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DH has been rough with DS. Am in shock.

38 replies

feelingsick · 01/08/2007 10:39

Last night DS1 (age 4) was up in the night. He had lost his bedtime toy and was having a full tantrum and wouldn't be consoled with another toy. DH was dealing with him and as he became louder and louder took him into the bathroom so he didn't wake up DS2.

He yelled and screamed for a while until DH eventually got him a drink, settled him into bed and he went to sleep.

This morning I noticed he had 3 marks on his arm (weren't there yesterday) and asked how he got them. He told me he banged his arm in the park when out walking with daddy. Also told me he didn't want to show daddy . Anyway, I told DH who was a bit shocked and asked to have a look. He said to DS1 'did daddy do that last night?' and DS1 said 'yes' really quietly

DH was mortified - he left the room and cried. I asked him if he had been rough in the night and he said he had grabbed him hard when he was being uncontrollable but didn't realise he had been so rough.

So my dilemma is this. He has hurt our child enough to leave a mark. That is unforgivable. Or is it?
DH is genuinly sorry, but I can't help feeling that all perpetrators of domestic abuse are 'genuinly sorry' until it happens again.

He is otherwise a fantastic father. But am I just being naive? Do all wives say this about a husband who has hurt them/their child?

I honestly don't know what to think or do . Any advice welcome.

For the record, I am not a troll but have namechanged because, for some reason I feel deeply ashamed of my husbands behaviour.

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filchthemildmanneredjanitor · 01/08/2007 10:43

i think you ned to give him a break.

just forget about it.

it's not like he punched him or something.
sometimes things like this happen when you are trying to control a tantrumming child.

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Saturn74 · 01/08/2007 10:43

I think it is a case of your DH being tired, and cross with your DS for not going back to sleep.
He didn't know he had done it, and yes, he was too rough, but I think you need to keep this in proportion.
Your DH is clearly mortified, and will no doubt be more gentle in the future.

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Sheherazadethegoat · 01/08/2007 10:44

i don't think your dh meant to hurt him. tantruming child in the middle of the night can send anyone over the edge so it sounds like he maybe was a little rough in response.

i think you should talk through what happened with your dh.

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filchthemildmanneredjanitor · 01/08/2007 10:45

i think he's punished himself enough don't you?

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HuwEdwards · 01/08/2007 10:45

As a one-off incident I don't see it as 'unforgiveable' or even 'domestic abuse'.

I see it as a very unfortunate incident when your DS pushed your DH to the limits and he in turn made a grave error of judgment in how much force/strength he used when handling his DS.

From what you write, he sounds genuinely mortified that he did this.

You do seem to be suggesting that there may be more to it however...

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prettybird · 01/08/2007 10:46

I think you are getting this a bit out of persepctive. Your dh didn't try to do hide it and was mortified when he found out he had held him hard enough to hurt him.

As you say, he is otherwsie a fantastic father.

Have you never done anything you that regeret as aparent? We are not all perfect. The best we can do is hope to learn from our mistakes. Your dh now knows that holding on to your sone that hard is enough to hurt and to leave a mark. God knows, there have been times when I have been at the end of my tether and have heald on to my ds' arms firmly, to look into his eyes and talk to him while he is having a tantrum. I don't *think I ever marked him - but I could have done.

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MascaraOHara · 01/08/2007 10:46

I don't think it's anything to worry about to be honest, poor bloke is probably beating himself up enough already.

I bruised dd once by accident, she was having a massive tantrum, trying to kick, bite and punch. I was trying to calm her, she was really struggling though and I think the combination just resulted in a slight bruise.

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MascaraOHara · 01/08/2007 10:47

oops lots of x-posts

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littlelapin · 01/08/2007 10:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Meeely2 · 01/08/2007 10:48

Have you ever dealt with your child when he has been uncontrollable? Do you know how out of control he can be? I ask because I think this is a genuine accident. My sons can go loopy at the loss of a toy, especially in the night when they are tired. I have often held them by the tops of their arms to restrain them while they calm down so they don't hurt themselves. i have noticed red marks after the event but they soon go down, they are not caused by me squeezing, more them trying to escape my clutches while throwing their heads back and screeching at the top of their lungs.

I honestly don't think your dh has done this through anger, is he a big man? Maybe he just held him harder than he should of and didn't realise. If he was in the bathroom it could have been he was trying to stop DS from hitting his head on the sink/bath/loo?

A man who deliberately hurt his son and was covering up would not have asked your son 'did daddy do this?' and then cried when the answer was yes. I would imagine he would be angry of being accused not upset.

I say take a deep breath, console your DH, console your son and explain that daddy didn;t mean it he was just trying to calm him down. Then when DS in bed, discuss with your DH ways of dealing with temper tantrums in the future.

Please DO NOT feel ashamed, DH is feeling enough shamefor the both of you.

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BandofMothers · 01/08/2007 10:49

If he was in full blown tantrum it could have been as he picked him up to take him out the room. You know how they wiggle and twist about. Would think is quite easily done really, were they big marks, or marks you think would have taken some force to make???
He is obviously horrified. I'd give him benefit of the doubt this time, but keep my eyes peeled.

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filchthemildmanneredjanitor · 01/08/2007 10:49

dh and i together dislocated ds1's elbow once putting armbands on him. dh did it another time pulling him out from underneath a rack in next. he is not a n abuser-it was just an accident.(and ds1 was very shallow jointed!]

