Mumsnet Discussions - Help. My so-called life, It's all a bloody mess and I don't bloody know how to fix it. Long and profane, sorry.

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Help. My so-called life, It's all a bloody mess and I don't bloody know how to fix it. Long and profane, sorry.

(55 Posts)

By Sat 31-Oct-09 04:04:49 Add message | Report | Contact poster

Don't know where to put this but it's all vaguely parenting-related so here goes.

I have a 2.6ds and a 6m dd. I am SAHMing and the problem is, I cannot find any time for me. As a result I am stressed out of my tiny fucking nut; this is making it hard for me to sleep which is making me more stressed, which is costing me more sleep, blah blah. I have lost all sense of humor and spontenaiety (also my ability to spell, remember things and construct sentences), don't get done half what I'd like to (more on this later) and am rapidly losing the will to live. Please help me see how I can fix things...

Dh gets up at 6 and leaves for work at 6:50. Usually by then ds is up too and dh has given him some flakes. Dd is usually up then too but lately she's been having some shocking early starts (teeth?) - 5:30 or so.

I get everyone dressed and fed, ds watches ITNG and Playschool 9-10am. At 11 I go to make a smoothie and if all goes well (ha fucking ha) all 3 of us go down for a nap. Ideally before 12. (Is this too late??)

If I can't sleep I get ds up by 1:30, if I do sleep sometimes he sleeps til 2.

Dh home at 5:25. I aim for dinner at about 5:45 (hfh) and if I don't allow them to watch tv we might be away from the table by 6:45. (ds takes a loooong time over his dinner, but then he eats loads so I'm not sure this is a complaint.)

The bath/bed routine takes forfuckingever. Ds comes out of the bath as though he was soaking in pure caffeine and it can take a while for dh to get him nappied/pj'd and storied. I do dd at the same time - like ds she is in no mood for settling but wants to party. Usually done around 7:15-7:30.

Now, IF ds is looking quiet, I take him into his room and try to get him to sleep. Despite several attempts I've never managed to sleep-train him so I sit with him until he goes off to sleep, with or without dd feeding and going off to sleep in my arms. If ds isn't sleepy he gets some quiet <snort> play-time because I'm fed up with trying to bed someone who is literally pinging off the walls. Either way, getting me away by 8pm is increasingly rare - last night was 8:45 (because we were out for dinner so home late), the night before was 9:15 (because late nap, because I slept too).

By now I am absolutely desperate for some quality time but lately all I've been doing is shower, snack, re-settle fussy dd, some dire soporific reading, and going to bed, completely unrelaxed at 10:30.

Fuck creativity, fuck corresponding with friends/rellies, fuck making any progress on the recently-moved-into house, fuck having a chat with dh, fuck reading blogs, tv, MNing, keeping up with any form of current events, etfuckingcetera. Fuck, in fact, any activity that might let me have some form of personal identity. (I'm a wee bit fed up, you may be able to tell).

And then, just for kicks, dd will be up at least twice, once settling with a feed and once, hey, remember that party she missed after her bath? well maybe we could have it now? huh? huh? does 3:30am work for you mum?

This can't be right, can it? I'm sure I'm missing something obvious but braincells are so few and far between these days they ain't rubbing together often enough for solutions, let alone the will to implement them.

Help, please help...

oh and it's lunchtime here, so I have to disappear now and not sure when I'll get back.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Fri 06-Nov-09 10:11:23

thanks for those pointers perfectstorm - well explore the links. Am from here originally, just back after 9 years in UK. Got a few friends/family but their kids are all older and they're back at work. And I never did learn to cope with the heat (not originally from here) so will definitely check out those links.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Thu 05-Nov-09 11:34:25

I also don't want to patronise an Australian, but if you're a Brit, there are tips on dealing with those summers that might help a bit. It's the humidity on top of the heat that's the killer, isn't it - used to give me tension headaches in the runup to a storm.

There's also a Brit expat mother of a 2 year old on Bubhub's "new to Brisbane" thread asking to meet people in her boat.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Thu 05-Nov-09 10:55:42

You NEED some mummy mates with similar aged kids so you can go nuts together (preferably over a glass or two of wine). Hanging out with others in the same boat who understand that you might be too knackered to talk much, or can't finish a sentence because someone is hanging off you will make life much easier.

