Two or more- Do you regret the change in your relationship with your first?

[littlelamb]

I don't know how to phrase it better to be honest. I am pg with number 2, and dd will be nearly 4 when it is born. I am excited, but I am also really worried about how my relationship with dd will change. Because I have bought her up on my own, we have a very close bond. As much as I am keen for her to have a sibling, I am also worried that I will regret how this changes things- it will no longer just be me and her. I have heard that this is quite a common worry, but is it one that is easily overcome, or does a slight feeling of regret stay with you? I suppose I am just worried about upsetting the status quo- we have it pretty good, and I'm not sure how another person will fit into the mix.

[FllightAttendant]

I've got to go to bed now but will reply tomorrow, try not to worry
Things will change but not all bad!

[MyTwopenceworth]

Nope. However, I was lucky that ds1 was only 15 months old when ds2 was born, so I hadn't really had long with him alone before finding out no2 was on the way! Maybe people with a bigger gap feel differently.

I felt guilty that ds2 didn't get the undivided attention that ds1 had had as a newborn.

Have you ensured that you have prepared your dd for the new arrival, to minimise jealousy?

[mrsmerton]

I felt a little resentful of my oldest (dd) when first ds was born, just because she suddenly became very needy and clingy as there was a new baby in the house.

That was 7 years ago, and our relationship, whilst not perfect is pretty great most of the time. No one can take away the fact that she was your first, and I bet she will be a cracking big sister.

No regrets! You'll be too busy to have those!

[IamDaisy]

No regrets here, although our relationship has changed as I can't give DS the one to one time he had before, especially at bedtime, the dynamic of our family unit is great.

DS is five, loves his new sister to bits and has become more mature since she was born. It was a bit difficult to start with as he took his dethronement issues out on DH and I (never on his sister), but 18 weeks in we are all happy and secure.

i find that as the time I spend with him one on one os limited by the needs of DD, that time is so much more rewarding and fulfilling.

I'm not a single parent now, but I was till DS was three and DH works away through the week so effectively I am still (at least part-time).

As FA says, things do change, but in my household I think it has been for the better

[arabelladelahaye]

Hello,

I expect it will be mosty fine and lovely, especially thinking about when they are older and can talk to each other about you.

I'm replying because mine are a similar age gap and so far it's great. My dd was 4 and a half when my son was born and she is lovely with him. It's really good because she is now at school. He's nearly a year and so he gets lots of undivided attention. I'd like to spend a bit more time alone with my dd but have no regrets.

I was told to give lots of attention to the oldest cos she has always had it and the baby knows no different, but I think that this backfired a bit and she became quite demanding for a while - a couple of months, but this may have just been the age anyway.

I do ask her for help, but if she says no I never ask her again. It'd be worth explaining that babies are really boring for ages, but that she will be the baby's hero and it will adore her. You may find that you feel left out a bit!

If I had any advice to offer it would be to make sure your dd can be left to go to sleep on her own. Mine doesn't but there is a dad in the house. It would be really hard if there wasn't.

I grew up with a single mum and I would have loved a little sibling. What was great about having only one parent in the house was the lack of arguments or differences of opinion.

Have fun!

[paddyclamp]

Only 2 years between my 2 and my relationship with DS certainly didn't change in a negative way when DD arrived. I was determined that DS wasn't going to "suffer" due to DD's arrival, esp with him being so young himself.

I guess i just made sure DD's basic needs were seen to, ie she was clean, fed, comfortable, and during the newborn stage most of my attention went to DS. Then when DD needed more of my time we'd had her long enough for DS to love and accept her.

DD has been a positive change to our family. Don't worry!

I used to worry i couldn't love a 2nd child in the same way i loved DS but you really do find more love!

[beautifulgirls]

You will find this so much easier once the new baby is here. I worried too when DD#2 was on the way. When she arrived I felt terrible because I actually resented DD#1 taking up my time when I wanted to be with my new baby but thankfully that was a very short lived phase - only a week or so for me and most likely due to all those horrid hormones. Although I might have felt like that inside, I was careful not to let DD#1 know that though at the time. As time went on I knew that I had such a deep love for both of my girls that I could never have understood until dd#2 came. Loving both of them equally and meeting both of their needs is just not a problem. It will work out just fine and your DD#1 will be so thrilled to have a sibling I'm sure. Consider the new baby as being as much for her as for you.

