Please tell me this gets easier

[ChubbyScotsBurd]

I'm sorry, I seem to take so much on Mumsnet but feel I've not got much to give back right now, but I just need people to tell me this will not be forever.

My baby's 11 weeks now and while some things are getting better (he does sleep at nights for the most part) other things seem to be getting worse. He's restless and wakeful during the day (only naps in the sling or bouncy chair (both while moving), for half an hour at a time max, maybe 2-3 times on good days). He gets very easily overstimulated/overtired, when he starts kicking and flailing, 'shouting', wide-eyed, panting etc, then he gets into full-scale screaming/gasping for breath/hysterics until he falls asleep, but this can go on for a good 30mins plus before he passes out knackered. If I miss the window of tiredness he just gets into the manic screaming and then when he does fall asleep he wakes up very quickly and easily so starts all over again. He's worst in the evenings, classic 'colic' pattern, but I think it's just tiredness really, and excitement from dad arriving home/tv going on/long day behind him etc. We have no set routine, demand BFing and me trying to watch him like a hawk for signs he's tired. Once I do get him to sleep he very frequently wakes himself up by hitting himself in the face/scratching himself/generally thrashing around in a dream. So I have always got to stay with him for a good 20mins plus once he's nodded off. Oh, and I have to feed him to sleep at night because moving him inevitably wakes him so I feed him to sleep on our bed because we're cosleeping (because we have to due to moving him waking him etc etc :sigh: ).

My head's full of worries that he has to be fed to sleep, he can't be moved, he gets so overstimulated, I'm so crap at spotting the signs, I have SO much to do because we go away to see the inlaws this weekend, I'm worried about money, my OH needs constant reminding that he's no longer a batchelor and he can't just come home and spend 3 hours playing online because I need help around the house (although he's good with the moral support and patient with me), I have to go back to work in January and I don't know how on earth that's going to work out, and my baby, although getting better, still has these huge sleep problems and I can't bear to see him almost sick with hysterical crying most nights because I just can't time it right to get him to sleep.

I really don't think I'm depressed, and I do think I'm doing everything I can to stay in control and make my life easier but it's so hard not to feel like I'm letting my baby down and everyone else seems to be so in control at this stage ... as I say this is a blatant request for MN reassurance, I'm sorry to ask for help again and again but I just struggle right now to see that this can ever get better.

HV coming tomorrow, bet I feel fine by the time she arrives ... :tears hair out:

[PregnantGrrrl]

not sure what to advise you, but (((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))

re: the sleep thing, maybe scratch mits and bundling up in a blanket? Probably too late for swaddling, but maybe worth a try?

and kick OH up the arse- you aren't wonder woman, and he's got to do his bit too!

Hope HV is helpful for you x

[tulip27]

Ok, I think you are really expecting too much of yourself here. You had your baby only 11 weeks ago, its hard and your not expected to get everything right straight away, anyway there is no such thing as right as everyone parents so different. I really want to reccomned 2 books to you, the first is the Baby Whisperer and A best friends guide to motherhood. I wish I could show you how well you have done so far, there are women I know who still have children awake all night and the child is 3!

[moodlumtheWOOOHOOHOOhoodlum]

Its really hard, but it does get easier.

Agree with Pregnantgrrrl that swaddling might still help. Also, (and I daren't mention routines for fear of being eaten alive) but I found the Baby Whisperer by Tracy Hogg really useful - it talks about Eat Activity Sleep, for the baby (rather than strict times for feeds etc).

Two other things - walks outside during the day are helpful because of fresh air and its an opportunity for both of you to have a little calm (even if, like my dd, lo screams and screams for the first 10 minutes of a walk, its better than being in a confined space). Finally, when your DH comes home, make sure he understands that he has to be calm, and try and keep ds away from the TV in the evenings.

HThelps rather than lectures! Someone else will be along in a minute to offer better advice I'm sure!

[colditz]

Oh this will NOT be forever. Think how much your life has changed in the past 12 weeks! It will keep changing. In 6 months time, you will have a sitting bouncing moving jolly little person!

When he doesn't need feeding so frequently (and this will happen as he grows) he will settle into his own pattern of night sleeping and less day sleeping. He 'should' (and I use this word loosely) be having about 3 naps a day BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER IF HE ISN'T. NOBODY is in control of a baby - only the baby. Some babies are easier than others, and this is in no way a reflection on you. When, if, you have another baby, you will be stricken how different they all are.

Have you any pattern with how you treat him? Some babies are very comforted by this (ds1 was, ds2 was a Bolshevic). With ds1, I used to play, then feed, then sleep, play feed sleep all day until bedtime when it went to feed sleep, feed sleep.

I would EXPECT a baby of 11 weeks to feed to sleep, both mine did, no sleep disorders there.

I hope I've reassured you a little bit - don't beat yourself up, PLEASE!

