9 year old nearly 10 year old son - problems - help please

[lulu41]

I appear to be experiencing major problems with my Ds at the moment - is this traditionally a hormone surge time - getting to the end of my tether with him - he is very argumentative often accusing me of things I have not done - getting hysterical - last night during one of our rows - he starting to laugh at me in a rather macabre way and I genuinely looked at him and thought god he needs help - I am so stressed please help am at work trying not to cry

[ZipadiSuzy]

Aw lulu - you have my full sympathy, although I havent got any words of wisdom, as I have an 11yo ds exactly the same, you'll find its just normal, they do behave outside home, he obviously feels relaxed enough at home to vent his frustrations on you, so count to 100000000

I bet you are doing a fab job, don't be too hard on yourself, and why don't you just ask your boss for an extended lunch break as you are not very well, or indeed they might be understanding and have a shoulder there for you!

[lilolilmanchester]

My sympathies, Lulu41. I have a teenage DS and have been where you are many times. DD is 9 and getting the same way. Just when I am thinking there is something wrong with my DCs or my parenting, I see other LOVELY children acting in the same way. So I think it is "normal", if not very pleasant. They're at a funny age where they are feeling part grown up (so parents and rules are a pain) but part still little people and their feelings get confused. I wrote on another thread that I think it's a bit like the toddler stage, and the way to deal with it is probably similar. ie remember to praise the good things they do and, where appropriate, ignore the bad behaviour. They still need our attention, and any attention is better than none etc etc It is SO easy to get caught up in a row, but if you can take yourself away from the situation to calm yourself down (counting to 10 becomes counting to 50!)it can help. Also it sometimes works to say "I don't want to talk to you when you're like this. Come back when you've had time to calm down". Other times, I just completely lose my rag, and that doesn't get me anywhere! I also think they're at an age where we don't do as much with them as we used to, other than ferrying them around and feeding them. I try to find the energy to play card or board games every now and then to get some positive interaction going, that helps but don't always have the time or energy. Waffling now! Not sure if any of this will help, but really just saying you're not on your own.Obviously I can't say for sure that your son doesn't need help - but from what you say it doesn't sound particularly unusual and I'm hoping there are others out there who might have some more advice for both of us.

[lilolilmanchester]

Hi lulu, hope you're ok. I'm going to be away with work for a couple of days, so unlikely to be posting. Just didn't want you to think I was ignoring you if you wanted to pick up on anything I'd said in my post.

[roisin]

Oh no, don't say this!

I keep looking at my 9-nearly-10-year-old son at the moment, and thinking he's gorgeous. He's pretty considerate, helpful, polite and understanding, mostly calm and rational; if he gets annoyed he still holds it together and articulates his frustrations ...

I know it isn't going to last (I work with teenagers fgs), but he really is delightful atm and I don't want him to morph into a grumpy teenager yet!

[noddyholder]

My ds goes from lovely boy to demon in teh blink of an eye.He is 13 and a pita but I love him to bits and just turn a blind eye to his antics most of the time.They are teenagers and can't help it.9 is young though ds only started the last few months.As Jonathan Ross said ver ywisely I think they have to start becoming unbearable otherwise if they stayed lovely you could never let them go.

[3littlefrogs]

Ten year old boys are very challenging. You have to keep reminding yourself that when they do this they are pushing the boundaries.
It helps if you can have a conversation about ground rules when you are both calm. They don't like sitting down having a contrived conversation, the best time is if you can be doing something together such as cooking, or fixing something.
Goal setting and rewards for good behaviour and achievment works better than punishments, but, that said, there have to be sanctions for bad behaviour, but these have to be things that have been "agreed".
Withdrawal of privileges and /or reduction of pocket money/allowance works best. Never embarrass them in front of their peers - it is totally counterproductive.
They do seem to get over this phase by the time they get to 11, then there is usually another horrible phase at about 12.5.

At this age peer pressure is a much greater force than parental pressure, so now is the time to make sure you get to know their friends and the friend's parents, then you can support each other.

