Just found our missing cat dead in Garden, how/do I explain to my 2.10 yr old?

[womblingalong]

does anyone have any advice please.

Do I:

1. Just tell her nothing (she knows cat is missing)
   
   
2. Talk to her about cat going to sleep/being dead - if so, any tips on how to do it?
   
   
3. Tell her cat has run away/gone to live somewhere else?
   
   Thanks v much

[coddy]

nothing.

[maisym]

tell her what happened - the cat died, it had a happy life.

[tortoiseSHELL]

Tell her the cat has died - either 'she was very old and has died' or 'she was sick and has died' and then get her to help you bury her, and mark where you've buried her with a stone or something. Much better than making something up - she will always be talking about 'when the cat comes back' otherwise.

My eldest 2 are fine with animals dying - we've always shown them what happens when they die.

[NAB3]

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. We have a cat who is quite old now and on medication and it is always a worry.

I would definitely not tell her the cat has gone to sleep. That could cause all sorts of problems at bedtime.

I wouldn't lie to her at all. I would either say nothing, but would you be wondering what to say if she asked? Or I would just tell her the cat has died and you won't be able to see her anymore.

[coddy]

nah! why?
shell only cry babla
dont tell her

she wont notice or be scared for life
some nob iwll come on now nad say" oh it will teche rh baout life and death"not it wont fgs itll make her cry

[tortoiseSHELL]

Uh-oh, going to have to disagree coddy! My kids didn't cry at all - they were 'articulately sad' - said things like 'it's sad about my chicken isn't it', or 'it's sad that the rabbit is dead'. But they're very well adjusted about it, and understand that animals die.

[coddy]

onyl cos you is a tortoise

[tortoiseSHELL]

clearly! But you are a fish. That explains everything.

[womblingalong]

gut feel is to ignore as per cod's posts, but feel it'sa bit of an easy way out, and we should tackle death with her as 'responsible parents' hard to decide! Had to bury cat already, as been dead for couple of weeks & was in a bad way. DH thought we should show her corpse, i said no way!

[Pannacotta]

Definitely tell her that the cat has died and get her to help bury the cat and mark the spot with eg a plant/tree etc.
IMO its wrong to presume kids dont understand or shouldnt be told. Kids are often very calm/stoic about these things and less sentimental than adults.

[EscapeFrom]

Don't tell her, I agree with cod - she is two, and having the vocabulary to talk about death doesn't mean she understands it.

You'd just make her cry. Tell her if she asks, I'd probably say he ran away to live on a big farm, with mice to chase, like Tom and Jerry. Because I am a bit wet.

Why does she need to know?

[Pannacotta]

oh well perhaps you can tell her and show her the place the cat was buried...

[Pannacotta]

she is almost 3 so would she be able to get to grips with "death"?

[dobbysayswoof]

Is she asking about cat?

I wouldn't say anything unless she asks. Then I would say cat has gone away to live somewhere else.

I don't think they 'get it' at that age, do they? I explained to my 2.11 year old about our neighbour who died, and she repeated the words but was blank.

[EscapeFrom]

No, I don't think an almost 3 year old would at all get it, especially since cat has already died, and why would you want her to get it? God, life's cruel enough, it's soon enough they can't be sheltered from horrible things, don't push it on them!

[TootyFrooty]

Does a 2.10 year old even know about death? My 2.9 year old ds doesn't. Not sure why he would need to.

[womblingalong]

She hasn't asked about Holly as such, just keeps telling people in conversation that Holly is missing and has forgotten how to get home like Mog the forgetful cat!

Not sure if she'll understand the concept of death et, she is bright, but for e.g doesn't understand the question why? I.e "why did you touch the tv when mummy asked you not to".

also, she has a vivid imagination, and talks of having bad dreams, being scared of the monster, and needs me to banish the whales and monsters from her room every night etc. I am concerned she may get nightmares/ it will fuel her fears.

ps thanks for your kind wishes NAB3

[tortoiseSHELL]

womblingalong - my ds1 has a very over-active imagination as well - he had a spell of bad dreams where he couldn't leave the house during the day, because he was so afraid of wild animals.

For him, I think it has been better to be honest - otherwise he would be imagining all sorts of terrible things that COULD have happened - eaten by tigers, trapped down a hole etc. Whereas a simple 'she's died' is easily accepted.

That's what we've found anyway!

[newlifenewname]

Tell her.

Not telling may avoid the upset but you don't know how much all the wondering what happened bothers them.

Mine wanted to look inside the bag when I scooped what was left of our cat off the road.

I let them. They are fine. Maybe too fine, actually.

[EscapeFrom]

Well, you don't leave them wondering what happened - you tell them great sweaty porkies about him going to live on a farm.

My mum told me my guinea pigs went to live with the meerkats - I believed her utterly until I was about 10, and I asked her why she had lied, and she explained that it was no more a lie thamn Father Christmas, and I had been too young to understand

[AuntieDepressant]

When our birdcage was knocked over and budgies escaped I told my two-year-old that they would be fine and happy living free in north east England.
He kept mentioning them for a long time afterwords and each time I felt more guilty about the initial lie.
I'd tell the truth, but only when she asks.

[tortoiseSHELL]

Ah, well we've told them the truth about Father Christmas too - never did the whole 'coming down chimneys' thing!

[KTWhoMustNotBeNamed]

Our cat died a few months ago and ds2 (aged 3) still doesn't understand she is gone. He mentions her every so often as if she is still around....

I'm not sure about the wisdom of letting your dd see you bury the cat. Ds2 wasn't upset at us doing it but kept asking later when we were going to get her out again and was upset that we had left her there....

[Oblomov]

Ds was o.k. with this. At 3, my sil told him, that Lucky the dog had been unwell, and that he had... I can't remmeber how she phrased it, died or passed away. He was totally fine about it ( I think ?), even though he was totally in love with Lucky. He still mentions him, from time to time.

[Highlander]

I told DS1 (2y 9mo) that Daisy cat was dead, which is very, very sad because we're never going to see her again (I didn't divulge the details). Cue tears. But, I said that Daisy cat had gone to heaven to chase angel mice and angel rabbits and that is FUN for Daisy.

He must have asked about a million times where she was and didn't seem too upset by the whole heaven thing.

Unfortunately when Daisy in his nursery class went off on holiday and a member of staff asked where she was.......... DS1 informed everyone she was in heaven