Dealing with an arse of an ex-partner and explaining it to your child(ren)......

[yorkshirepudding]

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[Grrrr]

Could you try saying

"we couldn't be happy together because we made each other cross all the time and we didn't want you to grow up in a cross unhappy home so we made two seperate happy homes for you instead"

I don't really know as I've had no experience in this matter (yet) so feel free to discard the advice if it is rubbish .

[zubb]

I would just keep going with the 'just didn't love each other any more' line.
She is at the age when she will think he's great, and may tell you that she wants to live with him during an arguement - it's the best way that she can lash out and hurt you. It will be tough. I used to tell my Mum that all the time - she snapped one time when I was 11 or 12 - and handed me the phone and told me to ring him and tell him I was going to live with him. Totally called my bluff as I was totally aware that he wouldn't want me - he only saw us 3 or 4 times a year as it was. I went back to just slamming doors!

[yorkshirepudding]

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[zubb]

and as she gets older whe will figure it out for herself, but for now it is an easy target for the anger / frustrations that go along with being 10. If it wasn't this it would be something else I'm sure.
My Mum did tell me too much too young I think, and that's not always healthy.

[yorkshirepudding]

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[zubb]

I'm sure you can start to answer her questions. It doesn't have to always be nicely-nicely. You could tell her that you didn't agree on things, no way you could stay together, totally different people etc etc.
Does he tell her anything about it?

[yorkshirepudding]

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[ThomCat]

As you child gets older she'll see all of this for herself and respect and love you all the more for never putting her dad down.

[yorkshirepudding]

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[ThomCat]

I know so sweet, it's the way it works.
You can say what you like about your own Dad but don't anyone else dare.

[yorkshirepudding]

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[DrNortherner]

Oh YP just seen this

Completeley with you on the:

"because he's a lazy selfish manipulative arse who only cares for himself and what he can get and has no concept of consequences or responsibilities", or something along those lines."

But of course you can't say that to dd.

Of course sh has fun when she's with him. It's once in a blue moon, he takes her out and treats her, she thinks it'd fab. He does not get involved in the hard graft of being a parent. And with him, I use the word 'parent' in it's loosest form.

Your dd is a delight. Lovely, happy, and bright. She is a credit to YOU. And she will realise herself one day the in's and out's of it. She's just finding her feet.

Blimey, I thought toddlerhood was tough but this pre teen malarkey doesn't sound good either

I'll bring wine on Saturday

[slinkyjo]

i have a similar problem except my dd witnessed domestic violence, she asked me once why my x was nasty to me and i simply answered with " sometimes darling some people just dont get on and things dont always work out how you planned" i have never been the one to wrap my kids in cotton wool and believe that honesty to some degree is best, you have to prepare them for the real world as otherwise they are gonna be in for a nasty shock when they go into the world alone and realise what a nasty place we live in.

[LittleBellatrixLeBoot]

I think it's also quite permissable to say to a child "we split up for all sorts of grown-up reasons that you are too young to understand right now. There's no point me trying to explain it to you, but when you're older if you want to know, then I will."

That should put them off for a few years.

[Rantmum]

How about, your father and I are very different types of people, with different interests and priorities, and whilst we both love you, we were not a good match for each other.

Sorry, I am the voice of inexperience, but I hope you work it out.

P.S. My parents have always had a very tempestuous relationship and I blamed my mother when I was young - my father could do no wrong. As I grew into my teens things became much clearer (and whilst I don't see everything the way my mother does, I can certainly see my fathers faults for what they are).

Incidentally, I think that you have done the right thing by remaining neutral about your negative feelings. I have a grown up friend whose mother went on about EVERYTHING that she felt was wrong in her partner. My friend struggled with this because she said to me "I feel that there is a part of me that is very like my father - ways that I take after him - and when she told me how much she hated him for xyz, I felt she was sort of saying she hated me too."

[Rantmum]

sorry it was the "ex-partner", but my friend's father...