Cliques in school, very long sorry

[rainbowbrite25]

The school cliques are starting to get me down.

Last year when my dd started school I only knew a handful of parents from my dd's nursery and the dance club she was at. Everyone seemed really friendly and I made sure I said hello to everyone.

A few months into the school year my dd was coming home covered in bruises and was stressed about going to school and it turned out a certain boy was kicking and punching her everyday and at one point even licked her face while they were lining up.. after hearing various other things from other parents about what this boy was doing to their children too I wrote a letter to the class teacher and telling her to keep an eye on the situation. A few days later the mother of the boy approached me and told me that the class teacher had told her word for word what I had written in the letter and she said she was shocked and sorry. But obviously things have been awkward since even though I've made an effort to stay friendly. The mother of the boy knows quite a few other mums in the school and they have all been very cool to me ever since..

Over the holidays I had some of my dd's friends over to play and one day when she had her best friend over I thought they were very quiet and I went to find out what they were up to.. I found them coming out of a room with a guilty look and asked them what they had been up to and found out they had been showing each other their private bits, I didn't freak out or make them feel bad I just said "why did you do that"? And my dd said "it was her idea" pointing at her best friend and her best friend said "well she said yes"!!

I did say I would have to tell her friends mum, which they didn't want me to. I couldn't get hold of her on her mobile as she was at work so I sent her a brief message explaining what I had caught them doing and joked 'apparently it was your daughters suggestion but I'm sure you'll get a different story later'.
My H was dropping my daughters friend off so I knew I wouldn't get a chance to speak to her mum face to face and I didn't want the daughter telling her mum without me saying anything first as it would have looked wrong if I hadn't said anything so I thought the text message was fine.

To cut this already very long story short, the mum hasn't spoke to me since! We had a row on the phone as she thought the text message was rude and that I should have waited till the evening & then told her even though I explained I wanted her to hear it from me not her daughter first. We were really good friends before, I looked after her daughter a lot for no money even though I spent a fortune on them while I had them, giving her dinners and buying ice cream at the park etc. I rarely got a thanks either.

So at the start of term yesterday the 2 mums I have mentioned and a few others were huddled in the corner and ignored me and my daughter when we came in and now I am dreading doing this every morning and afternoon and feeling miserable about taking her to the park after school and having to sit through school assembly's and concerts while I feel I am being talked about, honestly has no one anything better to do?! I obviously don't or I wouldn't be bothered no? I thought I had left this crap behind when I left school. Sorry about it being so long any advice appreciated.

[NKF]

Poor you. I kind of think it's not a message for a text but it's still odd that she racted so badly.

[cornsilk]

That's an awful situation rainbow brite. Once a teacher told me that my ds's friend's mum had been in to complain to her about the relationship between my ds and hers. The teacher was very indiscreet and told me about it which really upset me. It sounds like the teacher was just as indiscreet in your case.

[AMAZINWOMAN]

Its hard to joke by text, as sometimes people dont read it properly and take it the wrong way. She probably just read it in a hurry

but her reaction is a bit over the top!

[cornsilk]

I can see how she could have taken the text the wrong way. Do you feel that you could possibly contact her to clear the air?

[zubb]

talk to the other mothers then - there must be more than just this group.

[rainbowbrite25]

Hi,

Thanks for the advice, I do talk to the other mums there too but I just hate being made to feel so small. I wouldn't contact the other mum again as when I did ring to clear the air we rowed and it upset me some of the things she said, I know its childish that's why I am so surprised I am so affected by it!! I know I just have to stand tall and ignore them but its still rubbish that I am a mum of 2 and still doing this bitchy crap!

[cornsilk]

Didn't realise you'd already rung the other mum. Well, you aren't the one creating the problem rainbowbrite, rise above it and talk to someone else. Not everyone will know about what's gone on and most people would probably not think anything of it anyway.