I do feel for you - I remember having a row with DS2 when he was about 10.5 when the builders were here, and they all looked at me as if I was the worst mother in the world - but he was doing it to embarrass me, because he had an audience. I grounded him for a week.

Sorry this is turning into a v. long post.
Are you on your own, or is his dad around?

[MrsCarrot]

My ds is ten this year and I have noticed him being extra grumpy, in fact, almost looking depressed on occasion though he insists he's fine.

Apparently they do get a burst of hormone around now, I've noticed his shirts are bit BO ey too.

[lulu41]

Thank you all its helps to know I am not alone havent managed to log back on until now - gonna try to keep calm - will keep you posted and if anyone has more suggestions keep them coming - thanks at least I'm not crying now - until tonight maybe!!

[Eight]

My DSs do a good line in maniacal laughing during arguments sometimes.
I think it is a way of trying to look like they don't care - when really they do, and are trying not to cry.

[TnOgu]

I'm in the same boat.

10 year old ds is really very challenging at the moment and dh and I are exhausted trying to deal with him by times.

One minute I could kill him the next I want to hug him to death.

Tis a nightmare, but I think spending quality time with them at this age is vital, and I also feel being consistent with discipline and rules keeps them reigned in.

Parenting can be such hard work, but it's got it's rewards and you just have to keep on doing your best I guess.

[NoodleStroodle]

I have DS of 11 - it's hormones.
It's only going to last another 8 years.

Keep open the communication - keeping taking deep breaths

[lulu41]

Any good books anyone could recommend - had bringing up by boys by Biddulph but have lost that ? thanks

[babalon]

You have my full understanding I've recently posted here see " What do you dou when your child Is the bully" My 10 yr old DD is very challenging at the moment I was given some could advice and I also rang parentline plus 0808 800 2222 when I was in a real state and they were great sometimes it's just good to pour out all your worries to someone you don't know. So like mumsnet but with a real voice.

Good luck I think good and bad times with our children just peak and trough hopefully this is a shorterm trough.

xx

[babalon]

Thats 'GOOD' advice

Sorry

[ZipadiSuzy]

Its a huge trough though!

My DS 11yo is skating on thin ice atm! with his constant lying, agression, cheek, bullying his siblings!

He has actually been bullied at school, is in year 6 atm so has stress of new school on his shoulders, hormones etc etc etc

But how do you deal with the stessful reactions that blow out of control, the unacceptable behaviour, its hard to judge and take action.

He already has enough problems, he's dyslexic and dysphraxic!

[cornsilk]

My ds is 9(year4) and hard work. I really try to stay calm with him 'cos once I get cross his behaviour just spirals. My strategy is to give him lots of hugs and try to talk to him about any old thing (when he's not staring at a computer screen that is)
Last week we had a set to and I was so cross with him. I went in his room to talk to him and he was screaming at me to get out. I just sat on his bed and asked him for a hug and he was on my knee like lightning - I couldn't believe it. It really calmed him down as well.
Now, it might not work for me next time but it might be worth a try!

[ZipadiSuzy]

cornsilk, I can manage the cuddle when ds cross and upset,

but its what to do when he is cruel to his 3yo twin siblings, there is a lot of jelousy, he thinks he's hard done to!

blames everything on everybody else, and gets quite aggressive about his punishments, which are usually as time out in his bedroom to cool off followed by a good talking to to make him realise what he's doing,

but he can't see his behaviour as naughty, he thinks that is how teenagers behave, which I find very sad, especially as ds only 11!

I really am at a loose end with him, his behaviour is very intimidating and he yells so loud, slamming doors till the house shakes!

[lulu41]

Hi I have just come back to this thread and can only say things have not gotten any better in fact my ds's outbursts and mine!! seem to be getting more frequent. I am trying very hard to stay calm but when he answers me back of says something hurtful at times I just lose it and yes of course that makes the whole situation spiral sometimes to the point that I just want to leave. I am reading everything I can and have recently had lunch with a friend who actually made me feel better by saying that everything I was describing with my ds was normal becuase I was starting to think that my ds had a real problem!! It has really dawned on me recently that I have to bite my tongue and ignore most of it otherwise it does spiral but at times I just cant - how are you all getting on?