Have you had a look on the expat websites? (britishexpats, pomsinoz etc.), there are lots of people in the same boat that want to make friends. I haven't seen you on the Australian rollcall thread (though might just have missed you!), if you haven't posted there do - you might at least be able to meet someone in a park. I'm in Sydney, and my kids are older, so I'm no good to you I'm afraid, but things will look a lot better if you have someone to laugh with. Good luck.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Thu 05-Nov-09 10:50:23

Oh poor you. I'm from sydney and I found Brisbane hellish in summer. Taking two swimming is definitely doable, especially if you can find the right kind of pool (a large baby pool and not much else exciting works for me). And you take a pram to strap the baby into if the toddler starts playing up.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Thu 05-Nov-09 08:59:39

I honestly think you will sleep better at night if you drop you daytime sleep. I've had ten years now of anywhere between 2 and 6 hours sleep a night, -phases of 3 hours not uncommon (ds1disabled). I have learned the worst thing I can do is go to sleep during the day. It completely messes up my night's sleep - although going to bed early does help (I have some difficulties doing that because if my need for head space).

I wouldn't drop a bath because we've always used it as signal that we're in the bedtime routine.

Hyper over tired children are allowed to be hyper and overtired providing they do it in their own room. That at times had been difficult with my disabled son but he did learn that he needed to stay in his room. We used 2 travel barriers one in top if the other which filled the door so he couldn't climb over and he didn't have the stenghth to undo (once asleep they came down). The barriers seemed to calm him. He could see through so not dark like a shut door but he knew he couldn't get out so switched off that impulse to run up and down the stairs shrieking. And instead would lie down or sing or look out if his window. He became able to open them when be was about 8 but by then had pretty good settling habits and now understands "bed now or no....."

None of the kids have to go to sleep when I say ( ds 2 and ds3 chat for a bit or read, ds1 looks out of his window) but that doesn't matter to me
as long as they're quietish and settling.

I think you need to choose your cut off time a
stick to that iyswim. It's hard with the baby but
you can sort of aim around that.

Also if you get any chance to have a few hours
alone or without kids in the week ( gym plus
crèche?) then that can make a difference. I have found going back to work to be helpful in
terms of head space. I'd also recommend taking up something you used to love. I've recently started horse riding again after a 16 year break and it has been incredibly good for making me feel good.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Thu 05-Nov-09 00:02:31

I was born in Brissie, and my siblings still live there, mostly. Sadly they're younger than I am and none are at the parenting stage yet. I doubt a group of young single guys would add much to your life!

Paddington is the nappy valley area from memory. Have you tried asking about local groups on www.bubhub.com.au? And have you thought of taking dd to a baby yoga class? It could give your ds and dh some time together, and by definition you'll meet other mothers and babies in a non-forced way. Obviously swimming lessons might be good, too - soothe your nerves a bit if they're confident swimmers, plus again be a handy way to meet people.

Are you Australian, or an expat? It's a deceptively foreign culture to Brits, IMO.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Wed 04-Nov-09 21:39:10

Hi phd sorry to hear you're having a tough time. I've joined you in the craziness! my new ds is 5 weeks and life is upside down moments after I'd finally got my head round how to do the parenting thing with some degree of control and room for other things!

fwiw I think it's ALL about sleep. Is it worth splashing out on some pampering complimentary medicine type treatments? Relexology? anything that could help you rest better?

Can you sign up for a course that gives you even a bit of time for you? Finish that novel?? I did a six week one day a week thing on Saturdays last year and it was wonderful. Really refuelled my soul.

Good luck.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Wed 04-Nov-09 19:27:45

thanks flash. I don't know, if I get some sleep it all feels more do-able, or like this morning (awake for no good reason angry

at 4:40am) I've just given up, got some tea, doing some me-stuff, maybe I'll be right for the rest of the day. so there are lots of teeny tiny windows. I can see perfectly well IABU!

oh and you keep asking, I keep forgetting - it's Brisbane. 32 degrees again today. Not yet, obviously, but you can feel it coming...

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Wed 04-Nov-09 19:24:34

You poor thing sad

. Please keep posting and coming back so we can help you find that "window in the wall" smile

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Wed 04-Nov-09 19:22:16

thanks again. you're all being so sensible and I'm feeling SUCH a psycho hosebeast and finding suggestions all so improbable that I'm wondering if I have a touch of PND. Or just plain D. think I'll ask doc about it when dd goes for jabs next week.

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Help. My so-called life, It's all a bloody mess and I don't bloody know how to fix it. Long and profane, sorry.