[FllightAttendant]

Hi again, there are some great replies here
I have just had another little boy (he is 4 months already!) and Ds1 was 4 just before the baby arrived.
I found it very very hard, particularly as a single parent. I was close to Ds1 before but also we have had struggles over the years - he has seen me quite depressed, which just means I'm a bit serious or preoccupied and also a bit vulnerable sometimes, so his behaviour will get to me when really he's just being a little boy.
When I got pregnant I was quite ill for a few months, which rocked his world - it wasn't easy as the second father left us/I didn't let him come back, as he was very strange/cruel etc. (long story!)
So Ds1 had a lot to deal with. My parents have always been there for him and that helped.
Anyway I had the baby and for a few days, Mum stayed around - ds1 was so angry and upset he could not even look at me. He was floored. I couldn't get out of bed for a while but actually after a week or so I was up and about, which helped a lot (if I am ever ill, it terrifies him, so that was the main thing) but even so he spent a few days being very angry and shouty. One night he just started to cry, and the tears poured out - I held him, it was so hard for him, suddenly everything was different. He was better after that.
We were all in the one big bed, and at first he used to find the baby's noise upsetting, but after a while he learnt to sleep through it - I would take Ds2 downstairs of he was noisy in the night, luckily it wasn't often - good baby!!
(This is quite a raw account of our first months, hope it helps though)
Ds1 would be vaguely aggressive to Ds2 for a few weeks. I made it clear that I knew he hated the baby but I wasn't going to let him hurt the baby, just like I would never let anyone hurt him, because I had two children I loved now, and they were very precious to me.
We had some hard days but suddenly he started to want to hold and hug his little brother - it was wonderful to see them ganging up on me, I would make a big joke about the baby grabbing my hair or 'headbutting' me, and pretend to shriek, which Ds1 loved and thought was hilarious - also a trick was to go and sit in Ds1's room and watch him play, and talk to the baby about Ds1 and how clever he was. That always brought a little smile to Ds1's face.
All this time, Grandma was Ds1's special person, while I paid attention to Ds2. It was hard to juggle at times.
I felt resentful of Ds1 for stopping me being happy around Ds2 sometimes, because he was being awkward or whatever. I also resented ds2 a little, or really was angry with myself, as I felt I had betrayed Ds1 big time.
However with both of them constantly around there was nothing else to do but all get used to each other, and at 4 months, things are going well - Ds1 no longer aggressive, though he has started school and is cross about that! he really loves his brother now, no doubt. And they each have an ally. Ds2 adores Ds1.
I went througha stage of feeling I had no love left for Ds1, but it was more like no energy as obviously you get tired in the first weeks. I cried a lot, we all did, except Ds2!!!
But I would never go back now. I couldn't.
I hope some of this helps a little bit xx

[FllightAttendant]

Sorry, that was so long! Feel free to ignore!!!

[FllightAttendant]

Just to paraphrase, I did feel I hadn't enough love to go round for a couple of week, I really did. I kept saying it to my mum. But I think that was exhaustion.
I do love them both dearly and that is easier now. The hardest thing is not to deal with each of them, but to integrate the way you deal with both of them, and to accept that they are both here, and that things will change a bit. But you can't stop the process, because they will both be there, so it will happen by itself! Don't worry, you'll cope.

[morningglory]

This is a worry for me too, as i am in the same situation. I'm 22 weeks pregnant with DS2, and DS1 turns 4 in November.

Does it help to prepare DS1 way in advance for DS2's arrival? DS1 is pretty "with-it" and knows that I have his "little brother in my tummy". and that he's not quite ready to come out yet. However, I do know that understanding words versus being hit with the reality of loss of attention are two different things.

Would it help DS adjust if I had my parents stay for 6 weeks after DS2 is born?

[FllightAttendant]

Morningglory, I think from personal experience that unless there are conflicting issues with your parents getting on with your DH etc, it would help massively to have them stay. Are they already close to your DS?
He sounds very intelligent but no matter how much I tried to prepare ds1, it was still a big shock for him. It does help if you are willing to accept his negative feelings about the baby as well as encouraging the positive...I talked several times with Ds1 about how annoying babies can be, etc. and also afterwards, about his mixed up feelings towards his brother. It seemed to help.

[FllightAttendant]

Also bear in mind you will be able to give them both attention, more than you expect - a second baby is usually much easier, honestly! I found this one a doddle compared to Ds1!!

[Moomin]

dd1 was just 4 for when dd2 was born. The gap was good in that dd1 knew exactly what would be happening to our family and she was excited about the baby. She also knew that babies could be quite boring and that she would sometimes think the baby was a nuisance. This part of it actually has helped our relationship with dd1 - they adore one another but, obviously dd2 can be fairly unreasonable when it comes to sharing, shouting and being selfish (we hit the terrible twos this week!) and it's lovely being able to look at dd1 and we both roll our eyes and shrug and say 'That baby! '

Dd2 has enhanced the relationship dynamics in our family no end. But it's also lovely that we've decided to take dd1 to LOndon for the day on her own whilst dd2 will stay with MIL so we can do some more 'grown-up' stuff and gove her lots of individual attention.

[hoxtonchick]

the relationship between my 2 is fantastic & i love watching it develop (ds is 3.5 years older than dd).