Help me please

[justakid]

I know this is maybe not the right place to come, but I really need some advice. It's about my mum, and as parents yourself I need to know whether her behaviour is normal or not. I'm 18 now.

In 1996 she got divorced from my dad and got really out of control. She started drinking heavily and would often go to work unfit to do her job. I had to look after her through these times although I was only 7. She had a series of boyfriends and sobered up - only to have her heart broken when I was 12 and things went back to the way they were - even worse! I was in secondary school (I'm in the UK here)and she would get drunk every night, really drunk, and run around screaming and crying. This was really traumatic for me - but my school had no pastoral care. I frequently had to take days off school to take care of her. In the end I was permanently excluded (expelled) from school. She sometimes got violent, against me, my brother or herself.

I went away to the only school that would take me for a year and she was left with my brother. He rang me up and told me her drinking was improving over time but she still had lapses. She works a 60 hour week and has a really really hard job. Sometimes she shouldn't be doing her job because of the state she's in. So I came back from boarding school the year my brother went to Uni.

generally she's improved. She still drinks a bottle of wine each night. Her drink gets slurred. Sometimes she drinks until 3am then wakes up at 6 to go to work. I'm sure this is not safe, especially not to drive.

Since I left school and have been looking for a job she's getting worse. EVERY NIGHT she starts screaming. Moaning. She comes home and wants her whole house to be spotless, surfaces clean, floors polished. Dishwasher empty. I don't find a little housework that unreasonable - but she's never given me pocket money and I'm out all day finding work. It's not like i'm bumming. As soon as she comes in she starts a whole tirade 'I work all week, I get home, the place is a tip (right, nothing out)'...

... I don't know how normal this is. She seems too obsessivley tidy. She's paranoid about her weight, yet is constantly eating. She gets angry and shouts and I feel there is nothing I can do to avoid a confrontation.

I've tried to get out before but she just messes it up for me. She calls up the landlord or employee and lies. I'm 18. Because of her work in the healthcare profession she won't seek help from her GP and when I suggest it she's just rude.

I want to get out of here. I just can't hack it anymore. I can't put up with this amount of shouting and screaming at me. She even kicked down my door to scream at me the other day. There is no escape for me except with a friend who's been really kind and lets me stay with them.

I don't want to leave her alone though. Even if I can't stand her - there have been times when I've come home to find the house full of gas. She burnt her whole arm when she took some sleeping pills whilst drunk and fell asleep with a cigarette in her bed.

HELP! I think I might go mad! I want to get out of here, but a) I can't afford it properly, b) She'll turn my whole family against me and c) she's not safe on her own!

she has no friends. Nobody to talk to.

[GreatBigHairyMonsterlapin]

justakid

Can I suggest that you post perhaps on the Health or Feeling Depressed boards and put a bit more detail in your thread title? because there are people on here who can offer you some proper advice (not me, so sorry ) but they need to know you are here, if you see what I mean?

I hope someone can help things improve for you x

[GarrottedbyElasticband]

you are her duaghter not the other way round.
you should leave and let her sort herself out. don't ruin your life. she works i take it.
go and stay with your friend.
i am sorry but that is all i can say.,

[ThePhantomToiletFlusher]

Hi, do you have any other understanding adults around to talk to (family members eg?).

You say she has messed things up for you before when you have tried to leave? Just wondering what that was?

I'm so sorry for you, you are an adult and have the right to live your life free from this. Your mum sounds in real need of help, is she seeing a doctor or anything?


Sorry to bomabard you with questions when you're already feeling shite.

[policywonk]

Can you talk to your GP? He or she should know what resources are out there that could help you and your mum (you can do this in confidence - your mum does not need to know that you've done it).

Google 'young carers' - lots of charities run programmes for people in your position. This is one link but there were lots when I looked.

Remember that you are entitled to live your own life, and to be safe and feel comfortable in your own home.

[janestillhere]

Just wanted to say you are definitely not alone - my circumstances have a similarity with you and I hope you have friends and family members you can talk to. You should not have to deal with this alone.
Both my parents have been heavy drinkers over the years though not as violent and shouty as the situation you seem to be in. I have sad and painful memories intermittently through my life, though I always was loved...does that make sense.
No family is perfect I know but you are too young to be burdenned (wrong spelling) with all this.
I am rambling on but I just want you to know I am thinking of you, and people do care.
My mum and dad are both ill now, mum has liver cirrhosis and brain damage from booze and I feel very very sad that I have seen two wonderful people who I love turn into mere shadows of their former selves.
My mum was a nursing sister at the local hospital and her leaving through the nhs changes etc seemed to tip her into a downward spiral. Life is weird eh? Love to you and those you care for.xxx jane xxx