Calling parents of boisterous boys! How can I get DS to behave?

[florenceuk]

After an initial good start, DS has started acting up in school again. Think of the two or three naughty boys in the class, DS is one of them, so he isn't just a normal boisterous boy, he's in the 90th percentile. His main problems are being too bouncy (and then hurting others - punched one boy in the balls last week, albeit by "accident", not because he was cross), being silly and not concentrating, and not doing as he is told. For example, yesterday he got into trouble for mimicking the teacher. the other day he threw pears at the governors!

He is not cowed by authority (perhaps because at the tender age of 5, he's already spent quite a bit of time outside the head teacher's office). At one level he's very confident but he is also a bit isolated, doesn't have a "best friend" in any way and complains of not being included in the most popular kid's gang. The school get him to "stand out" and he misses play time, golden time etc. We are not lax parents - we try to encourage good behaviour (with stickers and praise) and discourage bad. We probably spend too much time shouting! Punishments range from being sent to his room to having the TV off and not getting his bed-time story. I've pointed out that his behaviour is alienating his friends as they won't play with him. Now DH is talking about not giving him a birthday party, partly because he is worried he will get too excited and cause trouble.

How can we make him behave - I need new parenting strategies desperately! We need to teach him impulse control so that he can put a stop to his own behaviour before it gets out of hand - any ideas? Both DH and I have terrible tempers, and DH admits that he was a delinquent until he was 16 - but I can't wait that long!

[Porpoise]

Florence, I sympathise. I think it is harder for 'bouncy' boys to settle in school. (I have 3 boys BTW)

But I agree that you need to act NOW before your ds gets labelled as 'disruptive'. I've seen that happen - and it's very hard for the child to lose that label once his classmates have labelled him, too.

Do you think your ds is 'bouncy' because he has lots of excess energy? Can you think of things to do with him to 'wear him out' a bit? Football, cycling, swimming, general running about after school and even before.

[nimnom]

Hi Florence (sorry this is so long, you struck a chord!)
I have two boisterous boys. DS1 is 5 and fortunately his behaviour seems to stop at the school gates - ie he saves all the bad stuff for me!
Have you tried talking to his teacher. I found it very helpful last term when ds's behaviour at home was getting quite outrageous and I wanted to make sure it was not happening at school. His teacher was very helpful and in your situation it might be useful to discuss it with them so that you're all singing from the same hymn sheet.
On the birthday party thing - I was dreading it, but actually he didn't have time to get overexcited because we kept the games coming so all the children were busy the whole time.
I use exactly the same punishments as you and my temper sounds a bit like yours too and yes, you guessed it, my husband was a nightmare at this age too!!
I've also stopped my ds from going to things as well if his behaviour gets to out of hand and that seems to be having some effect.
If it makes you feel any better his last words to me when I dropped him off this morning were "I don't want a kiss and don't come and pick me up ever!!" Nice!

Good Luck

[florenceuk]

we go cycling and swimming on the weekend - am thinking about introducing football classes as well. We were doing tennis but he was too disruptive, so we took him out (shame as they were free). It's getting harder to do things after school, like the park, and he also moans a lot if forced to do anything like walk somewhere - he does seem exhausted after school, particularly towards the end of the week.

[Porpoise]

Perhaps it's a tiredness thing, then? Especially if he's only in reception...

DO go and talk to the teacher. A good teacher should have lots of strategies for dealing with this.

Ask her how you and she can work together to nip this in the bud. Maybe you can both use the same rewards scheme to encourage good behaviour?

[florenceuk]

I have to admit I think not giving him a birthday party is harsh, but DH thinks this is better than, say, stopping judo (which he loves). The teacher and I have been talking and I have to admit her tone has been rather accusing (what am I doing as a parent if my son won't behave). Then again, she said DS (1) refused to admit he'd been the culprit and (2) laughed while being told off, both of which I can understand (both being pretty natural responses to being caught out), but sympathise with her that this is infuriating. So we had a conversation about what teachers expect when they are telling you off (look serious and sad, not giggle). We've got a little book in which they record behaviour - I'm not sure what I'm meant to write in response!

