At what point do you stop snooping around your child's diaries etc? Or should you never do it at all?

[Tinker]

Without wishing to hijack the other thread, it got me thinking. My 10-year old daughter has recently been allowed access to msn. I check what's been said as much as I can. (Bugged that some of the lads in her class say ffs, am sure my daughter doesn't yet realise what this means)

If I see one of her many "diaries" around I sometimes flick thorugh it. More to see if something is troubling her.

But shouldn't I be doing this? When should I stop? I do realise I will have to stop at some point but when? What does everyone else do?

[ELF1981]

I would have died if my parents had read my diary. I plan never to read my DD's
(luckily I have a few years before that happens!!)

[gegs73]

I wouldn't read them. My Mum read mine when I was at school and I was mortified even though there was nothing bad in there at all. Only time I would read is if I thought something really awful was happening which I could help with.

[Callisto]

Don't do it - it's a dead cert you'll read something you don't like and then what will you do?

[HenriettaHippo]

I haven't seen the other thread, but I think you should stop, tempting as it is! If you read something that's troubling her, and mention it, she'll know where you got the information, and I don't think that can be good for trust in the long term, tbh. I would have hated it if my mum read my diary.

Maybe she should stop leaving them lying around though! Maybe you could say that seeing them lying around makes you want to read them, and you know she wouldn't want you too, so suggest she puts them away in a drawer, but tell her you're always there to talk to about anything.

[dustystar]

I wouldn't read them although i admit i would be tempted

I think I would read through some if I was really worried though.

[Budababe]

My mum read mine when I was 14 and it had lots of embarrassing stuff about a boy i had a crush on. I knew she'd read it because I found it in her wardrobe after I had thrown it in the bin. I still cringe and hate that she read it.

[Tinker]

Blimey, now I feel awful. Didn't realise it was such a no-no with younger kids! No intention of doing it when she's older but I suppose I hadn't thought about when is "older"

I though I'm meant to monitor msn stuff - thinking about internet bullying type stuff. Is that a big no-no as well?

[WideWebWitch]

I think it's ok but ONLY IF

• you never ever let her know
  
• you never ever ever bollock her for something in it
  
• you never ever laugh at her for it
  
• you really just use if for genuine wanting to be sure she's ok and not for pure snooping sake
  
• you make sure you ahve a good open relationship anyway and just use it to re open communication sometimes (because you know what's on her mind etc)

[Tinker]

Am I allowed to laugh at what's in it? Not in front of her, obviously!

[minorityrules]

I believe you have to earn the trust of a child and go on example for the trust to grow

we are very hot in this house on privacy. I would never and have never looked in diaries or mobile phones and I too would be horrified if my kids read mine (I have a house of teens)

My sister can't believe I don't give my teen daughters a time to come home at night, I have never needed to. They understand that after 11 I deserve a call and an update. My niece on other hand has curfews and is late and gets in trouble. It's a vicious circle

If a youngster trusts you, they will confide

I know that my kids have tried smoking, my bigger girls have confided how far they have got sexually and are happy to ask me advice on all subjects. I am not a friend to my children, I am a parent and their are rules (when one of my sons wasn't where he said he'd be recently, he got a rollicking and consequences) I just choose my battles

I think trust is something that should be started from a young age and even young children need a safe space like a diary, to put there thoughts and help them work them out

The computer stuff is slightly different. I don't read their conversations but do check on what websites they have been on. The msn society we have today just replaces kids being out playing with friends (the good days lol) It does pose a problem to being more anonymous and does make it easier to say things you wouldn't say in RL.

Hopefully, if people have a relationship that is secure, children will come and ask questions or be secure enough to tell someone off if they offend

Technology definitely makes parenting harder though

[Hulababy]

I would say no to reading diaries UNLESS you have a very strong, justifiable reason to do so (i.e. very concerned about your child's welfare) - then I think it can be justifed and sometimes lifesaving too.

I think MSN (and chat room) use should be monitored. Just tell your DD beforehand that you will be monitoring all use and then she has no reason to complain if/when you do.

[katelyle]

I don't read diaries or anything she has written. I do, however, monitor emails and MSM. She knows I do this - it was a condition of her using the computer. She's 11, by the way. However, I think the most useful way of keeping a check on what goes on online is to have the computer in a family room. Ours is positioned so that it's possible to glance over the shoulder of anyone using it on the way to the kitchen. I will resist computers in bedrooms as long as I can.

[Tinker]

Thanks all. Yes, have been quite open about reading msn stuff and agree it's a condition of having it. No computers in bedrooms. Do feel slightly bad about reading her stuff but I'm not pouring over it all day and she doens't really write much just "I hate/love XXX"

[DominiConnor]

The best information is often the kind that you can't easily use. If they work out that you are prying, then they will probably feel that you have acted wrongly.
That's entirely independent of what you believe, and whether they have done something "wrong".

Aside from the rows this will cause, and the possible increase in "bad" behaviour, you will quite possibly enter an arms race you won't win.

Passwords, use of services other than MSN, and use of obscure language are the first call.
When I've felt people who have access to my communications are "snooping" I've left messages lying around which are really juicy.
If I was a teenager, I'd have any number of messages for you to find which imply that I used the money I made as a gay prostitute to feed my drug habit. The technical term for these is "honeypot", and are a great way of catching and sabotaging snoopers.

We're in a relatively small minority, but if my kids hadn't worked out how to deal with the evangelical "net nanny" type s/w, then I'd question their intelligence.

[goldenwings]

i would never read my sons diary (when hes able to write lol) unless there was extreme cause for concern. we all need private space and i would be invading his space if i read it.

[SueBaroo]

Wouldn't read a personal diary, would monitor online activity very closely.

[expatinscotland]

i never kept one.

nothing to hide, or to be found.