am rapidly losing the will to live with the constant whingeing

[indiasmum]

please help me!!!! ds is 4.5 and dd is 2.5. they seem to whinge and cry and fight all the time, ususally following me around whingeing and screeching. its really bloody getting me down. i'm finding myself being really horrible and shouting at them because i cant take anymore which then frightens them and makes them cry more and makes me feel guilty then i end up being over nice to them because i feel so bad about how i've shouted at them. i just want some bloody peace. i am becoming the mother i never wanted to be. am hoping its just a stage. i am fed up with dragging my guilt around like a weight round my neck. also am aware that how i am with them shouldnt be dictated to by their behaviour iyswim. i cant be the only one who gets this can i? when they are good they are an absolute delight, really funny and sweet and a joy to be with but the whingeing and upset sends me into a downwards spiral and i cant control my temper. i know its me who has to change but dont know how.

please come and tell me its normal and help me get over this crappy time at home.

[Tamdin]

ds has just started the whinging in last few weeks (17months). ordered toddler taming book but the advice is pretty obvious. few peope suggested on here that ds could be bored so am trying to do much more with him. have painted, colourd in, played with shape sorters and read books this morning. he's asleep now! and then this afternoon am going with friend and her dc's to park. you're def not alone

[indiasmum]

the thing is i have taken them out all morning to ds's friends house where he played and dd fussed over friends baby sister. they have had a nice time. this afternoon they will be busy too. in fact when we are out and about they are fine and we generally have a nice time but the minute we are home it kicks off again. i try and do nice things with them but its hard to occuypy 2 at home doing activities when they like different things and have different abilities. i know deep down the problem probably lies with me and how i relate to them. i just dont want them to remember their formative years as being frightened and shouted at by their mum.

[NAB3]

Whinging is learnt behaviour and the key is to just ignore it. Tell your children you won't talk/listen to/play with them until they learn to talk in a proper voice. It is amazing how quickly it can work.

[bobsyouruncle]

Well you've pretty much summed up my life!? Things that help me?

Regular breaks away from them, like a day at the shops
nights out
working 2 evenings a week to get me out of the bath & bedtime routine
doing an OU course
letting them watch alot of dvd's & refusing to feel guilty
getting out of the house with them every day to break up the day
getting them to bed early every night & hving a big glass of wine & chocolate!

[isheisnthe]

I have EXACTLY the same situation - so no answers but sympathy from me!

[Tamdin]

indiasmum someone on here said 'how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk' is a very good book. agree with the learnt behaviour thing. if you react to the whinging then they are getting what they want even if it's negative attention. ds had started to scream at top of his voice for my attention which i was reacting to but have started to walk out of the room without making eye contact when he does it and it seems to have worked. touch wood!

[FluffyMummy123]

Message withdrawn

[bakedpotato]

please, what does the 'Talk so Kids will Listen' book say you should do when they're squabbling/fighting?

[FluffyMummy123]

Message withdrawn

[indiasmum]

ah thanks! will def have a look.

yes the squabbling- esp when one is much smaller than the other its not fair if you ignore it and leave them to sort out.

i agrree with what you say about ignoring and sometimes i can manage it. i'm aware i'm reinforcing the behaviour i dont want by shouting and usually giving in. but some days i just cannot cope with it anymore. its the constant high pitched' carry me, carry me' not letting me put her down on the floor, whingeing for food (but not bloody proper food oh no- 'i want something niiiiiccccce') its so frustrating because i hate it but feel i've made them like this so then feel bad when i get cross with them because its my fault.

and also i guess they are doing it for attention perhaps but the more they do it the less i want to be with them so the more they do it. its a horrible viscious cycle.

[electra]

Yes you are normal imo! Or at least, I feel a bit better knowing I'm not the only one. Whinging is possibly the most irritating thing ever and it drives me mad. My older dd is autistic and has never whinged - she will request repeatedly and try to get my attention but my younger dd could whinge for England!!

[indiasmum]

well ds2 and ds1 have AS and they dont whinge like dd! ds2 does this horrible moaning thing like some kind of pained animal. dont know which is worse!

[MorocconOil]

Indiasmum, are you with them both all day? If so when does ds start school? I can't imagine being with all my DC all the time. My DS2 is 5.5 and goes through stages of whingeing about everything. It drives me crackers and just when I think I can take no more without going insane, it seems to stop.

I think it helps going to school as there is lots to keep him busy and stimulated. Also the adults there, don't put up with complaining/haven't time for it so I think he is learning that whingeing doesn't get him his own way.

At home I try to ignore it as much as possible and reward non-whingeing behaviour. However I do give in to it at times of exhaustion.

I think it is completely normal to feel as you do and it will pass. You are not a horrible Mum at all, just a frazzled one

[Housemum]

Don't know if it works or not but saw a play-and-leave tactic on Supernanny the other day. Mum had twin girls that followed her around, nanny said to play with them for 10 minutes, get them involved in something (puzzles, farm, whatever) and then walk away while they are happy playing.

Worth a shot?

[bobsyouruncle]

I must be a defeatist because I just resign myself to it, I think life is just like that sometimes with young children, & look for ways to make me feel better instead - hence the suggestions I gave which were nothing to do with sorting out the whinging!?

[indiasmum]

bobsyeruncle, i like your advice esp the wine rule which i live my life by

[bobsyouruncle]

Yeah but maybe I should get the "how to talk..." book to read while I'm drinking the wine

[Honneybunny]

oh no, you are me, a year from now...
have two ds-s (ds1=3.5yo and ds2=1.5yo), and they have recently discovered how they can quickly but surely drive me nuts by wining and fighting with eachother.
i thought it was slowly going to get better... i tried to do the play and walk away that housemum suggested: it does work for me, so might work for you too.

[indiasmum]

i try to walk away but they bloody follow me!!!!

[bigmouthstrikesagain]

Totally relate to the posting on this - my ds will be 3 in Aug and DD is 1.2 yr -

dd is not a whinger exactly but she does follow me around screaming and clinging desparately to my legs like someone drowning - till I pick her up!!

Ds on the other hand is a consumate whinger and will also batter dd if alone (out of my eyesight but not earshot) with her - this creates a negative spiral - ds pushes dd over - dd cries - I tell off ds - pick up and comfort dd - 10 mins later the farce begins again - very disheartening = I feel like a crap shouty mum - was hoping thing would improve. They can also be lovely with each other dd loves her big brother but it is like he can't stop himself ... this probably doen't help you one bit Indiasmum

[indiasmum]

bigmouthstrikesagain... it does help believe me because it makes me realise i'm not the only one and that we arent all as great a mum allthe time like we might want other people to see iyswim. in that you know you portray a certain image with a certain set of values in public abd when you fail to live that way at home at times you feel a failure. i dont think that made sense. well am having a half day off today to go to hairdressers so am feeling more optimistic about today!