[TellusMater]

Gawd. Texting causes all sorts of communication problems. This was something that should have been face-to-face. Especially the comment about it being her daughter's idea.

I would have spoken to the teacher, and spoken to the other parent.

Standing in corners and gossiping is childish though

[bev1e]

Think you just have to get on with it and remember who are the adults here!

[rainbowbrite25]

I agree about texting, I have learnt my lesson, as for speaking to the teacher.. we aren't allowed to talk to the teacher in the mornings, they aren't allowed to stand and chat when they should be getting the kids into the classroom and setting up for the day, this was made very clear in the introduction day. You can make an appointment to see the teacher on one certain day a week (only 2 parents allowed on any 1 day in a 15 minute time slot) but she didn't have available time until 2 weeks later hence the letter. I didn't want to approach the parent in case it turned into a row in the school playground.. Which I would have died with shame about. Never mind I am sure someone else will be next weeks gossip

[fluffyanimal]

On another point, is two girls showing each other their privates really something to talk to the other mum about? It's just harmless curiosity isn't it?

[rainbowbrite25]

I know what the 2 girls did was normal but because I knew about it I felt I had to let the other childs mum know. If I found out that my daughter had done something similar at someones house and I hadn't been told despite the parent knowing, I don't know why but I would have wanted to have been told.

[TellusMater]

Fair enough about the letter to the teacher then. And the teacher handled that very badly anyway.

[fluffyanimal]

I really would have let it go and not said anything if it was me. Maybe the other mum feels like that too.

[maisemor]

Agree that you should not have sent her the information by text message. I would have seen that as a bit rude if I received that kind of message, which in turn would have put me on the defensive. If you see what I mean.

I think you did the right thing with the letter to the teacher. However you might have mentioned in the letter that you would like to speak to her about it as well.

Is it legal for her to be telling the other parent what you wrote? I thought they weren't supposed to mention any names!? It did sound as if the (first) mother took it pretty well though. Do you not think that she was just feeling slightly embarrased that her son had been acting like he had?

In the first case (boy kicking and licking) I think it would have been a good idea for you to have gone over to his parent and have made sure that you bore no hard feelings towards her.

Anyway nothing can change what has already been done. If you really want to be friends with your "old clique" you could go over and say that you are sorry about the way things have panned out, you did not mean any harm with what you have said or done, could we please talk about it and be friends again.

[fizzylemonade]

I complained about one of my closest friend's child as she was doing nothing to prevent her child's behaviour. I was brutally upfront with her but went &talked to the teacher without telling her.

My friend then relaid the story to me about teacher telling her there had been a complaint but my name was never mentioned by the teacher. Luckily her child beat up several children so the finger couldn't be pointed at me! Point is, I am sure that information is meant to be confidential. I had tried the direct approach which was harder because she is my friend.

I would rise above it all, find new friends and don't let paranoia get the better of you in the school playground. Friends who take advantage of your generosity aren't really the friends you want. Start talking to other Mums.

It is like being back at school yourself isn't it?

[Nat1H]

You are only allowed to see the teacher on one specific day a week??

That's disgusting!

I was a teacher before a SAHM, and was always available for parents to speak to. If I couldn't talk before the school day, I would make time after.

Next time you are worried about your DD, go and see the Head teacher. I would also speak to other parents and discuss how they feel about this 'limited' time slot. Maybe you could ask the PTFA to address this problem for you.

Personally, I would rather know about a problem as soon as it happens - not two weeks later!

[rainbowbrite25]

Thanks again for the advice, I know it is crazy to save up all your concerns for a 15 minute time slot a week and then if it is already booked by another parent you have to hold your tongue till you can get an appointment. The school has disappointed me a lot regarding the way they handle things but I am just going to see how they handle things this term.

I have started to make a real effort to speak to everyone and am ignoring any coldness I am receiving from any others.

I feel better anyway! I was a bit pre menstrual this week!

[maisemor]

Glad you are feeling better again