Is it normal to have mixed feelings when trying for a second child ?

[rookiemum]

Our DS is 18mths so I have come off the pill as we would like to have another. But I'm just wondering if my antipathy is normal.

When I became pregnant with DS I was just filled with excitement because we are not in our first flush of youth and my family has a history of low fertility.

I had a difficult birth but then so do a lot of people, BF didn't work out mainly because DS has a tongue tie and I found the first two months horrendous. I didn't cope well with the lack of sleep and although I loved DS I don't think I bonded with him until a few weeks later. My relationship with DH also suffered as well as we hadn't been married long and were still in newlywed bubble that was violently broken by baby.

Our relationship is now good and I am really enjoying being back at work p/t. I do want another but the thought of morning sickness and the birth and the first few weeks, arrghh and I think if and when I do get that blue double line I'm not going to feel the unmitigated joy I did the first time.

Very long and rambly way of asking AM I NORMAL ?

[walbert]

Ooh, definately! Dh wants to try for second baby now (dd is 10m) but i don't, and while i enjoyed being pregnant previously (although i had a nasty tear in labour and my dd also didn't bf, just wouldn't or couldn't latch on even though we were tearing our hair out for 3 weeks trying to get her to!) the thought of having another baby right now just isn't leaving me feeling overjoyed, even though you know something good will be happening!

[MrsTittleMouse]

We're making the decision right now. (Actually, shh, don't tell anyone, but we made the decision in Pizza Express on Sunday, and we are going to have a go. ) We have fertility issues though, so it's not a forgone conclusion.
And yes, I am going through exactly the same feelings. I am ill at the moment, and so is DD. DH came back from work and was full of the joys of spring, I just wanted to pull the duvet over my head and hide for a couple of days. I just keep thinking, are we crazy to even consider that I could cope with another?!? Plus I had a difficult pregnancy, plus the birth was horrendous, plus DD was a very demanding newborn. We're only just getting our sex life back on track and I know that DH would be keen to have more sex before we have another. And then we work out timing issues and realise that it isn't a good idea until next year and get really disappointed.
We're all nuts I tell you, nuts!

[rookiemum]

Gosh walbert I couldn't even have contemplated another when DS was 10 mths, although one of my NCT group had her second when her DS was 14mths old, I know I wouldn't have coped well with that age gap.

[rookiemum]

Good luck to you MrsTittleMouse.

Originally I had said I wasn't even going to consider it in 2007, this was my year to get back to work and enjoy DS getting a bit older, but then I see some cute little babies and DS pats them on the head and, yes I must be a bit addled because the idea of having another seems not so bad ....

[happyathome]

rookiemum-been totally indecisive myself about a second for past couple of years(mainly this year).DD now 5.2.I go through patches of real enthusiasm,then we hit 'illness' zone,or rough marraige patch,then all my positive thoughts fly out the window.So many reasons why i don't really want a second(plus all your reasons).DD's age makes it worse(may not be close to sib,we are settled and have all the sleep we want-nearly,DD pretty independant...much easier pysically for me).
spent many hours reading all the MN threads on only children(we are both onlies),and anything '2nd' child related.
totally lost interest over summer,then WHAM,this month i couldn't control myself whatsoever IYKWIM...left it to nature,really surprised myself.Little voice said day after "what the hell are you doing,youv'e took months to conclude you don't want another then you do this!".(BTW,wasn't just a 'lust' session,definately wanted to do it for the sake of reproducing.
Anyway...tommorow i'm due my AF and had much PMT(well think it is...but so do many other pregnant mums before the test.

TBH,main reason i keep going back to trying,is i realise deep down,my main fullfillment in life,comes from caring for my own family/home and although there are moments from hell,there is so much joy too and sharing and LOVE. At the end of the day, i'm thinking.. if we always go with our instincts and make love the mission,anything can work out.
i would so love to do successful BF too and know what it was like to have a baby without 24/7 first-time parental neuroticism.Worry though whether i really would remember how to do it all again,would i really be that confident 2nd time,or worry enough for two?!!
does it all come back to you 2nd timers?
It's the guilt i would feel about DD1 that would probably put a damper on things,and losing our special one-one relationship forever!!.
Guess it's normal to have such mixed feelings,as we know what's ahead this time and feel there is as much to lose as to gain?!.
Agree with MN on here though,that it's all down to whether YOU really want another and you want them,just for them and not to provide a sibling.
Think i would cry with a BFP and regret it at first,but after a few days warm to it and then get excited!.Think i'd bond with a
'fetus' better too,as first time just felt like been taken over by an alien...just too weird...took a while(after birth) to fully accept i'd had a baby/human inside.
anyone else experienced this?.
You just have to be so so honest with yourself about what it will do to your family...will it enhance or destroy.Think 'fluffy' fantasy can take over if your not careful,and you can only remember the 'cooing'bits.If we reaaly listen to ourselves, i think we know all the answers about our own family situations.
Somehow,i think if a marraige has survived one baby,it will survive more,unless you both have strong personal dreams of a different kind for the future,that don't involve kids or obviously,if finances would be too stretched e.t.c.
A small gap would have had advantages for DD,but at 18 months i could of not coped with two,or enjoyed it.DD filled my world.Couldn't imagine another then.Wanted to give her as long as possible with our attention(like the happy 'only' childhoods we experienced).wait at least till she was at primary school before another.
Main thing i ask myself is....am i willing to make all the sacrifices neccessary to welcome another,do i think it would all be worth it for ALL of us,is the end result worth all the pain...guess i must think so 50% of the time to be so on the fence!.
WHAT A RAMBLE...am i the rambliest mumsnetter around ?...spout all at once i do,then dissapear again.
hope that gave you food for thought and good luck.keep us posted and so will i this week on my am i aren't i.(2 week wait far worse than pregnancy in my opinion!)
all the best everybody.
bye