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feelingsick · 01/08/2007 10:49

thanks for responses

I must admit I am feeling relieved as I was dreading people saying 'What the hell are you doing letting him get away with hurting your son'. I suppose I felt I was being unfair to DS by not doing more.

DH does generally have a shorter fuse than me, but if he feels the red mist he usually just walks away and asks me to deal with it. I suppose he didn't because it was the middle of the night.

DH has already told me he has a knot in is stomach worrying about what he did.

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yellowpoo · 01/08/2007 10:50

Your know your partner better than anyone. If this is not something in his normal nature, he has probably shocked himself into realising his own adult strength in dealing with DS. If this is the case, it is very unlikely to happen again. He proabably needs to spend a bit of time with DS, so he and DS can talk and regain trust.

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wheelsonthebus · 01/08/2007 10:50

feelingsick - i wd feel like you do. have a chat with yr dh, and maybe suggest that when he really is wound up, he must shout for you to come. i think one parent can step in when the other is really rattled

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expatinscotland · 01/08/2007 10:51

Both DH and DD1 are dyspraxic and of course as happens he tripped over his feet, then tripping her and she wound up with a HUGE scrape and bruise on her arm.

It happens.

He didn't mean it.

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witchandchips · 01/08/2007 10:51

agree with rest of posts. If ds is going though a stage of having these tantrums though you might want to talk through with your dh strategies about holding and restraining so it does not happen again. Could be for example that it is safer not to grab him but to remove dangerous objects iyswim

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feelingsick · 01/08/2007 10:53

Can't tell you how please I am that the general consensus is that I'm blowing it out of proportion

Just felt a bit stunned when I saw the marks and how oddly DS was being about his daddy this morning.

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Easywriter · 01/08/2007 10:53

I disagree (slightly) with the other posters FeelingSick.

I agree, that its not the end of the world and your DH isn't a bad parent (yet!!!).

I'll explain by way of a question.
What happens the next time DC get him really wound up?

I had a similar problem where DP was returning DD to her room (she was SERIOUSLY being a pain) but was so annoyed that her effectively threw her onto her bed, she banged her head on the headboard. AWFUL, AWFUL)

I had to have a word with DP even though like your partner he was really upset.

I didn't have a go but I did strike up a conversation about it and point out to him that he has to be the adult ALWAYS and NEVER do that. SOmetimes the adult thing to do is to just walk away and let them scream the house down, or ask you to deal with it. Whatever, but not be physical.

I don't mean to woryy the hell out of you as I really think part of the problem is little ones are so light that it's easy to do them harm if you are emotional.

I guess I'm saying don't let it go, deal with it, learn from it, work out a strategy for next time. (There will be a next time if you DC are like my DC). No-one is perfect but imho we are obliged to TRY to work towards being what our children need us to be.

Good luck!

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feelingsick · 01/08/2007 10:59

Thanks Easywriter

I agree that while his remorse is a good sign, it doesn't mean I can just let this go. We will have a proper talk tonight as DS is currently at a stage where he is really pushing the boundaries and these tantrums are becoming quite frequent.

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summerunderakaftan · 01/08/2007 15:21

I think here what it boils down to is how the marks were made whether it is even worth having a very serious talk about it.
If they were made while he was picking up and restratining your ds who was wriggling wildly in his grip that alone causes the same effect as a chinese burn and was really nobodys fault. If however it was rough handling because he was getting stressed out as was the case of easywriters dp then yes you should talk about future strategies for dealing with it.

I would probably over react to something like this as well but on calming down realise that I am not perfect either and that I was probably being a bit hard.

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hercules1 · 01/08/2007 15:24

Dd (3) has had some awful tantrums where I've had to physically restrain her somewhat and because she's been pulling herself away and thrashing about I've wondered whether she would get a mark. SHe didnt but could have iyswim. I really wouldnt worry about what happened.

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chopster · 01/08/2007 15:35

My dp found our children a handful at one time. He got to the stage where he was overdisciplining them, and being too heavy handed. One afternoon he did the same thing as your dp. Ds1 has sn, and can be very uncontrollable at times. Trying to restrain him during a tantrum, ds1 ended up with brusing from being held too tightly. He told his preschool teacher and social services became involved.

I'm not saying that your dh is anything as bad as my dp was, because this situation had been going on a while and there was a bit mroe involved - I later found out that he had been smackign them occasionally behind my back. BUT the inccident of accidently holding him too tightly on it's own resulted in my dp getting a police caution for assault on my ds1. You really cannot take this lightly.

To be honest I am a bit shocked at all the people casually saying they have bruised their children implying that it is an everyday thing. The consultant who assessed ds1's injuries said that an adult should never exert enough force to leave a bruise and it is a criminal offence - even accidently inflicted, something to do with not taking enough care.

I know the feelings you are experiencing too, I tore myself in bits trying to decide whether or not I should be staying with dp, and he did move out altogether for a long time. He ended up going on a parenting course, which he really enjoyed and learned a lot from. His main problem was not really anger, but not knowing how to handle difficult situations with the kids. I'd really recommend that you try to find something like that.

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meandmyflyingmachine · 01/08/2007 15:50

I went to a ceilidh and the next morning was left with shocking bruises on my elbows from 'stripping the willow'. My dd bruises just as easily. It is a great worry to me, as the amount of force necessary to leave a bruise is very small indeed.

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NAB3 · 01/08/2007 15:50

Why did your child feel the need to lie about it?

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