[florenceuk]

Ds is in year 1 - last year he was dreadful but improved in the last term.

[nimnom]

Have you tried rugby?
DS1 has just started and I've never seen him behave so well!

[Porpoise]

OK, sounds like the teacher is not being as supportive as she could.

SHOW her you mean business. Use the record book to reinforce teacher's authority/good behaviour at home.

So, notice that he's had a good day and reward it some way. If it's been bad, say, 'I see xxx happened today. I'm disappointed to hear that. If you have a good day tomorrow, you can have/we'll do yyyyy'

Write down what you've said/done in the book, so the teacher can see you're following through.

Then make an appointment to see her in a week or so, and ask for feedback.

[florenceuk]

Porpoise thanks - that sounds like a good idea, if only to reinforce that I am not a bad parent (I cringed when the reaction in one of the threads here was that boisterous children had bad parents who didn't notice the harm their children did - I'm all too aware).

[Porpoise]

No worries - and all the best.

You sound like exactly the sort of parent who will get this sorted really quickly.

Oh and ** to those who think all boisterous boys have can't-be-arsed parents! We know different, don't we?

[cheeset]

Hi florenceuk, have you tried the naughty step? I have a particularly awkward son and I used this strategy, still do but only very occasionally now as hes 10!

He obviously started school in the sept when he was 5yo but didn't go full-time until the January as he was the youngest in the year and a bit of a handful!

He is much easier now so there is light at the end My dh was also delinquent but very clever with it!

I use the step on my dd whos 5. She has been a bit of a madam lately as it takes them a while to get back into the swing of school.

[nimnom]

Porpoise - yes we do know differently.Totally agree.

[Scotia]

Florence, I'm reading this thread with tears running down my face. I recognise your problem only too well.

Yesterday, after a long list of incidents, I decided to withdraw my 3.8 year old from his (school) nursery place. He is not aggressive or violent, but he is bouncy and active - especially when he is bored and the staff don't give him the challenges he needs.

When I went to pick him up yesterday, all three members of staff were standing glaring at my crying ds, while making an example of him to the other children. He had thrown sand and it went down a girl's back. I asked what was wrong, and was humiliated by the nursery nurse to such an extent I picked him up and left without a word.

I have spoken to my ds about the incident and explained the dangers of throwing sand near other people and he apologised (in fact, he had tried to apologise to the girl - who wasn't hurt or upset - at the time, but was pounced upon and told to 'get away')

I cant advise you but I can certainly understand your predicament.

[florenceuk]

aah poor you Scotia. IME, if there is sand, somebody will throw it (not just my DS!). I wonder if a smaller group might work better? In DS's nursery year there were (and are) an overwhelming number of boys relative to girls, but more importantly the nursery teachers also liked all the kids (including my naughty DS) and were probably if anything too accomodating. He had a lovely reception teacher who had a boisterous boy of her own, but the Year 1 teacher is less tolerant.

Cheeset I tend to send DS to his room as the step is right next to a big pile of shoes - he then used to tie all the shoelaces in knots, extremely annoying. In his room, he can drum his feet on the wall and chill out (I can remember being sent to my room and screaming for ages until i realised nobody was listening...).

Porpoise, I'm not confident of success as we've been having problems for so long (since nursery) but I thought he might just grow up a bit plus two years of sticker charts, no TV etc seem to have had very little effect in the new school year. I would really like to stop shouting but I'm just driven to it. Anyone have views on cancelling the birthday party?

[cheeset]

I wouldn't cancel the party, IMO he won't understand what the big deal is. I would invite the kids and more importantly the parents who know what he's likeA small manageable gathering.

My friends dd a live wire and always blooomin jumping off wardrobes, climping on furniture, running baths and jumping in, drawing on walls A COMPLETE NIGHTMARE but she also has an adorable side. Everyone knows what she is like.

Do you know what I mean?

Maybe not the 2 hrs long party thing, shorten it because he will get bored and start running amuck!