[happyathome]

good luck MrsTittle Mouse too.I feel for you.Hope you feel better soon and DD too.Exactly same thoughts as you this week.DD with throat infection,off school all week...am i mad?!!..lets all have our own mad hatters tea party eh?!(Alice in Wonderland scene,if anyone miffed)
.
Sanity been saved though by a fiction novel from library called 'Secret Diary of a Demented Housewife',by Niamh Greene,about a woman with two kids and previous high career.
Soooooo hilarious i nearly wet myself laughing....a sure way to put yourself off having two kids though(focuses a lot on both kids ganging up on mum a lot and simultaneously making a huge mess,or them getting in each others way and fighting(ages 3 and 18 months)...so funny though.

some men say you can't argue with women.I say you can't argue with women's hormones

[MrsTittleMouse]

Thank you! Sadly we are boring practical people and are thinking about boring practical issues too - getting my reproducing over and done with, so I can get back to the workplace, close age gap so they can play together, my advancing years...
Actually, I was thinking about this thread in bed last night, and realise that we don't do the big romantic warm and fluffy things anyway. Or rather, we don't vocalise them. DH didn't do the Big Proposal thing when we got married, and I didn't do the Big Announcement thing when I saw the 2 little blue lines. It was more like a complete shock that the fertility treatment had worked (after 8 goes!) and wondering what on Earth we had let ourselves in for.

[Elibean]

God, yes

[Soph73]

Our DS is 5 in a couple of weeks and I vowed that I would never have a 2nd child. Out of the blue last year I changed my mind and absolutely HAD to have another one and am now 9+4 wks pregnant

[Piggy]

Completely normal. I got pg with ds2 when ds1 was only 4 months old. If I hadn't had ds2 then I'm not sure when would have been a good time and ds1 may well have been an only child.

[expatinscotland]

Absolutely!

I felt soooo horrible and guilty towards the end of my pregnancy with DD2 that we were doing something cruel to DD1.

[Lizzylou]

Very normal, there is exactly (bar 10 days) two years between our boys and when I was pg with DS2, although it was planned, I was filled with so much doubt and worry. Could I cope? Will the birth be as bad? Will I ever sleep again? Can we afford it? And on and on and on...

My fears were unfounded, your second is much easier because you are more chilled out and experienced, I actually enjoyed it more the second time around. Not so much that I want to go for a third though!

Good luck, you will be fine and your fears are totally natural.

[Soph73]

However, while trying to conceive I kept chaning my mind and wondering whether I was doing the right thing. So I definitely think you´re normal

[dissle]

we are at that "talking about it" stage.
worked out childcare costs and its like having a second mortgage, so for now its a no.
im not 100% sure its what i want.
im 37 also.

i just think that when we were trying for ds we wanted him SO much, i NEEDED to have a baby, it was overwhelming. now i dont feel that overwhelming feeling so does that mean that ia m not that bothered or ready?

10000 questions going round my head, i still dont know.

[swollen]

Im 3 weeks with no 3. when thinkin of no 2 i wondered constantly for 9 months if i had enough love to give to another baby but when she was born the feelings were amazing all over again. Yes it was hard work as both were in nappies at same time but i coped and held down full time teaching job. Have found this pg much tougher on me and am off work early. roll on birth of my final baby!

[swollen]

just read my message and im 34 weeks not 3!!!

[MrsTittleMouse]

Blimey, seems like there is no-one who doesn't have mixed feelings about DB2!

[rookiemum]

Phew well at least my question is answered I am not alone !

[happyathome]

still not started AF!.
have resigned myself to thinking it will be good if i am pregnant and good if i'm not as the doubts just overwhelm you and i'm fed up of living in constant anxiety about it.
if it is meant to be then....
Congrats to you pregnant ones and good luck!-thanks for the re-assurance stories of unfounded worries

[slim22]

same here.
DS is now 3.5 and just tested positive.

We had sort of discussed and come to terms with maybe having just one child. But in the last 6 months DS has constantly been asking where is my brother/sister? is it in your belly? when is it coming out? and cooing and marvelling at every passing baby.

I'd always wanted another with a close gap but DH not so sure about the massive lifestyle change/logistics involved with N.2
I thought it a bit selfish but at the same time pregnancy one and first months had been quite easy and had fulfilled all my fantasies about motherhood so I also started thinking along those lines.

We are now very very happy with this pregnancy and by the time baby is here DS will be 4 and going to nursery so I guess will be much easier.

The only thing I guess is readjusting to sleepless nights and logistics. That's why maybe, is DH had been willing I'd had N.2 with a much closer gap...................Then maybe I would have had time to think about N.3 a few years later?