How much outside help do you get? Are my parents mean?

[Minkus]

DH and I both work, he full time outside the home me 4 days per week outside the home. I am main breadwinner and went back to work full time when DS was 9 months, dropped this to 34 hrs over 4 days though and he is now 2.10.

Our respective mums each occasionally babysit, say once each per month but nothing regular.

Whereas they help our sisters out a lot. My mum via baby sitting more frequently/ childcare in school holidays for lovely sis's/BIL's two, (mum and sis both work full time, mum only in term time though) and DH's mum by providing a lot of support to DH's sister and her husband and their two- childcare if SIL wants to go for haircut, picking eldest up from school occasionally, doing housework if SIL is feeling a bit low etc etc etc (SIL is SAHM).

I am ashamed to say it but I feel jealous. Nobody helps us. I don't even think its the fact that we don't get help, just that nobody seems to think we might find it hard work too sometimes, being a family, or ever says "gosh aren't you doing well managing it all on your own without breaking". (I don't really expect an award for coping with the lifestyle we have chosen, just a bit of recognition that there isn't a comparison to make, we don't "have it easy" and the others don't "have a hard time" as they're hardwork in their own ways.)

I'm starting to find it really difficult to be around my mum or MIL because MIL especially is always on about how hard SIL is finding it, being a mum and all. And my mum rarely offers words of encouragement even when she knows I'm struggling a bit. In fact mum lives 6 miles away and when ds was born, visited us in hospital and next contact was after a week. I always thought we were close.

Am I being petty? Something tells me I am but it's hard to ignore how I feel.

[SpookyDooooo]

hmm we don't get any i am with my children quite literally 24/7 & yes it's bloody hard work & yes i sometimes do envy people who get lots of help.

I would most probably feel envious if someone else was getting more help than me because i know how it feels not to have a break, that said you say you get it probably once a month i think this is resonable.

[LilBloodRedWantsGore]

Similar situation to us. I think the difference is, they ask for/expect help, whereas we don't.

[WideWebWitch]

You know, I think this v often rears its ugly head when you have more than one sibling and parents who help, there's always someone who feels hard done by. I agree, they seem to get more help than you but I would say, ime:

• maybe they ask more?
  
• maybe it's assumed they need it more because they have 2 children and you only have one
  
• Maybe because you're coping and don't moan they think you're doing fine?
  
• maybe SIL moans a lot more?
  
• maybe there's other stuff you don't know?
  
  I do sympathise. Dh's parents are miles away and elderly and my mum doesn't help at all and never has really, even when she was 45 minutes away. I got the odd night of babysitting if I asked but nothing else I am very very lucky in that I have a WONDERFUL ex mil who helps a LOT but I am dreading ex SIL having children in a way because I'll have to 'share' ex mil, although it will be entirely correct that ex SIL gets as much help as she needs.
  
  so I don't tihnk you're being unreasonable but wonder if you need help whether you might have to
  
  
• ask them
  
• or negotiate swaps with other parents you know
  
• pay, so use Sitters etc if you go out

[fingerwoman]

do you ask for help and not get it? or are you expecting them to offer?
The others may well be asking for help much more than you, and are clearly letting people know how hard they find it (ie the SIL) whereas maybe you just come across as ebing very capable?
I do think it makes a difference perhaps that they have 2 kids each and you only one. Not that that means you don't need help/support but they may think you need it less iyswim?

I think that if you want more help you need to ask for it, have a chat with your mum and tell her how you feel- see what she says. she may just not like to butt in and offer help if you appear to not need it

[TwigorTreat]

none at all

[Chipstick]

No help from anyone - not even once a month. We rely on nursery and after school clubs - both work full time.

[omeN666]

We have no outside help occasional night out..maybe twice a year if we are feeling sociable. I do sometimes feel jealolus of others who have lots of help like girl over road whose kids go to her parents one night a week and her dh parents for tea or to play another day. I think in your situation I would feel a little miffed as your parents are looking after other family members children.

[WideWebWitch]

So in answer to how much help do I get

• from my mother and stepfather, none and has been very very little since ds was born. He's 10. My dad is dead
  
• from dh's parents, none. He's an only child
  
• from my ex husband's mother and sister and from ex husband: loads, I only have to ask, they have stayed overnight and had both children (even though dd is no blood relation to them)and ex MIL will babysit at short notice and do anything to help. She is a bloody diamond though, I really love her and am VERY lucky to have her in my life (and to have an amicable divorce)

[HairyIrene]

none
dont live near any
but help in other ways
dont ask though dont expect either

it does seem unfair in a way
were they there first? or is it cause they have two?..is it just routine? does it look like you cope well and dont need it?

[foxinsocks]

None. We pay for every little bit of childcare that we need (other than our shift parenting with each other!).

We have friends who both work full time, in very well paid jobs, who have never paid a cent for childcare as they have so much family help. Their children go to each granny in turn during the week and the grannies have them for weekends, babysitting etc. I'm always telling them how lucky they are .

