How do you deal with direct disobedience?

[Theclosetpagansbesom]

...the "I don't give a feck that you've just said No I 'm doing it anyway" kind of defiance.

If DS (nearly 5) starts doing something I don't want him to do I say "No" or "stop" - explain why and the little darling continues doing it anyway.
I then physically stop him after which it becomes a game - "how far can I push Mum"?

Inevitably I get really stressed out and then start shouting (which I hate doing) - eventually after a huge battle he starts crying - I then start feeling guilty (usually because I shouted) and then I feel like crying as well.

He's nearly 5 and all I can see is that he's getting bigger and stronger all the time and that this will just get worse. Just feel I am doing it all wrong somewhere.

Is it too strong to say that I hate him sometimes? Please don't misunderstand me - I love him to bits but I just hate the behaviour and am seemingly crap at sorting it out.

At present he is jumping off the built in work surface in the dining room which I have pulled him off about 15 times this morning and he has just gone straight back. Have now reached the point of "go on then - fall off and hurt yourself - I give up"(wrong I know).

So am now ignoring him completely... which of course will inevitably make the behaviour worse as he will attention seek.

Just feeling hopeless and helpless.

Thank goodness he goes back to school tomorrow because tbh I am fed up with him

[Blandmum]

Have you tried some specific sanction?

'If you do that again you get 5 minutes in your bedroom'?

If you physically stop him, it will add to his 'fun'.

If he does it, follow through with the sanction, and keep on going, up the sanction each time. make sure you follow through, and pick one battle at a time and win it. When that one is won, go onto something else.

Plus all the distraction/ positive praise stuff alogside, so that he gets attention from going 'good' and not 'bad' IYSWIM

[WideWebWitch]

Work surface I'd say No firmly and then put him in the corridor/hall for 1 minute
do it, calmly and firmly every time. He will get bored althoguh you may have to do it a few times first.

You could also try

• distraction, will still work at 5yo ime
  
• "see if you can do x by the time I count to 10" - STILL works on my 10yo sometimes!
  
• Or "see how long it takes you to run to x" and start counting
  
• soft no, i.e. say "that's fine. If you carry on doing that then there will be no xxx" and be v breezy about it, as if you couldn't care less. This allows him to stop without losing any face, sometimes works
  
• positive attention, as you know they'll behave badly to get negative attention if there's nothing else on offer
  
  I know the feeling, sympathy.

[BBBee]

what MB said - that is good advice.

Acknowledge to yourself that the goal for him is purely your attention - posistive or negative. The shouting and crying are what he wants. If he is doing something naughty stop him and withdraw all attention whilst laying it on extraoridnarily thick when his behaviour is what you want.

You probably know all this - easier said than done.

Good luck.

[BBBee]

"stop thant now - do you wnat to play snakes and ladders?"

[Theclosetpagansbesom]

Thanks for the replies - have managed to distract him now and we've just got the Lego out.
Think he is bored - he was a late starter at school due to the December birthday and was so ready for it. This week he starts full time.
Am off to play Lego for a while now.

[kittywitch]

He will be better once school tires him out. Don't take crap from him though.
You are the boss and he does what you say, no questions asked. might seem harsh, but it's the way to go.
Nip this in the bud or else you could be storing up megga trouble.

I've seen it happen, mothers completely at the mercy of their children.
Good luck

[TwigorTreat]

It sounds to me like he doesn't actually know that no means no.

I agree with MB's specific sanctions but wonder whether you need to just toughen up and little and make sure that he appreciates that for certain, dangerous things you have zero tolerance

Personally I'd pick him up and stick him somewhere else (stairs, room, garden) and say NO firmly and walk away (or hold door shut. I think some things simply do not need discussion and explanation.

[Blandmum]

agree 100% kitty. We all need to lay down the rules when they are 5 and hope to goodness that the rules still hold when they are 15!

It is tough, which is why I said pick 1 battle at a time. Otherwise you wear yourself out and in the end give up.

Mine are 7 and 10 and reasonably bidable now. But I remember, boy how I remember.....

[meemar]

Agree with others who have said he needs a specific sanction or consequence to the behaviour to learn that it is unacceptable.

I think he is an ideal age for time-out, naughty step, whatever you want to call it.

He is testing you and realises that defying you leads to a great reaction from mum - more interaction!

[WestCountryLass]

You've got to hit them (not physically!) where it hurts.

DS has half an hour of Nintendo/computer time after tea and if he is naughty he has a three strikes and he is out type smiley face chart where he gets a sad face (every sad face is worth -5 minutes) so if he is naughty 6 times and has his three stikes he doesn't get to go on the computer/nintendo and like wise if he is naughty twice, he only gets 20 minutes instead of the half hour. Works a treat

When he wasn't so much into the computer etc, he was into trains and he would have his toys confiscated for set times a bit like time out but with privaledges taken away.

Good luck!