[xXxamyxXx]

poor you dont be hard on yourself they dont come with manuals and usually takes time to get a good routine going and sometimes you can do everything right and do it a hundred times and they will still scream!so its not byour doingcould he be a windy baby?

[ChubbyScotsBurd]

Thanks folks.

I very occasionally get away with swaddling him but he really hates it and it can make him worse/tip him over the edge into full meltdown. And the inlaws visit is set in stone, MIL's 60th so we have to visit. Everyone would be devastated if we didn't go, my OH would go mad if I even suggested not going and it would just generally be bad and make everyone think I'm a complete cow.

The BW EASY thing sounds great until you get a baby who needs to feed/bounce to sleep - definitely eats into the Y time!

Thank you though. He will WILL WILL grow up to be a normal person. Please!

[scarybee]

I found it really hard in the first few months too. You really aren't alone. I started swaddling quite late on - can't remember when exactly but definitely after the first six weeks and that did really help. Also second the going out for a walk in the daytime. At that age they generally will sleep in their pushchair if they're tired and once mine was properly off (after about 15 mins) I could go and sit down and have a cup of tea in the caff in the park which was blissful.

I also followed baby whisperer which helped me feel slightly more in control and more importantly, to understand when my baby was hungry and when he was tired.

Can you take some time out when your DP gets home too? Go and have a bath or something with the door shut and loud music on so you can't hear the baby.

Sometimes a break, however short, is all you need to make it better. The first three months are hard but it honestly gets easier and you won't believe its gone so fast in a few months time.

Good luck

[phdlife]

my ds was hard like this, he got overtired at the drop of a hat and I thought I was the World's Worst Reader of Baby Signs. But it does get better, he's fab now - and so will yours be.

Personally I think it's worth saying to your OH, if he wants to go to his parents this weekend, HE needs to organise the trip... but that's just me

Give yourself a day of rest - sleep when he does, or at least lay down, don't worry about doing anything in between, just rest - the world will seem a better place...

[colditz]

Let your DH go 'mad' then. Life's too short to do what your husband wants even if it makes you unhappy.

[ChubbyScotsBurd]

TBH I'm quite looking forward to a trip away for a change if nothing else. My main source of dread is the dinner we're going to - 7.30pm, all the family, in a restaurant, and me with a baby who is guaranteed to lose the plot at that time of night. I'm going to take the sling and spend the evening walking round the carpark! But it will be so lovely for DP's family to see the LO, they're 300 miles away so some haven't met him yet.

I think I need to have another word with DP re the house, and a word with myself about what I am expected to do. My mum's going to come and help because she has holidays booked next week, might ask her to spend an evening or something. DP's great but I'm a total mummy's girl.

The worst of it is, my baby's mood is generally so much better than it was a few weeks back, and he can be SO lovely, but by the evenings it's hard to remember the nice bits. Feel like I need a holiday but I'm even fretting just now cos DP's gone out with LO in the sling ... motherhood - honestly, we all deserve sodding medals!

[FrayedKnot]

CSB, I'm sure many of us remember those days very well and yes, of course it gets better

Don;t forget also this is all new to you and you are adapting to a different lifestyle as is DH so don;t be too hard on yourself.

I don;t think the feeding to sleep or co-sleeping is a problem at all. If he is more settled when you do it, and you feel it allows you to relax and rest, then do it.

I used to co=sleep with DS during the day too, after lunch we would both go and lie down on the bed and I would feed him off to sleep. He would often stir again after about 30 mins so anotehr quick feed and he would go off again - bliss!!

Otherwise I would feed him and put him sleepy into his bouncy chair, or into his pram, and take him for a walk.

There is no way he would have just "settled" by himslef at that age - he hated lying flat anywhere, would flail about and scream and wake up 5 mins later, blankets all kicked off etc.

He also used to sleep on my chest, sometimes I could just sooth him off with a bit of patting. I would then put my feet up for half an hour (make sure you have a book / magazine / tv remote / drink / snack to hand before you sit down )

One of the most important but yet seemingly impossible things is that you try to relax about what you are doing. Do what works. Stop doing what doesn;t. Try not to worry about it.

Good luck with the HV, hope she is helpful.

[fishie]

chubbyscotsburd i could have written your first post.
ds is 2.5 now and has always been really lively, agile and physically active. he fed every two hours round the clock for first 6 months and screamed from 4-10pm until about 5m.

the vibrating bouncy chair is my favourite thing in the entire world. just do whatever you need to it will be fine.

and you can't do much else yet, but i think it is a good idea to prepare your dp that it will all change at about 6-9m. then he will be doing bedtimes and it will be his responsibility.

