now to fall for the "silly mummy" routine! Yesterday actually we had a good one - I love making cakes and ds1 and I were planning blood-red cupcakes for Halloween which turned out to a distinctly unthreatening strawberry colour. Thankfully, we all thought it was hilarious and I know that in the past, I might have been quite annoyed I'd got it wrong (oh yes, did I mention my own perfectionist tendencies? I have to put my hand up to having modelled some not great behaviour to ds1 in the past ) and ds1 might have been upset too, but it was all ok.

Northern, I think you are right in that we have to ride out the storms, but like foxinsocks, I hate to see ds1 downcast because he feels he has failed at something.

yes, very true about the stress all adding together and making it a lot worse. I am going to have to practice my la la la face (ds's year 1 teacher had a marvellous Keep Calm And Carry On face that you felt even in the face of a full on rebellion would work).

I guess you have to try and let them get to their own conclusions and only if they ask for help (or look like need it) do you need to get involved!