I think it sounds like you need to ask your family. They are just assuming you are OK and don't need their help.

[Hekate]

I get no help at all.


They obviously see you as capable, that's a good thing.

I don't believe that anyone has the right to expect that their parents should help them. However, I can understand someone feeling bad if a parent is helping other sibling but not them. But still, you can't make someone help you and even if they ARE helping others, you've still no right to expect anything. Folks help who they want. It's up to them to choose.

But. Why not ask for help? Maybe they just think you don't want or need any. While you don't have any right to demand, there's nothing wrong with asking - as long as you respect the fact they have the right to say no. Tell them how you feel.

[nailpolish]

my mum maybe twice a year
thats it

[littlerach]

We don't have any help.
If we need a babysitter, we either try a friend, or arrange fr the girls to go to my mum's, 60 miles away.
So we rarely bother.

Dh's parents live overseas.

[foxinsocks]

actually, that's not strictly true. We have friends who help us out when we are stuck but then I pay them back the favour usually.

[Wisteria]

I often feel like this and have oodles of sympathy for you. I am SAHM now so don't feel it as much but when I worked I felt exactly like this.

You sound like me to a degree, in that although you are finding it hard, it all gets done somehow! Unfortunately, that comes across to others as the fact that you are obviously superwoman....so don't need their help; they may even feel a bit intimidated by your apparently effortless abilities!

SIL sounds like my soon to be SIL and she is a bit 'pathetic' for want of a better word (or maybe she just has her head screwed on properly!) and hasn't had dcs yet.
If she's feeling 'under the weather' or a 'bit tired' MIL goes and does all her housework, cooks her tea etc whereas we just get on with it and the house is a tip, they all think I'm amazing as I manage to get the house looking presentable, cook a big meal etc for them all, even with a collapsed spine.... I quite often wonder what would happen if I turned out beans on toast and said I was just too tired!

[francagoestohollywood]

I think you probably should ask more often, when you need help. I don't think there's nothing wrong in helping each other out within a large family (if you get along, that is).

[francagoestohollywood]

anything

[erniecrackles]

None. PIL do babysit, take other grandchildren for weekend etc. I used to feel miffed, but then I think, this is the life we've chosen, they're our kids and it means at least we aren't getting into situations where we feel obligated to family. Also SIL's really do need the help (working full time etc.) so fair enough.

My mother just wouldn't -- but then she's already brought up 3 children on her own, so why should she? At least, that's how I've tried to justify it!

[Pixiefish]

No help at all. My mother says it's becase we moved to live 20 minutes away but she never used to help even when we lived down the road. MIL not very good with kids but would lay a laminate floor or decorate a bedroom if I asked her bless her.

I'm 8 1/2 monts pregnant and have been very illwith this pregnancy but have had no help from either so that I could rest

[nailpolish]

why do working parents need more babysitting???

[Beenleigh]

My parents live 150 miles away so day to day I get no help, but they are brilliant when they come down about once a month for a couple of days. In laws bit closer but useless. no help from there. db 5 mins walk away, never see him.

Your post sounds to me ,like you're feeling rejected by especially your Mum. It sounds like you need to talk to her. She no doubt has no idea how you're feeling. Perhaps you could say to her that you thought you were clo ser thank this, and you miss her etc, and you could REALLY do with some help. You must look really capable, and she's clearly not worried about you at all,which is a lovely compliment in some ways.

[LIZS]

Very little . My parents live some distance and are not as young as they were, PIL's who are an hour away, look after SIL's 2 weekly and have since they were babies, including overnight, but ours very occasionally for a few hours. I am working pt but took this week off due to potential childcare issues and cost, no offers of help from PIL but they will have other GC at least one full day probably overnight and more.

[francagoestohollywood]

why wouldn't they? maybe they like to have a night out as couple once in a while. Or maybe they have work commitments just when the child is ill and home from nursery/school.

[Lulumama]

regardless of what other people get, you feel you get less than you should, so you maybe need to say something

and ask !

people often presume if you don;t ask, and you seem to be coping, then you don;t need their help, and they don;t want to interfere

my MIL lives abroad half the year, when she is here, she helps if i am working, although my work is sporadic, she helps when she is around. she has taken DS out for the afternoon as it is half term, she is having them over night new years eve. she helps as and when she can. if i need her , then she is absolutely there. she lives a couple of miles away.

my mum & dad live 50 miles away, and come up most weekends, take us out for lunch, Dad takes DS out to the shops, me and mum do stuff with DD. they have come over to babysit the odd occasion we have soemthing we must go to, and cannot get sorted. mum comes over sometimes during the week and we go out with DD, and then pick up DS from school together

i think that is enough. if i need them, they are there without question.

a lot depends on age , my parents are late 50s, my ILS, early 60s, and MIL and mum do not work, so they can help.

so much of this is relative.

[nailpolish]

i meant why do they need more babysitting than other parents?