[FrayedKnot]

Good idea scarybee, I used to put DS in his pram, walk down the newsagent, buy a paper, them walk to the park and I was guaranteed a nice 20 mins reading the paper before he stirred

[gardeninggirl]

Hi Darling - I am there too - my DS (our first - like you I think?) is 11 weeks today as well and what you write really resonates with me.
I too have a lovely boy, well he is when he is first up in the morning after (some) sleep, but who during the day gets more and more overtired. Like your LO he won't settle however tired he seems for naps, he seems to actively fight sleep, and if he goes off it is usually after some crying, and then he never ever sleeps for more than 20 mins. During that 20 mins I rush around like a mad woman trying to get a chance to go to the loo, get some lunch etc. 'Colic' too starts at about 4pm, although I think it is just overtiredness really. It takes about 2 hrs to get him to sleep in the evening, feeding and rocking, but then THANK GOD he sleeps in the evening until midnight. After a feed then he wakes at 3 and thinks it is day time. Can't get him back to sleep, screams if try to put him down so have started co sleeping, just as you have! He is usually awake for most of the rest of the night - sigh.
I have not got any answers to make it better, he hates swaddling, slings he quite likes but he is so heavy he no longer feels safe in the wrap one I have.
For me one day is worse then the next a bit better then the next worse again. I am just taking things each day as they come.
I do firmly believe, however, that having to feed / rock etc to sleep won't affect sleep patterns later on, it is just a phase that we are going through with them now. So am not worrying cos I will do anything, anything to get him to sleep!
Although my ILs have been driving me mad telling me how they all had fantastic babies, going to visit my MIL, which I was dreading did help. It was the way we found out, by accident, how to get him to sleep in the evenings, (the 4 hrs from 8 to midningt has kept me sane - sleeping in pram in room with us with dummy, when he stirs we jump up and put it back in!). So maybe the trip away to family might also help you just by a break in your routine - well maybe!
You are not alone. I too get depressed when I read of people asking how to get their child to drop the one night feed they are having, when my baby is awake for most of it, or reading these wretched 'routines' "Put baby down between 12 and 2" Yeah right?! Chance would be a fine thing!
Sorry for rambling post - am off to bed now, DH (who also spends most of his time on the internet has offered to sit on dummy duty for a few hours.
Thinking of you
GG

[ChubbyScotsBurd]

DP home, crying started, off to bed with LO, but have read replies quickly and thank you all - and (((GG))) - solidarity!

[Hamishsmummy]

ditto the baby whisperer
ditto getting out of the house as much as poss
ditto it does get easier, promise x

[Cocobear]

Oh, ChubbyScotsBurd, I know what you mean! DD (14 weeks) will only nap on top of me (or DH, when he's home). This is NOT convenient. But I remember DS doing the same at that age, and from age 2 he went to sleep on his own, stayed down for 12 hours, and has never looked back. So even though living proof that it gets better is tucked under his jungle animals blanket in the next room, I'm still struggling with DD's naps! Or lack of same.

[GTE]

this sounds hard! Think people have said everything really but two questions

1)have you tried swaddling? We tried it for our first baby and it really calmed her down and she would sleep for hours like this. We co-slept - plopped her on top of duvet swaddled and she was much happier. Also in moses basket.
2) I know it is very expensive but I swear by craneal oesteopathy. really really helps with sleeping and colic. We did it with second baby and she is so much happier now after having bad colic in her first month. Definitely worth the money because it is hell to have a crying baby and hell to be so tired yourself.

Hope things improve soon and check this out... they call it child-led

gxxx

[beanstalk]

You sound like I felt when my DD was that age (she's 9 months now). Big hugs, you are doing a great job, you are BFing him, you are worrying about him, and you are there for him. You sound like you are a great mum and YES it does get easier, it will fall into place soon. 11 weeks is so young still, don't put so much pressure on yourself. It sounds like you have a bright and demanding baby which is hard work now but he will be so much fun as he grows, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
My DD was fed to sleep, she just grew out of it at about 6 months, also had big sleep problems which again got easier as she got older. Other posts have some good practical suggestions but please believe me, you are doing well and it will get better.

[gardeninggirl]

Hi CSB,
Hope your day a bit better - how are you feeling?
Last night we were up from 4am! I gave up trying to sleep eventually, and by 7 am we had done our supermarket shop - just to get out in the pram!
But at lunchtime I was so knackered I tried FrayedKnot's technique of co sleeping/feeding for lunctime nap. Amazed - he slept for 30 mins, fed again (just like she said) and then we both slept for another hour - Wow! I will be doing that again .
Love the poem GTE - so so true!
GG

[bigboydiditandranaway]

Walking is great for both of you, me & ds go once/twice a day and usually see someone we know to say hello to.

I'm sure colic usually only lasts for 12weeks so at least you won't have that to contend with for much longer so that will be easier.

With regards to going back to work, just take one step at a time.

Congratulations too!

[ChubbyScotsBurd]

Thanks everyone. Having another nightmare day, he's perched on my shoulder screaming with tiredness but absolutely refusing to sleep. Just have to sit it out while he yells at me, but it's been known to take literally hours. Just feel helpless/crap/inadequate/sorry for him/angry at him etc etc. Hate this. FFS I'm a smart, capable person, why is this so hard and why can't I be more patient and compassionate? [bashes head emoticon]