Playschool teacher pulled me aside and told me ds1 has been very very angry this week

[colditz]

I am sure I have caused this. His dad has a new job, and so he sees more of me and less of daddy now. And he has told me he wants to make daddy come back and live here, and daddy will buy him the things he likes, and when he grows up he will smoke like daddy, in the garden .

And he's been vile to his brother, and probably in return I have been too hard on him. And I have made him angry, and now the playschool probably think I am abusing him because he is four years old and won't share and hits the other kids.

I am trying so fucking hard, why is it so hard? How can I explain why daddy can't come back to live here?

How can I make him happy again?

[colditz]

And the worst thing is, i thought he was fine.

[fluffyanimal]

Oh Colditz, poor you. No advice, but had to send you a Big Hug. and one for your poor DS too.

[colditz]

I feel awful for not noticing how angry he is at me

[Aimsmum]

Message withdrawn

[dustystar]

Talk to the playschool and let them know whats going on. They may be able to get him to talk about his feelings and help him work through them.

[PetitFilou1]

Colditz My friend is a single mum and has a 3 year old and a 6 year old. After they moved without their dad she thought the 6 year old was ok - until she started stealing things from shops. However she's fine now. Both children really pushed it with their behaviour at the beginning and she found she had to be stricter than normal with them to get the boundaries back in place. She has really struggled but I went to stay with her a week ago and they all seemed really happy, it was lovely. You will get there but god I sympathise.

[colditz]

But we split 4 months ago - he was with his dad all day Sunday. I don't get why tghis week it's all kicked off

[bundle]

but isn't that the classic pattern colditz? my sil's eldest especially has been (things now getting better) horrid to her esp after seeing his dad

[colditz]

he still sees his dad every day.

I don't know what the pattern is tbh, it's been so so hard splitting his 'normal' brhavioral problems and exuberance from his more mature and brooding bad mood.

They say he's been really good lately so this was a shock - she asked me if anything had happened over the weekend, and that although normally when upset he will tell her why, this time he remained angry and wouldn't even make eye contact.

[bundle]

sorry I thought you meant he only saw him on Sunday not all week. poor you. xxx

[dustystar]

These things can take time to sink in with children. maybe it has only really just hit him that his dad isn't going to be coming home. maybe he blames you for the split, maybe he blames himself. He is only young so he might not even really know why he is upset.

[kath81]

I really feel for you colditz and it really isn't your fault. Has his dad tried talking to him?

[colditz]

I told his dad what had happened and we both agreed that we both need to put mondo mondo effort into giving him quality attention. he's not getting enough. I will see if this helps.

[colditz]

I am trying so hard to be positive with him, but sometimes he is so jeqalous of his brother he really hurts him! So I think the answer is more attention.

[FrannyandZooey]

Colditz just want to give you support here

what a bloody difficult situation

if it is any consolation, playgroup is often the place where you will get this acting out, if things are a bit dicey at home

it isn't necessarily that you have been missing the anger etc, probably more that he hasn't been showing you, but saving it for playgroup

You have a pretty good idea now of what is going on and you have a plan of how to hopefully make it better. Sounds good to me.

[dustystar]

I don't know if these will be any good but have a look at the books here

[SofiaAmes]

It will get better with time and you aren't doing anything wrong.
My dh and I live in different countries (long story) and he only spends school holidays with us. The first year it was really hard for the kids, and we're still a couple so there isn't even another level of anger and frustration going on. But now (almost 2 years) they are much better with the transitions and just take it for granted.

[WanderingTrolley]

Four year old boys have a testosterone surge, do they not?

I suspect it's that, rather than the split, that is the main cause.

He isn't unhappy, he's a bit pissed off. You haven't caused this, don't blame yourself.

Also, it's near the end of the school year, most kids I know are a bit ratty. Round here, it's been hot recently and I think temper raises with temperature.

In other words, I don't think there's one reason for his anger at the moment, just several factors exacerbating his upset over the split. Really not your fault.

[colditz]

And, true to form, he just had a massive night terror, which he only gets when stressed.

[SofiaAmes]

Oh you poor thing. My dd gets night terrors...they really are the worst because you just feel so helpless. She got them a lot when we first moved to the usa, but now hasn't had one for ages and ages. I definitely think it was the stress of moving and being away from dh. But it really has gotten much better. Just be really stable (I know it's hard) and consistent. Do you have a video cam? We talk to dh every day on ichat (or skype) and it's really reassuring for the kids to know that they can see him if they want. Of course you are much closer, but it may be reassuring to the kids to have that as an option on a night.

[colditz]

To be honest, I am starting to think it might be lack of sleep. his brother is teething, so is wailing a bit every hour or so until midnight, and so ds1 is sleeping non-solid sleep, from about 8 until 6.30 - and I know he would sleep later if only his brother would.

I can't put him to bed until his brother is asleep as they then ricochet around the room together.

[colditz]

And today he wwet himself.

Jesus, he starts full time school in 3 months, and he's still wetting himself, I'm so scared he won't cope.

At least he's in a less delicate mood today

[SofiaAmes]

Gosh, he could be my dd's twin. She started wetting herself too just after we moved. And she had been dry for over a year at that point.
Lots and lots of hugs are good. And I actually broke my own rule of not letting the kids come into bed with me on a regular basis and let dd get into bed with me for awhile until I felt that she was more settled. I always tried to put her back into her own bed once she was asleep so that she would remember that she had her own bed.

[colditz]

He got a certificate at the end of this week for "Helping to tidy up nicely"

They are so excellent at finding positive things about the children

he has chilled out now, since spending the day with his dad on Thursday and Friday.