Sharing / sibling rivalry, how do you do this & what do you think of my friends approach

[haychee]

I have 2 dds. One age 6 (almost7) and one age 4. My friend has 2 ds`s of the same ages.

Her boys have seperate rooms and seperate toys. Kind of understandable due to the interests of the differing ages. But because they squabble and or even fight over some more general toys she has decided to put stickers on the bottoms of all her ds2s toys. I mean, they both love to play with trains, they both love playing with playmobil and lego etc (some games are only suitable for the boy that can read or operate the computer - but some are more general and suitable for them both). What she does is if she happens to buy a new train, she will buy 2 identical and put a sticker on the bottom of one so she knows whos is whos. She has a house stacked with loads of toys and she doubles up on all of it because she cant stand the arguements if there was only one green train they would both want it.

I think this is wrong, not only is it darned expensive and takes up alot of space in her relatively small house. But i dont think it is any way encouraging them to share with eachother. And low and behold when we visit them, her boys are very possessive of their toys and arent at all willing to share them with my girls. This i would understand if it was a special item - but they are like it with everything.

My approach is share what toys we have in the house or it will be taken away form you both.

I was astounded this morning when another mother was agreeing with my friend as this is similar to what she does with her dc. Is this what most parents do? I feel its an easy option for a quiet life. Am i the only one who adopts a different approach?

My girls do share very well, we do have the odd squabble but rarely.

Im sorry if this has been covered before, but is fresh in my mind and am interested how others manage this.

[haychee]

Anyone there today??

[haychee]

Hello.........

[bagpuss]

Well, in our house if a toy is bought and it is not specifically for a birthday or special present then it is shared by all my dcs. For eg I last bought a flatball and some tiddlywinks to be shared on holiday, so yes I do think your friend's approach is wrong. My ds2 has recently started playing with the older two dcs toys and they largely let him do this because they know it is correct to share even though it might be their toy.

[haychee]

Good, im not alone then.

I took great pride in myself when i invited myself into their conversation and told them i thought it was wrong and not what i would do. They basically looked at me as if i was mad!

[MilaMae]

Having twin boys this is a real issue for me. If her sons are twins I think her situation is a lot different than yours.

A 2 year gap makes a big difference as there will be some toys the older child will not be interested any more etc. The younger will enjoy copying the older etc.

With twins it's a whole different ball game as they (well mine anyway) always seem to want exactly the same, same age, same sex why wouldn't they. It takes a long time to teach sharing and twins have to start at a far earlier age, from birth actually and have to learn to assert themselves fast. So it's not easy.

We've probably gone down the each having their own route as we have a daughter only a year younger and it made the house far more peaceful. Some things the same, some not but their own. I think it's important for twins to have their own identity and possessions. We've had a few sharing things like garage farm etc too which they of course fight over but are getting better at sharing.

Interestingly I've noticed that at toddler groups and pre-school they are very good at sharing. Can only put it down to all the other sharing eg snacks, garden toys, mummy for cuddles etc thay have to do on a daily basis. Other kids with a 3 year old gap have just never had to share as a baby doesn't want the same toys.

Now they are nearly 4 we're thinking of getting a few more toys to share eg Playmobil hospital between all 3 could be disastrous we'll see.

I think you should cut her some slack as most 6 year olds should be able to share and your 4 year old has an older sister to copy with twins it isn't quite so easy.

[fuzzywuzzy]

My philosophy is share or it goes in the bin... works a treat I must say.

I despise having toys everywhere, and have neither the means nor the inclination to buy my girls duplicate toys.

[Mumpbump]

I have a friend who used a timer to ensure that her boys shared toys equally. I thought it's a bit ott, but I'm sure it worked well and is a different way of dealing with sharing.

[sweetkitty]

My two are 3 and 19 months apart from the 2 comfort twos everything else is shared and is no ones individual toy. If they fight over a toy they get a warning then it goes up on a high shelf and no one gets it.

I don't know how this will work going forward we do have duplicate dolls and prams and some things though.

[thomcat]

Well mine are 6 and 2 at the end of this year but DD1 has SN's and on a development level they are kind of equal so feel and it's been observed by others, that it's like having twins.

I also have no 3 due in 3 weeks and I'll do anything for a quiet life right now.

I don't exactly buy 2 of everything but yes the other day I went to Woolies and bought 2 x mini etchasketches (£1.99 each). I am buying them each a gift from the new abby and made sure that each had an interactiove similar toy to the other from the baby. If I pack a bag of stuff to take on a car journey I make sure I pack 2 dolls, 4 books, both etcha sketches and so on, becasue one wants what the other has, all the time.

Yes of course I teach them about sharing but I also try and limit the number of rows they have.

I don't have 2 of everything but if I could, I would! And for Christmas, one Nintendo dog and not the other - cue screaming rows. What's the point? I either don't buy it or buy 1 boxer barking nintendo dog and 1 pull and tug labrador.

[cleaninglady]

i have dd nearly 6 and ds just 3 so they are quite different in what they play with anyway luckily but must admit that having witnessed the fights over a high school musical microphone that ds got for his recent birthday that i then went out and bought one for dd as well not impressed with myself but i definately wouldnt go down the route your friend has ! the hassle of it not to mention the expense and it wont help them outside the home so no, i wouldnt do it! even if i had two of same gender and similar ages - but with twins i can understand the reasoning!!!

[LoveAngel]

Perhaps with twins I might be inclined to do something like your friend - otherwise,forget it. Learning to share is a huge lesson children MUST learn. Do your friend and her husband label their cups and plates and towels etc? It seems excessive.

[suzycreamcheese]

would it not be a big invitation or at least encourage intentional sabotage?
i know my sister and i would be changing labels and hiding stuff...
sharing can take a lifetime for some to learn but if they are reacting more possesive to the toys with labels it doesnt seem to promote sharing, so doesnt seem to work the way she wanted?
sorry have only read bits of thread..

[haychee]

Hoorah, victory for me then, by the sounds of the responses

No, they arent twins they are 6&4. I can see what you mean about that.

I thought it was ott and its now official the MN website told me so.
I wont actually tell her because she is one of those who always asks advice, appears to really agree with what you say/advise and then goes off and does something else! So there is just no point. I might be forced into the conversation about it one day and i will tell her what i think (kindly/subtly(sp).

[RoseQuartz]

I believe that to buy everything the same for each and every child is not doing the children any good at all.

Surely the children will grow up jealous of each other and everyone else....what will happen when mummy or daddy are not around or not able to afford the money to buy them everything when they will have been raised to expect 'everything'.

We have 6 children, so there's no way we would be able to buy same for each and every child anyway. We certainly don't want to either!

We don't ever buy toys,clothes etc for every child at same time, we tend to buy one this week and alternate so each child has their fair share.

HV advised us to do this to prevent them being resentful and jealous of each other in adulthood.

Don't know if what we do would suit everybody, but it works for us.