what should I do when they come to pick up ds today?

[tryingtocookacurry]

I had a blazing row yesterday with my xp's girlfriend on the phone. I have never met her before and she accused me of saying a lot of things that I haven't done or said.

E.g. hurting ds's feelings by calling his dad pathetic

cancelling visits with them at short notice

she callen me immature and unreasonable!

Would you go to the door with ds and act like nothing ever happened or say something to her as she has really hurt my feelings and I feel really uncomfortable with some of the many things she accused me of.

[Santasmissyontheside]

act like nothing has happened personally. don't let it show its bothered you, especially in front of ds. talk to exp on his own another time?

[PregnantGrrrl]

i'd talk to ex, on his own without child in ear-shot either. be calm and ask if HE has a problem with you / anything you've done.

[tryingtocookacurry]

But its like she has completely taken over. She texts ds all the time. I can't believe the things she said to me yesterday and have a hundred million things I want to say. You know when you think about the conversation afterwards and can think of lots of things you wish you had said.

They have only been seeing ds for a year and he is 11. And she was accusing me of being a bad mother which has really hurt my feelings.

[BBBee]

minimal polite conversation from this point onwards at all times.

[Santasmissyontheside]

she has no idea what kind of mum you are so ignore her. what i will say is that as a sm myself i find dss will say things about his mum and he says things about me too. pls try not to take to heart. you really need to tell ex how you feel. has he only been seeing him a yr also?

[tryingtocookacurry]

Is it really awful to admit that I am having real problems adjusting to him having this new relationship with them anyway.

And then this happened.

And I feel responsible because I encouraged and supported him to get back in touch with exp. And now I feel overwhelmed with a worry that he is developing a stronger bond with them.

[Santasmissyontheside]

pls dont think that. your his mummy and when i was growing up and stayed at dads i loved going home to mum and even if i was having good time i couldn't wait to get back to see her. how old is ds? he might just be at the stage where he loves having hid dad around

[tryingtocookacurry]

He is 11. He calls my dp 'Dad'. My dp has been with us since ds was 3. She accused me of making ds call my dp Dad yesterday, saying that people I used to know have told her this. And she calls me immature??

[Santasmissyontheside]

ok so he's at the age where kids talk about the dads being cool etc. we had a simular thing with calling dad etc. dss was 2 and half at time and just suddenly calling dh exw's oh daddy. dh found it really hard as they had not been a couple for long and the relationship has now broken down ss now confused at another dad leaving. did your son start calling dp dad? shes probably angry as it upsets her dp just as it did my dh. he cried the first time he heard ss say it. but then my dh has always been around for ss and sees him reg. how come the big gap in not seeing his dad?

[tryingtocookacurry]

me and my exp were very young when we had ds. I was 16 and he was 18 and the relationship broke down when ds was 9 months. He continued to see ds on and off until he was about 3 when I finally said to him if you can't come regularly then don't bother. He never turned up again and we heard nothing until 2 years ago when I received a court order.

My ds and myself had many chats with CAFCASS because ds did not want to see xp and the court ruled that he didn't have to last year but exp turned up on the door step a few weeks later. So I encouraged him to come in and meet ds knowing that really ds was scared as he was a stranger to him.

He has been seeing him pretty much every weekend since then. I have not met the girlfriend at all but she has been with exp for 6 years.

[Santasmissyontheside]

hmmm difficult one i can see why your upset. does he stay or see him for the day?

[PregnantGrrrl]

why on earth is she texting your son all the time? it does sound like she's going a bit over-board.

she's been with your ex for a while, i can see why it'd be nice to hear him called Dad etc, but it's not really her concern.

Talk to your ex about what's going on.

[elescarybells]

she should'nt be texting your ds like that.
if she calls you again do not converse with her - tell her you will discuss your son with his father and no-one else - and hang up. cheeky mare

[tryingtocookacurry]

santa - he has started staying over night (tonight will be his second time) because I felt backed into a corner because I didn't want him to, yet my exp and ds asked why, and I couldn't think of any other answer than cos I don't want you to which I felt was about my feelings not my ds's so let him but am still uncomfortable with it.

It was me that called her due to the fact that she sent ds a text message saying that her and exp will be picking ds up at 10 this morning, I asked ds to text back saying could we make it 2 because he has a project to finish before he goes back to school on Monday. She texted my son back that I was being unreasonable and should be discussing this with my exp and not to let it upset him and NO they WILL be picking him up at 10. At this point I rang her using the number on ds's phone and we had a blazing row.

[Santasmissyontheside]

now that is outtrageous!! if they had problem ex should have rang you.!!!!

[Santasmissyontheside]

when he gets do tours just say ver calmly can in future you ring me to discuss ds arrangments

[tryingtocookacurry]

Well, do you think I am being unreasonable by taking the mobile off ds. He has only had it since last week and it was only an old one of dps.
I am going to suggest that when he goes to the park or to the corner shops or to a friends to stay he can take it with him to communicate with me but stop him from using it to contact them. This ensures that all arrangements are made through me and exp??

[tryingtocookacurry]

oh and she will come to the door with exp today to get ds as we decided that as we had never met before maybe she should come to the door so I could meet her.
(My stupid suggestion after I had said I feel uncomfortable with the fact that my ds is spending so much time with her and I have never met her)

[Santasmissyontheside]

not such a stupid suggestion, it could clear the air. i wouln't say taking phone away is good idea, that way you would be punishing your ds. when he drops ds home mention then. your not being unfair by asking him to communicate through you. maybe she was texting as ds has new phone and you know what kids are like they want everyone to know when they have new bits. i think thats shes possibly trying too hard with ds? i find it hard to get a balance of ott and normal. iykwim?

[Santasmissyontheside]

i've got to go now but i'll check your ok later. keep smiling

[tryingtocookacurry]

Thank you so so much for helping!

[tryingtocookacurry]

Well, they came to pick him up! And we had another row. I answered the door all smiles and exp rushed ds off to the car and she waited at the door to tell me that if ds overheard our row on the phone yesterday then I am digging my own grave with regards to ds.

I, much to my disgust now, exploded and told her she is causing all these problems and never to come to my door again! I said that I would be getting in contact with CAFCASS about this.

Oh dear!

[Santasmissyontheside]

Just quick post as i'm out. She really is being a mare. Why i have no idea. She has no reason to be getting quite so involved. I can understand why you exploded i would have done same. It'll be interesting when ds gets dropped back whether ex even gets out of car.

[Kesh]

TTCAC - YOUR son is spending time with a woman you barely know and have only just met and she's trying to call the shots?

This is what you do. Get through this weekend. Call her next week and arrange to meet her in private (possibly with exp) and get to know her and let her get to know you.

This is all a big mass of botched communications. Face to face talking could resolve this whole situation, providing everyone keeps their cool.

I've seen this happen quite a few times now (in RL) and it only ever gets resolved through communicating.

You have EVERY right to want to know more about this woman who you are allowing to care for your child. You'd know a damn sight more if this was a teacher or youth group leader or something.

IMO

[tryingtocookacurry]

I know it sounds immature but I really want nothing to do with this woman.

When they drop ds off on Sunday I am going to explain to exp (if he even comes to the door) that I do not want to speak to anybody else but him about ds.

I am also going to explain that I want ds to go every other weekend instead of every weekend. He is missing out on stuff with us as a family, and I think this might be what is making me feel so upset about the whole thing.