[nimnom]

Scotia,
I really feel for you. I was so lucky at pre-school because my ds had the most amazing keyworker (apparently ds reminded her of her son!) and managed to get the best out of him.
I can't believe how badly your ds has been treated.I agree with Florence about the sand - in fact my boys both enjoy eating it (what's that about - must come from dh's genes!!!)
DO you speak to any of the Mums at nursery. What do they think - I've heard of mushc worse behaviour at the prescholl my son goes to and every time it was sorted out in a much more sensitive manner - after all he is only 3!! And he did try to apologise - more than a lot of adults can do.

[florenceuk]

those parental genes - DH handed out a whopper package! He attributes his bad behaviour partly to the fact that his parents were quite old (for the time) and had given up. So he took apart the vacuum cleaner, the sewing machine and various clocks; wrecked the school bus by sticking gravel in the gear box; and was thrown out of sunday school. Boarding school was even worse.

[nimnom]

My dh has no excuse - his parents seem like perfectly normal (well most of the time!) people to me. Actually it's interesting exchanging stories with my MIL about our boys and comparing notes. From what she tells me I'm getting off relatively lightly although it's hard to believe sometimes.

[Porpoise]

Florence, please don't cancel the party.

It's a REALLY big punishment and, unless I read your OP wrong, he hasn't done anything REALLY awful yet. I'm sure this won't happen but what will you do if his behaviour gets worse? If you hand out this huge punishment now, you're setting yourself a very big punishment threshold to start from.

Another thing to bear in mind: year 1 is a big transition - from playing with a little bit of sitting still to sitting still with a little bit of playing. Yes, the year 1 teacher is less tolerant but she kind of has to be (not that this helps your ds but it does go part of the way in explaining her attitude).

I can also tell you that, with only one exception, all the original boisterous boys in ds1's class (ds1 included!) are now lovely, kind, well behaved, (almost) sensible year 5s. If you keep your cool, ignore the playground tutters and stay utterly utterly boringly consistent at home, it DOES get results. Promise

[nimnom]

That's great advice Porpise. especially about Playground tutters - they've got a lot to answer for!

[florenceuk]

Thanks for the reassurance - sick of ds being 595th percentile boy. toDay apparently better bbut nanny reported ds's latest song was 'what a naughty boy i've been.'so he spent some more time in his room. those playground tutters do get to me but you're right, i need to be consistent. thanks again

[nooka]

The other thing that may be reassuring is that there are probably lots of other children in your ds's class who are just as badly behaved as he is at the moment, and most of them will grow out of it. It's not always that obvious who is on the teachers' radar - I was really surprised. ds was always a pain at nursery and school (occasionally at home too) but in yr4 he is now much more aware of his behaviour, and able to moderate it. We have some cracking letters from school - including the one about calling his teachers "Mrs Wee Wee" and "Mrs Poo Poo". I don't think they felt we were being supportive enough of their efforts either... Luckily ds has his good side too, and usually manages to charm his teachers enough that they didn't really lose their rag with him. We know that food is a big factor for ds (not running out of energy) and getting bored is an issue too. Mainly though, they just have to grow out of it.

[florenceuk]

whoops - typing on home wireless thing so lots of typos. Bumpity bump if there are other suffering mums out there and want support (and to blame their DH's genes)...

[EBAB]

Ds (3.4) can be boisterous - 'ferral', as my dad termed him the other night .

And dp, when at school, threw a chair at the teacher when she insisted he do country dancing. Double .

We had a look around the same school for ds, and said teacher is still there. When we poked our heads around her door, she gave dp the most knowing of knowing looks I've ever seen .

Good luck.

[florenceuk]

Nooka - snap! just found out that one child put another's head down the toilet which made me but also a bit relieved - not just my DS to gossip over. Mind you, the school called one boy's mum because he drew on the carpet which seems relatively harmless compared with DS's antics.

We roleplayed what to do if DS got annoyed today - me jumping around and being annoying, and DS having to say "stop it!" in a loud voice, and "I'm going to tell the teacher."