Would she be worse at a new school? (please help, urgent)

[LongDale]

Just looking for opinions.

My sister is 13, year 9 at school. She has always been very anti-social since nursery. She has never been able to make friends. She has terrible self esteem issues. She is extremely quiet, nervous and shy. She is also extremely sensitive and tends to cry very easily.

She is also very overweight. She also walks oddly, throwing her feet outwards and then inwards making her appear to "waddle" rather than walk. So as you can imagine, the bullies have a field day with her due to a) her quiet nature b) her weight and c) the way she walks.

Now, because she doesn't look after herself at all (goes to school with greasy hair, sometimes smells and is not bothered about what she wears) kids at school say she is a lesbian.

Anyway, since the start of year 9 she has been wanting to stop off school all the time. She has already been off on 3 seperate occasions...all for a few days at a time plus a full week since september. She says its because she has no friends and is lonely at school, nobody bothers with her, when they do partner work she is always partnered with the teacher because the others don't want to partner with her.

She also has suspected aspergers syndrome.

My point is...my mum is considering putting her in a different school and moving house. My grandmother things this will make no difference to my sister as it is more her personality that is causing the problems, not the other kids (although she knows there is no excuse for bullying).

In your opinion, would things change at a new school or would she just take her problems with her?

[Flowertop]

Your poor sister what a horrible way to spend her school life. I personally don't think changing schools at the moment is going to help as do believe in this case the problems will go with her. I think what needs addressing is her aspergers syndrome. Can she get a confirmed diagnosis. As surely if this is what's wrong she can receive the necessary support. Will she talk to you and perhaps be encouraged to look after herself. Is there anything that she is particuarly good at which could provide a focus for her. Could she get some help with her shyness perhaps some assertiveness training. We attend martial arts training and this has helped with confidence in both my DS's. Could someone look into this. Sorry if not much help but I think she needs lots of help before even a change should be considered.
Hope things work out.

[PetitFilou1]

I can't really help as am no expert but I think I probably agree with your grandmother. Have you tried posting on the special needs bit of MN if you think she has suspected Aspergers - you might get more help?

[zippitippitoes]

it does sound like she needs spome specialist attention..maybe help from the educational psychologist/family therapy typoe of thing

can your mum not help her find personal care fun with special products, and stuff like that?

she needs to be helped to develop social skills or she will carry this with her

[chocolateteapot]

I agree with your grandmother, I think the same problems would reoccur at a new school. I think if your Mum doesn't have any professional help to support her with your sister then she really needs to look at getting some to address the possible AS.

[fleacircus]

Moving schools wont alter any of her original issues and will give her the added pressure of being the new kid; I don't think I'd do it although I understand the temptation. Some work on the personal hygiene problems could help? And getting involved in an out of school activity is a good suggestion, particularly something physical.

[Blandmum]

I think that she would take her problems with her.

things might be better in a school that had a better bullying policy, but you will always get children in every school who will have a go, and as you say there are lots of reasons why your sister will get singled out.

Probably the best thing that yo could do is see if you can arange for her to have some assertiveness training. We do this through the CAHMS in the school I work in, and it can be very helpful.

Horrible for her, and it shouldn't happen.

[LongDale]

Thanks for the replies. We do not have a confirmed diagnosis as her father is reluctant to have her "labeled" and insists that there is nothing wrong with her but all the signs are there. When she was younger a few people suggested autism...slight downs syndrome was even considered at one point but now as she's gotten older it definately looks like aspergers.

We have tried so much with her, personal care my mum has bought her smellies from the normal teenage stuff (like impulse gift sets) to more grown up stuff (body shop perfume) but she doesnt bother with it. She took her to get her hair cut and the hairdresser had to cut have of the knots out as it had been left unbrushed for so long...when my mum brushes it for her in a morning (which she has to do as sis refuses to do it herself) my sister will scream the house down...EVERY morning she does this, screams at the top of her voice.

Anyway the hairdresser cut it really nice for her and styled it...as soon as she got home she put it back into the old style saying it was in her eyes.

She wont join any out of school clubs, I suggested karate as I love it and my kids do it and there was no way in hell she would even consider it. My mum took her to trampolining at the leisure centre and she started crying as soon as she saw the trampolines and refused to join in. My mum arranged to take her swimming on a sunday morning...bought her a lovely, expensive swimming costume and sis refuses to get up in time...she's been once and she's had the costume a year.

Honestly, we have tried EVERYTHING but she simply will not help herself at all. Last week the school suggested a confidence building group that they have but I don't know what became of it.

[nappyaddict]

i think the only way things would change at a new school is if she made more of an effort with herself. so showered everyday, washed her hair, put on deodrant etc etc.